The Whalers

Of course I remember the beginning.  Foolish question. Who could forget the headlines? “Leviathan devastates Manhattan harbor”. “Millions in shipping lost to mysterious creatures”.  And my favorite, “Scientists Mystified”. 1872 made the fortunes of newsmen and half-wit prophets everywhere.

That was the year that the sea crawled forth to prey on humanity, the year that London convulsed and Manhattan fell to rubble. The year of the beasts. The Rising Days. The End Times. You won’t remember, but I’ll wager no one will ever let you forget.

 

Of course there was panic. Riots, cults, madness. Army put a stop to that pretty quick. The sea was a bigger problem. Ports shut down, ships rotted in drydock. And everywhere, there were whispers of madness, madness of the body and soul. For the first time in long centuries, men learned to fear the sea.

 

Not us. We’d gazed into its depths, into the maddened eyes of dying leviathans and  murderous hurricanes. We’d seen the worst the sea had to offer.  And we’d been disappointed.

So when the call went out for volunteers, iron men for the wooden ships that would prowl the coasts for even deadlier prey, we answered. We men of the tall masts and low hulls. We whalers. We fools.

 

I started when I was young, on a foul and clumsy tub out of a port whose name I’ve quite forgotten. But I remember the ship, the stink of the below-decks, the wind-sheared peak of the mast, the creaking sides that seemed wroth to let you sleep. Back then, I thought the smell and the cold and the noise were the worst the sea had.

The first hunt had showed me different. There was blood, and terrible noise, a clash of men and ship and beast. But we always brought back the oil, and we always drank to those we lost. It wasn’t so bad, those old days.

But the whales dried up, the fields started bleeding burning-black, and we were pushed aside. Plenty of us moved up to the Banks, or down to the Gulf, but none of us never forgot the open sea, and the wrath of its children. They’d made us men.

 

So there I was, twenty years older and a good deal rougher. But my clothes were just as soiled, and my eyes were just as bright, as they’d been two decades before. I stood on the dockside and smelt the sea, just like before. My knees were weaker, my skin rougher. But the sea! The sea was just as dark, just as vast and unknowable. The ship just as round and tubbish. The wind stung the same. And once again, there were monsters in the deep. Once more, there was a hunt on.

I didn’t know any of the crew, but they were all familiar. Scarred faces, rough faces. Hard hands and bright eyes. Sea faces.

I’d heard there’s something about the beasts—the new ones—that gets inside a man’s mind. Soldiers, sailors, men of faith and science too, all get jumpy. Itchy. Nervous. They start to twist up inside, knowing what’s down there. Navy had a run of suicides, after Brooklyn. But not us whalers. Or at least it works softer on us. Maybe it’s the sea, maybe it’s the fear. We’re used to that. As for the rest…well, you’ll see.

 

The captain was a navy man, but we didn’t care about that. He was a hard and rugged man, scarred and loved by the sea. That didn’t matter much: weren’t we all? But he’d been at New York, and that meant something. He’d seen the Beast of Manhattan, watched it make blackened splinters of a harbor. He didn’t talk about it, but we all saw the sharpness in his eyes. He was a hunter, like us. We liked that.

 

Our first week out of port, we followed the coast up towards the Banks. That was where the navy had last spotted one of the things. It was a cold fall that year, and it grew colder as we sailed north.The wind cut my hands, and on night watches my eyebrows frosted to my face. But I felt young again. I was alive, and at sea. On the hunt.

 

We hit the Banks in the second week. It was too quiet for the late season. Usually it was choked with boats and nets and men. Not this year. We put into a tiny little harbor, brought on fresh stores, milked the locals for information. Another ship had come by not long ago, and headed straight out to sea.

 

We sighted them on the third day out. A slender vessel, it had probably been a fast freighter before the rising. But it didn’t respond to our colors or answer our signals. As we pulled alongside—an easy task, for it was drifting lazily—we saw no one at all.

 

The captain asked for volunteers to board it. I went. Figured I might as well face down whatever we were after. In for a penny, in for a pound.

The deck was empty. There was no sign of violence, no broken rails or tattered sails. The rigging swayed gently in the wind, abandoned but intact. The hatch was sealed, though. The captain had us bring up sledges and break the thing down. Took us near ten minutes. Finally, we hacked through the wood, and pried away the iron bars that’d been jammed in place to keep it sealed.

Right away we smelled it. A rank moistness welled up, wave after wave of soft warmth and terrible stink. There was burning wax and rotting flesh in that, as well as sweet perfume and strange spices. I staggered back, alongside most of the rest. But the captain hurled himself down the hatch, and the doctor followed after, clutching that bag of his. After a moment or two, the captain called us down.

 

It was something out of a nightmare. Everywhere was the refuse of madness and death. I don’t want to describe it. It still hurts, the sight. But you should know what we’re facing. What you’ll face. There were…pieces. Remnants. You couldn’t take in the whole scene, you could only grasp at bare fragments, and those were enough to make to wish you could look away. How many? Were there women and children too? How long did it take for them to die? How many joined in, and how many were forced by the hands of those they’d trusted? A man’s imagination went wild, and you felt as though you were glimpsing through a peephole at the most terrible perversion in history, caught in momentary flashes that spurred the mind and evoked the senses until you felt complicit simply by being there.

 

 

Each of us, as we glimpsed this on the way down, scrambled back. Each of us, to a man, vomited onto the defiled floor. More than one—I’ll not say who for their sake—collapsed as if struck. Only the captain stayed firm, and the doctor merely wavered from side to side, eyes still gleaming bright.

Once a few of us had regained control of ourselves, we immediately set about searching the ship for survivors. The captain had us go in pairs, and together—it was me and an Irish fellow—we crept down the ochre-smeared hallways. It was impossible to avoid the stuff that caked the floor, it inevitably clutched to your boots and gloves, and even the makeshift sloth masks we pulled over our faces became smeared with brown and tan and red. No one left that bore some mark of the experience. And the smell never truly left your mind.

It’s terrible what happened. I should have been more watchful. I suppose we were all too horrified by our surroundings to really pay attention like we should have. Out of all the loss, this one might have been avoided. But no. The Irishman was ahead of me, trying vainly to avoid the walls and step as lightly as possible across the stained floor. He never saw it coming.

It struck him from the side, a blur of flesh wrapped in a bestial scream. I flung myself back, scrambled against the slippery floorboards, shouted for help. The poor fellow was slammed against the wall, thrown down, and the thing came at me.

A shot broke the confusion. The thing slumped to the floor, clawed at the boards. The captain stepped over me, pistol trained on the body. He fired again. Then again. It twitched once, then lay still.  An acrid sting trickled through the musk.

The captain stepped over it and moved on. I lay for a long minute, then picked myself up to look at the thing. It was a man, but a man in the same way that a broken, fossilized stump resembles a live tree, a lightning-blasted human waxwork. Had he heard our voices and footfalls, and lain in wait? Or was he simply mad with rage? Or fear? I hope he found some peace.

 

The doctor came along soon after. He swept over the body, set down his case and brought out his little tools. He poked and swabbed and pried. His eyes never stopped moving, and he whispered under his breath as I watched.

 

When I stepped back on deck, interminable ages later, the sweet sea air cleared the horror from my nostrils.  The smell, the damp, the creeping guilt, all swept away. Only the memory remained, and, well, you see how it has clung to my mind. Perhaps that’s best. You have to know.

 

We torched the ship, remains and all. Its masts went up like tallow candles, its hull flamed and smoldered like a furnace. Wood and bodies burned alike. A few of us muttered a prayer or two, but none of us looked back. Except the captain. He stood on the stern and watched it drift away into the distance. Only when it passed from view did he come down, and set us to sharpening the harpoons.

 

A day later, a lookout spotted the wide, trailing wake that was the creatures’ scar on the world. It was like the path of the great ship, but stretched to the horizon, a vast swath of disturbed water. We knew, then, that we were closing in. We followed after it. The captain had us switch lookouts every hour, and kept as many as possible below deck.

The sound—keening, some of the men called it—started after the third day. First it was an occasional thing, like hum that throbbed through the sounds of the sea and sky and ship. It was an unnatural thing, like a voice in a dream, but it refused to fade in the sunlight. As we sailed on, as the wake narrowed and we came ever closer, it grew to a constant and inescapable sensation. It saturated the air, it bled from the hull and crept into our waking daydreams. It was not a sound, exactly. It was more akin to a fever, the way it clung to the mind and weighed on your senses. None of the doctor’s instruments could measure any sort of atmospheric disturbance, and when he interrogated the men, no one described it quite the same. To some, it was a dull ache around the ears, to others a biting pain in the temples. Sometimes it was just whispers. But no one escaped it.

Most of us resolved to grit ourselves and carry on. It wasn’t so different from the wind, or the cold, after all. We could deal with that. Why not this? Hadn’t we always complained about the ship’s creaking, joked about what it might be saying? We could endure this new thing. It wasn’t so different.

Not everyone managed so well. Four days in, when the keening had been constant for a day or two, we found one of the younger men in the hold. He’d taken a knife and was etching the floor. His right arm was covered in blood—I’m told the ones who found him didn’t quite believe it at first—and he was using it like an inkwell.  The bent and twisting lines were interspersed with beads of blood, and stretched all across the floor and up to the walls. He’d been there for hours, pale and shivering, but grinning wide, enraptured by his work. He didn’t even look up when they called his name.

It took four of us to wrest the blade out of his hands and tie him down. The captain came along after, grinding his boots contemptuously on the bloody diagrams. Soon after came the doctor, who stepped around, taking care not to disturb them. After a few minutes of examining the bound man, who struggled and thrashed terribly all along, the doctor wound up his arm in a bandage and stood up. Yet his eyes drew downward and traced the swirling red inscriptions. He stooped, hand swept an inch from the savaged boards.

“Music”, he whispered.

 

After the incident, the captain ordered regular searches of the ship. The low beams and curving walls had been familiar to me, but now I walked through the oil-lit dark with a tender step. Every corner could hide a crewmate gone mad, every crevice could play host to dark thoughts and darker deeds. The older ones, whom I begrudgingly found myself included in, we trusted each other. It wasn’t so different from cabin fever, we supposed. But the younger ones, they got jumpy. They travelled in pairs, or threes below deck, and talked in low voices. The ship went quiet, and the keening only grew louder, deeper, more pervasive and ever more inescapable. Keeping quiet only reminded us that silence was a luxury we left behind on shore.

 

Two days later, we found another one. Another greenhorn, from New York City, I recall. He’d joined up after Brooklyn. He’d been full of rage against the beasts, and talked loudly and often about skewering and butchering as many as he could. We found him hacking at the hull with a hatchet. He hurt two men who tried to tackle him. Finally someone got him with a board. He went down hurling curses and tears. We kept him tied up beside the first, in a makeshift brig of wooden boards across a crevice. Usually, he would scream, seemingly in terrible pain, at least once or twice a night. It put everyone on edge, and the dark quiet hours were tense, waiting, dreading.  No one slept much.

 

A day after that, another one. I knew him better then the first two, a tall Swede, quiet and inoffensive to all. He’d been a great reader, I recall. I’d never appreciated it before, but there’d been a great comfort in his tall, sturdy frame curled around one of his books, while the rest of the men swore and drank and yelled. He was trying to light the ship on fire with a great pile of torn pages and a cask of oil. After, he spent the hours muttering to himself in strange languages that shifted and twisted and wore their way into the mind.

There were a few more out of our crew of a scarce few dozen. One simply disappeared, until we found him days later, crammed into an empty barrel. He’d wedged himself in and waited for the end. Died of thirst.

Another hung himself from the mast in the night. We found him swinging there in the morning. The captain cut him down himself.

We held a small ceremony for each, with the whole crew in attendance. I think we were mostly happy to have them gone. It cleared the mind, somewhat, considering the dead. It was the live ones, the mad ones with their mutterings and capricious cries in the night, that preyed on our imaginations. We kept them locked up tight, but I think they did more damage crammed away together, then if we’d just let them do themselves in. A suicide is a dark thing, no doubt, but it fades. Their voices were a constant reminder of what we were chasing, what we were risking. Not all of them were young and inexperienced.

 

The wake narrowed. The keen rose. Finally, we spotted the beast.

It was the early dim of the morning twilight. The sea is grey at that hour, and the sky is ash-blue. The sun is an orange smear on the horizon. It was just the same that morning. The the call came down into the lower decks, perked every ear and set hearts racing.

We all scrambled up onto the deck. The captain was there—I never recalled him to sleep for a full watch—seized to the side, staring with ferocious intensity forward, into the wake, a thousand foot path that ran to the horizon. He stretched out a hand, clawed the air, as if he could wrench the beast from the depths by his will alone. Fate, it seems, indulged him.

There was a churning in the sea, ringed with clouds of spray and mist that shimmered in the morning grey-glow. Yet it did not sparkle, or shine, like it usually does. Instead, there was a dim and clammy curtain hung across the lightening horizon. Even several miles distant it cast a pall on every face and burdened every heart.

The churning and boiling split away, and we glimpsed—or thought we glimpsed—pieces of the deep thing. It was no rounded whole, like the smooth bulk of a whale, but a divided and fragmented tangle. It might have been a swarm of several dissimilar creatures, biting, clawing, intertwining and struggling to against each other. But the thing moved as a whole, even as it fractured the sea around it. When the water settled behind its movement, it never quite seemed to smooth out again, as if the beast released some secret oil that disturbed the water. Perhaps the world was simply loath to join together what it had torn asunder.

All of us stared into the distance, marveled at the size and ferocity of the thing beneath the waves. But our reverie was broken by the captain’s shout. Barreling about, he hurled orders and stung us all to action. Sails were tightened, lines drawn taut on the great drums. The wind at our side, the air hanging cool and damp on every surface, the beast’s silent keen ringing like a chorus in our ears, we gave chase.

