The Whalers

Of course I remember the beginning.  Foolish question. Who could forget the headlines? “Leviathan devastates Manhattan harbor”. “Millions in shipping lost to mysterious creatures”.  And my favorite, “Scientists Mystified”. 1872 made the fortunes of newsmen and half-wit prophets everywhere.

That was the year that the sea crawled forth to prey on humanity, the year that London convulsed and Manhattan fell to rubble. The year of the beasts. The Rising Days. The End Times. You won’t remember, but I’ll wager no one will ever let you forget.

 

Of course there was panic. Riots, cults, madness. Army put a stop to that pretty quick. The sea was a bigger problem. Ports shut down, ships rotted in drydock. And everywhere, there were whispers of madness, madness of the body and soul. For the first time in long centuries, men learned to fear the sea.

 

Not us. We’d gazed into its depths, into the maddened eyes of dying leviathans and  murderous hurricanes. We’d seen the worst the sea had to offer.  And we’d been disappointed.

So when the call went out for volunteers, iron men for the wooden ships that would prowl the coasts for even deadlier prey, we answered. We men of the tall masts and low hulls. We whalers. We fools.

 

I started when I was young, on a foul and clumsy tub out of a port whose name I’ve quite forgotten. But I remember the ship, the stink of the below-decks, the wind-sheared peak of the mast, the creaking sides that seemed wroth to let you sleep. Back then, I thought the smell and the cold and the noise were the worst the sea had.

The first hunt had showed me different. There was blood, and terrible noise, a clash of men and ship and beast. But we always brought back the oil, and we always drank to those we lost. It wasn’t so bad, those old days.

But the whales dried up, the fields started bleeding burning-black, and we were pushed aside. Plenty of us moved up to the Banks, or down to the Gulf, but none of us never forgot the open sea, and the wrath of its children. They’d made us men.

 

So there I was, twenty years older and a good deal rougher. But my clothes were just as soiled, and my eyes were just as bright, as they’d been two decades before. I stood on the dockside and smelt the sea, just like before. My knees were weaker, my skin rougher. But the sea! The sea was just as dark, just as vast and unknowable. The ship just as round and tubbish. The wind stung the same. And once again, there were monsters in the deep. Once more, there was a hunt on.

I didn’t know any of the crew, but they were all familiar. Scarred faces, rough faces. Hard hands and bright eyes. Sea faces.

I’d heard there’s something about the beasts—the new ones—that gets inside a man’s mind. Soldiers, sailors, men of faith and science too, all get jumpy. Itchy. Nervous. They start to twist up inside, knowing what’s down there. Navy had a run of suicides, after Brooklyn. But not us whalers. Or at least it works softer on us. Maybe it’s the sea, maybe it’s the fear. We’re used to that. As for the rest…well, you’ll see.

 

The captain was a navy man, but we didn’t care about that. He was a hard and rugged man, scarred and loved by the sea. That didn’t matter much: weren’t we all? But he’d been at New York, and that meant something. He’d seen the Beast of Manhattan, watched it make blackened splinters of a harbor. He didn’t talk about it, but we all saw the sharpness in his eyes. He was a hunter, like us. We liked that.

 

Our first week out of port, we followed the coast up towards the Banks. That was where the navy had last spotted one of the things. It was a cold fall that year, and it grew colder as we sailed north.The wind cut my hands, and on night watches my eyebrows frosted to my face. But I felt young again. I was alive, and at sea. On the hunt.

 

We hit the Banks in the second week. It was too quiet for the late season. Usually it was choked with boats and nets and men. Not this year. We put into a tiny little harbor, brought on fresh stores, milked the locals for information. Another ship had come by not long ago, and headed straight out to sea.

 

We sighted them on the third day out. A slender vessel, it had probably been a fast freighter before the rising. But it didn’t respond to our colors or answer our signals. As we pulled alongside—an easy task, for it was drifting lazily—we saw no one at all.

 

The captain asked for volunteers to board it. I went. Figured I might as well face down whatever we were after. In for a penny, in for a pound.

The deck was empty. There was no sign of violence, no broken rails or tattered sails. The rigging swayed gently in the wind, abandoned but intact. The hatch was sealed, though. The captain had us bring up sledges and break the thing down. Took us near ten minutes. Finally, we hacked through the wood, and pried away the iron bars that’d been jammed in place to keep it sealed.

Right away we smelled it. A rank moistness welled up, wave after wave of soft warmth and terrible stink. There was burning wax and rotting flesh in that, as well as sweet perfume and strange spices. I staggered back, alongside most of the rest. But the captain hurled himself down the hatch, and the doctor followed after, clutching that bag of his. After a moment or two, the captain called us down.

 

It was something out of a nightmare. Everywhere was the refuse of madness and death. I don’t want to describe it. It still hurts, the sight. But you should know what we’re facing. What you’ll face. There were…pieces. Remnants. You couldn’t take in the whole scene, you could only grasp at bare fragments, and those were enough to make to wish you could look away. How many? Were there women and children too? How long did it take for them to die? How many joined in, and how many were forced by the hands of those they’d trusted? A man’s imagination went wild, and you felt as though you were glimpsing through a peephole at the most terrible perversion in history, caught in momentary flashes that spurred the mind and evoked the senses until you felt complicit simply by being there.

 

 

Each of us, as we glimpsed this on the way down, scrambled back. Each of us, to a man, vomited onto the defiled floor. More than one—I’ll not say who for their sake—collapsed as if struck. Only the captain stayed firm, and the doctor merely wavered from side to side, eyes still gleaming bright.

Once a few of us had regained control of ourselves, we immediately set about searching the ship for survivors. The captain had us go in pairs, and together—it was me and an Irish fellow—we crept down the ochre-smeared hallways. It was impossible to avoid the stuff that caked the floor, it inevitably clutched to your boots and gloves, and even the makeshift sloth masks we pulled over our faces became smeared with brown and tan and red. No one left that bore some mark of the experience. And the smell never truly left your mind.

It’s terrible what happened. I should have been more watchful. I suppose we were all too horrified by our surroundings to really pay attention like we should have. Out of all the loss, this one might have been avoided. But no. The Irishman was ahead of me, trying vainly to avoid the walls and step as lightly as possible across the stained floor. He never saw it coming.

It struck him from the side, a blur of flesh wrapped in a bestial scream. I flung myself back, scrambled against the slippery floorboards, shouted for help. The poor fellow was slammed against the wall, thrown down, and the thing came at me.

A shot broke the confusion. The thing slumped to the floor, clawed at the boards. The captain stepped over me, pistol trained on the body. He fired again. Then again. It twitched once, then lay still.  An acrid sting trickled through the musk.

The captain stepped over it and moved on. I lay for a long minute, then picked myself up to look at the thing. It was a man, but a man in the same way that a broken, fossilized stump resembles a live tree, a lightning-blasted human waxwork. Had he heard our voices and footfalls, and lain in wait? Or was he simply mad with rage? Or fear? I hope he found some peace.

 

The doctor came along soon after. He swept over the body, set down his case and brought out his little tools. He poked and swabbed and pried. His eyes never stopped moving, and he whispered under his breath as I watched.

 

When I stepped back on deck, interminable ages later, the sweet sea air cleared the horror from my nostrils.  The smell, the damp, the creeping guilt, all swept away. Only the memory remained, and, well, you see how it has clung to my mind. Perhaps that’s best. You have to know.

 

We torched the ship, remains and all. Its masts went up like tallow candles, its hull flamed and smoldered like a furnace. Wood and bodies burned alike. A few of us muttered a prayer or two, but none of us looked back. Except the captain. He stood on the stern and watched it drift away into the distance. Only when it passed from view did he come down, and set us to sharpening the harpoons.

 

A day later, a lookout spotted the wide, trailing wake that was the creatures’ scar on the world. It was like the path of the great ship, but stretched to the horizon, a vast swath of disturbed water. We knew, then, that we were closing in. We followed after it. The captain had us switch lookouts every hour, and kept as many as possible below deck.

The sound—keening, some of the men called it—started after the third day. First it was an occasional thing, like hum that throbbed through the sounds of the sea and sky and ship. It was an unnatural thing, like a voice in a dream, but it refused to fade in the sunlight. As we sailed on, as the wake narrowed and we came ever closer, it grew to a constant and inescapable sensation. It saturated the air, it bled from the hull and crept into our waking daydreams. It was not a sound, exactly. It was more akin to a fever, the way it clung to the mind and weighed on your senses. None of the doctor’s instruments could measure any sort of atmospheric disturbance, and when he interrogated the men, no one described it quite the same. To some, it was a dull ache around the ears, to others a biting pain in the temples. Sometimes it was just whispers. But no one escaped it.

Most of us resolved to grit ourselves and carry on. It wasn’t so different from the wind, or the cold, after all. We could deal with that. Why not this? Hadn’t we always complained about the ship’s creaking, joked about what it might be saying? We could endure this new thing. It wasn’t so different.

Not everyone managed so well. Four days in, when the keening had been constant for a day or two, we found one of the younger men in the hold. He’d taken a knife and was etching the floor. His right arm was covered in blood—I’m told the ones who found him didn’t quite believe it at first—and he was using it like an inkwell.  The bent and twisting lines were interspersed with beads of blood, and stretched all across the floor and up to the walls. He’d been there for hours, pale and shivering, but grinning wide, enraptured by his work. He didn’t even look up when they called his name.

It took four of us to wrest the blade out of his hands and tie him down. The captain came along after, grinding his boots contemptuously on the bloody diagrams. Soon after came the doctor, who stepped around, taking care not to disturb them. After a few minutes of examining the bound man, who struggled and thrashed terribly all along, the doctor wound up his arm in a bandage and stood up. Yet his eyes drew downward and traced the swirling red inscriptions. He stooped, hand swept an inch from the savaged boards.

“Music”, he whispered.

 

After the incident, the captain ordered regular searches of the ship. The low beams and curving walls had been familiar to me, but now I walked through the oil-lit dark with a tender step. Every corner could hide a crewmate gone mad, every crevice could play host to dark thoughts and darker deeds. The older ones, whom I begrudgingly found myself included in, we trusted each other. It wasn’t so different from cabin fever, we supposed. But the younger ones, they got jumpy. They travelled in pairs, or threes below deck, and talked in low voices. The ship went quiet, and the keening only grew louder, deeper, more pervasive and ever more inescapable. Keeping quiet only reminded us that silence was a luxury we left behind on shore.

 

Two days later, we found another one. Another greenhorn, from New York City, I recall. He’d joined up after Brooklyn. He’d been full of rage against the beasts, and talked loudly and often about skewering and butchering as many as he could. We found him hacking at the hull with a hatchet. He hurt two men who tried to tackle him. Finally someone got him with a board. He went down hurling curses and tears. We kept him tied up beside the first, in a makeshift brig of wooden boards across a crevice. Usually, he would scream, seemingly in terrible pain, at least once or twice a night. It put everyone on edge, and the dark quiet hours were tense, waiting, dreading.  No one slept much.

 

A day after that, another one. I knew him better then the first two, a tall Swede, quiet and inoffensive to all. He’d been a great reader, I recall. I’d never appreciated it before, but there’d been a great comfort in his tall, sturdy frame curled around one of his books, while the rest of the men swore and drank and yelled. He was trying to light the ship on fire with a great pile of torn pages and a cask of oil. After, he spent the hours muttering to himself in strange languages that shifted and twisted and wore their way into the mind.

There were a few more out of our crew of a scarce few dozen. One simply disappeared, until we found him days later, crammed into an empty barrel. He’d wedged himself in and waited for the end. Died of thirst.

Another hung himself from the mast in the night. We found him swinging there in the morning. The captain cut him down himself.

We held a small ceremony for each, with the whole crew in attendance. I think we were mostly happy to have them gone. It cleared the mind, somewhat, considering the dead. It was the live ones, the mad ones with their mutterings and capricious cries in the night, that preyed on our imaginations. We kept them locked up tight, but I think they did more damage crammed away together, then if we’d just let them do themselves in. A suicide is a dark thing, no doubt, but it fades. Their voices were a constant reminder of what we were chasing, what we were risking. Not all of them were young and inexperienced.

 

The wake narrowed. The keen rose. Finally, we spotted the beast.

It was the early dim of the morning twilight. The sea is grey at that hour, and the sky is ash-blue. The sun is an orange smear on the horizon. It was just the same that morning. The the call came down into the lower decks, perked every ear and set hearts racing.

We all scrambled up onto the deck. The captain was there—I never recalled him to sleep for a full watch—seized to the side, staring with ferocious intensity forward, into the wake, a thousand foot path that ran to the horizon. He stretched out a hand, clawed the air, as if he could wrench the beast from the depths by his will alone. Fate, it seems, indulged him.

There was a churning in the sea, ringed with clouds of spray and mist that shimmered in the morning grey-glow. Yet it did not sparkle, or shine, like it usually does. Instead, there was a dim and clammy curtain hung across the lightening horizon. Even several miles distant it cast a pall on every face and burdened every heart.

The churning and boiling split away, and we glimpsed—or thought we glimpsed—pieces of the deep thing. It was no rounded whole, like the smooth bulk of a whale, but a divided and fragmented tangle. It might have been a swarm of several dissimilar creatures, biting, clawing, intertwining and struggling to against each other. But the thing moved as a whole, even as it fractured the sea around it. When the water settled behind its movement, it never quite seemed to smooth out again, as if the beast released some secret oil that disturbed the water. Perhaps the world was simply loath to join together what it had torn asunder.

All of us stared into the distance, marveled at the size and ferocity of the thing beneath the waves. But our reverie was broken by the captain’s shout. Barreling about, he hurled orders and stung us all to action. Sails were tightened, lines drawn taut on the great drums. The wind at our side, the air hanging cool and damp on every surface, the beast’s silent keen ringing like a chorus in our ears, we gave chase.

 

It wasn’t so different, I supposed, from the old days. The captain cried out orders, and the rest of us attended to the small tasks of sailing which, though insignificant to the untrained eye—a line tightened a few feet, a sail loosened by a fraction—nonetheless comprise the great bulk of seamanship. We readied harpoons on the deck and cleared the deck of every unnecessary obstacle. We prepared our longboats, hung on clammy ropes from creaking frames. But mostly, we waited, and muttered to ourselves that it was just the same, just the same as ever. Just like the old days.

But the ship was driving straighter then any whaler. And the prongs that we carried with delicate tenderness from the dry, padded holds were supplemented with explosive charges. We aimed not to catch, or to kill, but to destroy. And none of us had ever chased something so huge, so strange, so fascinating. It was like my first chase again, new and terrifying and glorious.

 

As we came up, mile by mile towards the creature, it gave no sign that it noticed us. A whale might have been wary of a ship and  its longboats, but the churning, foaming focus of our attention wandered on, plowing its long arrow-straight wake through the ocean. I suppose the thing and its race didn’t fear tall ships or scrambling men. Whether that can change…well, we’ll see.

 

Soon we were within a half mile, and we prepared to launch. Waiting burst into movement, and the oppression of inaction shattered into a fevered rush to the boats. Harpoons were loaded, boats were lowered, lines cast off. Once each had drifted safely away from the ship, arms strained and oars beat the water. Heaving in the swell, straining with muscle and wood against the sea’s grip, they swept forward.

 

I stayed on the ship, too old for the boats, I suppose. I think I would have pulled my weight, but I didn’t envy the younger men, hauling through the surf, soaked with  sweat and spray. Like daggers they flew across the sea.

I wasn’t surprised, when they fallowed or snapped or capsized , sending screams drifting across the waves to us. I tried to grit them out, but you couldn’t, no more then you could ignore the beast’s insistent, rising keen. You accepted it. But still, I had hoped the young ones would do better.

Oh, we all let our spirits rise a bit, when the great Crack! of a charge split the air, blasting spouts of water and flesh. But too often it was men’s flesh, and too often it was just water. And each time, the creature just redoubled its ferocity, crushing the crew under folds of unseen muscles or tossing them aside with wave-cloaked bulk. One by one, our boats sank or splintered or fell, and the beast came on.

It was angry now, if it could contain such a petty human thing as anger. It thrashed and beat and boiled the oceans in every direction, first this way, then the other. Perhaps it was uncertain where its attackers’ lay. Perhaps it was truly enraged. Soon there were no boats left, nor men. Just drowning screams, splinters and corpses.

But the captain—his eyes boiling, his voice burning with fury—he drove us on. .He seized the wheel himself, and heaved it to one side, sent us straight on towards the roiling maelstrom.

There were no sails to be set, no lines to be pulled. Those of us who retained our wits—for the keening was clawing at our ears with a sound like daggers, and it was all we could do to stop from being torn from  our senses—we clung to the deck and prayed. A few broke, then. One fellow began singing, singing as he staggered toward the side. It was a cool and wistful song, and he seemed perfectly calm as he ran to hurl himself overboard. But his eyes were mad as he wrenched out of our grasp and into the waves. I suspect there was more like that, but we never found them. Couldn’t bear the thought of sailing straight at the thing, I think. Couldn’t stand the madness, I suspect. I can’t blame them. Me, I just clung and hoped. Maybe I was already mad. Maybe the depths already had me. I let the chaos carry me, like a breaking wave, towards the deepening sea.

We struck with a terrible blow that sent every man hurling from their place of refuge. Not everyone managed to keep ahold of the ship. The lucky ones were knocked into oblivion. The unfortunates fell screaming into the lashing, wretched grip of the sea.

For a moment, it rose, as if to chastise us for our arrogance, and we saw the thing for what it was.

I don’t want to describe it. I don’t want to. I don’t know if I can.

But I have to try. You have to know.

It wasn’t all of a single quality. There were mouths within mouths within mouths, and eyes filled with roiling, lashing worms. There were fleshy arms, great clumps that coiled and beat the ocean into foam, scaly fins with long, wicked tendrils, and part of what might have been a shell. But even when a piece stayed in view long enough for the mind to form an impression, a second glance might reveal new terrors. Scales were instead chaotic, molted hide, hairs seemed to distend into long, bristling needles that swayed in the spray. Colors would to melt and shift, first midnight-black, then ash grey, an iridescent sheen then a dull monotone. Maybe it was all those things at once, or none of them. I think each of us, moment to moment, tried in vain to pin it to a shape.  Anything you’ve heard, any description, that’s just a man’s way of putting a form to his fears. That’s all it was, really, fear. It was a nightmare without any hope of waking. It was a knife twisted into the world, a gaping wound in the order of things. It was death.

But all tides go out, it seems, and at last it abated. Whether it was the explosives or the harpoons, or the two thousand tons of wood and metal and rage, it ebbed. It let out a ravenous wail, convulsed the sea, clawed at our minds with its terrible keen. But at last it sank beneath the blessed concealing blue-grey waters. Its call faded, the waters calmed, and the world—and perhaps  my mind—was given a chance to heal.

 

We talked a fair bit, in the following, weary days, about what finally forced the beast down. Many of the young ones—although I think no one who came back would ever be properly young again—proudly convinced each other that it was the captain’s final, desperate blow that taught the creature fear. I kept my opinions to myself. Because I didn’t believe it, couldn’t believe that something that had fed on panic and spawned in madness for so long could be turned away by such a thing as fear. Ships do not turn aside for cod. Perhaps it simply had its fill of our fear and madness and, glutted on our broken minds, sank back to its long satisfied slumber.