 

It wasn’t so different, I supposed, from the old days. The captain cried out orders, and the rest of us attended to the small tasks of sailing which, though insignificant to the untrained eye—a line tightened a few feet, a sail loosened by a fraction—nonetheless comprise the great bulk of seamanship. We readied harpoons on the deck and cleared the deck of every unnecessary obstacle. We prepared our longboats, hung on clammy ropes from creaking frames. But mostly, we waited, and muttered to ourselves that it was just the same, just the same as ever. Just like the old days.

But the ship was driving straighter then any whaler. And the prongs that we carried with delicate tenderness from the dry, padded holds were supplemented with explosive charges. We aimed not to catch, or to kill, but to destroy. And none of us had ever chased something so huge, so strange, so fascinating. It was like my first chase again, new and terrifying and glorious.

 

As we came up, mile by mile towards the creature, it gave no sign that it noticed us. A whale might have been wary of a ship and  its longboats, but the churning, foaming focus of our attention wandered on, plowing its long arrow-straight wake through the ocean. I suppose the thing and its race didn’t fear tall ships or scrambling men. Whether that can change…well, we’ll see.

 

Soon we were within a half mile, and we prepared to launch. Waiting burst into movement, and the oppression of inaction shattered into a fevered rush to the boats. Harpoons were loaded, boats were lowered, lines cast off. Once each had drifted safely away from the ship, arms strained and oars beat the water. Heaving in the swell, straining with muscle and wood against the sea’s grip, they swept forward.

 

I stayed on the ship, too old for the boats, I suppose. I think I would have pulled my weight, but I didn’t envy the younger men, hauling through the surf, soaked with  sweat and spray. Like daggers they flew across the sea.

I wasn’t surprised, when they fallowed or snapped or capsized , sending screams drifting across the waves to us. I tried to grit them out, but you couldn’t, no more then you could ignore the beast’s insistent, rising keen. You accepted it. But still, I had hoped the young ones would do better.

Oh, we all let our spirits rise a bit, when the great Crack! of a charge split the air, blasting spouts of water and flesh. But too often it was men’s flesh, and too often it was just water. And each time, the creature just redoubled its ferocity, crushing the crew under folds of unseen muscles or tossing them aside with wave-cloaked bulk. One by one, our boats sank or splintered or fell, and the beast came on.

It was angry now, if it could contain such a petty human thing as anger. It thrashed and beat and boiled the oceans in every direction, first this way, then the other. Perhaps it was uncertain where its attackers’ lay. Perhaps it was truly enraged. Soon there were no boats left, nor men. Just drowning screams, splinters and corpses.

But the captain—his eyes boiling, his voice burning with fury—he drove us on. .He seized the wheel himself, and heaved it to one side, sent us straight on towards the roiling maelstrom.

There were no sails to be set, no lines to be pulled. Those of us who retained our wits—for the keening was clawing at our ears with a sound like daggers, and it was all we could do to stop from being torn from  our senses—we clung to the deck and prayed. A few broke, then. One fellow began singing, singing as he staggered toward the side. It was a cool and wistful song, and he seemed perfectly calm as he ran to hurl himself overboard. But his eyes were mad as he wrenched out of our grasp and into the waves. I suspect there was more like that, but we never found them. Couldn’t bear the thought of sailing straight at the thing, I think. Couldn’t stand the madness, I suspect. I can’t blame them. Me, I just clung and hoped. Maybe I was already mad. Maybe the depths already had me. I let the chaos carry me, like a breaking wave, towards the deepening sea.

We struck with a terrible blow that sent every man hurling from their place of refuge. Not everyone managed to keep ahold of the ship. The lucky ones were knocked into oblivion. The unfortunates fell screaming into the lashing, wretched grip of the sea.

For a moment, it rose, as if to chastise us for our arrogance, and we saw the thing for what it was.

I don’t want to describe it. I don’t want to. I don’t know if I can.

But I have to try. You have to know.

It wasn’t all of a single quality. There were mouths within mouths within mouths, and eyes filled with roiling, lashing worms. There were fleshy arms, great clumps that coiled and beat the ocean into foam, scaly fins with long, wicked tendrils, and part of what might have been a shell. But even when a piece stayed in view long enough for the mind to form an impression, a second glance might reveal new terrors. Scales were instead chaotic, molted hide, hairs seemed to distend into long, bristling needles that swayed in the spray. Colors would to melt and shift, first midnight-black, then ash grey, an iridescent sheen then a dull monotone. Maybe it was all those things at once, or none of them. I think each of us, moment to moment, tried in vain to pin it to a shape.  Anything you’ve heard, any description, that’s just a man’s way of putting a form to his fears. That’s all it was, really, fear. It was a nightmare without any hope of waking. It was a knife twisted into the world, a gaping wound in the order of things. It was death.

But all tides go out, it seems, and at last it abated. Whether it was the explosives or the harpoons, or the two thousand tons of wood and metal and rage, it ebbed. It let out a ravenous wail, convulsed the sea, clawed at our minds with its terrible keen. But at last it sank beneath the blessed concealing blue-grey waters. Its call faded, the waters calmed, and the world—and perhaps  my mind—was given a chance to heal.

 

We talked a fair bit, in the following, weary days, about what finally forced the beast down. Many of the young ones—although I think no one who came back would ever be properly young again—proudly convinced each other that it was the captain’s final, desperate blow that taught the creature fear. I kept my opinions to myself. Because I didn’t believe it, couldn’t believe that something that had fed on panic and spawned in madness for so long could be turned away by such a thing as fear. Ships do not turn aside for cod. Perhaps it simply had its fill of our fear and madness and, glutted on our broken minds, sank back to its long satisfied slumber.

The scientists haven’t told us what they think. Or rather, they have, and they can’t agree. Me, I wonder. The sea’s been there for a long time. Is this the first time the beasts have risen? I’ve heard the stories of Odysseus, of his run-in with Charybdis. Did the ancients survive their rising and hide them in stories to blunt their fear? I think of London too, and Brooklyn and Singpore, all gone. Like Atlantis and Lemuria before them? Only one thing’s certain. The creatures do not die. There was no blood in the water when we fished the mad and dying out of the sea, except our own. There was no flesh save what we spent to distract the thing for a moment. Our wounds and our dead and our madness were the only record of its passage, and they cost us dearly.

Perhaps we put it to sleep for another few millennia. What did it care? It could glut on our madness and fear until the stars fell, rising again and again until the earth spins into the void and the heavens crack. And there are more, always more, swallowing ships and ravaging coasts and spreading their taint of fear and chaos further, ever further, year after year. We could push them back as many times as there are stars in the sky and still fail in the end. I’ve heard talk of new weapons, new ships, new tactics to keep them at bay. But me, I’d had enough. Leave it to the younger, saner ones, wilder ones. A lot of us felt that way. The sea had finally shown us something unconquerable.  Something we couldn’t beat. Something very much like itself. A lot of us moved inland, found work, and lived as best we could. I still miss the sea. But I’ve never thought of going back.

 

I’ve heard about the great battles, of course, the iron ships with their vast cannon and brass rams, hurling themselves at the deep. Whole generations of young men, sent to die for a few months peace in the lonely sea lanes. The struggle against madness seeping inland from the coasts, and the unending war at sea. The rest of the world—what we hear—well, it isn’t much better. Everywhere it’s the same. Nothing like the old days.

My part’s done. Others will have to man the ships now, and lead the evacuation of the great coastal charnel-cities. Can they win? I can’t say. Mayhap they’ll find some new weapon that can kill the things for good, and mankind can rule the seas again. Perhaps they’ll buy us a few decades of peace before it all goes spiraling into the dark. Maybe it won’t even be that long. You might see the end of it.

Me, I’m through. I’ve seen the worst the sea has to offer. And I’m afraid.

 

 

Justin Roshak ’15

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An otter that was born wrong

An otter that was born wrong is trying to climb up some stairs but can’t, it keeps falling down on the first steps and knocking its elbows on the ground. There is nothing wrong with the steps, the otter just seems to lack a basic understanding of how its legs and the cement should interact. An old man with smoky white hair very vaguely hanging over a very pronounced cranium is watching from a nearby cafe, tapping his little spoon on a teacup. He feels strangely moved by the scene, he is entranced by the clumsy and badly­arranged limbs of the otter and all its protracted difficulties. He is so deeply moved that he decides to take it home, he decides to
teach it to climb any stairs it might find and so forth, so as to “fully participate in the world’s developments”.

At dinner, he realizes the otter’s limitations reach into all kinds of spheres. He finds that the otter has enormous difficulties addressing any aspect of the world, it is stuck in every direction, in every available way. It cannot change a light bulb, talk to strangers, interpret the political impact of certain movies, cancel a cable subscription or reject telemarketing solicitations. It all seems very difficult indeed.

The man bursts with compassion. He tucks the otter in an arrangement of pillows that he carefully sets in his living room’s floor, spends the rest of the night drinking gin in the dark, crying silently and considering the gravity of his suddenly­revealed duty, ponderously looking at his hands as if that new and puzzling situation were a complex, many­sided object he could hold and wonder at.

The next day he establishes a series of crucial exercises for the otter. He teaches it how to prepare coffee, how to make a tie knot, how to ask for food in several different types of commercial establishments. The otter tries to eat the coffee that’s left on the filter, he cries when he tries to talk to a waiter, almost hangs itself with the tie, etc. It’s all very amusing. The man is worried, the otter starts living with him, leaving the apartment only to go to work as the night watch at a home appliances store. The work basically consists of idly walking around the store and maintaining a very sharp and attentive look on your eyes (which the otter barely manages to do). It would be a very easy job if it was not for the fear of robbery. The otter cannot even begin to inhabit the spirit behind the necessary motivation for robbing a store. All the difficulties involved in leaving your own nice warm house and driving a truck of some sort, getting ropes and weapons and ski masks, using violence or enthusiastically­enacted threats, breaking glass, carrying a refrigerator or a stove around and loading them into your truck. All of this nonsense just so you can wash and dry your clothes and keep your food refrigerated! Siting on his stool, he sort of envied the concentrated industriousness he found in the appliances, their capacity to carry out their assigned tasks so wonderfully. They hummed with the hidden workings of their machinery, very confidently achieving their functions, while he couldn’t do anything right, falling around all the time, bumping into people, chewing on thermometers, losing several toes in fires that were partially caused by his inadequacy in dealing with materials that were not even all that
flammable!

The exercises assigned by the old man are all pointless, but neither of them give up. The old man stays up all night reading scientific papers that he does not understand (most of them.pdf files downloaded illegally online) and thinking of how the hell will he be able to redeem the final and ultimate awkwardness that the otter seemed to gather in itself. The otter never seemed to be properly fitted to any circumstance. Yesterday the man had caught the otter watching pornography on the television, but it did not seem to be enjoying the situation, or even doing it on purpose. It’s almost as if the otter has an daemonic negative disposition towards the elements, something deeply nested in him that would always set off the wrong answer to anything.

The man thinks about that in all its awful implications while eating cereal directly from the box, hearing the crunchy sound of his chewing and watching the otter struggling in its sleep, on the floor, its dreams haunted by confusing questionnaires that he has to answer in a soviet hospital as well as by the paragraphs of a German historian stretching endlessly and enveloping him, great sea disasters caused by him and being talked about on the news by very rude newscasters, whole fleets sunk in a dark and thick sea screaming his name.

The man eventually realizes that the best possible solution is for him to write a book. Of course. A Definitive Manual of Procedures, where every conceivably necessary human activity would be didactically explained in a very friendly and simple language. How to make Bouef Bourguinon, How to determine yourself politically, How to behave towards different religious sensibilities, How to choose a car with the best cost/benefit relationship, How to mourn the dead.

After the first night of work the .doc file was already forty pages long! At that rate he would have thousands of pages in a few months! He hides the book from the otter, plans on making a surprise out of it on the otter’s birthday (coming next January).

After two weeks, the book is nowhere near completion. It’s actually not even close to an approximate delimitation of its limits. It only keeps spreading itself indefinitely, like fingers of dirty water leaking from a hose and ramifying like tangled branches on asphalt.

How to show respect towards a group of scared old ladies in an elevator. How to reach behind the TV rack to connect the DVD cables without knocking over anything. How to express resignation when your father­in­law subtly criticizes how you raise your children. How to judge David Bowie’s musical trajectory since the eighties.

The procedures become more and more specific, and even a very simple activity like going to the drugstore usually has to be broken down to a group of even simpler activities. He abandons his first text­based attempt and starts sketching these crude tree­shaped graphs and huge flowcharts endlessly related, each item flowering into new and outrageous systems that he unsuccessfully tries to organize into a whole.

The old man finally realizes (in an epiphanic sort of dream where he trails a fiery underworld led by a very grave psycho­pomp who looked remarkably like David Caruso) that what he’s doing is basically programming the otter. How about that. He doesn’t know much about computers or code or programming languages, but the analogy does seem apt. So now the nights that he doesn’t spend planning new segments or sectors of his massive and world­encompassing flowchart he now spends worrying about the otter’s final cognitive capacity, thinking that possibly it would never be able to process the whole thing and, thus, never really go through those the whole of those operations in a satisfactory manner. This concern, though far from being settled, is in turn substituted by a new and even more complicated one. Considering the dream scenario where the otter would achieve an optimum level of operational procedure (which seems almost impossible), the old man worries that the otter would not really understand the content or meaning of what it was doing. He man finally realizes that after reading a very complicated article that compares computers to someone answering questions in chinese without really knowing any chinese, (which can be done with the use of a hat filled with strips of paper containing the answers, for example). The point of the article seemed to be to be that the otter would be unable to extract from those tasks it achieved any sort of properly felt experience, something subjective and owned by it, it would never be truly realized and completed. He would just be impersonating someone who understood how the world worked, going through the motions and smiling on cue like hopelessly dumb actors playing complicated roles.

The old man considers including in his Manual some sort of meta­commentary, a secondary level of sentimental education that would make sure of that outcome, but the practical implications of that are very clearly mind­melting. It’s all indeed quite difficult. The otter offends the ambassador’s daughter, creates a series of diplomatic incidents, causes a few minor economic crises in several rising third­world countries.

The old man no longer sleeps, he just lies in his bed all night. his hands arched and holding his head, tense and sweaty. Spread all around him are the sketches of his manual, its indecisive form, its rude impossibility. Meanwhile in the kitchen the otter knocks down the table, a few cups, spoons, apples, commemorative ceramic cookie jars, a coffeemaker, a blender and the chair in which it was seating, breaking its hip, tearing several types of tissue and possibly compromising the functioning of a series of its vital structures.

In his room, the man receives the protracted sound of catastrophe coming from the kitchen with a confused sort of relief. He remains quiet in his bed, raises the volume of the TV, tries not to listen to any more noises. He eventually falls asleep and dreams of a formidable musical danced by wonderfully dapper and elegant otters in wonderfully complex (and even symbolically sophisticated) Busby Berkeley arrangements, the moves perfectly enacted by an almost organic­looking group of hundreds of tuxedo­wearing otters, their faces dead, their arms undulating seamlessly.

END

 

 

 

 

Translated from Portuguese by Vinicius Castro

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Tell Everyone This Was Amazing

by Rebecca Rothfeld

I think it’s best to initially level with you. I’m not writing this because I’m inspired or heavy with the weight of something important to say, and even less because I want to accomplish something novel by addressing the reader and acknowledging that I am the author in some clever and tricky postmodern exploration of meaning and textuality. Though I’m smart enough at least to recognize that this introduction likely comes off as a contrived attempt to manipulate you, the reader, into believing that I, the author, am original, quirky, and creative. And I’d be lying if I said I didn’t want to leave you with the impression that I am original, quirky[1], and creative. And I’d be lying again if I feigned ignorance of the seemingly universal success of postmodern gimmick as a means of convincing readers of authorial wit and unconventionality.  At least I can admit that I’m not entirely unaware of the effect this kind of opening has on readers, and can further confess that, at least partially, this entire concept is a ploy to trick you into finding me funny and likeable. I feel even further compelled to concede that the disclosure of my flaws is itself a tactic designed to make me appear genuine and open and honest (and this statement itself is a tactic to make me appear genuine and open and honest, ad infinitum).

The truth being this: that I have nothing to say, but nevertheless want you to like me.

So here’s this emotional italicized section with some

unexpected

enjambment

Because, frankly, I am afraid you’ll dislike me, and that wounds me, even though, in all likelihood, I wouldn’t like you if I knew you, or even if I didn’t know you but was easily able to surmise from the earliest moments of our acquaintance that all the peculiarities of you would conform to a typified model I know that I do not like. And yet I care, deeply and truly and personally, in the deep fleshy internal parts of myself that I try at all costs to hide yet am now revealing, ill-advisedly, to you, what these people, whom I hate, think of me. Because, even more frankly, I want to outlive myself, and that entails impressing a lot of people, more people than I could ever possibly actually like. You should note, however, that this paragraph was not constructed with the intention of winning you over. Far from it. I know this kind of base motivation for producing “art,” if indeed this qualifies as “art,” is unlikeable. And that insecurity is unattractive, or less attractive than alpha-male posturing effected in order to conceal insecurity. And that I might have done better to write a mediocre yet ostentatiously self-reflective story with the hopes of fooling you into believing me a great author. Because generally speaking, entreaties for reassurance are counterproductive, and I’m sure that by now you’re disgusted with the whole enterprise and sick to death of my neediness and regretting your initial decision to pick up something that seemed postmodern and quirky and cynical and dry yet has quickly devolved into uncomfortable sentimentality.

So I guess maybe, at heart, this entire thing is a rejection of the whole tired performance. A striving for sincerity. An exposure of my own vulnerability, despite the likelihood of a hostile reception.

But maybe this (“this” being the above revelation), too, was a deliberately planned machination. Even I don’t know.

The point being that I don’t know how to write a story revolutionary enough to hold your attention and stick in your memory such that you as a reader might tell your friends about it or remember it fondly or choose to write a thesis on it or recommend it to your coworkers, but I want nothing more, in my mortality and insecurity, than to write a story of this nature, that might affect you profoundly or move you or touch you or at least make you aware of me and even curious about me and what I liked or was doing at any given moment. But I’ve nothing to say except how much I wish I had something to say, something that could change you, even a little bit.

 

So let’s not, and say we did.

 



[1]Footnote*

*Footnote within footnote[2]

[2] Self-reflective footnote

 

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Nairobi Nights

by Miriam Kilimo 

 (For the children of Kenyan politicians)

Brenda pulled hard on her necklace, causing the thin silver chain to dig into the back of her neck. She sat nestled between her mother and her aunt in the stuffiness of a Range Rover Sport, in a funeral procession ambling towards Kenya Freedom Fighters Cemetery. On this occasion, her tiny mother wore a black dress, while her mother’s sister, an equally tiny woman with drooping breasts, was adorned in a tight colorful kitenge dress. From time to time, Brenda looked at the women’s arms, which lay outstretched over her lap. She watched how they interlocked their fingers; how they massaged each other’s palms and knuckles in dizzying concentric motions.

When she grew tired of looking at the cycle, Brenda focused on her brothers sitting in the front seats. Alan, the elder one, commanded the vehicle. Next to him was Josiah, a seven-year old boy whose little fingers stabbed at his Play Station Portable in a furious attempt to make Arsenal win over Manchester United. Unlike his twenty-year old brother, Josiah had refused to wear a tuxedo. Instead, he wore his school uniform, a green pair of shorts with a matching light-green shirt that suited his future aspiration of serving as the Commander-in-Chief of Kenya’s Armed Forces. Looking at her family sitting in the silence of the creamy leather cushions, Brenda imagined how each one appeared lost to the voice of Reuben Kigame coming from the radio, belting out a Swahili hymn whose name she could no longer remember.

Just as she had minutes before, Brenda grew restless. She now looked out through the car’s windshield at the black Mercedes Benz at the head of the funeral convoy. Converted into a hearse, the Mercedes bore a stainless steel coffin lined with velvet cushions, inlaid with golden trimmings from Italy, and draped over with the red-black-green Kenyan flag. Within the coffin lay the late Honorable Alex “Captain” Kilonzo, Member of Parliament for Eastleigh West, secretary of the Banana Democratic Movement (the ruling party), and the almost-Minister for Defence. Indeed, Hon. Kilonzo was only one promotion away from being rewarded his own ministerial portfolio, before, according to the official reports, a heart attack claimed him in the middle of the night two weeks before.

As with all politicians, many speculated that this enemy or that foe had conspired to have him killed. After all, Hon. Kilonzo was a Kamba man, and the Kambas are known for their kamute, magic so powerful that it can open up a barren woman’s womb. Kilonzo’s kinsmen in Kambaland swore that an old enemy had consulted with a witchdoctor, causing Kilonzo to die at the youthful age of sixty-five. The residents of Nairobi couldn’t care less for any of these magician theories. Instead, many swore that he had died in his secret apartment in Hurlingham, after nights of smoking bhang, and taking shots of tequila and vodka with underage beauties from the University of Nairobi.

Seeing as nothing could resurrect his comrade from the dead, the president did the next best thing he could for Hon. Kilonzo. In order to inconvenience all Nairobi motorists and accord his comrade his last respects, he had ordered the police to hold off all the traffic on Lang’ata road and Ngong’ road, so that the procession heading to the cemetery could enjoy a smooth ride with enough time to negotiate the potholes carved into the tarmac by the incessant rains. Indeed, two police chase cars preceded the black Mercedes, while four uniformed policemen riding motorcycles brought up the rear, ensuring that Hon. Kilonzo’s dead body received the highest protection possible.

“I hope Mrs. Banda and her women have all the food ready. Feeding all these people is going to be hard,” Brenda’s aunt said, interrupting Reuben Kigame as his voice hit the climax of the hymn “Tutakase na utembe nasi…sanctify us and walk with us.”

“I wonder when it will start raining,” Brenda’s mother replied, her tiny voice squeaking briefly before echoing off, just like everything else, into the silence of the Range Rover.

Brenda looked at her mother, focusing her gaze on the tilt of her bowed head, where a red clasp secured her black scarf in place over her hair. She wondered how long the nameless thing hanging over her family would colonize them into silence.

“Why?” Brenda asked the silence.

Her aunt shuffled slightly on her seat, crossing her legs over each other, so that her purple high-heeled shoes struck a contrast against the creaminess of the seats. Her mother lifted her head and turned to her daughter, trying hard to look into the red eyes hidden behind the dark sunglasses, before lowering her gaze to look at the red necklace tattoos etched on her daughter’s neck.

“Why can’t we bury dad in our farm, below the mango tree by the river? Why couldn’t he be Mr. Politician in life, so that he could be my father in death?”  Brenda continued. She pulled harder and harder on the crucifix around her neck, begging the God-man hanging on the cross to walk with her.

“Brenda, you know why already,” her aunt replied.

Brenda’s mother remained silent. She drew her hand away from her sister’s embrace, and pressed her headscarf to her mouth. As her breaths began to rise and fall in quick succession, Brenda’s aunt reached out and pulled the hand back, then proceeded to massage it faster and faster, forcing Brenda to dig her back into the cushions.

Soon, the funeral convoy turned into the white arched gates of the Kenya Freedom Fighters Cemetery, situated a few meters off the main Lang’ata road. The cars parked along the grassy lanes lining the graves of Kenya’s Mau Mau freedom fighters. Fifty years before, the freedom fighters had attacked white soldiers and black home guards with guns and machetes, unrelenting in their struggle for emancipation. The mourning fraternity slogged its way across their brown faded crosses and headstones, moving beyond their Range Rovers and Mercedes. It was time to bury the dead.

 

 

My father died the night I came home for a three-day break from Alliance Girls High School. As fourth form students, we had been granted a pre-examination break to help us “clear our minds” as we prepared to sit for our final examination, the Kenya Certificate of Secondary Education. Break or no break, I loved coming home. Not because I got the chance to escape stares and gossip in school as a result of being Papa’s daughter, or because I got to see Mama and Alan and Josiah. I loved coming home because breaks meant a trip down to our farm in the Kerio Valley. On the cold nights when the warm air had ascended the valley, Papa would build a bonfire under the mango trees lining the river at the edge of our property. He would tell us stories of our Kamba heritage; of his great-grandfather Masaku — the master medicine-man and magician who had predicted the coming of the white man. On these trips, Mama would cook her samosas and coriander-chapattis (she wouldn’t let any of the cooks come with us), and Alan and I would joke that Christmas had come early.

That night, Papa came home with his sense-of-purpose look — when his mouth drew into a thin line and his darkened face reminded us of our Sudanese neighbor. Mama said he got this look when he won his first election to be the student body president at the University of Nairobi. “That day, he stood up before the cheering students and saluted them, looking them straight in the eye like a pirate looking at his crew. From then on, everyone just started calling him Captain.”  I laughed when Mama first told us this story.  She wasn’t even born when Papa graduated from university!

On the night he died, Papa kissed Mama. I know this because I was walking to their room to show her the present Papa had given me earlier that night. I was so excited that I didn’t even bother to knock on their door, which hung ajar. I heard their voices first:

“Captain, you’ve served this country long enough. You even fought for independence,” Mama said.

“This is my calling,” he responded.

“But the gun isn’t. I don’t care what the Defence Ministry says. Let your bodyguard keep it. I don’t want it in this house. What if Josiah finds it?”

“I have to protect my family.”

We grew up listening to Mama trying to convince Papa to resign from political life. She hated the whispers, the stickiness of the stereotypes about Papa and his lot. When I walked in through their front sitting room to contribute my views, their voices had quieted down already, and I only caught the last moments, when their lips brushed together, and Papa’s hand rested on Mama’s face. Mama sensed my presence and turned her face towards me, shaking her head slowly, and I saw that Papa was wiping tears from her eyes. I walked out.

I didn’t hear or see them again, but I know later that night, Mama woke up. She slid away from Papa’s arms, and slithered to the chest of drawers in their dressing room. She opened the last drawer on the left, where I had helped her put Papa’s white handkerchiefs earlier that day, where we had seen the gun together. “We should give Aunty this gun to get rid of,” she had told me then. Mama now pulled out the gun from the drawer, and put it in her big snakeskin handbag. When she turned to hide her handbag, she found Papa standing a few steps away. He moved closer, reaching out his hand to Mama, asking her to give the gun back to him. He pulled Mama’s handbag towards him, but Mama wouldn’t let go. She plunged her hand into her bag to grip the gun, and Papa sank his hand in too to draw it away.  Mama tried pulling and pulling it away from his grip, but her tiny hand slipped, and the trigger moved. The gun wasn’t locked. The bullet shot Papa straight in the stomach.

The resounding blast of the bullet echoed throughout our house, waking me up. I realized I wasn’t dreaming. I jumped from my bed and charged to the hallway, meeting Alan at the foot of the stairs. Together, we dashed to their bedroom, where I knew the sound had originated. We found Papa lying face down in the dressing room, and Mama trying to push him over, as his blood soaked into the carpet, tracing red-greenish rivulets.

“Captain!” Mama cried out. She cupped Papa’s face, the same way I had seen him cup her face a few hours before.