The scientists haven’t told us what they think. Or rather, they have, and they can’t agree. Me, I wonder. The sea’s been there for a long time. Is this the first time the beasts have risen? I’ve heard the stories of Odysseus, of his run-in with Charybdis. Did the ancients survive their rising and hide them in stories to blunt their fear? I think of London too, and Brooklyn and Singpore, all gone. Like Atlantis and Lemuria before them? Only one thing’s certain. The creatures do not die. There was no blood in the water when we fished the mad and dying out of the sea, except our own. There was no flesh save what we spent to distract the thing for a moment. Our wounds and our dead and our madness were the only record of its passage, and they cost us dearly.

Perhaps we put it to sleep for another few millennia. What did it care? It could glut on our madness and fear until the stars fell, rising again and again until the earth spins into the void and the heavens crack. And there are more, always more, swallowing ships and ravaging coasts and spreading their taint of fear and chaos further, ever further, year after year. We could push them back as many times as there are stars in the sky and still fail in the end. I’ve heard talk of new weapons, new ships, new tactics to keep them at bay. But me, I’d had enough. Leave it to the younger, saner ones, wilder ones. A lot of us felt that way. The sea had finally shown us something unconquerable.  Something we couldn’t beat. Something very much like itself. A lot of us moved inland, found work, and lived as best we could. I still miss the sea. But I’ve never thought of going back.

 

I’ve heard about the great battles, of course, the iron ships with their vast cannon and brass rams, hurling themselves at the deep. Whole generations of young men, sent to die for a few months peace in the lonely sea lanes. The struggle against madness seeping inland from the coasts, and the unending war at sea. The rest of the world—what we hear—well, it isn’t much better. Everywhere it’s the same. Nothing like the old days.

My part’s done. Others will have to man the ships now, and lead the evacuation of the great coastal charnel-cities. Can they win? I can’t say. Mayhap they’ll find some new weapon that can kill the things for good, and mankind can rule the seas again. Perhaps they’ll buy us a few decades of peace before it all goes spiraling into the dark. Maybe it won’t even be that long. You might see the end of it.

Me, I’m through. I’ve seen the worst the sea has to offer. And I’m afraid.

 

 

Justin Roshak ’15

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An otter that was born wrong

An otter that was born wrong is trying to climb up some stairs but can’t, it keeps falling down on the first steps and knocking its elbows on the ground. There is nothing wrong with the steps, the otter just seems to lack a basic understanding of how its legs and the cement should interact. An old man with smoky white hair very vaguely hanging over a very pronounced cranium is watching from a nearby cafe, tapping his little spoon on a teacup. He feels strangely moved by the scene, he is entranced by the clumsy and badly­arranged limbs of the otter and all its protracted difficulties. He is so deeply moved that he decides to take it home, he decides to
teach it to climb any stairs it might find and so forth, so as to “fully participate in the world’s developments”.

At dinner, he realizes the otter’s limitations reach into all kinds of spheres. He finds that the otter has enormous difficulties addressing any aspect of the world, it is stuck in every direction, in every available way. It cannot change a light bulb, talk to strangers, interpret the political impact of certain movies, cancel a cable subscription or reject telemarketing solicitations. It all seems very difficult indeed.

The man bursts with compassion. He tucks the otter in an arrangement of pillows that he carefully sets in his living room’s floor, spends the rest of the night drinking gin in the dark, crying silently and considering the gravity of his suddenly­revealed duty, ponderously looking at his hands as if that new and puzzling situation were a complex, many­sided object he could hold and wonder at.

The next day he establishes a series of crucial exercises for the otter. He teaches it how to prepare coffee, how to make a tie knot, how to ask for food in several different types of commercial establishments. The otter tries to eat the coffee that’s left on the filter, he cries when he tries to talk to a waiter, almost hangs itself with the tie, etc. It’s all very amusing. The man is worried, the otter starts living with him, leaving the apartment only to go to work as the night watch at a home appliances store. The work basically consists of idly walking around the store and maintaining a very sharp and attentive look on your eyes (which the otter barely manages to do). It would be a very easy job if it was not for the fear of robbery. The otter cannot even begin to inhabit the spirit behind the necessary motivation for robbing a store. All the difficulties involved in leaving your own nice warm house and driving a truck of some sort, getting ropes and weapons and ski masks, using violence or enthusiastically­enacted threats, breaking glass, carrying a refrigerator or a stove around and loading them into your truck. All of this nonsense just so you can wash and dry your clothes and keep your food refrigerated! Siting on his stool, he sort of envied the concentrated industriousness he found in the appliances, their capacity to carry out their assigned tasks so wonderfully. They hummed with the hidden workings of their machinery, very confidently achieving their functions, while he couldn’t do anything right, falling around all the time, bumping into people, chewing on thermometers, losing several toes in fires that were partially caused by his inadequacy in dealing with materials that were not even all that
flammable!

The exercises assigned by the old man are all pointless, but neither of them give up. The old man stays up all night reading scientific papers that he does not understand (most of them.pdf files downloaded illegally online) and thinking of how the hell will he be able to redeem the final and ultimate awkwardness that the otter seemed to gather in itself. The otter never seemed to be properly fitted to any circumstance. Yesterday the man had caught the otter watching pornography on the television, but it did not seem to be enjoying the situation, or even doing it on purpose. It’s almost as if the otter has an daemonic negative disposition towards the elements, something deeply nested in him that would always set off the wrong answer to anything.

The man thinks about that in all its awful implications while eating cereal directly from the box, hearing the crunchy sound of his chewing and watching the otter struggling in its sleep, on the floor, its dreams haunted by confusing questionnaires that he has to answer in a soviet hospital as well as by the paragraphs of a German historian stretching endlessly and enveloping him, great sea disasters caused by him and being talked about on the news by very rude newscasters, whole fleets sunk in a dark and thick sea screaming his name.

The man eventually realizes that the best possible solution is for him to write a book. Of course. A Definitive Manual of Procedures, where every conceivably necessary human activity would be didactically explained in a very friendly and simple language. How to make Bouef Bourguinon, How to determine yourself politically, How to behave towards different religious sensibilities, How to choose a car with the best cost/benefit relationship, How to mourn the dead.

After the first night of work the .doc file was already forty pages long! At that rate he would have thousands of pages in a few months! He hides the book from the otter, plans on making a surprise out of it on the otter’s birthday (coming next January).

After two weeks, the book is nowhere near completion. It’s actually not even close to an approximate delimitation of its limits. It only keeps spreading itself indefinitely, like fingers of dirty water leaking from a hose and ramifying like tangled branches on asphalt.

How to show respect towards a group of scared old ladies in an elevator. How to reach behind the TV rack to connect the DVD cables without knocking over anything. How to express resignation when your father­in­law subtly criticizes how you raise your children. How to judge David Bowie’s musical trajectory since the eighties.

The procedures become more and more specific, and even a very simple activity like going to the drugstore usually has to be broken down to a group of even simpler activities. He abandons his first text­based attempt and starts sketching these crude tree­shaped graphs and huge flowcharts endlessly related, each item flowering into new and outrageous systems that he unsuccessfully tries to organize into a whole.

The old man finally realizes (in an epiphanic sort of dream where he trails a fiery underworld led by a very grave psycho­pomp who looked remarkably like David Caruso) that what he’s doing is basically programming the otter. How about that. He doesn’t know much about computers or code or programming languages, but the analogy does seem apt. So now the nights that he doesn’t spend planning new segments or sectors of his massive and world­encompassing flowchart he now spends worrying about the otter’s final cognitive capacity, thinking that possibly it would never be able to process the whole thing and, thus, never really go through those the whole of those operations in a satisfactory manner. This concern, though far from being settled, is in turn substituted by a new and even more complicated one. Considering the dream scenario where the otter would achieve an optimum level of operational procedure (which seems almost impossible), the old man worries that the otter would not really understand the content or meaning of what it was doing. He man finally realizes that after reading a very complicated article that compares computers to someone answering questions in chinese without really knowing any chinese, (which can be done with the use of a hat filled with strips of paper containing the answers, for example). The point of the article seemed to be to be that the otter would be unable to extract from those tasks it achieved any sort of properly felt experience, something subjective and owned by it, it would never be truly realized and completed. He would just be impersonating someone who understood how the world worked, going through the motions and smiling on cue like hopelessly dumb actors playing complicated roles.

The old man considers including in his Manual some sort of meta­commentary, a secondary level of sentimental education that would make sure of that outcome, but the practical implications of that are very clearly mind­melting. It’s all indeed quite difficult. The otter offends the ambassador’s daughter, creates a series of diplomatic incidents, causes a few minor economic crises in several rising third­world countries.

The old man no longer sleeps, he just lies in his bed all night. his hands arched and holding his head, tense and sweaty. Spread all around him are the sketches of his manual, its indecisive form, its rude impossibility. Meanwhile in the kitchen the otter knocks down the table, a few cups, spoons, apples, commemorative ceramic cookie jars, a coffeemaker, a blender and the chair in which it was seating, breaking its hip, tearing several types of tissue and possibly compromising the functioning of a series of its vital structures.

In his room, the man receives the protracted sound of catastrophe coming from the kitchen with a confused sort of relief. He remains quiet in his bed, raises the volume of the TV, tries not to listen to any more noises. He eventually falls asleep and dreams of a formidable musical danced by wonderfully dapper and elegant otters in wonderfully complex (and even symbolically sophisticated) Busby Berkeley arrangements, the moves perfectly enacted by an almost organic­looking group of hundreds of tuxedo­wearing otters, their faces dead, their arms undulating seamlessly.

END

 

 

 

 

Translated from Portuguese by Vinicius Castro

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Tell Everyone This Was Amazing

by Rebecca Rothfeld

I think it’s best to initially level with you. I’m not writing this because I’m inspired or heavy with the weight of something important to say, and even less because I want to accomplish something novel by addressing the reader and acknowledging that I am the author in some clever and tricky postmodern exploration of meaning and textuality. Though I’m smart enough at least to recognize that this introduction likely comes off as a contrived attempt to manipulate you, the reader, into believing that I, the author, am original, quirky, and creative. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to leave you with the impression that I am original, quirky[1], and creative. And I’d be lying again if I feigned ignorance of the seemingly universal success of postmodern gimmick as a means of convincing readers of authorial wit and unconventionality.  At least I can admit that I’m not entirely unaware of the effect this kind of opening has on readers, and can further confess that, at least partially, this entire concept is a ploy to trick you into finding me funny and likeable. I feel even further compelled to concede that the disclosure of my flaws is itself a tactic designed to make me appear genuine and open and honest (and this statement itself is a tactic to make me appear genuine and open and honest, ad infinitum).

The truth being this: that I have nothing to say, but nevertheless want you to like me.

So here’s this emotional italicized section with some

unexpected

enjambment

Because, frankly, I am afraid you’ll dislike me, and that wounds me, even though, in all likelihood, I wouldn’t like you if I knew you, or even if I didn’t know you but was easily able to surmise from the earliest moments of our acquaintance that all the peculiarities of you would conform to a typified model I know that I do not like. And yet I care, deeply and truly and personally, in the deep fleshy internal parts of myself that I try at all costs to hide yet am now revealing, ill-advisedly, to you, what these people, whom I hate, think of me. Because, even more frankly, I want to outlive myself, and that entails impressing a lot of people, more people than I could ever possibly actually like. You should note, however, that this paragraph was not constructed with the intention of winning you over. Far from it. I know this kind of base motivation for producing “art,” if indeed this qualifies as “art,” is unlikeable. And that insecurity is unattractive, or less attractive than alpha-male posturing effected in order to conceal insecurity. And that I might have done better to write a mediocre yet ostentatiously self-reflective story with the hopes of fooling you into believing me a great author. Because generally speaking, entreaties for reassurance are counterproductive, and I’m sure that by now you’re disgusted with the whole enterprise and sick to death of my neediness and regretting your initial decision to pick up something that seemed postmodern and quirky and cynical and dry yet has quickly devolved into uncomfortable sentimentality.

So I guess maybe, at heart, this entire thing is a rejection of the whole tired performance. A striving for sincerity. An exposure of my own vulnerability, despite the likelihood of a hostile reception.

But maybe this (“this” being the above revelation), too, was a deliberately planned machination. Even I don’t know.

The point being that I don’t know how to write a story revolutionary enough to hold your attention and stick in your memory such that you as a reader might tell your friends about it or remember it fondly or choose to write a thesis on it or recommend it to your coworkers, but I want nothing more, in my mortality and insecurity, than to write a story of this nature, that might affect you profoundly or move you or touch you or at least make you aware of me and even curious about me and what I liked or was doing at any given moment. But I’ve nothing to say except how much I wish I had something to say, something that could change you, even a little bit.

 

So let’s not, and say we did.

 



[1]Footnote*

*Footnote within footnote[2]

[2] Self-reflective footnote

 

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Nairobi Nights

by Miriam Kilimo 

 (For the children of Kenyan politicians)

Brenda pulled hard on her necklace, causing the thin silver chain to dig into the back of her neck. She sat nestled between her mother and her aunt in the stuffiness of a Range Rover Sport, in a funeral procession ambling towards Kenya Freedom Fighters Cemetery. On this occasion, her tiny mother wore a black dress, while her mother’s sister, an equally tiny woman with drooping breasts, was adorned in a tight colorful kitenge dress. From time to time, Brenda looked at the women’s arms, which lay outstretched over her lap. She watched how they interlocked their fingers; how they massaged each other’s palms and knuckles in dizzying concentric motions.

When she grew tired of looking at the cycle, Brenda focused on her brothers sitting in the front seats. Alan, the elder one, commanded the vehicle. Next to him was Josiah, a seven-year old boy whose little fingers stabbed at his Play Station Portable in a furious attempt to make Arsenal win over Manchester United. Unlike his twenty-year old brother, Josiah had refused to wear a tuxedo. Instead, he wore his school uniform, a green pair of shorts with a matching light-green shirt that suited his future aspiration of serving as the Commander-in-Chief of Kenya’s Armed Forces. Looking at her family sitting in the silence of the creamy leather cushions, Brenda imagined how each one appeared lost to the voice of Reuben Kigame coming from the radio, belting out a Swahili hymn whose name she could no longer remember.

Just as she had minutes before, Brenda grew restless. She now looked out through the car’s windshield at the black Mercedes Benz at the head of the funeral convoy. Converted into a hearse, the Mercedes bore a stainless steel coffin lined with velvet cushions, inlaid with golden trimmings from Italy, and draped over with the red-black-green Kenyan flag. Within the coffin lay the late Honorable Alex “Captain” Kilonzo, Member of Parliament for Eastleigh West, secretary of the Banana Democratic Movement (the ruling party), and the almost-Minister for Defence. Indeed, Hon. Kilonzo was only one promotion away from being rewarded his own ministerial portfolio, before, according to the official reports, a heart attack claimed him in the middle of the night two weeks before.

As with all politicians, many speculated that this enemy or that foe had conspired to have him killed. After all, Hon. Kilonzo was a Kamba man, and the Kambas are known for their kamute, magic so powerful that it can open up a barren woman’s womb. Kilonzo’s kinsmen in Kambaland swore that an old enemy had consulted with a witchdoctor, causing Kilonzo to die at the youthful age of sixty-five. The residents of Nairobi couldn’t care less for any of these magician theories. Instead, many swore that he had died in his secret apartment in Hurlingham, after nights of smoking bhang, and taking shots of tequila and vodka with underage beauties from the University of Nairobi.

Seeing as nothing could resurrect his comrade from the dead, the president did the next best thing he could for Hon. Kilonzo. In order to inconvenience all Nairobi motorists and accord his comrade his last respects, he had ordered the police to hold off all the traffic on Lang’ata road and Ngong’ road, so that the procession heading to the cemetery could enjoy a smooth ride with enough time to negotiate the potholes carved into the tarmac by the incessant rains. Indeed, two police chase cars preceded the black Mercedes, while four uniformed policemen riding motorcycles brought up the rear, ensuring that Hon. Kilonzo’s dead body received the highest protection possible.

“I hope Mrs. Banda and her women have all the food ready. Feeding all these people is going to be hard,” Brenda’s aunt said, interrupting Reuben Kigame as his voice hit the climax of the hymn “Tutakase na utembe nasi…sanctify us and walk with us.”

“I wonder when it will start raining,” Brenda’s mother replied, her tiny voice squeaking briefly before echoing off, just like everything else, into the silence of the Range Rover.

Brenda looked at her mother, focusing her gaze on the tilt of her bowed head, where a red clasp secured her black scarf in place over her hair. She wondered how long the nameless thing hanging over her family would colonize them into silence.

“Why?” Brenda asked the silence.

Her aunt shuffled slightly on her seat, crossing her legs over each other, so that her purple high-heeled shoes struck a contrast against the creaminess of the seats. Her mother lifted her head and turned to her daughter, trying hard to look into the red eyes hidden behind the dark sunglasses, before lowering her gaze to look at the red necklace tattoos etched on her daughter’s neck.

“Why can’t we bury dad in our farm, below the mango tree by the river? Why couldn’t he be Mr. Politician in life, so that he could be my father in death?”  Brenda continued. She pulled harder and harder on the crucifix around her neck, begging the God-man hanging on the cross to walk with her.

“Brenda, you know why already,” her aunt replied.

Brenda’s mother remained silent. She drew her hand away from her sister’s embrace, and pressed her headscarf to her mouth. As her breaths began to rise and fall in quick succession, Brenda’s aunt reached out and pulled the hand back, then proceeded to massage it faster and faster, forcing Brenda to dig her back into the cushions.

Soon, the funeral convoy turned into the white arched gates of the Kenya Freedom Fighters Cemetery, situated a few meters off the main Lang’ata road. The cars parked along the grassy lanes lining the graves of Kenya’s Mau Mau freedom fighters. Fifty years before, the freedom fighters had attacked white soldiers and black home guards with guns and machetes, unrelenting in their struggle for emancipation. The mourning fraternity slogged its way across their brown faded crosses and headstones, moving beyond their Range Rovers and Mercedes. It was time to bury the dead.

 

 

My father died the night I came home for a three-day break from Alliance Girls High School. As fourth form students, we had been granted a pre-examination break to help us “clear our minds” as we prepared to sit for our final examination, the Kenya Certificate of Secondary Education. Break or no break, I loved coming home. Not because I got the chance to escape stares and gossip in school as a result of being Papa’s daughter, or because I got to see Mama and Alan and Josiah. I loved coming home because breaks meant a trip down to our farm in the Kerio Valley. On the cold nights when the warm air had ascended the valley, Papa would build a bonfire under the mango trees lining the river at the edge of our property. He would tell us stories of our Kamba heritage; of his great-grandfather Masaku — the master medicine-man and magician who had predicted the coming of the white man. On these trips, Mama would cook her samosas and coriander-chapattis (she wouldn’t let any of the cooks come with us), and Alan and I would joke that Christmas had come early.

That night, Papa came home with his sense-of-purpose look — when his mouth drew into a thin line and his darkened face reminded us of our Sudanese neighbor. Mama said he got this look when he won his first election to be the student body president at the University of Nairobi. “That day, he stood up before the cheering students and saluted them, looking them straight in the eye like a pirate looking at his crew. From then on, everyone just started calling him Captain.”  I laughed when Mama first told us this story.  She wasn’t even born when Papa graduated from university!