Alan sprang to Papa’s side, and pushed him over in one swift move. His hands moved mechanically over his chest, pressing the lungs up and down, while Mama pressed her hands against the wound, struggling to keep everything in. Then Alan lifted Papa up, and I rushed to help him bear the weight, before he cut me short and shouted: “Call Aunty!”

My hands fumbled with my phone, as I tried typing in my aunt’s number and running after Alan, who carried Papa over his shoulder, and Mama, who ran after them. Aunty took her time before answering the phone, and when she did, all I could hear was loud music blasting from the other end of the line: shouts, screams, the usual atmosphere in the Hurlingham apartment Papa had bought for her. She could hardly hear me over the noise, and the line went dead when she heard me say “Papa” and “gun”.

After we had hurtled down the stairs and entered the car, Mama and I sat cradling Papa in the back, while Alan revved the engine to life and drove us to Karen Hospital, the small hospital a few minutes from our house. When we arrived, Alan carried Papa in and surrendered him to the flustered nurses at the door, who rolled Papa on a gurney into the emergency room. I knew it was over.

Mama retreated to a corner of the empty room. She slouched over, and began rocking back and forth, calling out for Papa. I sat beside her, encasing her under my arms. Her cries reminded me of the night seven years before when I was eleven and she went into labor. We were inside their sitting room, and Mama had just told me to retire to bed when the first pains rocked her body. Papa had stood up promptly, scooping Mama in his arms as she held on to his neck, crying out his name with each successive breath. As the same guttural sounds now filled the empty space, I felt the first pain prowling into my heart. I looked up to Alan, seeing that Papa’s sense-of-purpose look had etched itself on his face.

Suddenly, Aunty burst into the waiting room accompanied by a tall bespectacled man. It was Papa’s doctor. She looked once at us, before going with Papa’s doctor into the emergency room. When she came out, she walked to our corner and crouched beside us.

“We can never let people know how Captain died,” she began. Turning to Alan and me, she said, “If your father’s clansmen find out what happened tonight, they will bewitch your mother, take the last of your father’s wealth, and leave you without a parent or a home. We must keep silent.”

Then she went to handle the paperwork. When the press and party members came later at 5 a.m., Aunty spoke with them, showing them the report from Papa’s doctor. He had died at 1am after suffering a myocardial infarction. Heart attack.

 

 

As the mourning fraternity walked to the grave earmarked for the politician, Brenda looked at the grass around burning a brilliant green. She imagined how the buried warriors of Kenyan past fertilized the grass, giving up their store of flesh and bones to give life to another. Soon, she thought, her father would join this legion. He had lived among comrades who had fought for their independence, and he would now rest among them, soaking in a freedom she would never enjoy.

The mourners surrounded the open hole in the earth. Brenda and her family stood on one side, while the politicians stood on the opposite side. The stainless steel coffin separated the two sides, resting on the belts ready to lower it to the grave. A few meters away, a group of young soldiers cocked their guns, before conferring a twenty-one-gun salute for the departed big man. Then the presiding pastor who stood before a dark marble headstone began the graveside rites. He circled the grave once, muttering “Dust to dust, ashes to ashes” under his breath. Afterwards, while lifting a Bible over the coffin, he asked the fraternity to sing the last hymn. As the words of the song rent the air, the clouds finally opened, and it began to drizzle. Then the song’s name dawned on Brenda. It was Enda Nasi, the same hymn Reuben Kigame had sung earlier that day as they drove up to the cemetery.

Kama huendi nasi.

If You don’t walk with us

 

Hatuwezi kutoka hapa.

We can never leave this place

 

Hatuwezi pekee yetu, enda nasi.

We cannot walk alone God. Please walk with us.

 

From the corner of her eyes, Brenda watched her mother crumple, her weight falling solely on the tiny body of her aunt. Alan stood stoic, his face unmoving. He gripped Josiah’s hand, whose Play Station Portable now lay limp in his hand. As the coffin began descending slowly, Brenda remembered her father’s lifeless face, when Alan’s frantic attempts to breathe life into his lungs had failed. As she reached out her hand to pat the descending coffin, her moist hand glistened like her mother’s bloodied hand, which had failed to stop the stream of blood that night. The cross around her neck now felt like a heavy weight pushing air out of her lungs. The pain growing in her chest reminded her of the first time she enrolled in Alliance Girls High School, when Papa had driven her through the green gates down the tarmac road to the old white building teeming with students. Although he had told her something about words not breaking her bones like sticks and stones, her ribs had begun constricting that day. She had known that moments with Papa would become fleeting; that the whispers would only grow louder with each passing day. As her lungs twisted for the last time, Brenda finally screamed — a cold piercing cry that startled the politicians standing on the opposite side. She began pounding her chest, trying to dislodge the constricting weight, yet knowing that the nameless thing choking their family had won. Papa would never be buried under the mango tree. He had never been theirs.

In the following years, the television stations would reenact this last scene from Hon. Kilonzo’s memorial, replaying the death of the politician to an insatiable audience. The radio stations would hold live radio shows with competitions and discussions: “Who Killed Captain Alex? Best Conspiracy Theorist Wins 5,000 Kenya shillings!” in the vernacular Kamba FM stations, and “What do you remember about the Captain: Unearthing the Secret Lives of Politicians” in the uptown gossip shows of Nairobi radio stations.

In these days, Brenda’s mother will close her eyes and rock back and forth, her hands interlocked with her sister’s. She will recount the night her husband died, lamenting why she woke up, why she couldn’t wait for the morning, why she struggled for the gun. And her sister will massage her hands, slow then fast. “Sister, remember Captain’s clansmen,” she will say. “This is Kenya. We are better off crying in a Range Rover than crying on a bicycle.”

During rainy Nairobi nights in these years, Brenda will remember the night her Papa died, when he had come into her room during her break from boarding school, when he had hugged her, and pressed a thin silver chain with a crucifix in her palm. That night, he had prayed for her:  “God, walk with my daughter.” 

 

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Kong Krew

by Jacqui Calloway ’14

We stood facing the baseball field, on the bleachers with suspiciously rusty railings, separated from the field and the camera-holder by a chicken wire gate. There were one hundred and forty-one of us freshmen. We formed a mob of crimson in our matching red t-shirts, and we smiled at the photographer in the middle of the diamond. “His parents are going to appreciate this so much,” we said, as we sweated underneath the afternoon sun. “They’ll know how much we cared.”

* * *

 

About Me? My name is Jimmy. I’m Japanese and my hometown is Tokyo. I go to Charleston High. I fuck around a lot with my friends, but I’m actually one of the shyest people you know. If you met me a couple years ago, I was always doing stupid shit, but I’m trying to wind down.

 

* * *

 

I was finishing up my algebra homework one Tuesday night when I picked up the phone.

“Have you seen Evan’s MySpace?” my friend Rachel asked.

“What do you mean?”

“Like have you looked at it tonight?”

“I don’t think so. Why?”

“Just look it up. Now.”

I left my bedroom, padded down the hallway, and slid past the cracked door of the master bedroom, where my mother and sisters slept. I tiptoed to my mother’s desk. The computer screen glowed, and my youngest sister breathed heavily in her sleep as I navigated to Evan’s page.

“Okay, I’m typing in the website…I’m logging in.”

Then a long pause.

“What’s taking so long?” she demanded.

“I’m sorry! You know my internet’s slow.”

“Hurry the fuck up!”

“I am hurrying! I’m on my homepage…I’m clicking on Evan’s page…Is this a joke?”

“I don’t think so.”

On the night of October 10th, visitors to Evan’s profile didn’t find the usual paragraph of autobiography highlighting his three favorite things: being Jewish, living on the beach, and his Siberian husky, Ava. In its place was a chunk of text beginning with this:

DEDICATED TO ONE OF THE BEST PEOPLE I’VE EVER KNOWN: On October 10, 2006, Jimmy Mao, my best friend since 4th grade, passed away.

 

* * *

The next morning I woke up and felt bad for Jane Calhoun. It was her birthday, and for the past week she had been looking forward to a decorated locker, cupcakes during lunchtime, and a cafeteria serenade.

Instead: birthday wishes paired with ironic smiles. Happy fifteenth, Jane! I don’t think we sang to her. It would have been too weird.

I stepped off the bus that morning and was instructed to go to the school auditorium. We filed into the damp, unlit room and sat. The guidance counselor told us Jimmy died last night, but it hadn’t been decided how. “Stay here as long as you need to,” she told us. “Go to class when you can…okay?”

We sat in the dark with our heads bowed. I heard sniffling and muffled crying, and also the occasional rustling of someone who hadn’t known him very well leaving his seat, scooting past five other kids to the aisle, slinging on a backpack, and wrenching the heavy door open. Four seconds later, it slammed shut.

The story we got was that Jimmy was cleaning the barrel of a gun and it misfired. It’s a touchy subject. The older kids at school gossiped: He must’ve been an idiot, blowing his brains out while cleaning a gun. Didn’t he know what the fuck he was doing?

My mother tried to convince me that the shot was intentional. “You know what I think about the matter,” she said anytime I brought it up. I always objected. Jimmy didn’t kill himself. He had friends. He was a smart kid. He didn’t leave a note.

But Jimmy liked guns. He knew them very well. I guess there’s nothing to prove it wasn’t suicide, either.

 

* * *

 

I’m an Atheist. I’m a proud supporter of the Marines and I’ll probably be one in the future (but hopefully I’ll hit West Point or Annap or something). I am a soccer player, a shooter, an airsofter, a paintballer, a skateboarder-in-training, a rock climber, a photographer, a film-maker, a runner, and the coolest Asian guy you know on myspace.

 

* * *

 

Jimmy, me, and thirty other kids from our high school had gone to middle school together. He belonged to the gang of boys that boasted of after-school adventures climbing trees, playing soccer on the roof of the parking garage across from the school, and finding discarded liquor bottles that weren’t totally empty. On weekends, they waged paintball wars and during class they discussed the merits of different models of air soft guns.

In seventh grade, Jimmy and I both found ourselves playing spin-the-bottle at Kyle Hagwell’s thirteenth birthday party. The bottle was landing on me often. “Uh oh, Marilyn’s a pimp!” said Ryan Honney, who was blond and blue-eyed and wore a puka shell necklace. Jimmy Mao contributed to the popularity of my lips that night, but I don’t remember much about kissing him. His kiss wasn’t the softest—Kyle’s was—and I can’t decide whether it was Jimmy or Landon Riley who had the beads of sweat above his top lip.

After Jimmy died, the kids who had been closest to him burned the tips of paper clips and used them to etch his initials into their arms. JM. The girls weren’t so brave. For us, a girl named Megan designed special Jimmy t-shirts, but only for kids who had gone to our middle school. These, of course, were supplemental to the red ones that all freshmen were allowed to buy.

After she demanded fifteen dollars and a plain black t-shirt from each of us, she went to the mall to have “In Memory of Jimmy” airbrushed on the backs. Then she ironed a MySpace picture of Jimmy on them all. He’s standing on a front porch, wearing a light gray t-shirt with CHS printed in green letters on it and holding a can of Corona Light. He has this kiddish half-smile that makes me think he hadn’t actually been drinking. Maybe he’d just found an empty beer at a friend’s house and thought it would make a funny profile picture.

I held out on buying one of the shirts Megan made for as long as I could—I had already spent $10 on the red one and I thought it was creepy to wear a shirt with Jimmy’s face on it—but that’s not the kind of thing you can choose not to participate in.

We were big on collages. We’d compile photographs of Jimmy from our middle school days and scan them into the computer. In his younger photos, Jimmy is chubby, and he wears shirts that are way too large for him. In the later ones, he looks rather impish, as if to say, “Yes, after school, my friends and I are going to jump off the second story of a building to compete for the coolest landing.” His mostly looks pleasant. He looks happy.

 

* * *

Jimmy didn’t get much media coverage. There was no obituary listing his extracurricular achievements, no hard-hitting story on the six o’clock news about the death of a young teenager with aspirations to be a marine. Just a death announcement in the Thursday, October 12th edition of the town newspaper.

MAO, Johnathan K., 14, of Charleston, a Charleston High School student and son of Andrew Mao and Mary Young Mao, died Tuesday. Arrangements by Kohn’s Chapel.

 

 

Just those two sentences.

My freshman year in high school, I made a list—21 things that had changed since eighth grade. I started going by “Mari” instead of “Marilyn.” Larry Cooper asked me to a dance via MySpace message and I declined. The best is item number three: “The cool boys talk to me.”

Jimmy’s death didn’t make the list.

“His death brought us together,” we’d say back then. “It’s why we’re so close. It made us a family.” What’s funny is when we took that group picture, everyone was all “Duck down, would you, Brandon? You’re so tall,” or “Kayla, move! You’re blocking my face.” Everybody made sure there would be proof of how much they missed Jimmy Mao.

 

* * *

 

Megan berated a bunch of people for asking Jimmy’s middle name. The morning we sat in the auditorium, half a dozen kids assigned themselves the duty of making a banner on which students could write Jimmy-related messages. After writing JIMMY in big black letters, they realized none of them knew his middle name and approached those of us who’d gone to his middle school for the answer. That bred a lot of gossip. “If you don’t even know his middle name, you obviously weren’t close enough to be that upset about it,” Megan snapped, and we all nodded in agreement.

It was Kong. Nobody ever forgot it again. It appeared on the front of our red t-shirts. We’d already decided t-shirts should be made, but couldn’t figure out exactly what to put on them. “Kong Krew,” someone said in class one day, “but with ‘crew’ spelled with a ‘k.’” We all thought it was clever and good.

So Alison BonCoeur ordered the KONG KREW t-shirts, and everyone who mattered forked over the ten dollars within a week of his death. We took a picture wearing them and sent it to Jimmy’s parents. They became a four-year long fashion statement.

 

* * *

 

I’m captain of an airsoft team in Charleston. Charleston’s cool and all, but I wish I lived anyplace else from where I am now. I’m not judgmental. If I know you, I’m your friend. If you’re a jackass, whatever. I’ll still be your friend. I’ll just keep in mind that you’re an asshole. Anyways, I’m pretty bad at this myspace stuff, so, here goes nothin’.

 

 

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The Belshaws

by Cooper Stimson ’13

As a girl of seven, Temple Belshaw spent a sticky afternoon in Renfrow, Vermont setting up a long, precarious arrangement of dominoes throughout the house; she would later come to regard this as foreshadowing her entire life. The black, red-spotted dominoes featured identical carvings of a Chinese dragon on the back. She began with just a few on the floor of her cozy upstairs bedroom, and the sweat on her fingers stuck to the dominoes, generating several false starts. Once the project really got going, Temple still did not divine the scope of the thing that was to be–not until she had spiraled her way out of her room and to the top of the stairs. Her understanding of the matter was that this was a crossroads–to carry on, or to concede–and Temple knew then that she would not rest until this was a masterpiece.

Her mother Doretta disagreed, and while she allowed the dominoes to be left standing, she told Temple that she would still need to go to bed on time. The dominoes spent the night in their corrugated curves; Temple tiptoed between them to bed, holding her night dress up so as not to disturb them, and in the morning she changed her clothes standing on the bed so as to minimize the danger. On the hardwood pew of their small town church she sat uncharacteristically still, her mind abuzz with swirls and curves and Rube Goldberg monstrosities. The rest of the day was spent on the careful standing of her black monoliths and the designing of the type of workarounds that her future grandson would one day call kludges. The day was boilingly hot, and Temple’s south-facing room not unlike an oven. When Doretta brought up an electric fan to cool Temple’s room, Temple carried the trailing cord behind her like a bride’s train, and that night she was lulled to sleep by two things: the gentle breeze of the fan, and the thought of the perfect, fragile monument she was creating. Even with the dominoes and the fan, sleep was hard to find on these hot summer nights. The air lay over Temple’s face like a thick wool blanket soaked in warm water. For hours she simply planned the next day; the possibilities stretched before her like forks in the Trail, unaware of the coming tragedy.

Three quarters of a minute before a quarter past three that night, Temple was woken by the thunderous sound of a gigantic deck of cards being stylishly shuffled–or so it seemed. With her pulse galloping in her ears she reached for where her blanket lay in its discarded croissant-shape at her feet and pulled it swiftly up to her chin. Down the hall that felt as distant as Boston, she heard her mother call out something precisely indistinct–but Temple would not move, not until Doretta came in, asking what was that. Then Temple managed to sit up, as Doretta lit the lamp, and only then did Temple see her toppled dominoes.

She shrieked and in her frenzy to reach them she tumbled out of bed onto the hard floor. Doretta patted her shoulder, and still she sobbed. “It wasn’t perfect yet,” Temple choked, rocking herself and leaning her head back so the tears wouldn’t collect and drip off the tip of her nose. She didn’t need to go downstairs to see; she knew it was all ruined, and that it was probably because of that stupid fan blowing them over. It wasn’t perfect yet.

As Doretta left to go back to sleep, she told her daughter something that would stick with her for years: “Belshaws don’t take pride in accomplishments; we take pride in the striving. Be a Belshaw, child.” Over a decade later, Temple would have the words typed onto a sheet of paper tacked to her wall in her dormitory:

“Be a Belshaw, child.”

She wasn’t sure what it meant to her, exactly, but she knew that it belonged to her. It was a gift, and she would find that perfect use for it.

The next day, Lamont Belshaw came home from his business trip. Temple was cleaning up all the dominoes, placing them in boxes and putting them in the attic, when his car pulled onto the gravel. Temple’s tiredly flowery dress was scuffed with dust, and her father’s white shirt was wrinkled, with the top button absent. The sound of the door brought Temple downstairs; Doretta was in her study upstairs, working with the window open. Temple hugged her father like a girl of seven often would, with a lunging affection. Lamont even cracked a smile as he ruffled his daughter’s straw hair. She reminded him of smiles.

Upstairs, Doretta did look up from her work when Lamont opened the door to her study. The room was sparse, a white-painted space with a plain desk sitting near the window, at which sat his dearly beloved wife. She was working longhand, the typewriter sitting unused—Lamont knew that the typewriter only was taken up for the second draft, it was her way. She looked up and smiled absently.

“You’re home.”

“I am. How’s work?”

“Your collar is missing a button, dear.”

Her window was open and the sunlight and wind poured rapturously in; the bare room was but a canvas to the energy of the air that swam in rivers around her. Lamont loved seeing her working; she was like a puppet brought to life by a hand, all animated and gestural. Too many days he spent knowing that she sat in circuitous frustration at this same desk; the swirling vigor of her creative spell could not banish the stink of bitterness that the room seemed to have absorbed, that seemed to reside in the very paint and in the small spaces between the floorboards. There was more missing in the room than just a collar-button. He strode near her and she pecked his cheek before turning back to her pencil and pages. Today seemed to be a productive day; he asked her what she was writing because he knew that explaining it helped her to keep focused on what she was really trying to say.

“It’s a romance, Belshaw,” she said. “You remember those. A romance of an affluent widow and mother, falling in love with a man who looks exactly like her late husband. But he is a scheming, duplicitous brute, and only seeks her hand for the money that would come with it. He secretly plans to frame her child for a crime and send him away to military school.”

“That sounds fascinating,” Lamont told her.

“It isn’t—not yet, anyway. Where it gets really interesting is when she discovers his family! He’s already a married man in the next state, leading a double life. His name isn’t even Nick, it’s Richard.” She waited for his reaction, although she tried not to show it.

“What a scoundrel he sounds to be!”

“Well, I like writing scoundrels.”

“You like scoundrels?” Lamont asked half-interestedly, tapping his knuckles lightly on the wall.

“I do not like scoundrels. They are scoundrels. Why must you tap so?” She set her pen down sharply and turned in her chair.

“Looking for studs,” Lamont said.

“Excuse me?”

“In the walls, I’m looking for studs in the wall here–to hang a lamp.”

“I have plenty of light here at the window, Belshaw. The noise of installation would prove more trouble than light should warrant.”

“It would allow you to work at night–”

“Oh, so I may stay up waiting for you? I’d rather sleep.”

“Fine. Fine, Doretta. I shall leave you to your work, then.”

He withdrew, the same force of suction that seemed to pull him also closing the door. The noise didn’t make Doretta jump, but it made her ink jump out of its pot–Lamont knew it must be a story she cared about because that was the only time she pulled out her treasured dip pen–and splatter like dominoes across the page. Through her open bedroom door, Temple watched her father stand outside the door, leaning against its frame, tracing what might have been words across the grain of the aging wood.

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Esquisses

by By Rob Wolfe ’12
I. Au métro

The boy stands shoulder-to-shoulder in the metro car, head down, hands in his pockets, worried
about things like losing his wallet, making eye contact, or breathing in someone’s face. In a way, it’s comfortable. There’s no need to hold on to the handgrips: simply relax and let the packed-in mass of humanity support you. And they do support each other. 78,089 fans, minus a few token Austrians, are riding out together to watch Les bleus clobber Das Team, even though the match won’t matter for the World Cup.
The car lurches to a halt at Garibaldi. The doors slide open and four or five men in red, white, and blue push their way in. Behind them, a man in a tattered overcoat steps on. He stays by the door. His hair is tangled and white. He takes a deep breath and addresses his captive audience.
-Vous savez, ces Arabes, ce sont de vrais salopards.
He speaks an old man’s French, swallowing almost every consonant. He reeks of wine. He’s
incomprehensible. His words fall on near silence, broken by titters and sideways glances. The
old man casts around, settling on a redheaded girl lucky enough to have found a bench seat. He
addresses her directly; she laughs and looks away, but he’s persistent. She looks at him, away
from him, up, down, at the strangers around her.

He announces he’ll get off at Carrefour Pleyel, but stays put on the train’s arrival and leans on the door. One gentleman can’t take it any longer. He reaches past the old man and pushes the
door release. Slowly and with infinite grace, the old man tips over, out of the train and onto the platform. Several impatient travelers step gingerly over him on their way out, then several more on their way in. He finds his feet and stumbles out of the station.

II. Nuit blanche

The bateaux-mouches cruise down the Seine at ten o’clock on a Friday evening, tourists’ gazes
following the searchlights from the Pont Neuf to the Louvre, dipping into the tidal pools
collecting on the quays, and gawking at the marine life within: drunks, lotharios, a curly-haired Tunisian boy who passes the bottle on to resume his rendition of “Hey, Soul Sister.”
The boy pulls uselessly on the corkscrew embedded in a bottle of Beaujolais nouveau. He puts the bottle between his legs and tries again. The others are chatting nearby but the blonde in the red pea coat sits next to him, watching. He glances up at her, then back again, and decides to give up. But even giving up isn’t easy; he has to wind the metal out of the cork before pushing it into the bottle with a key. He jerks the handle to the left and his hand comes away suddenly, the rest of the screw left behind. She sighs,
-That’s all right. We’ll get them to open the next one at the corner store.
Then.
-’ey guys, ‘ow’s it going?
They look up. Two young men, one in a leather jacket, one in his shirtsleeves, sidle over.
-Want to buy some flowers? Just kidding. May we try some of your wine?
While Leather Jacket makes the necessary introductions, Shirtsleeves leans over.
-Are any of your friends single?
The buttons on Shirtsleeves’s shirt swim apart, then together again. The boy stares for a moment and nods to his left.
-Yeah. These three.
He nods to his right.
-Those ones have boyfriends.
They’re walking south now, all eight of them, with Shirtsleeves and Leather Jacket in tow. They
stop at a bar for the restroom, and the two men are still inside when the blonde in the red coat comes back out.
-Now’s our chance! Run! someone shouts.
They sprint down the avenue, soon lost in the crowd.
Five minutes later, they stand in line outside the Luxembourg Gardens, breath still coming hard, their just-faded smiles creeping back as the cork pops out of another bottle. They pass it around and talk. They say they’ve got the world’s largest disco ball inside, suspended a hundred feet above the central fountain. Light from inside flickers on the apartment buildings across the street.
At the gate, the gendarmes pull the last bottle out of the blonde’s bag and toss it in the trash.
They enter. As they walk down the path, distorted figures thrown by the sideshows dance among
the trees and the clear beams from the main attraction. The boy looks: paper cutouts of lava-lamp blobs and grinning faces rotate around yellow lights that turn the low-hanging leaves around him dull and waxy. Hundreds of people mill around the fountain, looking up at the ball. There’s nothing to drink and nothing else to see. They leave.
The guitar players are gone from the quays. The sun will come up in a few hours, but tonight the
metro closes late. The boy and a few others stay. A man standing on one bank of the river winds
up and hurls a bottle as far as he can; it smashes on the other side. Black, indistinguishable forms laugh, curse, heave glass in both directions.
-French gang war? someone postulates.
Probably not. Another man throws a bottle, stumbles on the follow-through, and plops right in
the drink. The gendarmes pull him out; everyone disperses.
The boy heads south on the metro, en route to the end of the line. His eyelids droop, and he
figures he has time after all to sleep. The car peeks above ground and locks eyes with the sun; he dozes.

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All God’s Children Can Dance