On the night he died, Papa kissed Mama. I know this because I was walking to their room to show her the present Papa had given me earlier that night. I was so excited that I didn’t even bother to knock on their door, which hung ajar. I heard their voices first:

“Captain, you’ve served this country long enough. You even fought for independence,” Mama said.

“This is my calling,” he responded.

“But the gun isn’t. I don’t care what the Defence Ministry says. Let your bodyguard keep it. I don’t want it in this house. What if Josiah finds it?”

“I have to protect my family.”

We grew up listening to Mama trying to convince Papa to resign from political life. She hated the whispers, the stickiness of the stereotypes about Papa and his lot. When I walked in through their front sitting room to contribute my views, their voices had quieted down already, and I only caught the last moments, when their lips brushed together, and Papa’s hand rested on Mama’s face. Mama sensed my presence and turned her face towards me, shaking her head slowly, and I saw that Papa was wiping tears from her eyes. I walked out.

I didn’t hear or see them again, but I know later that night, Mama woke up. She slid away from Papa’s arms, and slithered to the chest of drawers in their dressing room. She opened the last drawer on the left, where I had helped her put Papa’s white handkerchiefs earlier that day, where we had seen the gun together. “We should give Aunty this gun to get rid of,” she had told me then. Mama now pulled out the gun from the drawer, and put it in her big snakeskin handbag. When she turned to hide her handbag, she found Papa standing a few steps away. He moved closer, reaching out his hand to Mama, asking her to give the gun back to him. He pulled Mama’s handbag towards him, but Mama wouldn’t let go. She plunged her hand into her bag to grip the gun, and Papa sank his hand in too to draw it away.  Mama tried pulling and pulling it away from his grip, but her tiny hand slipped, and the trigger moved. The gun wasn’t locked. The bullet shot Papa straight in the stomach.

The resounding blast of the bullet echoed throughout our house, waking me up. I realized I wasn’t dreaming. I jumped from my bed and charged to the hallway, meeting Alan at the foot of the stairs. Together, we dashed to their bedroom, where I knew the sound had originated. We found Papa lying face down in the dressing room, and Mama trying to push him over, as his blood soaked into the carpet, tracing red-greenish rivulets.

“Captain!” Mama cried out. She cupped Papa’s face, the same way I had seen him cup her face a few hours before.

Alan sprang to Papa’s side, and pushed him over in one swift move. His hands moved mechanically over his chest, pressing the lungs up and down, while Mama pressed her hands against the wound, struggling to keep everything in. Then Alan lifted Papa up, and I rushed to help him bear the weight, before he cut me short and shouted: “Call Aunty!”

My hands fumbled with my phone, as I tried typing in my aunt’s number and running after Alan, who carried Papa over his shoulder, and Mama, who ran after them. Aunty took her time before answering the phone, and when she did, all I could hear was loud music blasting from the other end of the line: shouts, screams, the usual atmosphere in the Hurlingham apartment Papa had bought for her. She could hardly hear me over the noise, and the line went dead when she heard me say “Papa” and “gun”.

After we had hurtled down the stairs and entered the car, Mama and I sat cradling Papa in the back, while Alan revved the engine to life and drove us to Karen Hospital, the small hospital a few minutes from our house. When we arrived, Alan carried Papa in and surrendered him to the flustered nurses at the door, who rolled Papa on a gurney into the emergency room. I knew it was over.

Mama retreated to a corner of the empty room. She slouched over, and began rocking back and forth, calling out for Papa. I sat beside her, encasing her under my arms. Her cries reminded me of the night seven years before when I was eleven and she went into labor. We were inside their sitting room, and Mama had just told me to retire to bed when the first pains rocked her body. Papa had stood up promptly, scooping Mama in his arms as she held on to his neck, crying out his name with each successive breath. As the same guttural sounds now filled the empty space, I felt the first pain prowling into my heart. I looked up to Alan, seeing that Papa’s sense-of-purpose look had etched itself on his face.

Suddenly, Aunty burst into the waiting room accompanied by a tall bespectacled man. It was Papa’s doctor. She looked once at us, before going with Papa’s doctor into the emergency room. When she came out, she walked to our corner and crouched beside us.

“We can never let people know how Captain died,” she began. Turning to Alan and me, she said, “If your father’s clansmen find out what happened tonight, they will bewitch your mother, take the last of your father’s wealth, and leave you without a parent or a home. We must keep silent.”

Then she went to handle the paperwork. When the press and party members came later at 5 a.m., Aunty spoke with them, showing them the report from Papa’s doctor. He had died at 1am after suffering a myocardial infarction. Heart attack.

 

 

As the mourning fraternity walked to the grave earmarked for the politician, Brenda looked at the grass around burning a brilliant green. She imagined how the buried warriors of Kenyan past fertilized the grass, giving up their store of flesh and bones to give life to another. Soon, she thought, her father would join this legion. He had lived among comrades who had fought for their independence, and he would now rest among them, soaking in a freedom she would never enjoy.

The mourners surrounded the open hole in the earth. Brenda and her family stood on one side, while the politicians stood on the opposite side. The stainless steel coffin separated the two sides, resting on the belts ready to lower it to the grave. A few meters away, a group of young soldiers cocked their guns, before conferring a twenty-one-gun salute for the departed big man. Then the presiding pastor who stood before a dark marble headstone began the graveside rites. He circled the grave once, muttering “Dust to dust, ashes to ashes” under his breath. Afterwards, while lifting a Bible over the coffin, he asked the fraternity to sing the last hymn. As the words of the song rent the air, the clouds finally opened, and it began to drizzle. Then the song’s name dawned on Brenda. It was Enda Nasi, the same hymn Reuben Kigame had sung earlier that day as they drove up to the cemetery.

Kama huendi nasi.

If You don’t walk with us

 

Hatuwezi kutoka hapa.

We can never leave this place

 

Hatuwezi pekee yetu, enda nasi.

We cannot walk alone God. Please walk with us.

 

From the corner of her eyes, Brenda watched her mother crumple, her weight falling solely on the tiny body of her aunt. Alan stood stoic, his face unmoving. He gripped Josiah’s hand, whose Play Station Portable now lay limp in his hand. As the coffin began descending slowly, Brenda remembered her father’s lifeless face, when Alan’s frantic attempts to breathe life into his lungs had failed. As she reached out her hand to pat the descending coffin, her moist hand glistened like her mother’s bloodied hand, which had failed to stop the stream of blood that night. The cross around her neck now felt like a heavy weight pushing air out of her lungs. The pain growing in her chest reminded her of the first time she enrolled in Alliance Girls High School, when Papa had driven her through the green gates down the tarmac road to the old white building teeming with students. Although he had told her something about words not breaking her bones like sticks and stones, her ribs had begun constricting that day. She had known that moments with Papa would become fleeting; that the whispers would only grow louder with each passing day. As her lungs twisted for the last time, Brenda finally screamed — a cold piercing cry that startled the politicians standing on the opposite side. She began pounding her chest, trying to dislodge the constricting weight, yet knowing that the nameless thing choking their family had won. Papa would never be buried under the mango tree. He had never been theirs.

In the following years, the television stations would reenact this last scene from Hon. Kilonzo’s memorial, replaying the death of the politician to an insatiable audience. The radio stations would hold live radio shows with competitions and discussions: “Who Killed Captain Alex? Best Conspiracy Theorist Wins 5,000 Kenya shillings!” in the vernacular Kamba FM stations, and “What do you remember about the Captain: Unearthing the Secret Lives of Politicians” in the uptown gossip shows of Nairobi radio stations.

In these days, Brenda’s mother will close her eyes and rock back and forth, her hands interlocked with her sister’s. She will recount the night her husband died, lamenting why she woke up, why she couldn’t wait for the morning, why she struggled for the gun. And her sister will massage her hands, slow then fast. “Sister, remember Captain’s clansmen,” she will say. “This is Kenya. We are better off crying in a Range Rover than crying on a bicycle.”

During rainy Nairobi nights in these years, Brenda will remember the night her Papa died, when he had come into her room during her break from boarding school, when he had hugged her, and pressed a thin silver chain with a crucifix in her palm. That night, he had prayed for her:  “God, walk with my daughter.” 

 

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Kong Krew

by Jacqui Calloway ’14

We stood facing the baseball field, on the bleachers with suspiciously rusty railings, separated from the field and the camera-holder by a chicken wire gate. There were one hundred and forty-one of us freshmen. We formed a mob of crimson in our matching red t-shirts, and we smiled at the photographer in the middle of the diamond. “His parents are going to appreciate this so much,” we said, as we sweated underneath the afternoon sun. “They’ll know how much we cared.”

* * *

 

About Me? My name is Jimmy. I’m Japanese and my hometown is Tokyo. I go to Charleston High. I fuck around a lot with my friends, but I’m actually one of the shyest people you know. If you met me a couple years ago, I was always doing stupid shit, but I’m trying to wind down.

 

* * *

 

I was finishing up my algebra homework one Tuesday night when I picked up the phone.

“Have you seen Evan’s MySpace?” my friend Rachel asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Like have you looked at it tonight?”

“I don’t think so. Why?”

“Just look it up. Now.”

I left my bedroom, padded down the hallway, and slid past the cracked door of the master bedroom, where my mother and sisters slept. I tiptoed to my mother’s desk. The computer screen glowed, and my youngest sister breathed heavily in her sleep as I navigated to Evan’s page.

“Okay, I’m typing in the website…I’m logging in.”

Then a long pause.

“What’s taking so long?” she demanded.

“I’m sorry! You know my internet’s slow.”

“Hurry the fuck up!”

“I am hurrying! I’m on my homepage…I’m clicking on Evan’s page…Is this a joke?”

“I don’t think so.”

On the night of October 10th, visitors to Evan’s profile didn’t find the usual paragraph of autobiography highlighting his three favorite things: being Jewish, living on the beach, and his Siberian husky, Ava. In its place was a chunk of text beginning with this:

DEDICATED TO ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE I’VE EVER KNOWN: On October 10, 2006, Jimmy Mao, my best friend since 4th grade, passed away.

 

* * *

The next morning I woke up and felt bad for Jane Calhoun. It was her birthday, and for the past week she had been looking forward to a decorated locker, cupcakes during lunchtime, and a cafeteria serenade.

Instead: birthday wishes paired with ironic smiles. Happy fifteenth, Jane! I don’t think we sang to her. It would have been too weird.

I stepped off the bus that morning and was instructed to go to the school auditorium. We filed into the damp, unlit room and sat. The guidance counselor told us Jimmy died last night, but it hadn’t been decided how. “Stay here as long as you need to,” she told us. “Go to class when you can…okay?”

We sat in the dark with our heads bowed. I heard sniffling and muffled crying, and also the occasional rustling of someone who hadn’t known him very well leaving his seat, scooting past five other kids to the aisle, slinging on a backpack, and wrenching the heavy door open. Four seconds later, it slammed shut.

The story we got was that Jimmy was cleaning the barrel of a gun and it misfired. It’s a touchy subject. The older kids at school gossiped: He must’ve been an idiot, blowing his brains out while cleaning a gun. Didn’t he know what the fuck he was doing?

My mother tried to convince me that the shot was intentional. “You know what I think about the matter,” she said anytime I brought it up. I always objected. Jimmy didn’t kill himself. He had friends. He was a smart kid. He didn’t leave a note.

But Jimmy liked guns. He knew them very well. I guess there’s nothing to prove it wasn’t suicide, either.

 

* * *

 

I’m an Atheist. I’m a proud supporter of the Marines and I’ll probably be one in the future (but hopefully I’ll hit West Point or Annap or something). I am a soccer player, a shooter, an airsofter, a paintballer, a skateboarder-in-training, a rock climber, a photographer, a film-maker, a runner, and the coolest Asian guy you know on myspace.

 

* * *

 

Jimmy, me, and thirty other kids from our high school had gone to middle school together. He belonged to the gang of boys that boasted of after-school adventures climbing trees, playing soccer on the roof of the parking garage across from the school, and finding discarded liquor bottles that weren’t totally empty. On weekends, they waged paintball wars and during class they discussed the merits of different models of air soft guns.

In seventh grade, Jimmy and I both found ourselves playing spin-the-bottle at Kyle Hagwell’s thirteenth birthday party. The bottle was landing on me often. “Uh oh, Marilyn’s a pimp!” said Ryan Honney, who was blond and blue-eyed and wore a puka shell necklace. Jimmy Mao contributed to the popularity of my lips that night, but I don’t remember much about kissing him. His kiss wasn’t the softest—Kyle’s was—and I can’t decide whether it was Jimmy or Landon Riley who had the beads of sweat above his top lip.

After Jimmy died, the kids who had been closest to him burned the tips of paper clips and used them to etch his initials into their arms. JM. The girls weren’t so brave. For us, a girl named Megan designed special Jimmy t-shirts, but only for kids who had gone to our middle school. These, of course, were supplemental to the red ones that all freshmen were allowed to buy.

After she demanded fifteen dollars and a plain black t-shirt from each of us, she went to the mall to have “In Memory of Jimmy” airbrushed on the backs. Then she ironed a MySpace picture of Jimmy on them all. He’s standing on a front porch, wearing a light gray t-shirt with CHS printed in green letters on it and holding a can of Corona Light. He has this kiddish half-smile that makes me think he hadn’t actually been drinking. Maybe he’d just found an empty beer at a friend’s house and thought it would make a funny profile picture.

I held out on buying one of the shirts Megan made for as long as I could—I had already spent $10 on the red one and I thought it was creepy to wear a shirt with Jimmy’s face on it—but that’s not the kind of thing you can choose not to participate in.

We were big on collages. We’d compile photographs of Jimmy from our middle school days and scan them into the computer. In his younger photos, Jimmy is chubby, and he wears shirts that are way too large for him. In the later ones, he looks rather impish, as if to say, “Yes, after school, my friends and I are going to jump off the second story of a building to compete for the coolest landing.” His mostly looks pleasant. He looks happy.

 

* * *

Jimmy didn’t get much media coverage. There was no obituary listing his extracurricular achievements, no hard-hitting story on the six o’clock news about the death of a young teenager with aspirations to be a marine. Just a death announcement in the Thursday, October 12th edition of the town newspaper.

MAO, Johnathan K., 14, of Charleston, a Charleston High School student and son of Andrew Mao and Mary Young Mao, died Tuesday. Arrangements by Kohn’s Chapel.

 

 

Just those two sentences.

My freshman year in high school, I made a list—21 things that had changed since eighth grade. I started going by “Mari” instead of “Marilyn.” Larry Cooper asked me to a dance via MySpace message and I declined. The best is item number three: “The cool boys talk to me.”

Jimmy’s death didn’t make the list.

“His death brought us together,” we’d say back then. “It’s why we’re so close. It made us a family.” What’s funny is when we took that group picture, everyone was all “Duck down, would you, Brandon? You’re so tall,” or “Kayla, move! You’re blocking my face.” Everybody made sure there would be proof of how much they missed Jimmy Mao.

 

* * *

 

Megan berated a bunch of people for asking Jimmy’s middle name. The morning we sat in the auditorium, half a dozen kids assigned themselves the duty of making a banner on which students could write Jimmy-related messages. After writing JIMMY in big black letters, they realized none of them knew his middle name and approached those of us who’d gone to his middle school for the answer. That bred a lot of gossip. “If you don’t even know his middle name, you obviously weren’t close enough to be that upset about it,” Megan snapped, and we all nodded in agreement.

It was Kong. Nobody ever forgot it again. It appeared on the front of our red t-shirts. We’d already decided t-shirts should be made, but couldn’t figure out exactly what to put on them. “Kong Krew,” someone said in class one day, “but with ‘crew’ spelled with a ‘k.’” We all thought it was clever and good.

So Alison BonCoeur ordered the KONG KREW t-shirts, and everyone who mattered forked over the ten dollars within a week of his death. We took a picture wearing them and sent it to Jimmy’s parents. They became a four-year long fashion statement.

 

* * *

 

I’m captain of an airsoft team in Charleston. Charleston’s cool and all, but I wish I lived anyplace else from where I am now. I’m not judgmental. If I know you, I’m your friend. If you’re a jackass, whatever. I’ll still be your friend. I’ll just keep in mind that you’re an asshole. Anyways, I’m pretty bad at this myspace stuff, so, here goes nothin’.

 

 

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The Belshaws

by Cooper Stimson ’13

As a girl of seven, Temple Belshaw spent a sticky afternoon in Renfrow, Vermont setting up a long, precarious arrangement of dominoes throughout the house; she would later come to regard this as foreshadowing her entire life. The black, red-spotted dominoes featured identical carvings of a Chinese dragon on the back. She began with just a few on the floor of her cozy upstairs bedroom, and the sweat on her fingers stuck to the dominoes, generating several false starts. Once the project really got going, Temple still did not divine the scope of the thing that was to be–not until she had spiraled her way out of her room and to the top of the stairs. Her understanding of the matter was that this was a crossroads–to carry on, or to concede–and Temple knew then that she would not rest until this was a masterpiece.

Her mother Doretta disagreed, and while she allowed the dominoes to be left standing, she told Temple that she would still need to go to bed on time. The dominoes spent the night in their corrugated curves; Temple tiptoed between them to bed, holding her night dress up so as not to disturb them, and in the morning she changed her clothes standing on the bed so as to minimize the danger. On the hardwood pew of their small town church she sat uncharacteristically still, her mind abuzz with swirls and curves and Rube Goldberg monstrosities. The rest of the day was spent on the careful standing of her black monoliths and the designing of the type of workarounds that her future grandson would one day call kludges. The day was boilingly hot, and Temple’s south-facing room not unlike an oven. When Doretta brought up an electric fan to cool Temple’s room, Temple carried the trailing cord behind her like a bride’s train, and that night she was lulled to sleep by two things: the gentle breeze of the fan, and the thought of the perfect, fragile monument she was creating. Even with the dominoes and the fan, sleep was hard to find on these hot summer nights. The air lay over Temple’s face like a thick wool blanket soaked in warm water. For hours she simply planned the next day; the possibilities stretched before her like forks in the Trail, unaware of the coming tragedy.

Three quarters of a minute before a quarter past three that night, Temple was woken by the thunderous sound of a gigantic deck of cards being stylishly shuffled–or so it seemed. With her pulse galloping in her ears she reached for where her blanket lay in its discarded croissant-shape at her feet and pulled it swiftly up to her chin. Down the hall that felt as distant as Boston, she heard her mother call out something precisely indistinct–but Temple would not move, not until Doretta came in, asking what was that. Then Temple managed to sit up, as Doretta lit the lamp, and only then did Temple see her toppled dominoes.

She shrieked and in her frenzy to reach them she tumbled out of bed onto the hard floor. Doretta patted her shoulder, and still she sobbed. “It wasn’t perfect yet,” Temple choked, rocking herself and leaning her head back so the tears wouldn’t collect and drip off the tip of her nose. She didn’t need to go downstairs to see; she knew it was all ruined, and that it was probably because of that stupid fan blowing them over. It wasn’t perfect yet.