by Thomas Bao ’12

We were waiting that night – first for Calvin to come with the drinks and then for the others to call. Chris was showing me his music and what he’d been watching and we were waiting. Then someone called and we continued to wait until Calvin came and he asked us to help carry in the drinks because he’d brought too much and we took Chris’s car to pick up Emily, who was waiting outside, shivering in a hoodie that covered her blonde hair. She got in the back with me and I tried to think of something to say, but couldn’t so we defaulted to talking about how we were getting ready for college next year, but then gave up and I looked outside at the passing lights and thought of the time I got high with Chris and I said something as we were falling asleep, and realized I had said it while dreaming, and when I woke up, he was already asleep, and then the car stopped and we were at University Ave, where everyone else – Ben, Kit, Erica, and Erica’s boyfriend – were, eating in a Thai restaurant. We joined them, talking until Bill and Braddock came, already high and hungry and Chris asked them if he could buy some weed, so we ended up following them to a pizza place where they ordered and Chris paid them, while I walked around before sitting with the others outside to talk, when Kit, who I hadn’t seen since middle school, started talking to me and I didn’t really know what to say. Then we were at the lake, where, Calvin took out the drinks, offering first to Emily who passed and shook her head with her arms crossed and when I looked at her I felt sad though I didn’t know why and then to Erica who gulped down the poured drink and then began yelling at bikers for no reason,
and all of us tried to stop her because we didn’t want the extra attention, but she just laughed.
Suddenly, I felt cold and I began shivering, when Kit, without me even needing to ask, went into her car and lent me her jacket and all I could say was thank you, while the rest of of us, were again waiting in the cold, talking, but not really, listening to the susurrus of the woods
around us and the lake. Then Ben got a text for a party and we all ended up getting into our cars again, but then Kit wanted someone to sit in the car with her but no one wanted to and I wondered why she cared so much and why no one wanted to and I looked at her from inside Chris’s car and Chris told me to just keep the free jacket but I felt sad for her and returned it. So we left without Kit to find a house with the door open where much older kids from community college were sitting around, drinking. When we saw this, suddenly, we just wanted to leave and ditch Ben and go and smoke hookah, but Erica wanted to see, and Ben and Calvin went in with her, while Chris, Emily and I stayed outside with Erica’s boyfriend, who leaned against his car smoking, and when we asked him why he hadn’t gone in, he just shook his head, said, “whatever,” and then stomped out his lit cigarette before lighting another. When Ben,
Erica, and Calvin returned, we got into Chris’s car saying we were just going home, but really, we just wanted to leave Ben and Erica and Erica’s boyfriend. Ben tried to convince us to stay, but we got into Chris’s car quickly and drove off before he could even wave goodbye to us. Inside, Calvin and Chris started joking about how sketch the party seemed – the open door and the people we didn’t know, while I sat in the back with Emily whose arms were still crossed and I thought she looked tired. When we got out, we were at Chris’s house again, and we went into his guesthouse and then the bathroom inside, where we turned on the fan and just sat inside, drinking and blowing smoke rings with peach scented tobacco, just talking. Chris told us about his time in Europe and how Klein kept puking in Amsterdam every time he smoked and how Miranda got herpes messing around with Maz, a local they met in Spain, and then we talked about Charles, who gave me a black eye once, and how at a party he hooked up with Christina and she started off on top but he couldn’t so they switched and he tried until she put him in her mouth and tried until he had to use his hands and Christina almost cried because she couldn’t
make him cum, and I thought how weird it all was and sad. Then we started drifting off, while Chris made a bong out of a cola can to smoke whatever weed he had left, and suddenly it got serious and we were talking about Garth, who we all knew from middle school but was now gone forever because he drove a stolen bimmer into a highway divider and suddenly it was quiet and we were all looking down at our drinks and I was laying in the bathtub listening to the fan
whirl around and around, when someone’s phone buzzed – it was another text and we got into our cars again. When we got out, we were in front of an abandoned warehouse, where Naomi and Shareef who sent the text were and I had a bad feeling because Shareef and Naomi did coke together and Shareef kept talking to me outside in the cold talking about we hadn’t seen each other since freshmen year when all I wanted was to get inside and avoid them but they kept talking until finally Chris said something that made them lead us inside the warehouse and then they went back outside to wait for the others to come and I looked back and saw him pull out his cock and rub it up against Naomi the way he always does and I didn’t want to look and felt like I had to vomit, but Chris put his hand on my back and we walked into the behemoth mass of people and we started to drink and the music began to fill our bodies and we merged with the dancing crowd. Then I saw a girl with curly hair and I began to dance with her until she took me by the hand to a room and I started to touch her body and rub up as close against her as I could until she took off my pants and then I felt the music stifled from outside the door and I tried to not think about it and bit her lip and started to go but thought of Caroline and then I couldn’t and I thought of Charles and how sad we all were and I tried so hard to keep going that she took me in the mouth and I just wanted to leave and she started yelling something as I closed the door, leaving without the others to drive to Caroline’s, where outside, I called her, and she picked up drowsy and I told her I was sorry and I passed her house and she should come outside immediately. When she did, I almost hit her while I was reversing but it was okay and she hopped in and we drove to Alex’s dad’s house in the dark, the old house we spent so much time together in that was now empty because Alex and his father were in Hong Kong and this thought made Carol cry because she was in love and I started to feel sad but I didn’t want to cry and this made us think of everyone we had ever loved and made me think of Garth. I tried to think of something to say, but then my mind went blank and I felt like a light had gone out. At that moment, I felt as if we were going to vanish and so I told her we should go inside and we went to the backyard porch and sat in our clothes freezing, looking at the skyline and its reflection in the pool and I told her about what I saw – the dragon invading the castle and how beautiful it was that next to this skyline were the stars that shone so brightly and next to that were the neighbors watching a movie upstairs with the T.V. casting flickering shadows inside like a Hopper, like Nighthawks 1942. I told her how far away all this made me feel and I asked her to promise to paint this scene for me and I took her hand and we danced on the backyard cement until we were sweating and we went to lie down on the old leather couch and talked about how good the cold couch felt and we tried to talk more but gave up, realizing it was all unnecessary. And, finally I stared at her and placed my hand on her cheek and she rested her leg on mine and we sat there saying nothing, thinking of Hopper and Charles and Garth and everyone we knew and loved and how we’d be leaving it all and we held each other, trying to be as still as possible and there was quiet.

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Seeing You

Hannah Seulgee Jung ’15

She was asleep on my shoulder. I wanted to wake her, ask her, Excuse me, haven’t you missed your stop? But the ticket she held in her hand said, no, not until the very last. Her hair tickled my chin and for a moment I thought she smelled like Elle. Lavender soap and soft water.
I had another half hour left to the city in which I had loved. She’s got another man but enough time and distance stood between us. I was going there to meet my buddy from boarding school. We were on the debate team and had roomed together. Seeing her came as an afterthought, a secondary business.
Her father’s business was quite lucrative. Hedge fund, it was called. He was my height, an older version of a J. Crew model. He was not good-looking but there was a charm in his speech and eyes that made you think he was. Handsome, even. I wanted to be like him. I wanted to make people believe I was better than they thought. I studied his jaw as he chewed his food, the dignity he leaned back with in any stiff chair, his unassuming gait of an athlete. Once I saw his empty cologne bottle in the trash and noted the Italian brand. I tried to laugh like him, and I tried not to think of my dad with his glasses propped on his forehead, asking me where they were. It was an old game we used to play when I was a kid. Dad pretended he couldn’t see anything and I’d come to his rescue, say, Dad, they’re on your forehead! After he died I pretended he was invisible. As a memento I kept his glasses and his corrected vision became my inheritance. The people in my life appeared smaller than they were, a virtual image through a pair of diverging lens.

I tried to stretch. The girl’s head was heavy and my shoulder was asleep. In her closed eyelids I could see the purple veins. Following one downstream I found a scar, just under the left eye next to her nose. When she cries the scar will collect her tears. When she wakes up the ticket will still be in her hand and her head on my shoulder and she will ask, Excuse me, haven’t you missed your stop?
I missed Elle. I missed that rainy morning in Grant Park when she took off my wet glasses and traced her finger over my brow. “What do you see,” she said, “in me?” I could only tell that her face was hers and that she had my glasses on. She wanted to see as I saw, a corrected vision reduced in scale. I closed my eyes. The rain was falling hard on the umbrella. To not see her at all was better than to see her fading, blurring in the rain, drowned out. “Hmm?” She asked. Her finger was on my temple, cold, then along my ear. “You look like a dream,” she stated. “Familiar and unrecognizable.” She meant I was becoming more like her dad. She stopped her tracing. The rain and the faint traffic along Michigan Avenue was all I heard. I felt the heat of her body as she drew closer, as if to whisper something in my ear. No, she was leaning in to kiss me. Of course. “I wish you were real,” she told me as her nose touched mine. Her breath was warm, her face a pixelation in my mind. There was a picture I took that moment just before the kiss pressed like a camera shutter. It was something I learned from Dad—to imagine inside your eyes without seeing. But when I opened them her hair was dampened dark and the rain had stopped. I felt a claustrophobic suspension. She had sneezed instead. Elle was like that. Ruined the moment only she could ruin. “Bless you,” I finally said.

I was looking out the window when the girl on my shoulder stirred, rubbed her eyes. She shot up. “Oh, I’m so sorry.” She wiped the drool from her mouth with the hand that held her ticket. She reminded me of my buddy, how he would also flush red when he lost a debate. He wore mismatched socks and bow ties and managed not to look funny. He ruffled his hair when he was nervous and chewed mint because he couldn’t smoke. He took the longest showers in the mornings when no other boy in the dorm was awake. I knew he was thinking in there, with the water falling on his head. He was trying to forget me, how I had changed his mind about Elle and that I had loved her too. He tried to forget the books I had given her shelved in her room, my glasses she wore to magnify her eyes, the flat tone she used to tease him that was mine.
When my shoulder was no longer asleep the girl had gotten off the train and I had missed my stop.

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Boys’ Weekend

by Henry Russell ’15

When I discovered the tent in the back corner of my grandparent’s A-frame, I never expected my dad would let me sleep in it for the boys’ weekend, but when I asked him, he said, “sure, champ,” and we took it to the backyard and put it up together.
“Boys should always work hard,” he said as he hammered the last stake into the ground, “but a boy’s weekend is a time for fun. Got it, champ?”
“Roger dodger, sir,” I said and gave him a big salute.
He saluted back and went into the house. I stayed in the tent, drawing a picture in my notebook of our dog Captain and me sleeping in our new tent. I thought about adding my dad to
the picture, but decided not to because it was an illustration for a story called “The Adventures of Mel and Captain.” In the story, we had run away from home.
Sitting in my tent, I smelled the salt air that carried from the harbor beyond the woods. A
red hawk landed on a maple, and I began to draw him too. At some point, the other boys arrived.
I heard them laughing with my dad from inside the house, but I stayed in the tent with Captain
and drew my pictures. I listened as the crickets droned over the voices of the boys and watched
a thorn bush rustle in the wind. A dogwood bloomed white-pink in the center of the yard. A
chipmunk stopped to eat his acorn beneath it, and Captain saw him and chased him into the
woods. I liked it out there in my tent.
There were four of us boys on the boys’ weekend— five if you counted Captain. Besides me, the boys were my dad, my godfather Stephen, and my eldest cousin T.J., but that was it; it was just us boys.
The A-frame belonged to my mom’s parents, but they were letting us use it for the boys’
weekend. My dad called the A-frame “The Love Shack” because it’s where he first met my mom. Stephen had introduced them. The outside panels of the house were painted red, white and blue, but the paint was chipping and faded. Green-brown moss grew up the slant of the roof. When it started to get dark, I slipped inside with Captain, and we explored the house as it creaked under the weight of the bigger boys. In my mother’s old room, I found her dresser drawer empty except for a tiny, brass key. Imagining a secret treasure chest, I searched the house for the matching hole, until I returned to my mother’s room and found the key fit the lock of the dresser from which it came. I left the drawer open and pocketed the key.
Combing the rest of the house, I uncovered, among other treasures, a watercolor in a broken frame my mother had painted of a sailboat, an arrowhead, and a brittle horseshoe crab left in a windowsill. I collected these treasures into a pile at the corner of my tent. In a dark closest whose drawstring bulb wouldn’t go on, I found a heavy trapdoor that opened to the crumbling foundation of the house. Even Captain wasn’t brave enough to go down there by himself.
The boys were in the living room. Stephen was holding a red-striped beer can in one hand, and flipping through a pile of dusty records with the other. “Remember when this album came out, Danny,” Stephen was saying to my father, holding up a white record, “if only Springsteen would shut up and play music like he used to.”
Just then, Stephen noticed me in the doorframe. He walked over and slapped me hard on the shoulder, “where you been hiding, kiddo,” he said. “Aren’t afraid of me, are you?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t afraid of my godfather, but I didn’t like him much either. Stephen had big shoulders, and blond shaggy hair, and his teeth were too white. I was glad this was a boys’ weekend, because I didn’t like the way Stephen kissed his wife— how he pressed his hand on the back of her head as if trying to hold her there forever. Once I even saw his tongue moving into her mouth. It wasn’t anything like my mom and dad’s kisses. I hadn’t seen one in a while, but when I did I always said to myself, that is love. That is what love looks like.
“So, kiddo,” Stephen continued, “any girlfriends yet?”
I saw him turn to my father and wink, and wondered how best to answer this question. I was pretty sure I had a crush on a girl named Alex. In “The Adventures of Mel and Captain,” we
saved Alex from many dangerous circumstances, but I’d hardly ever spoken to her in real life.
Just in time, something I had heard an older kid saying on my bus came to mind:
“I’m playing the field,” I said, and to my delight, the boys laughed.
“That a boy! That. A. Boy,” Stephen said, and clapped me on the shoulder again. My dad’s surprised smile told me he was proud of me.
Stephen turned to T.J. who sat in a lumpy, pink armchair, and said, “but this guy— from what I hear he has a pretty fine piece of woman on his hands. What’s her name again, T. J.?”
“Anne,” T.J. said and nothing else.
“Anne? Nice name. How far you gotten with this Anne, big guy?”
I wanted to hear how far T.J. had gotten with this Anne, but my dad spoke first, saying “All right, all right, that’s enough,” and changed the subject to T.J.’s wrestling season.
My dad woke me from the tent before sunrise the next morning. I followed him around to the front of the house and found the others were already up and packing the bed of my dad’s company truck with coolers, boxes of tackle, and fishing rods. The rods were drawn taught and
curved like bows ready to snap.
My feet sunk into the pine needle drive that was soggy and cool with dew. A thick mist rose through the trees from the harbor and clung on my arms and face. From the backseat of the truck, I watched the white houses of Battlefield Road rise and fade in the mist. Captain balanced on my lap, and I opened the window so he could stick his nose out like he liked. My dad drove slowly around the hairpin on Harbor Drive, and then, out of the haze, I saw the harbor, the little sailboats poking from the blue-grey, the dinghies lined like soldiers along the tideline. Through breaks in the fog I saw the sky turning pink over the eelgrass of the far shoals. “Red sky in morning,” I said, pointing, “sailors take warning!”
“I checked the weather last night,” Stephen said, “it’s gonna be gorgeous.”
When we got to the boatyard the fog had burned off. We untied my dad’s Whaler from the dock and set off up the river for the cut-through. Captain propped himself up at the bow, and barked at the red and green buoys as they passed. My dad laughed and said “Good dog. Never
stops protecting us.”
We meandered up the river through the maze of moored boats and floating docks, and, all of a sudden, my dad grabbed me, and lifted me onto the high rubber of the captain’s seat. My feet dangled over the white fiberglass deck, and he began to show me how to work the wheel. “A
little wheel goes a long way,” he said. I nodded, and then he said, “now you try, champ,” and he let go of the wheel and suddenly no one was controlling the boat, and he looked down at me, and I looked up at him, and he nodded, and I nodded, and then, at last, I grabbed the wheel. It felt cold and electric in my hand like the football ring I sometimes snuck into my dad’s room to try on. I focused on the channel markers. I tried to use as little wheel as possible. My dad went up to the bow with Stephen and rubbed his hand back and forth on Captain’s head.
As I drove, T.J. came back to talk to me. T.J. was my favorite cousin. That winter, my father had taken me to watch him win the Class A State Wrestling Championship. He was short—five foot, six at best— but stocky with a big smile and an army-style haircut. I used to beg him to lie on his back and bench-press me. I liked the way my stomach lurched up and down as I rose and fell. I thought about asking him if he would bench-press me when we got home, but didn’t because I wanted him to think I’d grown up.
We watched an osprey land on a rusting fishing boat, and I asked T.J. what it felt like to be a wrestling champion and he said, “good, I guess,” and he told me about how tough it was to keep his weight down and how he hardly went out with Anne during the winter because he was so tired all the time. I asked him Stephen’s question again about “how far he’d gotten with Anne,” because it confused me, and he laughed, and said “we just kiss,” and I wondered how
it was that he kissed, and if it looked like love, but didn’t ask because I thought that would be weird. A white gull plunged into the water in front of us. I used too much wheel to avoid it, and then corrected that mistake with a larger swing in the other direction.
“What is this— the slalom,” shouted Stephen from the bow, clapping my dad on the back.
“Little movements,” said my dad.
My cheeks grew hot, and I said to T.J., “I’ve never driven before,” and he said, “you’re doing good,” and then looked over the banks of the river as they rolled past in silence. T.J. was
quiet like me. That’s why I liked him. I didn’t know it yet, but a few years later T.J. would step on a mortar in Afghanistan. I would stand with my dad at his funeral and flags ripple red, white, and I would remember this moment on Oyster River. Anne would be standing across from us in a black dress, and my dad would say “he was a good kid,” and I would nod my head and think of the boys’ weekend.
When we got to the cut through, my dad came back and said, “mind if I take over, champ. It’s time to go fast.” He saluted me, and I slipped off the high captain’s seat and said, “Rodger
dodger, sir,” and saluted back.
I went to the bow with Stephen and T.J. and held Captain tight in my lap. My dad revved the engine hard, and the wind rushed past my ears faster and faster. You couldn’t hear anything
over the wind and sound of the engine, so I talked aloud about how excited I was to be fishing
with the boys. I watched the water spraying out in an arc from the hull. I watched and watched,
and then I felt dizzy from watching and looked, instead, over Monomoy point. A red lighthouse grew up from the dunes.
The boat careened towards a throng of grey plovers, and they all flew to the sides as we approached except for one stupid bird that flew straight away from us for as long as he could.
His wings drove like chariots until we were right up on him, and just as I shouted for my dad to stop, the bird veered left and glided back to the others.
My butt was getting sore from whacking on the fiberglass, and I was happy when the boat finally slowed. The other boys rigged the lines, and cast them over the stern, while my dad
explained to me about how this spot was called the Rip, and that it was where the ocean met the
Nantucket Sound, and that this was the best spot on Cape Cod for fishing. All I could think about was catching my first fish, and when, at last, we got a bite, I was disappointed when my dad said, “let’s give this one to T.J.,” and T.J. took up the jumping rod and leaned into the hull to reel it in.
His biceps shuddered under his skin as he turned the reel. He pulled back on the rod and
eased it, pulled back and eased, and when he eased he reeled. It was beautiful the way he reeled that fish.
Suddenly, the glimmering back of the fish ripped through the surface of the water and flew high into the air. It thrashed and leaped and the line jumped and held tight. I closed my eyes, and when I opened them the fish was in the boat. Stephen was saying, “we gotta keeper,”
and I watched him force the jerking fish against the deck and wedge a pair of pliers into its eye- socket to dislodge the hook, and when he pulled it out, the eyeball popped out with it, and it rolled onto the deck and drew a brown-red trail through the speckles of fish blood. Keeping one hand on the fish, Stephen reached down and picked up the eye. He held it up against the sun smiling at it like it was some rare jewel, and then threw it out into the ocean. He shut the writhing fish into the cooler, and it was all over. Stephen and my dad were giving T.J. high-fives, and Stephen said: “we ain’t gonna starve, boys,” and my dad pointed to me and said, “you got the next one, champ” and I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t want to catch a fish anymore.
It took us a while to hook another fish and the whole time I was afraid. I sat by the cooler and listened to the fish flapping on the bags of ice, until, after a while, the fish was quiet, and I knew he was dead. All the while, I watched the rods, hoping they wouldn’t jump. The sun rose high in the sky, and Stephen grabbed a beer and drank it. My dad wound the boat up and down the Rip. I felt in my pocket for the brass key to my mother’s dresser and watched the rods wishing them into stillness.
And then the starboard rod was jumping. The line buzzed out over the ocean, and my
dad grabbed the rod and said, “It’s you, champ,” but I stayed where I was, and he said, “It’s
a big one. We’ll catch it together,” but I shook my head, and I think then my dad understood,
because even though Stephen was saying “c’mon, kid. Be a man. Be a man,” my dad said to Stephen,” “you take this one.” Stephen said, “What? You afraid, kid,” and my dad told him
again to take this one and pushed the rod into Stephen’s hands, and then came over to me and
said, “It’s all right, champ. You catch the fish you wanna catch.”
When we got back to the A-frame, the fog was rolling in again from the harbor. It reached for us through the woods that lined the yard. I sat on the sofa in the den, and watched the white-pink blossoms of the dogwood turn blue in the oncoming dusk.
The house had a mist of its own. Under the orange glow of the canvas lamps I watched dust float on the air like snowflakes. I bobbed my head to the rock-and-roll that spun from the record player and tried to remember the names of the bands as the older boys talked them over.
“Cat Stevens was a genius,” my dad was saying.
“He’s a terrorist,” said Stephen.
T.J. said nothing.
Captain sat in my lap. I thought I saw him nodding his head, but he was just a dog.
The smell of the grilling bluefish wafted from the porch. On the boat, all I smelled of the
fish was bleeding eye sockets and the fluttering, silver gills that shimmered with blood and saltwater, but now the fish smelled like food. The fish smelled good.
My dad was drinking beer from a red-striped can. I watched the way the yellowish liquid slipped into his mouth, and how his bottom lip cradled the lip of the can. He drank the beer like he kissed my mom. Gentle. A gentleman.
Stephen finished his own beer. He crushed the can against his chest, and tossed it towards
the bin the corner. It missed, and he sat back in his pale, grey armchair and sighed. My dad was looking at him.
“Pick it up,” he said.
“What?”
“I said pick it up.”
Stephen stared at my dad, started to say something but stopped and lumbered over to put
the can in the bin. My dad went out to check on the fish. Raindrops began to speckle the wooden
porch. The kitchen table leaned to one side as we ate. The grain of the rough pine splintered into fissures. Captain hid under the table, and I passed him a piece of bread when no one was looking.
After dinner, I went back to the sofa with my notebook and began drawing a new picture of
Captain and me driving my dad’s boat. Stephen and my dad stayed at the kitchen table drinking
their beers. I looked up when I heard my dad say my mom’s name: Heidi. There was something
unfamiliar in the way he said it. Heidi.
I looked out at the tent my dad and I had set up in the back yard. The raindrops rolled down its walls like minnows crowding and falling over each other.
T.J. came in and asked me if he could bench-press me, if he could show me how much stronger he’d gotten since last time, and I said “I’m too old for that now,” and he said, “you’re
never too old to be bench-pressed by your favorite cousin.”
I smiled because he was my favorite cousin, and he wrestled me down to the ground and started pressing me up into the air and letting me fall back against his chest. We counted the reps
together, and, at thirty, I felt him go tired beneath me. The shaking of his arms passed through my own body, and he pressed me up one last time, and then I collapsed down on top of him. My dad and Stephen were in the door frame watching us. Once T.J. had caught his breath, Stephen said to him:
“You drink yet, big guy?”
“Not yet,” said T.J.
“I see,” said Stephen, “old pop’s a stiff, right? Doesn’t let you do anything fun.” He slapped my dad on the shoulder and spilled some of his own beer down his shirtfront, “I always knew old Tom was stiff, eh Danny.”
My dad smiled, but didn’t say anything. Outside, the darkness settled on the yard. Droplets of rain hit the porch, and exploded into geysers in the glow to the porch light.
“Anyway, we can’t have T.J. taking his girl around without any drinking experience,” Stephen continued, “girls like guys who know how to drink responsibly, am I right, Danny?”
My dad nodded slowly. His eyes followed Stephen as he went to the cooler and grabbed one of the dripping, cold beers. Stephen walked over to where T.J. and I were lying on the floor, and said, “get up, big guy,” and T.J. stood up. Stephen held out the beer, and T.J. took it. They
might have been shaking hands.
T.J. cracked the pop-top and lifted the can to his mouth. A thin stream of beer trailed down his dimple as he drank. He held the beer in his mouth for a moment as if thinking something over and then swallowed. I didn’t know what the beer was, what made it different from the lemonade I was drinking, but I did know that in that moment, as T.J. swallowed, he had entered a new stage of boyhood.
Stephen had a proud smile on his face. He turned to me and said, “you wanna’ try, kiddo.”
My dad shot him a look. “Easy, Stephen,” he said, and Stephen said, “can’t he try a little sip of his godfather’s beer.”
My dad nodded again, even slower than before.
Stephen handed the beer down to me. I took it in two hands. It was warmer than I expected. I felt Stephen’s heat upon the can, his eager look. I raised it up to my mouth, and just as my lips touched the metal, my father said, “No,” and I dropped the beer. It hit the ground and
the yellow-brown foam spread out over the floor. The beer sunk into wood like rain into mulch.
It left a shiny, dark stain.
“It’s just a taste, Danny,” said Stephen.
My dad shook his head. “He’s too young,” he said, “His mother—“
“Forget about his mother,” said Stephen, “that’s the whole reason we’re here this weekend— to get away from his mother.”
My dad said nothing.
“Honestly, sometimes I wish I never introduced you to her,” said Stephen, “Sometimes I think it’s the biggest mistake of my life. None of this would have happened if I’d just kept her
for myself.”
And then my dad was out of his chair. His fist flashed before my eyes and buried itself into Stephen’s nose. Captain yowled and Stephen fell back against the wall. For a second, I thought he was going to hit my dad back he looked so angry, but he slumped down against the wall and cupped his hands to his face to catch the blood that dripped from his nose, and said, “Jesus, Danny. What the hell?” and when he said it some blood spattered over the floor from his mouth, but I didn’t hear what my dad said back because I was too afraid to stay in that room any longer. I ran through the screen door into the rain, and Captain ran after me. We went into the tent, and I closed the flap.
In the tent I squirmed into my sleeping bag, and Captain curled up at my feet. The rain
shellacked the walls, and I listened to it fall for a long, long time. I felt in my pocket for the grooves of my mother’s key. After a while, I heard footsteps on the wet earth outside, and the flap of the tent unzipped, and my father said, “do you mind, champ,” and I didn’t say anything.
He came in anyways and lay down on the floor next to me.
I hadn’t realized it yet, but sometime around then, my parents had stopped loving each
other. My grandparents had let us use the A-frame for the boys’ weekend so my dad could blow
off some steam from an argument he was having with my mom. But I hadn’t realized that yet.
On a night in September, my dad would come into my bedroom and say it couldn’t be helped, that he and my mom were splitting up, and that they both loved me very, very much, but there was nothing they could do. They were splitting up. I would tell him I’d be all right, that in “The Adventures of Mel and Captain,” we did fine without any parents, and my dad would look very sad, and then he would have to leave the room. A few months later, an electrician would find mold growing up from the foundation of the A-Frame, and that summer, my grandparents would hire a bulldozer to tear it down. But none of that had happened yet. Lying there in the tent, I didn’t know any of it.
The rain fell harder and harder, but we were dry in our tent, and I asked my dad if Stephen was gonna be alright.
“He’ll be fine,” my dad said, and then he said, “I’m sorry,” and I said, “it’s okay,” and after that we were quiet, listening to the rain.