As Doretta left to go back to sleep, she told her daughter something that would stick with her for years: “Belshaws don’t take pride in accomplishments; we take pride in the striving. Be a Belshaw, child.” Over a decade later, Temple would have the words typed onto a sheet of paper tacked to her wall in her dormitory:

“Be a Belshaw, child.”

She wasn’t sure what it meant to her, exactly, but she knew that it belonged to her. It was a gift, and she would find that perfect use for it.

The next day, Lamont Belshaw came home from his business trip. Temple was cleaning up all the dominoes, placing them in boxes and putting them in the attic, when his car pulled onto the gravel. Temple’s tiredly flowery dress was scuffed with dust, and her father’s white shirt was wrinkled, with the top button absent. The sound of the door brought Temple downstairs; Doretta was in her study upstairs, working with the window open. Temple hugged her father like a girl of seven often would, with a lunging affection. Lamont even cracked a smile as he ruffled his daughter’s straw hair. She reminded him of smiles.

Upstairs, Doretta did look up from her work when Lamont opened the door to her study. The room was sparse, a white-painted space with a plain desk sitting near the window, at which sat his dearly beloved wife. She was working longhand, the typewriter sitting unused—Lamont knew that the typewriter only was taken up for the second draft, it was her way. She looked up and smiled absently.

“You’re home.”

“I am. How’s work?”

“Your collar is missing a button, dear.”

Her window was open and the sunlight and wind poured rapturously in; the bare room was but a canvas to the energy of the air that swam in rivers around her. Lamont loved seeing her working; she was like a puppet brought to life by a hand, all animated and gestural. Too many days he spent knowing that she sat in circuitous frustration at this same desk; the swirling vigor of her creative spell could not banish the stink of bitterness that the room seemed to have absorbed, that seemed to reside in the very paint and in the small spaces between the floorboards. There was more missing in the room than just a collar-button. He strode near her and she pecked his cheek before turning back to her pencil and pages. Today seemed to be a productive day; he asked her what she was writing because he knew that explaining it helped her to keep focused on what she was really trying to say.

“It’s a romance, Belshaw,” she said. “You remember those. A romance of an affluent widow and mother, falling in love with a man who looks exactly like her late husband. But he is a scheming, duplicitous brute, and only seeks her hand for the money that would come with it. He secretly plans to frame her child for a crime and send him away to military school.”

“That sounds fascinating,” Lamont told her.

“It isn’t—not yet, anyway. Where it gets really interesting is when she discovers his family! He’s already a married man in the next state, leading a double life. His name isn’t even Nick, it’s Richard.” She waited for his reaction, although she tried not to show it.

“What a scoundrel he sounds to be!”

“Well, I like writing scoundrels.”

“You like scoundrels?” Lamont asked half-interestedly, tapping his knuckles lightly on the wall.

“I do not like scoundrels. They are scoundrels. Why must you tap so?” She set her pen down sharply and turned in her chair.

“Looking for studs,” Lamont said.

“Excuse me?”

“In the walls, I’m looking for studs in the wall here–to hang a lamp.”

“I have plenty of light here at the window, Belshaw. The noise of installation would prove more trouble than light should warrant.”

“It would allow you to work at night–”

“Oh, so I may stay up waiting for you? I’d rather sleep.”

“Fine. Fine, Doretta. I shall leave you to your work, then.”

He withdrew, the same force of suction that seemed to pull him also closing the door. The noise didn’t make Doretta jump, but it made her ink jump out of its pot–Lamont knew it must be a story she cared about because that was the only time she pulled out her treasured dip pen–and splatter like dominoes across the page. Through her open bedroom door, Temple watched her father stand outside the door, leaning against its frame, tracing what might have been words across the grain of the aging wood.

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Esquisses

by By Rob Wolfe ’12
I. Au métro

The boy stands shoulder-to-shoulder in the metro car, head down, hands in his pockets, worried
about things like losing his wallet, making eye contact, or breathing in someone’s face. In a way, it’s comfortable. There’s no need to hold on to the handgrips: simply relax and let the packed-in mass of humanity support you. And they do support each other. 78,089 fans, minus a few token Austrians, are riding out together to watch Les bleus clobber Das Team, even though the match won’t matter for the World Cup.
The car lurches to a halt at Garibaldi. The doors slide open and four or five men in red, white, and blue push their way in. Behind them, a man in a tattered overcoat steps on. He stays by the door. His hair is tangled and white. He takes a deep breath and addresses his captive audience.
-Vous savez, ces Arabes, ce sont de vrais salopards.
He speaks an old man’s French, swallowing almost every consonant. He reeks of wine. He’s
incomprehensible. His words fall on near silence, broken by titters and sideways glances. The
old man casts around, settling on a redheaded girl lucky enough to have found a bench seat. He
addresses her directly; she laughs and looks away, but he’s persistent. She looks at him, away
from him, up, down, at the strangers around her.

He announces he’ll get off at Carrefour Pleyel, but stays put on the train’s arrival and leans on the door. One gentleman can’t take it any longer. He reaches past the old man and pushes the
door release. Slowly and with infinite grace, the old man tips over, out of the train and onto the platform. Several impatient travelers step gingerly over him on their way out, then several more on their way in. He finds his feet and stumbles out of the station.

II. Nuit blanche

The bateaux-mouches cruise down the Seine at ten o’clock on a Friday evening, tourists’ gazes
following the searchlights from the Pont Neuf to the Louvre, dipping into the tidal pools
collecting on the quays, and gawking at the marine life within: drunks, lotharios, a curly-haired Tunisian boy who passes the bottle on to resume his rendition of “Hey, Soul Sister.”
The boy pulls uselessly on the corkscrew embedded in a bottle of Beaujolais nouveau. He puts the bottle between his legs and tries again. The others are chatting nearby but the blonde in the red pea coat sits next to him, watching. He glances up at her, then back again, and decides to give up. But even giving up isn’t easy; he has to wind the metal out of the cork before pushing it into the bottle with a key. He jerks the handle to the left and his hand comes away suddenly, the rest of the screw left behind. She sighs,
-That’s all right. We’ll get them to open the next one at the corner store.
Then.
-’ey guys, ‘ow’s it going?
They look up. Two young men, one in a leather jacket, one in his shirtsleeves, sidle over.
-Want to buy some flowers? Just kidding. May we try some of your wine?
While Leather Jacket makes the necessary introductions, Shirtsleeves leans over.
-Are any of your friends single?
The buttons on Shirtsleeves’s shirt swim apart, then together again. The boy stares for a moment and nods to his left.
-Yeah. These three.
He nods to his right.
-Those ones have boyfriends.
They’re walking south now, all eight of them, with Shirtsleeves and Leather Jacket in tow. They
stop at a bar for the restroom, and the two men are still inside when the blonde in the red coat comes back out.
-Now’s our chance! Run! someone shouts.
They sprint down the avenue, soon lost in the crowd.
Five minutes later, they stand in line outside the Luxembourg Gardens, breath still coming hard, their just-faded smiles creeping back as the cork pops out of another bottle. They pass it around and talk. They say they’ve got the world’s largest disco ball inside, suspended a hundred feet above the central fountain. Light from inside flickers on the apartment buildings across the street.
At the gate, the gendarmes pull the last bottle out of the blonde’s bag and toss it in the trash.
They enter. As they walk down the path, distorted figures thrown by the sideshows dance among
the trees and the clear beams from the main attraction. The boy looks: paper cutouts of lava-lamp blobs and grinning faces rotate around yellow lights that turn the low-hanging leaves around him dull and waxy. Hundreds of people mill around the fountain, looking up at the ball. There’s nothing to drink and nothing else to see. They leave.
The guitar players are gone from the quays. The sun will come up in a few hours, but tonight the
metro closes late. The boy and a few others stay. A man standing on one bank of the river winds
up and hurls a bottle as far as he can; it smashes on the other side. Black, indistinguishable forms laugh, curse, heave glass in both directions.
-French gang war? someone postulates.
Probably not. Another man throws a bottle, stumbles on the follow-through, and plops right in
the drink. The gendarmes pull him out; everyone disperses.
The boy heads south on the metro, en route to the end of the line. His eyelids droop, and he
figures he has time after all to sleep. The car peeks above ground and locks eyes with the sun; he dozes.

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All God’s Children Can Dance

by Thomas Bao ’12

We were waiting that night – first for Calvin to come with the drinks and then for the others to call. Chris was showing me his music and what he’d been watching and we were waiting. Then someone called and we continued to wait until Calvin came and he asked us to help carry in the drinks because he’d brought too much and we took Chris’s car to pick up Emily, who was waiting outside, shivering in a hoodie that covered her blonde hair. She got in the back with me and I tried to think of something to say, but couldn’t so we defaulted to talking about how we were getting ready for college next year, but then gave up and I looked outside at the passing lights and thought of the time I got high with Chris and I said something as we were falling asleep, and realized I had said it while dreaming, and when I woke up, he was already asleep, and then the car stopped and we were at University Ave, where everyone else – Ben, Kit, Erica, and Erica’s boyfriend – were, eating in a Thai restaurant. We joined them, talking until Bill and Braddock came, already high and hungry and Chris asked them if he could buy some weed, so we ended up following them to a pizza place where they ordered and Chris paid them, while I walked around before sitting with the others outside to talk, when Kit, who I hadn’t seen since middle school, started talking to me and I didn’t really know what to say. Then we were at the lake, where, Calvin took out the drinks, offering first to Emily who passed and shook her head with her arms crossed and when I looked at her I felt sad though I didn’t know why and then to Erica who gulped down the poured drink and then began yelling at bikers for no reason,
and all of us tried to stop her because we didn’t want the extra attention, but she just laughed.
Suddenly, I felt cold and I began shivering, when Kit, without me even needing to ask, went into her car and lent me her jacket and all I could say was thank you, while the rest of of us, were again waiting in the cold, talking, but not really, listening to the susurrus of the woods
around us and the lake. Then Ben got a text for a party and we all ended up getting into our cars again, but then Kit wanted someone to sit in the car with her but no one wanted to and I wondered why she cared so much and why no one wanted to and I looked at her from inside Chris’s car and Chris told me to just keep the free jacket but I felt sad for her and returned it. So we left without Kit to find a house with the door open where much older kids from community college were sitting around, drinking. When we saw this, suddenly, we just wanted to leave and ditch Ben and go and smoke hookah, but Erica wanted to see, and Ben and Calvin went in with her, while Chris, Emily and I stayed outside with Erica’s boyfriend, who leaned against his car smoking, and when we asked him why he hadn’t gone in, he just shook his head, said, “whatever,” and then stomped out his lit cigarette before lighting another. When Ben,
Erica, and Calvin returned, we got into Chris’s car saying we were just going home, but really, we just wanted to leave Ben and Erica and Erica’s boyfriend. Ben tried to convince us to stay, but we got into Chris’s car quickly and drove off before he could even wave goodbye to us. Inside, Calvin and Chris started joking about how sketch the party seemed – the open door and the people we didn’t know, while I sat in the back with Emily whose arms were still crossed and I thought she looked tired. When we got out, we were at Chris’s house again, and we went into his guesthouse and then the bathroom inside, where we turned on the fan and just sat inside, drinking and blowing smoke rings with peach scented tobacco, just talking. Chris told us about his time in Europe and how Klein kept puking in Amsterdam every time he smoked and how Miranda got herpes messing around with Maz, a local they met in Spain, and then we talked about Charles, who gave me a black eye once, and how at a party he hooked up with Christina and she started off on top but he couldn’t so they switched and he tried until she put him in her mouth and tried until he had to use his hands and Christina almost cried because she couldn’t
make him cum, and I thought how weird it all was and sad. Then we started drifting off, while Chris made a bong out of a cola can to smoke whatever weed he had left, and suddenly it got serious and we were talking about Garth, who we all knew from middle school but was now gone forever because he drove a stolen bimmer into a highway divider and suddenly it was quiet and we were all looking down at our drinks and I was laying in the bathtub listening to the fan
whirl around and around, when someone’s phone buzzed – it was another text and we got into our cars again. When we got out, we were in front of an abandoned warehouse, where Naomi and Shareef who sent the text were and I had a bad feeling because Shareef and Naomi did coke together and Shareef kept talking to me outside in the cold talking about we hadn’t seen each other since freshmen year when all I wanted was to get inside and avoid them but they kept talking until finally Chris said something that made them lead us inside the warehouse and then they went back outside to wait for the others to come and I looked back and saw him pull out his cock and rub it up against Naomi the way he always does and I didn’t want to look and felt like I had to vomit, but Chris put his hand on my back and we walked into the behemoth mass of people and we started to drink and the music began to fill our bodies and we merged with the dancing crowd. Then I saw a girl with curly hair and I began to dance with her until she took me by the hand to a room and I started to touch her body and rub up as close against her as I could until she took off my pants and then I felt the music stifled from outside the door and I tried to not think about it and bit her lip and started to go but thought of Caroline and then I couldn’t and I thought of Charles and how sad we all were and I tried so hard to keep going that she took me in the mouth and I just wanted to leave and she started yelling something as I closed the door, leaving without the others to drive to Caroline’s, where outside, I called her, and she picked up drowsy and I told her I was sorry and I passed her house and she should come outside immediately. When she did, I almost hit her while I was reversing but it was okay and she hopped in and we drove to Alex’s dad’s house in the dark, the old house we spent so much time together in that was now empty because Alex and his father were in Hong Kong and this thought made Carol cry because she was in love and I started to feel sad but I didn’t want to cry and this made us think of everyone we had ever loved and made me think of Garth. I tried to think of something to say, but then my mind went blank and I felt like a light had gone out. At that moment, I felt as if we were going to vanish and so I told her we should go inside and we went to the backyard porch and sat in our clothes freezing, looking at the skyline and its reflection in the pool and I told her about what I saw – the dragon invading the castle and how beautiful it was that next to this skyline were the stars that shone so brightly and next to that were the neighbors watching a movie upstairs with the T.V. casting flickering shadows inside like a Hopper, like Nighthawks 1942. I told her how far away all this made me feel and I asked her to promise to paint this scene for me and I took her hand and we danced on the backyard cement until we were sweating and we went to lie down on the old leather couch and talked about how good the cold couch felt and we tried to talk more but gave up, realizing it was all unnecessary. And, finally I stared at her and placed my hand on her cheek and she rested her leg on mine and we sat there saying nothing, thinking of Hopper and Charles and Garth and everyone we knew and loved and how we’d be leaving it all and we held each other, trying to be as still as possible and there was quiet.

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Seeing You

Hannah Seulgee Jung ’15

She was asleep on my shoulder. I wanted to wake her, ask her, Excuse me, haven’t you missed your stop? But the ticket she held in her hand said, no, not until the very last. Her hair tickled my chin and for a moment I thought she smelled like Elle. Lavender soap and soft water.
I had another half hour left to the city in which I had loved. She’s got another man but enough time and distance stood between us. I was going there to meet my buddy from boarding school. We were on the debate team and had roomed together. Seeing her came as an afterthought, a secondary business.
Her father’s business was quite lucrative. Hedge fund, it was called. He was my height, an older version of a J. Crew model. He was not good-looking but there was a charm in his speech and eyes that made you think he was. Handsome, even. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to make people believe I was better than they thought. I studied his jaw as he chewed his food, the dignity he leaned back with in any stiff chair, his unassuming gait of an athlete. Once I saw his empty cologne bottle in the trash and noted the Italian brand. I tried to laugh like him, and I tried not to think of my dad with his glasses propped on his forehead, asking me where they were. It was an old game we used to play when I was a kid. Dad pretended he couldn’t see anything and I’d come to his rescue, say, Dad, they’re on your forehead! After he died I pretended he was invisible. As a memento I kept his glasses and his corrected vision became my inheritance. The people in my life appeared smaller than they were, a virtual image through a pair of diverging lens.

I tried to stretch. The girl’s head was heavy and my shoulder was asleep. In her closed eyelids I could see the purple veins. Following one downstream I found a scar, just under the left eye next to her nose. When she cries the scar will collect her tears. When she wakes up the ticket will still be in her hand and her head on my shoulder and she will ask, Excuse me, haven’t you missed your stop?
I missed Elle. I missed that rainy morning in Grant Park when she took off my wet glasses and traced her finger over my brow. “What do you see,” she said, “in me?” I could only tell that her face was hers and that she had my glasses on. She wanted to see as I saw, a corrected vision reduced in scale. I closed my eyes. The rain was falling hard on the umbrella. To not see her at all was better than to see her fading, blurring in the rain, drowned out. “Hmm?” She asked. Her finger was on my temple, cold, then along my ear. “You look like a dream,” she stated. “Familiar and unrecognizable.” She meant I was becoming more like her dad. She stopped her tracing. The rain and the faint traffic along Michigan Avenue was all I heard. I felt the heat of her body as she drew closer, as if to whisper something in my ear. No, she was leaning in to kiss me. Of course. “I wish you were real,” she told me as her nose touched mine. Her breath was warm, her face a pixelation in my mind. There was a picture I took that moment just before the kiss pressed like a camera shutter. It was something I learned from Dad—to imagine inside your eyes without seeing. But when I opened them her hair was dampened dark and the rain had stopped. I felt a claustrophobic suspension. She had sneezed instead. Elle was like that. Ruined the moment only she could ruin. “Bless you,” I finally said.

I was looking out the window when the girl on my shoulder stirred, rubbed her eyes. She shot up. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” She wiped the drool from her mouth with the hand that held her ticket. She reminded me of my buddy, how he would also flush red when he lost a debate. He wore mismatched socks and bow ties and managed not to look funny. He ruffled his hair when he was nervous and chewed mint because he couldn’t smoke. He took the longest showers in the mornings when no other boy in the dorm was awake. I knew he was thinking in there, with the water falling on his head. He was trying to forget me, how I had changed his mind about Elle and that I had loved her too. He tried to forget the books I had given her shelved in her room, my glasses she wore to magnify her eyes, the flat tone she used to tease him that was mine.
When my shoulder was no longer asleep the girl had gotten off the train and I had missed my stop.

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Boys’ Weekend

by Henry Russell ’15

When I discovered the tent in the back corner of my grandparent’s A-frame, I never expected my dad would let me sleep in it for the boys’ weekend, but when I asked him, he said, “sure, champ,” and we took it to the backyard and put it up together.
“Boys should always work hard,” he said as he hammered the last stake into the ground, “but a boy’s weekend is a time for fun. Got it, champ?”
“Roger dodger, sir,” I said and gave him a big salute.
He saluted back and went into the house. I stayed in the tent, drawing a picture in my notebook of our dog Captain and me sleeping in our new tent. I thought about adding my dad to
the picture, but decided not to because it was an illustration for a story called “The Adventures of Mel and Captain.” In the story, we had run away from home.
Sitting in my tent, I smelled the salt air that carried from the harbor beyond the woods. A
red hawk landed on a maple, and I began to draw him too. At some point, the other boys arrived.
I heard them laughing with my dad from inside the house, but I stayed in the tent with Captain
and drew my pictures. I listened as the crickets droned over the voices of the boys and watched
a thorn bush rustle in the wind. A dogwood bloomed white-pink in the center of the yard. A
chipmunk stopped to eat his acorn beneath it, and Captain saw him and chased him into the
woods. I liked it out there in my tent.
There were four of us boys on the boys’ weekend— five if you counted Captain. Besides me, the boys were my dad, my godfather Stephen, and my eldest cousin T.J., but that was it; it was just us boys.
The A-frame belonged to my mom’s parents, but they were letting us use it for the boys’
weekend. My dad called the A-frame “The Love Shack” because it’s where he first met my mom. Stephen had introduced them. The outside panels of the house were painted red, white and blue, but the paint was chipping and faded. Green-brown moss grew up the slant of the roof. When it started to get dark, I slipped inside with Captain, and we explored the house as it creaked under the weight of the bigger boys. In my mother’s old room, I found her dresser drawer empty except for a tiny, brass key. Imagining a secret treasure chest, I searched the house for the matching hole, until I returned to my mother’s room and found the key fit the lock of the dresser from which it came. I left the drawer open and pocketed the key.
Combing the rest of the house, I uncovered, among other treasures, a watercolor in a broken frame my mother had painted of a sailboat, an arrowhead, and a brittle horseshoe crab left in a windowsill. I collected these treasures into a pile at the corner of my tent. In a dark closest whose drawstring bulb wouldn’t go on, I found a heavy trapdoor that opened to the crumbling foundation of the house. Even Captain wasn’t brave enough to go down there by himself.
The boys were in the living room. Stephen was holding a red-striped beer can in one hand, and flipping through a pile of dusty records with the other. “Remember when this album came out, Danny,” Stephen was saying to my father, holding up a white record, “if only Springsteen would shut up and play music like he used to.”
Just then, Stephen noticed me in the doorframe. He walked over and slapped me hard on the shoulder, “where you been hiding, kiddo,” he said. “Aren’t afraid of me, are you?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t afraid of my godfather, but I didn’t like him much either. Stephen had big shoulders, and blond shaggy hair, and his teeth were too white. I was glad this was a boys’ weekend, because I didn’t like the way Stephen kissed his wife— how he pressed his hand on the back of her head as if trying to hold her there forever. Once I even saw his tongue moving into her mouth. It wasn’t anything like my mom and dad’s kisses. I hadn’t seen one in a while, but when I did I always said to myself, that is love. That is what love looks like.
“So, kiddo,” Stephen continued, “any girlfriends yet?”
I saw him turn to my father and wink, and wondered how best to answer this question. I was pretty sure I had a crush on a girl named Alex. In “The Adventures of Mel and Captain,” we
saved Alex from many dangerous circumstances, but I’d hardly ever spoken to her in real life.
Just in time, something I had heard an older kid saying on my bus came to mind:
“I’m playing the field,” I said, and to my delight, the boys laughed.
“That a boy! That. A. Boy,” Stephen said, and clapped me on the shoulder again. My dad’s surprised smile told me he was proud of me.
Stephen turned to T.J. who sat in a lumpy, pink armchair, and said, “but this guy— from what I hear he has a pretty fine piece of woman on his hands. What’s her name again, T. J.?”
“Anne,” T.J. said and nothing else.
“Anne? Nice name. How far you gotten with this Anne, big guy?”
I wanted to hear how far T.J. had gotten with this Anne, but my dad spoke first, saying “All right, all right, that’s enough,” and changed the subject to T.J.’s wrestling season.
My dad woke me from the tent before sunrise the next morning. I followed him around to the front of the house and found the others were already up and packing the bed of my dad’s company truck with coolers, boxes of tackle, and fishing rods. The rods were drawn taught and
curved like bows ready to snap.
My feet sunk into the pine needle drive that was soggy and cool with dew. A thick mist rose through the trees from the harbor and clung on my arms and face. From the backseat of the truck, I watched the white houses of Battlefield Road rise and fade in the mist. Captain balanced on my lap, and I opened the window so he could stick his nose out like he liked. My dad drove slowly around the hairpin on Harbor Drive, and then, out of the haze, I saw the harbor, the little sailboats poking from the blue-grey, the dinghies lined like soldiers along the tideline. Through breaks in the fog I saw the sky turning pink over the eelgrass of the far shoals. “Red sky in morning,” I said, pointing, “sailors take warning!”
“I checked the weather last night,” Stephen said, “it’s gonna be gorgeous.”
When we got to the boatyard the fog had burned off. We untied my dad’s Whaler from the dock and set off up the river for the cut-through. Captain propped himself up at the bow, and barked at the red and green buoys as they passed. My dad laughed and said “Good dog. Never
stops protecting us.”
We meandered up the river through the maze of moored boats and floating docks, and, all of a sudden, my dad grabbed me, and lifted me onto the high rubber of the captain’s seat. My feet dangled over the white fiberglass deck, and he began to show me how to work the wheel. “A
little wheel goes a long way,” he said. I nodded, and then he said, “now you try, champ,” and he let go of the wheel and suddenly no one was controlling the boat, and he looked down at me, and I looked up at him, and he nodded, and I nodded, and then, at last, I grabbed the wheel. It felt cold and electric in my hand like the football ring I sometimes snuck into my dad’s room to try on. I focused on the channel markers. I tried to use as little wheel as possible. My dad went up to the bow with Stephen and rubbed his hand back and forth on Captain’s head.
As I drove, T.J. came back to talk to me. T.J. was my favorite cousin. That winter, my father had taken me to watch him win the Class A State Wrestling Championship. He was short—five foot, six at best— but stocky with a big smile and an army-style haircut. I used to beg him to lie on his back and bench-press me. I liked the way my stomach lurched up and down as I rose and fell. I thought about asking him if he would bench-press me when we got home, but didn’t because I wanted him to think I’d grown up.
We watched an osprey land on a rusting fishing boat, and I asked T.J. what it felt like to be a wrestling champion and he said, “good, I guess,” and he told me about how tough it was to keep his weight down and how he hardly went out with Anne during the winter because he was so tired all the time. I asked him Stephen’s question again about “how far he’d gotten with Anne,” because it confused me, and he laughed, and said “we just kiss,” and I wondered how
it was that he kissed, and if it looked like love, but didn’t ask because I thought that would be weird. A white gull plunged into the water in front of us. I used too much wheel to avoid it, and then corrected that mistake with a larger swing in the other direction.
“What is this— the slalom,” shouted Stephen from the bow, clapping my dad on the back.
“Little movements,” said my dad.
My cheeks grew hot, and I said to T.J., “I’ve never driven before,” and he said, “you’re doing good,” and then looked over the banks of the river as they rolled past in silence. T.J. was
quiet like me. That’s why I liked him. I didn’t know it yet, but a few years later T.J. would step on a mortar in Afghanistan. I would stand with my dad at his funeral and flags ripple red, white, and I would remember this moment on Oyster River. Anne would be standing across from us in a black dress, and my dad would say “he was a good kid,” and I would nod my head and think of the boys’ weekend.
When we got to the cut through, my dad came back and said, “mind if I take over, champ. It’s time to go fast.” He saluted me, and I slipped off the high captain’s seat and said, “Rodger
dodger, sir,” and saluted back.
I went to the bow with Stephen and T.J. and held Captain tight in my lap. My dad revved the engine hard, and the wind rushed past my ears faster and faster. You couldn’t hear anything
over the wind and sound of the engine, so I talked aloud about how excited I was to be fishing
with the boys. I watched the water spraying out in an arc from the hull. I watched and watched,
and then I felt dizzy from watching and looked, instead, over Monomoy point. A red lighthouse grew up from the dunes.
The boat careened towards a throng of grey plovers, and they all flew to the sides as we approached except for one stupid bird that flew straight away from us for as long as he could.
His wings drove like chariots until we were right up on him, and just as I shouted for my dad to stop, the bird veered left and glided back to the others.
My butt was getting sore from whacking on the fiberglass, and I was happy when the boat finally slowed. The other boys rigged the lines, and cast them over the stern, while my dad
explained to me about how this spot was called the Rip, and that it was where the ocean met the
Nantucket Sound, and that this was the best spot on Cape Cod for fishing. All I could think about was catching my first fish, and when, at last, we got a bite, I was disappointed when my dad said, “let’s give this one to T.J.,” and T.J. took up the jumping rod and leaned into the hull to reel it in.
His biceps shuddered under his skin as he turned the reel. He pulled back on the rod and
eased it, pulled back and eased, and when he eased he reeled. It was beautiful the way he reeled that fish.
Suddenly, the glimmering back of the fish ripped through the surface of the water and flew high into the air. It thrashed and leaped and the line jumped and held tight. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them the fish was in the boat. Stephen was saying, “we gotta keeper,”
and I watched him force the jerking fish against the deck and wedge a pair of pliers into its eye- socket to dislodge the hook, and when he pulled it out, the eyeball popped out with it, and it rolled onto the deck and drew a brown-red trail through the speckles of fish blood. Keeping one hand on the fish, Stephen reached down and picked up the eye. He held it up against the sun smiling at it like it was some rare jewel, and then threw it out into the ocean. He shut the writhing fish into the cooler, and it was all over. Stephen and my dad were giving T.J. high-fives, and Stephen said: “we ain’t gonna starve, boys,” and my dad pointed to me and said, “you got the next one, champ” and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to catch a fish anymore.
It took us a while to hook another fish and the whole time I was afraid. I sat by the cooler and listened to the fish flapping on the bags of ice, until, after a while, the fish was quiet, and I knew he was dead. All the while, I watched the rods, hoping they wouldn’t jump. The sun rose high in the sky, and Stephen grabbed a beer and drank it. My dad wound the boat up and down the Rip. I felt in my pocket for the brass key to my mother’s dresser and watched the rods wishing them into stillness.
And then the starboard rod was jumping. The line buzzed out over the ocean, and my
dad grabbed the rod and said, “It’s you, champ,” but I stayed where I was, and he said, “It’s
a big one. We’ll catch it together,” but I shook my head, and I think then my dad understood,
because even though Stephen was saying “c’mon, kid. Be a man. Be a man,” my dad said to Stephen,” “you take this one.” Stephen said, “What? You afraid, kid,” and my dad told him
again to take this one and pushed the rod into Stephen’s hands, and then came over to me and
said, “It’s all right, champ. You catch the fish you wanna catch.”
When we got back to the A-frame, the fog was rolling in again from the harbor. It reached for us through the woods that lined the yard. I sat on the sofa in the den, and watched the white-pink blossoms of the dogwood turn blue in the oncoming dusk.
The house had a mist of its own. Under the orange glow of the canvas lamps I watched dust float on the air like snowflakes. I bobbed my head to the rock-and-roll that spun from the record player and tried to remember the names of the bands as the older boys talked them over.
“Cat Stevens was a genius,” my dad was saying.
“He’s a terrorist,” said Stephen.
T.J. said nothing.
Captain sat in my lap. I thought I saw him nodding his head, but he was just a dog.
The smell of the grilling bluefish wafted from the porch. On the boat, all I smelled of the
fish was bleeding eye sockets and the fluttering, silver gills that shimmered with blood and saltwater, but now the fish smelled like food. The fish smelled good.
My dad was drinking beer from a red-striped can. I watched the way the yellowish liquid slipped into his mouth, and how his bottom lip cradled the lip of the can. He drank the beer like he kissed my mom. Gentle. A gentleman.
Stephen finished his own beer. He crushed the can against his chest, and tossed it towards
the bin the corner. It missed, and he sat back in his pale, grey armchair and sighed. My dad was looking at him.
“Pick it up,” he said.
“What?”
“I said pick it up.”
Stephen stared at my dad, started to say something but stopped and lumbered over to put
the can in the bin. My dad went out to check on the fish. Raindrops began to speckle the wooden
porch. The kitchen table leaned to one side as we ate. The grain of the rough pine splintered into fissures. Captain hid under the table, and I passed him a piece of bread when no one was looking.
After dinner, I went back to the sofa with my notebook and began drawing a new picture of
Captain and me driving my dad’s boat. Stephen and my dad stayed at the kitchen table drinking
their beers. I looked up when I heard my dad say my mom’s name: Heidi. There was something
unfamiliar in the way he said it. Heidi.
I looked out at the tent my dad and I had set up in the back yard. The raindrops rolled down its walls like minnows crowding and falling over each other.
T.J. came in and asked me if he could bench-press me, if he could show me how much stronger he’d gotten since last time, and I said “I’m too old for that now,” and he said, “you’re
never too old to be bench-pressed by your favorite cousin.”
I smiled because he was my favorite cousin, and he wrestled me down to the ground and started pressing me up into the air and letting me fall back against his chest. We counted the reps
together, and, at thirty, I felt him go tired beneath me. The shaking of his arms passed through my own body, and he pressed me up one last time, and then I collapsed down on top of him. My dad and Stephen were in the door frame watching us. Once T.J. had caught his breath, Stephen said to him:
“You drink yet, big guy?”
“Not yet,” said T.J.
“I see,” said Stephen, “old pop’s a stiff, right? Doesn’t let you do anything fun.” He slapped my dad on the shoulder and spilled some of his own beer down his shirtfront, “I always knew old Tom was stiff, eh Danny.”
My dad smiled, but didn’t say anything. Outside, the darkness settled on the yard. Droplets of rain hit the porch, and exploded into geysers in the glow to the porch light.
“Anyway, we can’t have T.J. taking his girl around without any drinking experience,” Stephen continued, “girls like guys who know how to drink responsibly, am I right, Danny?”
My dad nodded slowly. His eyes followed Stephen as he went to the cooler and grabbed one of the dripping, cold beers. Stephen walked over to where T.J. and I were lying on the floor, and said, “get up, big guy,” and T.J. stood up. Stephen held out the beer, and T.J. took it. They
might have been shaking hands.
T.J. cracked the pop-top and lifted the can to his mouth. A thin stream of beer trailed down his dimple as he drank. He held the beer in his mouth for a moment as if thinking something over and then swallowed. I didn’t know what the beer was, what made it different from the lemonade I was drinking, but I did know that in that moment, as T.J. swallowed, he had entered a new stage of boyhood.
Stephen had a proud smile on his face. He turned to me and said, “you wanna’ try, kiddo.”
My dad shot him a look. “Easy, Stephen,” he said, and Stephen said, “can’t he try a little sip of his godfather’s beer.”
My dad nodded again, even slower than before.
Stephen handed the beer down to me. I took it in two hands. It was warmer than I expected. I felt Stephen’s heat upon the can, his eager look. I raised it up to my mouth, and just as my lips touched the metal, my father said, “No,” and I dropped the beer. It hit the ground and
the yellow-brown foam spread out over the floor. The beer sunk into wood like rain into mulch.
It left a shiny, dark stain.
“It’s just a taste, Danny,” said Stephen.
My dad shook his head. “He’s too young,” he said, “His mother—“
“Forget about his mother,” said Stephen, “that’s the whole reason we’re here this weekend— to get away from his mother.”
My dad said nothing.
“Honestly, sometimes I wish I never introduced you to her,” said Stephen, “Sometimes I think it’s the biggest mistake of my life. None of this would have happened if I’d just kept her
for myself.”
And then my dad was out of his chair. His fist flashed before my eyes and buried itself into Stephen’s nose. Captain yowled and Stephen fell back against the wall. For a second, I thought he was going to hit my dad back he looked so angry, but he slumped down against the wall and cupped his hands to his face to catch the blood that dripped from his nose, and said, “Jesus, Danny. What the hell?” and when he said it some blood spattered over the floor from his mouth, but I didn’t hear what my dad said back because I was too afraid to stay in that room any longer. I ran through the screen door into the rain, and Captain ran after me. We went into the tent, and I closed the flap.
In the tent I squirmed into my sleeping bag, and Captain curled up at my feet. The rain
shellacked the walls, and I listened to it fall for a long, long time. I felt in my pocket for the grooves of my mother’s key. After a while, I heard footsteps on the wet earth outside, and the flap of the tent unzipped, and my father said, “do you mind, champ,” and I didn’t say anything.
He came in anyways and lay down on the floor next to me.
I hadn’t realized it yet, but sometime around then, my parents had stopped loving each
other. My grandparents had let us use the A-frame for the boys’ weekend so my dad could blow
off some steam from an argument he was having with my mom. But I hadn’t realized that yet.
On a night in September, my dad would come into my bedroom and say it couldn’t be helped, that he and my mom were splitting up, and that they both loved me very, very much, but there was nothing they could do. They were splitting up. I would tell him I’d be all right, that in “The Adventures of Mel and Captain,” we did fine without any parents, and my dad would look very sad, and then he would have to leave the room. A few months later, an electrician would find mold growing up from the foundation of the A-Frame, and that summer, my grandparents would hire a bulldozer to tear it down. But none of that had happened yet. Lying there in the tent, I didn’t know any of it.
The rain fell harder and harder, but we were dry in our tent, and I asked my dad if Stephen was gonna be alright.
“He’ll be fine,” my dad said, and then he said, “I’m sorry,” and I said, “it’s okay,” and after that we were quiet, listening to the rain.

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The Tale of the Lost Rubies

Nick Jensen ’15

On Tuesday I woke up halfway through my 9:00 class so instead I walked to the Chocolate Salamander Café. It was raining but it was also very hot so it felt like you were being coated in a warm and viscous layer of turquoise paint. I didn’t have a rain jacket because it didn’t rain in Texas and I thought a sweatshirt would be sufficient but it was clinging to my shoulders like an awkwardly affectionate uncle and I kept looking backward because I thought
someone was bumping into me. Nobody was.
Fuck was it hot. I rolled up my sweatshirt sleeves and on my arms appeared rain droplets like bubbles of methane gas ascending toward the light of a match. I’m dumb thinking it was hot in Tacoma since I’m from Austin but it was, okay? My mouth tasted like iodine and I wanted an
espresso because I need coffee like everyone else.
The Chocolate Salamander’s logo is a black salamander with a pink tongue licking its own tail. Like an amphisbaena, sort of. An amphibiasbaena. Part of the tail is dripping as the salamander’s salivary excretions catalyze the breakdown of the chocolate cells composing its
own body. Dripping like oil from a broken pipe. The Chocolate Salamander sells truffles in
these little pink and gold gift boxes and they’re good gifts for your first date with a girl. They also have these actual chocolate salamanders, but girls are supposed to give those to guys even though guys don’t get orgasms from chocolate like girls so the girls usually get to eat them anyway if they’re dating somebody nice.
But most people go to the Chocolate Salamander to get coffee. There are like 50 Starbucks locations in Tacoma because it’s Washington and all but everyone I know just goes to the Salamander. It tastes better anyway or maybe I’m just a hipster. So is everyone I know so it
works I guess.
I didn’t put my sweatshirt on the coat rack. I never do. I ordered my coffee and found a table. There are thirteen tables. One of them has this weird stain in the corner. I don’t know what substance formed it but it looks like a person being surrounded and suffocated by three blankets. I didn’t happen to sit there on this particular occasion. I sat at the table that I had been sitting at when a woman wearing a t-shirt and pants came in and yelled at the manager about her coffee tasting funny a few weeks ago. She looked very compact, like a lot of energy and ambition had been compressed by titanic pressure. Maybe she goes to my college.
I couldn’t think of a five-letter word for ‘inert’ ending in ‘l’ so I marooned my Tribune at
the other end of the table and looked around the room. I looked everywhere, like eyes were
growing out of my skin.
There was a woman sitting on a couch. The Salamander has these two chartreuse couches near the window. They’re pretty comfortable but you can’t bring your coffee or chocolate over
there. Usually people read in them. This woman wasn’t reading. She was looking around too.
She didn’t look out the window much. I guess if you were being contemplative, out the window
would be a good place to stare ponderously because it was raining and staining the glass like a
slime mold. But she was only looking around the café, like me.
I decided to talk to her. She wasn’t crazy hot but I’d be down to fuck her. She was some kinda Asian. She was clearly bored so I figured I’d give her some conversation.
She saw me approaching. “I’m Miranda,” she said. “I know it’s weird but my dad is
super into Shakespeare.”
“I’m Zach,” I said. We shook hands.
I asked her if she liked chocolate truffles.
“I don’t eat saturated fats,” she said.
“Oh. Well it certainly doesn’t look like you eat them.”
“I don’t.”
“What do you like to eat?” I said.
“I’m trying to avoid taking pleasure from food, but I like bananas.” She did not sound flirtatious.
“I like grilled chicken. That’s pretty healthy,” I said.
“Men like meat.”
“Yeah, vegetarians aren’t real men.”
She grimaced slightly, like a clown whose nose had fallen off. “I dated two vegetarians,” she said. One of them was an asshole, so I broke up with him.”
“That sucks. What happened with the second one?”
“We went to Point Defiance and he told me that he didn’t find whale song haunting, so I broke up with him.”
“You sound like quite the heartbreaker.”
“Maybe, I guess. I’ve only broken up with one other guy. The rest broke up with me.”
“Why did you break up with that guy?”
She exhaled loudly, like a dying balloon animal. “That was Mark. That one was the saddest. He was very funny. After I told him about the silly squirrels that would always run around my yard in Hyde Park he rented a squirrel costume and sang a song about a squirrel with a machine gun cane and a bulletproof coat. It was from a cartoon about a secret agent squirrel. I cried from laughing so hard.” She smiled like a Venus flytrap.
I frowned like a pitcher plant. “But why did you break up with him?”
“Oh.” She stopped smiling. “I told him a story from my childhood, and he laughed at the end.”
I was puzzled. “Was it a funny story?”
“No. It’s a wrong story.”
“Wrong?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know that I understand. Would you tell it to me?”
“Yes.”
We looked at each other for a moment.
“Oh, I thought you were going to make me promise not to laugh at the end,” I said.
She took on a new facial expression. I couldn’t tell if it was sad or angry or fearful. I’ve
heard of some studies or something about teenagers being worse at differentiating facial
expressions than adults. I always thought it was some kinda bullshit to get parents concerned
about their kids drinking.
“I can’t stop you from laughing,” she said. “But if you do it will make me very sad.”
“All right, I understand. Please tell me the story.”
“Okay,” she began. “1600 years ago, on the banks of the Khalkar River in Ariana, there lived a mother and her three daughters. The area around the river was desert, and the nearest town was forty miles from their hut. The daughters had grown up without ever seeing a person besides their mother. The youngest daughter was very small but also very clever.
“The daughters and their mother only ate fish. They once had vine of white grapes growing around their fence, but it withered on the day of the youngest daughter’s birth. So the mother and her daughters spent all day among the reeds in the river, reaching into the mud to find fish to eat. The daughters took turns cooking the fish, while the mother spent every evening
hunting for rubies in the sands around the hut.
“One evening, the youngest daughter was cooking the fish, because it was her turn. The other two daughters sat by the fire and told each other riddles. Their mother came out of the hut
carrying her ruby-bag.
“’Why do you always hunt for rubies in the evening?’ asked the eldest daughter, who had never known why her mother did this. ‘You’ve never found any.’
“The mother put down her empty bag of rubies and said, ‘Once, before you or your sisters had been born, I was tending our grape vine when a man on horseback rode by my hut. I asked him why he had come to the Khalkar River, where nothing lived but fish and grapes.
“’He said, ”I seek the rubies of King Arsames. They are buried within these sands.”
“’And so I have searched for the rubies, to buy us a grand palace in Liu-Chien-Shih.’ The mother picked up her bag and walked into the night.
“When she returned in a few hours, her bag was missing. The daughters gave her a fish that the youngest daughter had cooked.
“’Where is your bag?’ asked the middle daughter.
“’A vulture carried it away,’ said the mother. ‘And I had finally found the rubies!’”
Miranda stopped and looked at me. I made sure I didn’t laugh.
“Is that the end of the story?”
“No,” she said. “Would you like to hear the rest?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Okay,” she continued. “The next morning the mother and her daughters went into the reeds to hunt for fish. But they discovered that all the fish had died. The eldest daughter suggested that they collect the dead fish and eat them, but the mother warned that the fish were probably cursed.
“So the mother and her daughters returned to their hut. By this time the mother was very old and weak from her nights in the desert hunting rubies. So she told her daughters, ‘Go to the
great city Liu-Chien-Shih and find yourselves work in the market on the river,’ and remained in
their cracked, earthen hut. She gave them each a flask of water from the Khalkar River, water
that smelled of dead fish. She also gave each daughter a small box and told each not to open hers until she was in grave danger. That of the eldest daughter was bronze, that of the middle
daughter silver and that of the youngest gold.
“The daughters walked together to a very tall pistachio tree where they had often played.
There they-“
“Wait,” I said. “Why didn’t the mother and her daughters eat pistachios?”
“The tree was very tall and they didn’t know you could eat them,” said Miranda. “May I continue?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. So at the pistachio tree, the daughters saw that there was a triple fork in the road
ahead. ‘We don’t know how to read Liu-Chien-Shih, so the best course of action is to take
separate paths and hope that at least one of us reaches the city,’ said the middle daughter.
“The other daughters agreed with her plan. The three hugged and kissed each other, crying, and finally parted at the triple fork.
“The eldest daughter was disgusted by the smell of her water, so she walked a very long way without drinking. She was very thirsty and tired, and was about to fall over when she saw a
pool of clear water flanked by a grove of palm trees in the sands ahead. She hurried to the oasis and drank from the pool. Afterwards she sat down in the shade. Soon she fell into a deep sleep.
“When the eldest daughter awoke she saw a serpent curled up next to her. The serpent greeted her and asked her for a drink of water.
“’Why do you not drink from the pool?’ asked the eldest daughter.
“’In the pool there grows a beautiful yellow water lily which secretes a juice that will cause me to become vulnerable to my own venom and kill me,’ said the serpent.
“’I’m sorry, dear serpent,’ said the eldest daughter, ‘but my water smells of dead fish and
it will surely kill you as well.’
“So the serpent became furious and bit the eldest daughter on her ankle. She screamed curses at the serpent. ‘My family’s descendants will crush your family’s descendants under their
heels!’ she yelled. The serpent slithered up a palm tree and disappeared.
“The eldest daughter remembered that her mother had given her a gift for use when she was in grave danger. She opened the bronze box. And what do you think was inside?”
“Um…” I said.
“Sorry,” said Miranda. “My mother always asked me that at this point in the story. Would you like to guess?”
“Okay… antidote to the snake’s venom?”
“That’s what I said the first time, too,” Miranda said. “Okay, inside the box were 40 gold
coins.”
“Wait, wouldn’t the eldest daughter have heard them jingling?”
“No, they were tied in cloth. May I go on?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, so the eldest daughter found 40 gold coins in the box. She knew that they would not help her bite so she cast them to the ground and collapsed underneath the palm tree.
“By this time the middle daughter had traveled very far. She drank only a little of her
water which smelled of dead fish before vomiting and collapsing by the side of the road. When
she regained consciousness, she saw that a serpent had slithered up to her side. She was barefoot but she knew that serpents were dangerous, so she crushed it underneath her heel and continued to walk.
“After a while she was feeling very tired and thirsty. Eventually she came upon a cave in some rocks and decided to rest, hoping it would be cool. Inside she found a group of 40 thieves.
They had amassed a vast treasure of rubies and kept it in the cave. They quickly tied up the
middle daughter in a golden chair.
“’We will not rob a maiden,’ said the leader of the thieves. ‘But we will only release you
if you give every one of us a golden coin.’
“The middle daughter remembered her silver box and begged the thieves to untie her so she could open it. They released her bonds and she opened the box. And what do you think was
inside?”
“Uh… antidote to the snake’s venom?” I said, thinking I’d caught on.
“That’s what I said the first time too,” said Miranda. “Okay, inside the box was a beautiful ruby ring. The thieves saw that the middle daughter didn’t have the gold coins they wanted, so they tied her up again.”
“By this time the youngest daughter had reached a tall mountain. The road went over the mountain so she decided to rest before embarking onwards. When she awoke she saw that a serpent had curled up next to her.
“Now the youngest daughter was very clever, so she decided to trick to the serpent into helping her. ‘Great serpent,’ she said, ‘your scales are brighter than the dawn and your fangs are longer than the road to Liu-Chien-Shih! Truly you are the strongest and most powerful of beasts!’
“The serpent swelled with pride at these words. It slithered quickly in circles to demonstrate its agility.
“’Oh, and you must truly be the swiftest of beasts, swifter even than the cheetah!’ continued the youngest daughter. ‘I imagine you could easily outrun and kill that gazelle.’
“She pointed to a gazelle that was perched on a rock nearby. The serpent immediately slithered up the rock and bit the gazelle, which did not attempt to run away since it had not seen the serpent. The gazelle soon died of the serpent’s venom. The serpent returned to the youngest
daughter.
“’Such masterful skill deserves an extraordinary reward,’ the youngest daughter told the
serpent. ‘I will cook you a feast worthy of the royal court of Liu-Chien-Shih!’
“So she built a fire and cooked the gazelle’s flesh. After the serpent had eaten its fill, it
curled up and fell into a deep sleep. The youngest daughter crushed it underneath her heel. Then she ate the rest of the gazelle and rested until the morning.
“After she awoke the youngest daughter continued her journey over the mountain. She walked up the steep path for several hours before she found a cave hidden in the rocks. The midday sun was very hot and she was very thirsty, because after she drank all her water that smelled of dead fish she had vomited it all back up. So she decided to rest in the cave.
“Inside the cave she found 40 thieves. These were different thieves than the ones that the
middle daughter had encountered, but they too had a great treasure of rubies. There were many
rubies in the desert in those days. The thieves tied up the youngest daughter.
“’We would not dare rob a maiden, but we will free you only if you give us forty gold
coins,’ said the leader of the thieves.
“Now the youngest daughter was very clever, and decided to free herself a different
way. ‘Great king of thieves,’ she exclaimed, ‘you are so handsome and noble! Please, take my
body to use as you would!’
“Now although the youngest daughter was small, she was very beautiful, and the leader of the thieves decided that this was an acceptable alternative to the coins if the youngest daughter
agreed that after the leader had enjoyed the maiden, the rest of the thieves could use her as well.
“The youngest daughter agreed, and for 40 nights she went to bed with a different thief. The thieves fed her well on rice and lamb kebabs and gave her sweet water to drink. After-“
“Wait,” I said. “How old was the youngest daughter?”
“I don’t know,” said Miranda. “The story doesn’t say. I always pictured her around six or
seven.”
“And she has sex with these adult thieves?”
“She has to, or she’ll be imprisoned.”
“Isn’t she imprisoned for 40 days anyway?”
“I suppose… you’re right, I guess. But I did tell you the story was wrong.”
“I can see that. So how old were you when you first heard the story?”
“Six, I think. That’s probably why I picture the youngest daughter at that age. She’s the
heroine so I identify with her.”
“Well,” I said. “Did your mom tell you this story?”
“Yes. I only ever heard it from her.”
“Did she tell it a lot? That’d be a dreary way to grow up.”
“No,” said Miranda. “Only three times before she died.”
“Oh, I’m sorry about her death.”
“It wasn’t your fault!”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I felt like I was sweating soap.
“Anyway, she only told me the story three times. The first was when I started first grade. The second was when we moved to Sacramento, when I was 11. The last was when I left for college last fall. She said it was a story for journeys.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I felt like I was watching a man bury a child in sand.
“Well, would you like to hear the rest?” said Miranda.
“Oh. Okay.”
“Okay, so after the youngest daughter slept with all the thieves, they gave her a basket full of food and water and sent her over the mountain. She walked for several hours until she came upon a very old, frail man sitting on a rug. She saw a river nearby and remembered her mother’s words.
“’Is this the great city of Liu-Chien-Shih?’ asked the youngest daughter, who did not know what a city was.
“’Yes,’ said the old man.
“’Is this the market of the great city?’ asked the youngest daughter, who did not know
what a market was.
“’Yes,’ said the old man.
“The youngest daughter was overjoyed. ‘I would like to work for you, great man of the
market!’ she said.
“The old man frowned. ‘I only take princesses to be my apprentices. Are you a princess?’
he asked.
“The youngest daughter did know what a princess was, but she decided it would be prudent to lie and say she was one. ‘Yes,’ she said.
“‘I do not believe you,’ said the old man, who had become angry. ‘If you are a princess,
where is your ruby ring?’
“The youngest daughter was frightened by the old man. She remembered the gold box
her mother had given her and hoped that it contained something to keep her out of danger. So she opened the box. And what do you think was inside?”
“Okay, this time it has to be the antidote,” I said.
“That’s what I thought, too,” said Miranda. “But no, it was a ruby ring, just like the one
the middle sister found. So the youngest daughter showed the ring to the old man, and he took
her on as his apprentice.
“He forced her to sweep the rug for 16 hours a day and fed her only occasionally. He did not like princesses because he had been spurned by one in his youth. The youngest daughter
lived out the rest of her days in misery on the rug at the side of the road. But that was okay
because she had been walking away from Liu-Chien-Shih the whole time.”
I thought Miranda was finished, and I was happy that this part of the story wasn’t funny so I wouldn’t be tempted to laugh. But after a momentary pause she spoke again.
“The eldest daughter woke up after fainting from the serpent’s bite. Because she drank from the water lily pool before she was bitten, the venom did not kill her. She saw that the serpent had slithered into her flask and died from drinking the water that smelled of dead fish.
She picked up her 40 gold coins, filled her flask with water from the pool and continued on her
journey until she reached Liu-Chien-Shih, where she bought a small palace with her 40 gold
coins and found work in the market near the river.
“After the thieves tied the middle daughter back up, they noticed her ruby ring and decided that she had to be a princess. So they untied her and cooked her a meal of rice and lamb
kebabs and took her to Liu-Chien-Shih, where she wed the prince and found happiness in the
royal court.
“One day the new princess of Liu-Chien-Shih went to the market near the river because her servants were all sick from eating poisoned rice. She saw her sister working at a fish stall.
“’Sister, sister!’ cried the middle daughter, princess of Liu-Chien-Shih. ‘I have finally
been reunited with you!’
“They embraced and the middle daughter brought her elder sister to her palace, where
she became an exalted member of the royal court. The two sisters lived out the rest of their days happily in the court of Liu-Chien-Shih, and only once spoke of their lost younger sister.
“’She was very clever,’ said the middle daughter, princess of Liu-Chien-Shih. ‘I’m sure
she found happiness.’”
“Is that the end?” I asked.
“Almost. There’s a little part that’s sort of different. Would you like to hear it?”
“I suppose I have to.”
“No, I could stop there.”
“No, please go on,” I said. I felt like I was walking through a whale’s throat.
“Okay. A few centuries later a man came down the road that the youngest daughter had been enslaved by the old man on. And he saw the dead youngest daughter’s ruby ring sticking
out of the sand. So he put it on and walked to Piandjikent, which was the great city of the age.
Liu-Chien-Shih was long destroyed. When he reached the city, everyone saw his ruby ring and
declared him the lost princess, and he lived out the rest of his days happily in the royal court.”
I tried not to laugh and succeeded. I felt like I was drifting through the void of space and my eyes were boiling.
“That was the end,” said Miranda, who looked stoic. “Are you laughing?”
“No,” I said.
“Good. If I were dating you, I wouldn’t be breaking up with you right now.”
I thought about using that remark as a springboard to invite her back to my dorm, but I knew if I fucked her I’d be thinking of that six-year old girl getting gangbanged by thieves the
whole time.
“Well, thanks for the story,” I said.
“Really?” she said. “Most people feel weird after I tell it to them.”
“I do feel weird. I feel horribly weird.”
“Good, that’s normal. So did Stanley and Dave and Ben and Todd and Stacey.”
“Stacey?”
“She used to be my best friend.”
“Oh.”
“Once we went swimming in a river near my house. This was in Sacramento. And I caught a frog and I kept it as a pet until it died. She didn’t like it. She said it smelled like dead
things.”
“Did it?”
“Sometimes.”
Today I didn’t have any classes after my 9 until 3, but I wanted to leave so I told Miranda
I had to go to anthropology.
“I’m happy to have met you,” she said.
“Likewise,” I said.
I left the Chocolate Salamander. It was still raining so I couldn’t see through the window very well. I went back to my dorm and took a nap. I’d been out way too late the night before, and the espresso wasn’t enough to wake me up.
I never saw Miranda again, but a few weeks later I saw a little girl sitting on the porch of
an apartment building. My first thought was that her parents made her sweep the floor all day
and that’s why she wasn’t in school. My second thought was wondering how many men had fucked her senseless, and how happy her innocent older sisters were with their friends and in
their classrooms. She had bright, clever eyes, and I wished that she’d been born a little less
precocious-looking.

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Spitting Image

by Renee Gauthier ’12

The first thing most people noticed about Amy Healey’s four-year-old daughter Kelsey was that she was a miniature version of her mother. She had Amy’s brown eyes, her dishwater-blonde hair, and just the right amount of age-appropriate chubbiness. She was, by all accounts, an adorable little girl, except for when she was in the throes of an occasional temper tantrum.
Unfortunately for all involved, now was one of those times.
“I don’t like that dress!” she screamed, wiggling and waving her arms as her mother tried to grab one of the dangerously flailing limbs and stuff it into the sleeve of the offending garment. “I don’t like it!!!”
“You liked it just fine when we picked it out,” Amy said impatiently. “Stop moving, Kelsey!”
Kelsey redoubled her efforts to wriggle free and began wailing, “No-no-no-no-no-nooooo!” Amy ignored her and yanked the sleeve further up her daughter’s arm before turning her attention to the other side of the outfit. She glared at a few nearby mothers who were casting
critical looks in her direction and caught Kelsey’s other hand, guiding it with some difficulty into the other sleeve. Her movements thus restricted, Kelsey let out a long, wordless wail and dissolved into tears, standing stock-still as her mother zippered her up the back.
“You’d think I was torturing you,” Amy said in what she hoped was a lighthearted voice,
mostly for the benefit of the holier-than-thou mothers still watching. “Don’t you like this dress? Isn’t it pretty?” She glanced over at the mothers and gave them an apologetic smile. “She’s always like this before a big one. It’s the nerves.” A couple of the mothers nodded in
understanding and turned away, but one or two let their gazes linger on disapprovingly. Amy tried to ignore them. It was always like this on the pageant circuit. Some mothers just couldn’t stand the fact that other women’s daughters were cuter or more talented or more poised. Amy prided herself on her own attitude. She never resorted to the nasty looks or the passive-aggressive comments that came so naturally to some of the other moms. Pageants were her own thing, hers and Kelsey’s, and all that mattered was Kelsey’s own performance. And Kelsey’s performances were always winners.
At home, Kelsey’s bedroom was filled with trophies that proclaimed her Little Miss This
or That. Her walls were hung with sashes and medals, and she had so many tiaras that almost all
of her dolls and stuffed animals wore at least one. Sometimes when Amy was returning some
misplaced toys to Kelsey’s room or putting some clean laundry in the dresser, she would just
stop and stare at the titles—Grand Supreme, Ultimate Grand Supreme, Junior Miss Elite, Queen
of Queens—and marvel at what she and Kelsey had been able to achieve together. It was unfortunate that pageants got such a bad rap, she would muse as she blew some dust off a trophy
and straightened a teddy bear’s lopsided crown. Kelsey was learning poise. She was developing
a skill. Not many kids got those kinds of opportunities so early on — Amy certainly hadn’t.
She found herself thinking along the same lines as she managed to get a subdued but still
sulking Kelsey into a chair to have her hair done and her make-up touched up. Kelsey would
have the world at her feet. She could be a model, an actress, maybe even Miss America. She
could win a scholarship to college, a good college, not a two-year commuter school like the one
Amy had attended, the one that lost its accreditation the same year that Kelsey was born. She
would have dozens —no, hundreds— of options.
It was hard to explain all of this to a six-year-old, so Amy didn’t try. Instead, she teased
Kelsey’s hair and some lighter blonde extensions into a glamorous-looking pouf, curled the ends, and hairsprayed the hell out of it while Kelsey shielded her face with her hands. She reapplied the makeup where the tear tracks from Kelsey’s tantrum had messed it up and brushed some bronzer on top. She successfully inserted the flipper teeth to hide the gaps where Kelsey’s baby teeth had fallen out. And finally, she managed to get colored contacts into Kelsey’s eyes. This of course resulted in another tantrum and more makeup-retouching, but by the end of the entire ordeal Kelsey looked picture perfect. The deep turquoise dress made the blue contact lenses pop, and Amy couldn’t help but feel satisfied that they’d decided to try the contacts—they really completed the look. She applied a dusting of glitter to Kelsey’s face, gave her two air kisses so as not to ruin the work of the last hour, and sent her off—tanned, blonde, and sparkly—to wait her turn in the wings.
When Amy took a seat in the audience a few minutes later, the woman next to her smiled
at her. “Which one’s yours?” she asked, jerking her head toward the stage, where all the
contestants were parading out in a wobbly line. Amy told her.
“I’d never’ve guessed,” the woman remarked politely. “She doesn’t look a bit like you.”
And under the stage lights, with makeup and blonde hair and blue eyes and perfect teeth and a pretty dress, she didn’t.

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Mackinac

by Katherine Kendig ’12

The road was made of dirt – an improvement over the last road, which had been made
primarily of potholes. The horse-drawn cart that I found myself in hadn’t liked potholes, jumping nervously every time it encountered one. As a result I was constantly toppling in whichever direction physics chose to propel me, forced to grab at the sides of the cart to keep upright.
The cart had once been nicer – I could tell by the upholstery on the seat and the paint
that remained on the outside of the box that it would once have been called a carriage, the sort newlyweds would spontaneously take to romantic dinners. But time and perhaps winters in the snow had been hard on its polished planks. The rough cracks buried splinters in my hands each
time I clutched the boards for stability.
Splinters hurt and all the sliding around was hell on my dress, but I didn’t comment to
the silent driver, hunched in front of me with the reins in one hand and an iPod in the other. It
seemed petty to complain.

When Marian first told me about growing up in Mackinac, I found it hard to believe that
she came from a tiny island in Michigan that didn’t allow cars. It sounded like the kind of place
Gulliver would come upon if he were traveling today, or the sort of destination a tornado might
drop Dorothy into: a cheery town of fudge-makers and carriage drivers, numbering less than
five hundred. It didn’t seem possible outside of Amish country, but Marian assured me it was
so and constantly urged me to come and visit. I never had the chance – Chicago wasn’t that far
away, but once I’d settled into a routine after college every suggested step off the path seemed
exhausting and unworkable.
Opportunities are spiteful, sometimes: they strut along, batting their eyelashes, hoping to
be taken. But when they’re passed up, they make it personal – they seek revenge. “You should
have visited Marian when she asked you to,” they whispered in my ear on the night I heard of her
death. “Now you have the time, don’t you? Now you can come.”
I did come. I’d driven up from Chicago the night before and taken the ferry to the island
that morning. From the boat Mackinac looked charming and self-contained: a tree-covered hill
hemmed at the bottom like a hoop skirt with lacy fudge shops and patio restaurants and other
tourist temptations. Higher up, partial glimpses of pink and white houses spangled the hillside.
The whole image was clean and surreal – a movie set.
The funeral notice had said that free transportation to the church would be provided at
the entrance to the park, but I had some time, so I checked into my bed and breakfast and walked
along Main Street. I wandered into Ye Olde Fudge Shoppe and almost bought some cherry fudge
as a souvenir, but as I stood in line I realized how tacky that was, and retreated. On my way out I
saw a black ribbon taped to the corner of the door, a bow with a little M on it, and wondered if all
the stores had them.

The park entrance had been easy to find, but the transportation less so. I’d stood
hesitantly in the middle of a walking path, looking left and right for I knew not what as knots of
people threaded past me on both sides, until finally I’d seen the driver on his cart waving at me
from the dark shade under a towering pine.
“Funeral?” he’d asked me when I’d made my way over.
“Yes,” I said, and didn’t know what else to add.
He offered to let me sit on the front bench with him – “It’s a bumpy ride in the back” –
but I declined, not wanting to deal with the awkwardness of small talk and close proximity with a
man I didn’t know.
“Bit worse for the wear,” he’d mumbled, handing me up into the back. “I was gonna
bring a blanket or something, but…” He shrugged, squinting at his horse. As soon as he’d settled
back into the cart he turned his iPod volume all the way up, and faced unceasingly forward.

As the cart tottered up the hill toward the church, its lurching distracted me less and less
from my apprehension. My mother always told me that when it comes to death, more is more:
how much worse to have an empty service than an over-full church. But after seeing the tiny
world Marian grew up in – she must have known everyone in it, I imagined, must have been
family to them all – I felt like an intruder for coming all this way, inserting myself into a grief
I had no real reason to share. How close were we, after all? We had been friends, good friends,
in college, but graduation trimmed the fat off my social circle. Anyone unnecessary to my life,
no matter how beloved, had gradually faded out of it; and Marian’s sweetness and humor and
support could, apparently, be found elsewhere. What a terrible thing to acknowledge.
All of a sudden the grating of the wheels and the chattering of birds and the damp,
pressing quiet of the trees around us made me feel like a fraud. I hadn’t even known Marian
was sick until I got the call that she’d passed; I didn’t know her family; we’d only spoken a
few times over the last several years. There was nothing I could provide the people who would
truly mourn her loss – who would feel that the sky hung lower without her, that the sun could no
longer warm them – except another bowed head in the pews and a $25 donation to the American
Cancer Society in Marian’s name. How selfish, really, to go to a funeral and worry about my
own place in it – but there it was. My black dress and appropriate earrings felt like a costume. I
was devastated that Marian was gone, but every time I thought about it I feared the emotion was
getting thinner, as if I were wearing it away with overuse: It’s so sad, I kept telling myself, and
tried not to make it sound like a reminder.
We finally crested the top of the hill and I could see the clustered mourners, a black-clad
mass in stark contrast to the white church around which they stood and beyond that, the lake – I
didn’t know which one – sparkling cobalt. My hands started to sweat and I clenched them into
fists, driving the slivers I’d acquired deeper into my skin with little cuts of pain. I’m here for
Marian, I thought, trying hard to swallow. I can do this for Marian.
The driver pulled to a stop near a line of mingling horses and much fancier carriages
and turned off his iPod. It was nearly two, which meant I was probably his last load, if he’d had
others; he helped me down and disappeared and it occurred to me that he might be attending the
funeral himself. He didn’t bother to tie the cart to anything – apparently the horse was a trusted
member of the community.
I smoothed the skirt of my dress with wet hands. The sweater I’d put on over it had
gotten snagged on little pieces of wood more times than I could count on the way up, but I didn’t
have it in me to inspect the damage. I didn’t suppose anyone would care.
As I walked toward the church under the slow ringing of the bells, I tried to think of
Marian stories to tell, so that when people came up to me after the service and asked, “Were you
a friend of hers?” I would have proof of our connection, something substantial to show them
that I too had lost something when Marian left the world. But Marian had never been the type of
person who made for easy anecdotes: she was steady. We’d spend weekends together during the
semester sometimes, watching movies and talking and ordering Chinese, and on Mondays I’d tell
people I’d had an amazing weekend but be hard-pressed to make them understand why.
There was at least one story I could tell – I’d told it a thousand times, because it was
quintessentially Marian and yet the only story of its kind. It was Marian catching the light, just
for a moment, and glowing with it.
I’d come over to her dorm room one night to find her comparing paint swatches of off-
white beige with her off-white beige walls.
“What do you think?” she said, showing me the two closest matches. “Whitewashed
Taupe or Summer Sheep?”
I squinted at the blocks of color. There was the faintest difference. “Summer Sheep,” I
pronounced. “Why?”
Marian nodded and stepped back. “I’m going to paint my walls,” she said.
I raised an eyebrow skeptically. “You’re going to paint your walls the color they already
are?” I asked.
She cocked her head at me, which was her way of saying I sounded judgmental. I
respectfully removed the skepticism from my face in response.
“I’m going to paint them all sorts of colors, and then I’m going to paint them Summer
Sheep.”
This time I wasn’t judging; I was just confused. “Why?” I asked again.
“Because I’ll always know the color’s underneath,” she said. “And because Home Depot
is having a sale on paint.”
So that was that. We spent an entire weekend painting her walls. There was no pattern to
it: she’d paint bright swathes of red and cover them with smiley faces, and I spattered the paint
on like Jackson Pollock and made all kinds of flowers because they were all I knew how to draw.
Friends would wander in, drag a brush across the wall a couple times and wander out again. On
one wall Marian painted six large purple elephants.
“They don’t all have trunks,” I commented.
“I know,” she said. “But it’s their ears that make them cute.”
The result was a madness of colors and shapes, as if a hundred Crayola commercials had
exploded. We’d all written our names, somewhere or other, and the date. It was beautiful, and
Marian stood in her doorway looking at it all and grinning like I’d never seen before.
Two days later the paint was fully dry and Marian opened up six cans of Summer Sheep.
I worked on an essay on her bed in the center of the room while she rolled over our cacophony of
doodles with neat W-shaped strokes. It took three coats to satisfy her that the evidence was well
and truly hidden. When she was done the room looked exactly like it had before – a little better,
actually, because the scuff marks on the walls were gone.
“Well,” she said, “that was fun.” She threw away the paintbrushes, and the next weekend
we watched a movie.
The service was beautiful but restrained. They talked about Marian’s strength and
stoicism, her calm presence, her loyalty. Marian’s mother stood up and said that Marian had
been as perfect and serene as the water surrounding Mackinac. It was odd, to hear a daughter
described like that.
After the service I stood outside the church with the tightness of tearstains around my
eyes. I stared at its pristine white siding and wondered if Marian had somehow left an invisible
mark under its gleam, something I could stumble on with a few hours and a paint scraper. Maybe
I hadn’t paid enough attention – maybe everywhere she went she slipped herself into the context.
I tried to picture her poking little pieces of Marian-ity into pillows and underneath drawer
linings, or writing in heavy-papered cookbooks with white ink. I wondered how we had fallen
out of touch, exactly. Who had emailed last? I hoped it was me. I hoped against hope that she
had never been lying sick in a hospital bed on the mainland, wondering idly if I would manage to
respond to her last overture of communication before she was gone, trying to work up the energy
to tell me she was sick.
“Were you a friend of hers?”
I blinked away the blinding whiteness of the church and turned to smile a yes at whoever
had asked, but it turned out to be Marian’s mother, and I couldn’t. My face froze, guilty to be
caught even attempting a smile on an occasion that must be hideous to the exhausted woman
standing next to me.
A flicker of recognition crossed her features as I turned to face her full on.
“Oh,” she said. “Allie. From school – I recognize you from her pictures.”
I nodded.
“I’m so—” I choked the words out, forcing them from lungs that had suddenly
constricted. “I’m so sorry. I wish there was…” I trailed off, unable to finish the thought. The
woman’s daughter was dead; what did it matter if I wished there was something I could do?
She put her hand on my shoulder. “Thank you for coming, Allie,” she said, and turned
away.
I almost stopped her. I wanted to tell her the story of Marian’s walls, and give her that
moment of brightness; I wanted to make it worthwhile that I had come. But I thought of Marian
painting those steady Ws over her riotous coloring, without even taking a picture of it first, and I
thought of the way her mother had described her, and I decided I couldn’t. Not here in the place
where she must have known everyone; where she had been known by everyone, as sweet and
stoic and stable Marian. If Marian wanted her mother to know, she already knew. And if not –
well, it was a useless sort of loyalty, but it felt right.
There was a meal, served at wooden folding tables behind the church. No one I knew
had come to the funeral, but a garden of large pale bouquets near the podium had conveyed the
condolences of other college friends. I sat at the most remote table and talked to a distant cousin
of Marian’s about Mackinac winters.
When everything was done I decided to walk back down the hill to my hotel because my
shoes were sensible and I wanted to do something Marian had done. I scuffed along the dirt road,
listening to the clopping of horses in the distance and the rustling of squirrels. The houses were
beautiful there, surrounded by tall, spindly trees or overlooking the lake in all its vast expanse;
but it felt lonely, and limited. I missed Chicago’s crowds.
Around the time when my knees began to hurt and the light started to get dimmer, I heard
the beat of a horse’s hooves pacing up behind me. I stepped to the side of the road to let it pass,
but it slowed next to me and stopped. I looked up in surprise – my iPod driver, who had in fact
been at the service. He’d sat near the front.
“It’s a long walk,” he said. “I’ll take you the rest of the way down, if you’re tired.”
I hesitated at the thought of climbing back into his tumble dryer of a horse cart, but as the
sun set my sense of a long way down grew more forbidding. I knew there had been turns on the
way up – I didn’t think I’d know which turns, in the dark.
“Thank you,” I said, and moved to clamber into the back. I hesitated with one foot on the
step.
“Actually, can I – would it be okay if I sat up with you this time?” I asked, wanting, after
all, some proximity to another human being. The driver nodded and shifted courteously to the
left, and I carefully pulled myself up and settled a comfortable eight inches away from him.
We drove in silence for a few minutes, both staring at the horse and the road, until I heard
him clicking down the volume on his iPod.
“You knew her from college?” he said, glancing at me.
“Yeah,” I said, looking down at my hands, absently tapping one set of fingers on the
other. “She was a really good friend of mine.”
He nodded. “I used to drive her home from school, when we were younger.”
“Oh,” I said. “Like a…” I trailed off, unable to think of an appropriate synonym for
carpool.
“We were neighbors,” he explained. “I was a couple years older, she was just getting into
high school when I graduated. But before that.”
I made an empty sound of understanding and tried to picture taking a buggy home from school.
“This is it, actually,” the driver said, patting the side of the cart. “The one I used to drive
her in. I have a newer one, that’s nicer, obviously, but… I wanted to drive this one today. You
know?” His voice was thinner, a little forced. He looked out to the left, away from me, and
cleared his throat.
I sat motionless, brought back into sadness and unsure what to do. I thought of putting a
hand on his shoulder, but I was too much of a coward. Instead I nodded, out of his line of vision,
and asked him what Marian was like as a kid – praying that that wasn’t a wrong thing to ask, a
thoughtless thing to mention.
He let out a breath that was half-laugh. “She was an angel,” he said, and I felt oddly
disappointed. Then he turned back toward me, smiling a little.
“To most people, anyway. With me she was a total nutcase. She’d, uh…” He broke off,
laughing a little and shaking his head. “She’d take my lunches and somehow sneak out the good
stuff and leave these crazy notes in their place, but she’d never admit to it. The notes would say
stuff like, you know, squirrels had stolen my cookies to feed their starving children, and I could
accuse her for 20 minutes straight – match her handwriting, you know, find the plastic wrap in
her backpack, have all the evidence – and she’d just sit there innocent as can be. I never once got
her to admit it.”
I laughed, but the laugh was painful. How familiar that sounded, now that I thought about
it, little tricks and jokes she’d played coming back to me. How much I wanted to go back to
those little bright moments that sequined the fabric of our friendship, and this time truly notice
them. I’d always thought of myself as the funny one, the creative one, the leader, and yet Marian
had possessed these more spirited attributes. Looking back, I felt a sourness like humiliation.
“I always thought of her as a little sister,” the driver continued, in a tone that made me
wonder if he remembered I was there. “Until she came back from college the first year and she
was so… but by then it was too late to…I was older, you know, done with college, working. I’d
just gotten married.” He tried to remove the significance from the last word, but it left behind a
significance-shaped hole, and hung in the air still speaking long after he’d stopped.
I’m sorry, I wanted to say, but didn’t. “She was good at hiding,” I said instead, mostly
thinking of my own regrets, trying to assuage my own guilt.
To my surprise he nodded. “She was great at it. I don’t think anyone ever saw all of her.
At least not all at once. You know?”
“Yeah,” I said. I did know.
I thought about telling a story, continuing the conversation; but I felt that my companion
had said what he’d needed to say – to me anyway, to a stranger who didn’t know him or his wife.
And I certainly wasn’t going to pile my regrets on top of his. I needed my own stranger, someone
who hadn’t known Marian. So I said nothing, leaning back against the worn wood of the cart.
The darkness had gotten fuller, but the horse had a headlamp, so the way ahead was clear.
Going downhill must have smoothed the motion, somehow, because the ride wasn’t nearly as
jolting as before. I closed my eyes and the cart rocked me, side to side, back and forth, to the
measured clopping of the horse and the distant shifting of the lake. After a moment, I heard the
driver click up his volume again.

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Word-Inflation

by  Rebecca Rothfeld ’14

‘None even come close, the words.’
‘Word-inflation,’ Stice says, rubbing at his crewcut so his forehead wrinkles and clears.

–David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

Ferdinand Pierce extinguished his mutilated cigar in the ashtray to his left and thumped his meaty fist against the table. Perversely intrigued by the spectacle of his hand’s initial contact with the tabletop and subsequent expansion into a fleshy pulp, board members fell silent.
“Gentlemen,” Ferdinand said.
His audience widened its eyes, which widening was the Universal Symbol of Attentiveness.
“I’ve called you together to avert immanent crisis,” continued Ferdinand, all in one breath. “You represent the brightest minds of the Communication Corporation™” (the tacit “TM” unarticulated but undeniably present) “and America’s only hope.” He placed his hands on his heavy stomach in a gesture of support. “As you gentlemen know, The Communication Corporation™” (ditto) “is without competitors in its sector, save for The United States Manufacturers of Brail, who, rather obviously, have a very limited customer base.”
His statement was met with eye-widening signifying agreement (signifying also recognition of the subtly derisive unspoken omission of the unspoken “TM” which, rightfully, belonged at the end of “The United States Manufacturers of Brail”—an unstated slight only a room of Communication Corporation™ specialists could detect).
“Well, gentlemen, we’re about to return to a state of communicative anarchy. To the time of interpretative chaos.”
The board members, well versed in the Corporation™’s history, knew that the two preferred modes of expression prior to the invention of Words©, patented by the Corporation™ in their most rudimentary form early in the 1950s and perfected by the 80s (though never completed, as that was a poor business model), had been 1) elaborate pantomime and 2) flag semaphore. The transition to Words© had been gradual and had faced resistance from semaphoric scholars, who claimed the translation of silent works into Words© was near impossible and who violently gesticulated something to this effect at a series of wordless hearings. Academia opposed the operation, conspicuously not-articulating complaints that the proposed system was capitalistic, homogenizing, and impersonal, that to mass-produce communication undermined its private character, robbing each utterance of its singularity. In a deliberately vocal press-release, the then young (and surprisingly thin) Ferdinand Pierce had delivered the compelling counterargument that the effect of myriad individual languages (the accepted and inevitable result of speech-by-semaphore, a notoriously hermeneutically challenging medium, and speech-by-elaborate-pantomime, an art long considered to be the same. Since, both events have been incorporated into the Olympics, in formal recognition of their difficulty) was universal misunderstanding. This simple argument secured the Corporation™’s virtual monopoly on communication. The board members nodded in acknowledgement of the above specificities, all of which were implicit in Ferdinand’s statement, present in the interstices between his Words© (something only a trained Communication™ professional could be expected to recognize. This, incidentally, was the reason Implications© had been such an unsuccessful product, lasting only a month on the market and incurring monumental net losses).
Satisfied that they had understood, Ferdinand proceeded. “Throughout the Corporation™’s history, we’ve never been faced with as severe an inflationary cycle. As you know, Words© were initially in such high demand that we could barely meet it. Of course, since then, we’ve managed to expand our production capacity substantially, and we’re able to donate Words© to charities at minimal cost to the company and at maximum benefit to our public image.”
The board members knew he was referring primarily to the Articles© and Prepositions© lines, which were staples in any basic vocabulary, and which the Corporation™ allowed the government to distribute in basic welfare packages, along with food stamps and health insurance, for a reduced fee. Annually, the Corporation™, motivated by some combination of philanthropic seasonal spirit and concern for appearances, gave away baskets of Words© in the Ye Olde English© and Vintage 70s Slang© lines—lines that were doing poorly in standard retail settings anyway (something which, the Corporation™ adamantly maintained, had nothing to do with their selection as the Words© in the yearly giveaway baskets).
“But, gentlemen, the entire American economy has become dependent on the Love© line, a line whose production, I’m afraid, we’ve disastrously bungled.”
The board members, accustomed to Ferdinand’s habit of stopping just short of his meaning, as waves stopped just short of mid-beach, had grown expert at the art of Ferdinand-interpretation, and were well-informed enough to supply for themselves those vital pieces of information which he neglected to mention or euphemistically passed over. This was a prime example of the latter tactic. The Corporation™, in a gross initial underestimation of Love Words© success, had manufactured a number incapable of meeting market demand. Indeed, tales from this time of scarcity persisted, and, allegedly, words like “love,” “dear,” and “adore” had acquired, in their rarity, such a staggering value that to possess them sent people into ecstasies. These stories, to the modern and well-stocked American, had the “when-I-was-your-age-I-walked-miles-to-school-in-the-snow” quality of fiction, and were not widely believed. It was historical fact, however, that Love Words© had once been remarkably expensive. The couples who’d been privileged enough to own Words© of such immense worth and such incredible meaning were so few that they were all well-documented, the most celebrated example being that of Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart, who won their set in an elite auction for the price of 20 million dollars (a sum worth more prior to subsequent inflation). There were rumours of imprudent couples who had sacrificed everything to purchase Love Words© and financially crippled themselves in the process. Reportedly, such couples were so enthralled with the new horizons of Communication™ opened to them that they hardly cared or remarked upon their living conditions. One such couple, the owners of a French edition of Love Words©, had been reduced to extreme poverty but had not even noticed until years later, when they found themselves suddenly destitute, which events reportedly forced them to deal in black market puns (an endeavor producing more financial difficulties in that it necessitated the further purchase of a Secondary Associations© set) in order to subsist. But, legend had it, even then, the couple was blissfully happy, steeped in incomparably valuable meaning, able to Communicate™ so fully that their entire frame of reference was shared. Love Words© were so rare, it was said, that each time one was spoken, it had the novelty of a word never-before-heard, a color never-before-seen, a pitch never-before-sung, and as such evoked indescribable sensations. Love Words© were startling each time they were repeated; they were forever unsettling, so strange and shocking that their owners never grew immune to their power. To own them was to learn them anew each time one spoke them, it was said, as to love was to fall in love with the object of adoration at each encounter [1]. This particularly popular account was generally considered to be the fabrication of the Corporation™’s wily advertising department, as such happenings appeared unrealistic to the point of unimaginability to jaded modern listeners, who were quick to point out that it was near impossible to ignore the indignity of operating a Punnery, even Paris’s first, in this era of directness and maximized efficiency.
Regardless.
The Communication Corporation™, upon realizing Love Words©’ profitable potential, launched an advertising campaign written by Pablo Neruda and entitled 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair, a initiative purported to be the most moving and effective in advertising history. Again, however, the Corporation™ issued too few sets, provoking consumer outrage. In a final attempt to correct their error, the Corporation™ had so excessively overcompensated that the market was practically flooded with Love Words©, now purchased for any and all occasions. The phrase “I love you [2]” quickly replaced “thank you” as the country’s most common phrase. It became a response to almost anything, from the provision of information regarding weather conditions to the loan of a pencil. The preponderance of love served to quickly devalue Love Words©. In a touching and ironic return to the favoured speech patterns of the Silent Time, the romantic few relied on symbols—flowers, chocolates, and the like.
The board members knew all this. Some widened their eyes; others nodded.
“The Corporation™ won’t go under,” Ferdinand said, slapping the table heartily. “We’ve got lines whose obscurity renders them inflation-proof. The Literary Language© line, for one, is absolutely unsusceptible. Rare editions of the Philosophical Terms© line are priced at around a billion dollars. They’ve maintained their value and appeal. Gentlemen, I am not concerned for the company. No, I am concerned for America, for its integrity, for its ongoing economic and expressive crisis. And so, gentlemen, I turn to you to save the Love Line©, which, I will add parenthetically (is not our sole source of revenue but was, until this latest inflationary cycle, extremely lucrative). Gentlemen?”
The question hung in the air.

Silence. The board could not find words radical enough for their thoughts.

————————————————————————————————————————————-
1 Love©, Fall in Love©, and Object of Adoration© are the exclusive property of The Communication Corporation™.
2 Also the exclusive property of The Communication Corporation™–increasingly unenviably, much to the Corporation™’s dismay.

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The Undead

by  Billy Zou ’12

            
Though I know that evenin’s empire has returned into sand
Vanished from my hand
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping
My weariness amazes me, I’m branded on my feet
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street’s too dead for dreaming
-Bob Dylan
A hushed stillness befalls Webster Avenue on Wednesday evenings when the rooms and basements of the houses close temporarily to outsiders to accommodate weekly meetings. Prior to ten o’clock small crowds of young men and women fill up the sidewalks, some by themselves but most in groups, a few dressed in formalwear or others in taut, garish flair, breathing in the languid night air as they sift through the avenue into their respective houses.
On such a night Matthew, a new brother at his house, is standing by the door. Someone would knock – two short raps repeated three times with pauses in between ― and he would open it. Sometimes the brothers yell: ―Open the door pledge! But his job is to not open the door unless they knocked the right way.
―Hey man, what’s up Danny, hey Chris, Jake, Alex, Pluto, how’s it going. Presently he lets in a big group and they ruffle his hair and bump fists on the way in.
―Come on Mike, it’s cold outside.
―Actually I’m Matt, but that’s okay.
Matt recognizes Robert, the president, black, broad-shouldered, and elegant. Jeremy comes in with him and they exchange greetings with Matt.
―Let’s go up. I think we’re the last ones.
In the upstairs room thirty or so are gathered, some lounging on the couches and others standing and talking. Around the room at one end there’s a widescreen TV, the circle of couches with tables in the middle, a refrigerator and bar at the other end topped with red beer cups and handles of liquor. Along the walls there are bookshelves and cabinets encasing plaques and trophies. Old posters and news clippings have been coated into the walls to avoid fire regulations. From the ceiling hangs a small chandelier.
Robert, the president, stands up on a table and pulls a name out of a hat. ―Pluto!
Pluto whose real name everyone seems to forget replaces Robert on top of the table. He’s holding two cups in his hands and a circle of beers are placed at his feet.
―It’s been a pretty crazy week, uh… He drinks one of the cups. ―Let’s see, I found out that my little sister is coming to Dartmouth, so that’s pretty cool. Cheers from the room. ―Hey, watch it. He chugs the other one.
―That’s all. He climbs back down but knocks over one of the cups on the table. A pledge comes over and cleans up the beer with a roll of paper towels.
―Matt, come here. This is Jeremy, one of the greatest guys I know.
―I think we’ve met. They shake hands. ―I hear you like to play squash.
―Matt, we need two more beers.
―I’m Mike. He’s Matt, says Mike, pointing.
―Pledges don’t have names.
Robert stands up and draws another name. ―Peter Jacobs.
―He’s not here.
―Where is PJ? I thought I saw him earlier.
―I think he’s at K_ pre-tails.
Robert resigns to his absence and shuffles the papers around. ―Jeremy, he grins, pointing to his friend who is standing across the room.
Jeremy finishes the beer in his hand and gets up onto the table. He deliberates, then shrugs. ―Emma and I broke up, so there’s that. He grabs a cup from his feet and knocks it back casually. The room seems to quiet down. He puts it down then gets a couple more.
―I’ve been working a lot with my ENGS group on our project. He chugs the one in his left hand, that’s two. ―We’re trying to build an automated ladder…Three. ―To help firefighters get up and down as quickly as possible. Four. ―The thing is it’s harder than it sounds because… five…though the mechanism is well established…six…
―What happened with your girl, Jerm?
Jeremy pauses, and no one is talking. ―I don’t know, he shrugs. ―We’re both pretty busy. Maybe she’s found someone more extraordinary.
―It’s been what, two years?
―Sounds like a bitch dude! Someone shouts.
―Shut up, says Pluto. ―He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Jeremy goes on. ―I talked to Kathy about our UFC funding the other day. Seven. He stumbles and hurls and someone brings over a trash can. They help him down from the table.
―I have an idea, says Robert. ―Why don’t we move tails to another night. I think it’d be cool to do something with just the guys.
―Zombies, someone suggests.
―Zombies! And everyone is shouting at once.
―Want to play, Jeremy?
―What’s Zombies? Someone whispers.
―Pledgucators?
Someone steps up onto the table. ―For those who are ignorant, Zombies is one of the beloved traditions in the house. The rules are simple. First, all the lights in the house are turned off. Two people start out being zombies, making known their identity as such by repeating ―Braaains! once every ten seconds at minimum, and may only move stiffly at a moderate pace. Everyone else is a hapless human, and thus will run, hide or do anything they must to stay alive. Anywhere in the house is game. However two humans will be armed with squirt guns with which to defend themselves. Depending on the rules, a zombie who is hit by water must remain paralyzed for ten seconds or is converted back into a human. However if a human gets tagged by a zombie, he is turned into a zombie. Any questions?
―Also bathrooms are out of bounds!
The count begins and bodies are scrambling up and down the stairs, into crawlspaces, behind shelves and curtains, under tables and counters. When they used to play sometimes the brothers would invite their girlfriends over, and the girls would be delighted by the initiation even though the game was ostensibly juvenile and unromantic. When the games started they would go off in pairs, hiding in the dark corners of the house, where the thrill of being discovered was compounded by pitch blackness and the moans of the undead, and the games rarely ended with a winner.
Jeremy wanders down by the pool room where once all the couches and chairs had been stacked impenetrably on top of and against the oak pool table for the summer. He sees shadows moving inside but he stands by the doorway briefly, his eyes still adjusting to the darkness.
They had climbed in and made an alcove out of two couches propped up against the chairs and the pool table. She’d pressed him to the floor, leaning down and her hair washing over his face, whispered things in his ear he didn’t think a girl like Emma knew to whisper. And she told him that she loved him, and she told him that he was the best person that she’d ever known.
No one came to look for them and they lay there and talked, one half of their faces dappled in shadows and the moonlight that came in through the window.
―These things you tell me about, you should talk to Robert or the other execs. Maybe they turn a blind eye and ignore that there’s a darker side to all of this. But they’d respect what you have to say. There’s more to it, too―you can do a great thing for this school. You, nobody else.
―I don’t know, everybody has their opinions.
―You can’t save anyone if you’re so afraid of hurting anyone.
―How about when I saved that girl from hypothermia.
She smiled. ―Well you got me wet. And she’d kissed him then, but as time passed it must have become apparent to her that he would never do the great thing she wanted him to, whatever it might have been, nor perhaps any great thing at all.
Someone runs down past him from above, and he hears the voice of zombie Robert coming down the hall. He goes up the stairs, and stopping at the landing between the second and third floors he notices the window over the roof and quickly he opens it, climbs out and shuts it behind him.
The brisk night air soothes his nerves and he walks out close to the edge of the tiled roof which slants southward to the street. When he visited his brother who had also been a member of the house there had been a roof deck where the third story is now, and he remembers watching hazily the murky, mercurial world below unfold from such a distance, the precession of wraithlike figures, as if held captive by some Jungian unconscious, callous and feral. Emma had said: ―It’s like the sun goes down and everybody loses their minds.
But then there was the energy, the overlapping beats of the music flowing out onto the avenue, the collective pulse of the weekend crowds. The seductive heat of summer. The supple, aloof bodies and tinkling of laughter.
The stars aren’t out yet and there are not many people out and about. Across the street is Kappa_ and all the lights in the house are on, and he remembers that there is a tails event or something similar. She lives in the house but her room is on the other side; most of the windows are covered and he can only make out silhouettes.
His eyes drift away from the house and he notices two people walking off the sidewalk from one of the houses up the street, talking loud and brusquely. One of them wears a Dartmouth sweatshirt and the other an athletic jacket and baseball cap. They spot him on the roof and one points him out to the other, pausing short of the house they turn toward him and casually shout: ―Jump!
―Jump! ―What are you waiting for?
He imagines they are just walking by so he ignores it. But they’ve stopped now before the lawn and don’t seem intent on going.
―Jump! One calls to him, snickering. ―Come on, let’s see it.
Jeremy smiles. ―You guys want a beer? Or maybe you’re looking for a fight.
―Hard guy.
―Watch out, he’s going to karate kick you from the roof. ―I bet he could do it.
―Well come on, stop wasting time.
Silence.
―Jump, motherfucker.
Someone inside the house sees him through the window. ―Look, someone’s on the roof. Braaaains. It’s Matt.
―Braaains! Hey, is that Jeremy? Robert comes over to see.
―Is it legal to be outside on the roof like that?
Robert taps on the window. ―Hey Jerm, you probably shouldn’t be on the roof. Then he hears the shouting from the street and slowly his dark, jovial face turns menacing.
He opens the window. ―Hey you idiots! Robert roars. ―It’s Wednesday, we’re playing a game, so fuck off.
―Yeah fuck you! The kid beside him chimes in.
They chuckle. ―I love the kind of games where someone jumps off a roof. ―What are you waiting for? They single him out. ―Afraid you’ll twist your ankle?
Matt pulls out his squirt gun and tries to hit them with the jets of water.
//
Claire wades through the room with a half-empty wineglass and finds Emma by the bar with Will. ―Hey Em, you should probably see this.
―What’s up? She asks, but Claire’s expression is serious. The three of them make their way back through the crowd toward the French windows leading to the balcony.
They step out onto the balcony with its white balusters, and look out across the street.
―Can you see who it is? asks Will.
Emma can see, and she feels the panic well up inside of her. Her senses sharpen and the alcohol drain from her head. She feels her heart race, the air press up against her lungs.
―¬You guys should go back inside.
Claire nods. ―Should I call S&S?
Emma thinks. ―No, don’t. Her eyes trace out the scene. She can hear the two boys shouting from the street and Robert’s roaring voice from the open second-story window.
―Dude you can’t get on the roof and then not jump. What kind of shit is that.
―You need to fuck off right now.
Claire puts her hand on Will’s shoulder. ―Come on.
―I’ll wait for Emma. Shouldn’t we call S&S?
―She’ll be right in. Claire brings him inside and whispers something but they stand and watch by the window.
Emma inhales sharply. ―Hey. But her voice dissolves thinly into the commotion. ―Hey! Now they turn their heads to see.
―What’s your name? She calls to them on the street. They turn away to ignore her, but this incenses her more. ―Hey! I asked you a question. What’s your name? I’m talking to you. My name’s Emma, what’s yours?
Jeremy sees her now. She’s wearing a yellow dress like the one she wore with him to Lake Champlain. There had been a formal on a boat out on the lake and music and dancing and there’d been a girl who had drank too much and fallen overboard, and he’d jumped in and pulled her out of the water while her date stood there and watched. It makes him dizzy to think about it now. His knees felt weak and he imagines momentarily the sensation of falling, the soft loamy impact of earth against his skull.
The boy in the sweatshirt whispers something to his friend. He pulls the hood over his head, his voice lackluster now and humorless. ―We’re not leaving until you jump, so you might as well get it over with.
Emma knew she had them. ―Hey I know who you are! She’s talking to their backs. ―You work in the President’s office. Your name’s Colin and his is Parker. You, you’re one of the Tucker chairs, aren’t you? I think we took a skiing class together one time.
―What the fuck? They try to laugh it off. ―Who is this girl? Do you know her?
―Let’s go, I don’t want anything to do with this.
―He’s not going to do it, let’s go.
One of them shouts back to her. ―Hey, I don’t who you’re talking about. They walk off slowly toward the library, their forms folding into the shadows, join once more the lurching, faceless figures of night.
Emma exhales. ― Jeremy you idiot, get off the roof. Go inside, you’re drunk.
―We were playing zombies. He smiles.
They stand there for a minute, her on the balcony and him on the roof. Emma with her hands curled up against the railing, Jeremy with his hands in his pockets, shoulders leaned back like he’s out observing the stars, their breath fogging up the air between their faces, and it’s not very far across from one side of Webster to the other or it’s true that the houses change their places because on some nights it seems that it’s an eternity escaping from the stale, musty underground to the comfort of the Choates and other nights it’s hardly a walk and yet others they all melt together indistinguishably…
―Rob help get him back inside, can’t you see he can’t stand straight. He’s going to slip and fall, he’s going to get arrested.
Robert steps through the window and grabs hold of Jeremy’s shoulder. ―Hey, come on. Hey Jerm. Let’s find some people with brains.
Jeremy pauses, his back turned to the people watching from the house, then smiling he reaches out toward her into the night with his limp, undead arms, and Emma looks at him, and she holds up her hands locked into the shape of a gun, and fires a single shot through the dark, impalpable stillness of Webster Avenue.

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