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The Tale of the Lost Rubies

Nick Jensen ’15

On Tuesday I woke up halfway through my 9:00 class so instead I walked to the Chocolate Salamander Café. It was raining but it was also very hot so it felt like you were being coated in a warm and viscous layer of turquoise paint. I didn’t have a rain jacket because it didn’t rain in Texas and I thought a sweatshirt would be sufficient but it was clinging to my shoulders like an awkwardly affectionate uncle and I kept looking backward because I thought
someone was bumping into me. Nobody was.
Fuck was it hot. I rolled up my sweatshirt sleeves and on my arms appeared rain droplets like bubbles of methane gas ascending toward the light of a match. I’m dumb thinking it was hot in Tacoma since I’m from Austin but it was, okay? My mouth tasted like iodine and I wanted an
espresso because I need coffee like everyone else.
The Chocolate Salamander’s logo is a black salamander with a pink tongue licking its own tail. Like an amphisbaena, sort of. An amphibiasbaena. Part of the tail is dripping as the salamander’s salivary excretions catalyze the breakdown of the chocolate cells composing its
own body. Dripping like oil from a broken pipe. The Chocolate Salamander sells truffles in
these little pink and gold gift boxes and they’re good gifts for your first date with a girl. They also have these actual chocolate salamanders, but girls are supposed to give those to guys even though guys don’t get orgasms from chocolate like girls so the girls usually get to eat them anyway if they’re dating somebody nice.
But most people go to the Chocolate Salamander to get coffee. There are like 50 Starbucks locations in Tacoma because it’s Washington and all but everyone I know just goes to the Salamander. It tastes better anyway or maybe I’m just a hipster. So is everyone I know so it
works I guess.
I didn’t put my sweatshirt on the coat rack. I never do. I ordered my coffee and found a table. There are thirteen tables. One of them has this weird stain in the corner. I don’t know what substance formed it but it looks like a person being surrounded and suffocated by three blankets. I didn’t happen to sit there on this particular occasion. I sat at the table that I had been sitting at when a woman wearing a t-shirt and pants came in and yelled at the manager about her coffee tasting funny a few weeks ago. She looked very compact, like a lot of energy and ambition had been compressed by titanic pressure. Maybe she goes to my college.
I couldn’t think of a five-letter word for ‘inert’ ending in ‘l’ so I marooned my Tribune at
the other end of the table and looked around the room. I looked everywhere, like eyes were
growing out of my skin.
There was a woman sitting on a couch. The Salamander has these two chartreuse couches near the window. They’re pretty comfortable but you can’t bring your coffee or chocolate over
there. Usually people read in them. This woman wasn’t reading. She was looking around too.
She didn’t look out the window much. I guess if you were being contemplative, out the window
would be a good place to stare ponderously because it was raining and staining the glass like a
slime mold. But she was only looking around the café, like me.
I decided to talk to her. She wasn’t crazy hot but I’d be down to fuck her. She was some kinda Asian. She was clearly bored so I figured I’d give her some conversation.
She saw me approaching. “I’m Miranda,” she said. “I know it’s weird but my dad is
super into Shakespeare.”
“I’m Zach,” I said. We shook hands.
I asked her if she liked chocolate truffles.
“I don’t eat saturated fats,” she said.
“Oh. Well it certainly doesn’t look like you eat them.”
“I don’t.”
“What do you like to eat?” I said.
“I’m trying to avoid taking pleasure from food, but I like bananas.” She did not sound flirtatious.
“I like grilled chicken. That’s pretty healthy,” I said.
“Men like meat.”
“Yeah, vegetarians aren’t real men.”
She grimaced slightly, like a clown whose nose had fallen off. “I dated two vegetarians,” she said. One of them was an asshole, so I broke up with him.”
“That sucks. What happened with the second one?”
“We went to Point Defiance and he told me that he didn’t find whale song haunting, so I broke up with him.”
“You sound like quite the heartbreaker.”
“Maybe, I guess. I’ve only broken up with one other guy. The rest broke up with me.”
“Why did you break up with that guy?”
She exhaled loudly, like a dying balloon animal. “That was Mark. That one was the saddest. He was very funny. After I told him about the silly squirrels that would always run around my yard in Hyde Park he rented a squirrel costume and sang a song about a squirrel with a machine gun cane and a bulletproof coat. It was from a cartoon about a secret agent squirrel. I cried from laughing so hard.” She smiled like a Venus flytrap.
I frowned like a pitcher plant. “But why did you break up with him?”
“Oh.” She stopped smiling. “I told him a story from my childhood, and he laughed at the end.”
I was puzzled. “Was it a funny story?”
“No. It’s a wrong story.”
“Wrong?”
“Yes.”
“I don’t know that I understand. Would you tell it to me?”
“Yes.”
We looked at each other for a moment.
“Oh, I thought you were going to make me promise not to laugh at the end,” I said.
She took on a new facial expression. I couldn’t tell if it was sad or angry or fearful. I’ve
heard of some studies or something about teenagers being worse at differentiating facial
expressions than adults. I always thought it was some kinda bullshit to get parents concerned
about their kids drinking.
“I can’t stop you from laughing,” she said. “But if you do it will make me very sad.”
“All right, I understand. Please tell me the story.”
“Okay,” she began. “1600 years ago, on the banks of the Khalkar River in Ariana, there lived a mother and her three daughters. The area around the river was desert, and the nearest town was forty miles from their hut. The daughters had grown up without ever seeing a person besides their mother. The youngest daughter was very small but also very clever.
“The daughters and their mother only ate fish. They once had vine of white grapes growing around their fence, but it withered on the day of the youngest daughter’s birth. So the mother and her daughters spent all day among the reeds in the river, reaching into the mud to find fish to eat. The daughters took turns cooking the fish, while the mother spent every evening
hunting for rubies in the sands around the hut.
“One evening, the youngest daughter was cooking the fish, because it was her turn. The other two daughters sat by the fire and told each other riddles. Their mother came out of the hut
carrying her ruby-bag.
“’Why do you always hunt for rubies in the evening?’ asked the eldest daughter, who had never known why her mother did this. ‘You’ve never found any.’
“The mother put down her empty bag of rubies and said, ‘Once, before you or your sisters had been born, I was tending our grape vine when a man on horseback rode by my hut. I asked him why he had come to the Khalkar River, where nothing lived but fish and grapes.
“’He said, ”I seek the rubies of King Arsames. They are buried within these sands.”
“’And so I have searched for the rubies, to buy us a grand palace in Liu-Chien-Shih.’ The mother picked up her bag and walked into the night.
“When she returned in a few hours, her bag was missing. The daughters gave her a fish that the youngest daughter had cooked.
“’Where is your bag?’ asked the middle daughter.
“’A vulture carried it away,’ said the mother. ‘And I had finally found the rubies!’”
Miranda stopped and looked at me. I made sure I didn’t laugh.
“Is that the end of the story?”
“No,” she said. “Would you like to hear the rest?”
“Yes,” I said.
“Okay,” she continued. “The next morning the mother and her daughters went into the reeds to hunt for fish. But they discovered that all the fish had died. The eldest daughter suggested that they collect the dead fish and eat them, but the mother warned that the fish were probably cursed.
“So the mother and her daughters returned to their hut. By this time the mother was very old and weak from her nights in the desert hunting rubies. So she told her daughters, ‘Go to the
great city Liu-Chien-Shih and find yourselves work in the market on the river,’ and remained in
their cracked, earthen hut. She gave them each a flask of water from the Khalkar River, water
that smelled of dead fish. She also gave each daughter a small box and told each not to open hers until she was in grave danger. That of the eldest daughter was bronze, that of the middle
daughter silver and that of the youngest gold.
“The daughters walked together to a very tall pistachio tree where they had often played.
There they-“
“Wait,” I said. “Why didn’t the mother and her daughters eat pistachios?”
“The tree was very tall and they didn’t know you could eat them,” said Miranda. “May I continue?”
“Yes.”
“Okay. So at the pistachio tree, the daughters saw that there was a triple fork in the road
ahead. ‘We don’t know how to read Liu-Chien-Shih, so the best course of action is to take
separate paths and hope that at least one of us reaches the city,’ said the middle daughter.
“The other daughters agreed with her plan. The three hugged and kissed each other, crying, and finally parted at the triple fork.
“The eldest daughter was disgusted by the smell of her water, so she walked a very long way without drinking. She was very thirsty and tired, and was about to fall over when she saw a
pool of clear water flanked by a grove of palm trees in the sands ahead. She hurried to the oasis and drank from the pool. Afterwards she sat down in the shade. Soon she fell into a deep sleep.
“When the eldest daughter awoke she saw a serpent curled up next to her. The serpent greeted her and asked her for a drink of water.
“’Why do you not drink from the pool?’ asked the eldest daughter.
“’In the pool there grows a beautiful yellow water lily which secretes a juice that will cause me to become vulnerable to my own venom and kill me,’ said the serpent.
“’I’m sorry, dear serpent,’ said the eldest daughter, ‘but my water smells of dead fish and
it will surely kill you as well.’
“So the serpent became furious and bit the eldest daughter on her ankle. She screamed curses at the serpent. ‘My family’s descendants will crush your family’s descendants under their
heels!’ she yelled. The serpent slithered up a palm tree and disappeared.
“The eldest daughter remembered that her mother had given her a gift for use when she was in grave danger. She opened the bronze box. And what do you think was inside?”
“Um…” I said.
“Sorry,” said Miranda. “My mother always asked me that at this point in the story. Would you like to guess?”
“Okay… antidote to the snake’s venom?”
“That’s what I said the first time, too,” Miranda said. “Okay, inside the box were 40 gold
coins.”
“Wait, wouldn’t the eldest daughter have heard them jingling?”
“No, they were tied in cloth. May I go on?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay, so the eldest daughter found 40 gold coins in the box. She knew that they would not help her bite so she cast them to the ground and collapsed underneath the palm tree.
“By this time the middle daughter had traveled very far. She drank only a little of her
water which smelled of dead fish before vomiting and collapsing by the side of the road. When
she regained consciousness, she saw that a serpent had slithered up to her side. She was barefoot but she knew that serpents were dangerous, so she crushed it underneath her heel and continued to walk.
“After a while she was feeling very tired and thirsty. Eventually she came upon a cave in some rocks and decided to rest, hoping it would be cool. Inside she found a group of 40 thieves.
They had amassed a vast treasure of rubies and kept it in the cave. They quickly tied up the
middle daughter in a golden chair.
“’We will not rob a maiden,’ said the leader of the thieves. ‘But we will only release you
if you give every one of us a golden coin.’
“The middle daughter remembered her silver box and begged the thieves to untie her so she could open it. They released her bonds and she opened the box. And what do you think was
inside?”
“Uh… antidote to the snake’s venom?” I said, thinking I’d caught on.
“That’s what I said the first time too,” said Miranda. “Okay, inside the box was a beautiful ruby ring. The thieves saw that the middle daughter didn’t have the gold coins they wanted, so they tied her up again.”
“By this time the youngest daughter had reached a tall mountain. The road went over the mountain so she decided to rest before embarking onwards. When she awoke she saw that a serpent had curled up next to her.
“Now the youngest daughter was very clever, so she decided to trick to the serpent into helping her. ‘Great serpent,’ she said, ‘your scales are brighter than the dawn and your fangs are longer than the road to Liu-Chien-Shih! Truly you are the strongest and most powerful of beasts!’
“The serpent swelled with pride at these words. It slithered quickly in circles to demonstrate its agility.
“’Oh, and you must truly be the swiftest of beasts, swifter even than the cheetah!’ continued the youngest daughter. ‘I imagine you could easily outrun and kill that gazelle.’
“She pointed to a gazelle that was perched on a rock nearby. The serpent immediately slithered up the rock and bit the gazelle, which did not attempt to run away since it had not seen the serpent. The gazelle soon died of the serpent’s venom. The serpent returned to the youngest
daughter.
“’Such masterful skill deserves an extraordinary reward,’ the youngest daughter told the
serpent. ‘I will cook you a feast worthy of the royal court of Liu-Chien-Shih!’
“So she built a fire and cooked the gazelle’s flesh. After the serpent had eaten its fill, it
curled up and fell into a deep sleep. The youngest daughter crushed it underneath her heel. Then she ate the rest of the gazelle and rested until the morning.
“After she awoke the youngest daughter continued her journey over the mountain. She walked up the steep path for several hours before she found a cave hidden in the rocks. The midday sun was very hot and she was very thirsty, because after she drank all her water that smelled of dead fish she had vomited it all back up. So she decided to rest in the cave.
“Inside the cave she found 40 thieves. These were different thieves than the ones that the
middle daughter had encountered, but they too had a great treasure of rubies. There were many
rubies in the desert in those days. The thieves tied up the youngest daughter.
“’We would not dare rob a maiden, but we will free you only if you give us forty gold
coins,’ said the leader of the thieves.
“Now the youngest daughter was very clever, and decided to free herself a different
way. ‘Great king of thieves,’ she exclaimed, ‘you are so handsome and noble! Please, take my
body to use as you would!’
“Now although the youngest daughter was small, she was very beautiful, and the leader of the thieves decided that this was an acceptable alternative to the coins if the youngest daughter
agreed that after the leader had enjoyed the maiden, the rest of the thieves could use her as well.
“The youngest daughter agreed, and for 40 nights she went to bed with a different thief. The thieves fed her well on rice and lamb kebabs and gave her sweet water to drink. After-“
“Wait,” I said. “How old was the youngest daughter?”
“I don’t know,” said Miranda. “The story doesn’t say. I always pictured her around six or
seven.”
“And she has sex with these adult thieves?”
“She has to, or she’ll be imprisoned.”
“Isn’t she imprisoned for 40 days anyway?”
“I suppose… you’re right, I guess. But I did tell you the story was wrong.”
“I can see that. So how old were you when you first heard the story?”
“Six, I think. That’s probably why I picture the youngest daughter at that age. She’s the
heroine so I identify with her.”
“Well,” I said. “Did your mom tell you this story?”
“Yes. I only ever heard it from her.”
“Did she tell it a lot? That’d be a dreary way to grow up.”
“No,” said Miranda. “Only three times before she died.”
“Oh, I’m sorry about her death.”
“It wasn’t your fault!”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I felt like I was sweating soap.
“Anyway, she only told me the story three times. The first was when I started first grade. The second was when we moved to Sacramento, when I was 11. The last was when I left for college last fall. She said it was a story for journeys.”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I felt like I was watching a man bury a child in sand.
“Well, would you like to hear the rest?” said Miranda.
“Oh. Okay.”
“Okay, so after the youngest daughter slept with all the thieves, they gave her a basket full of food and water and sent her over the mountain. She walked for several hours until she came upon a very old, frail man sitting on a rug. She saw a river nearby and remembered her mother’s words.
“’Is this the great city of Liu-Chien-Shih?’ asked the youngest daughter, who did not know what a city was.
“’Yes,’ said the old man.
“’Is this the market of the great city?’ asked the youngest daughter, who did not know
what a market was.
“’Yes,’ said the old man.
“The youngest daughter was overjoyed. ‘I would like to work for you, great man of the
market!’ she said.
“The old man frowned. ‘I only take princesses to be my apprentices. Are you a princess?’
he asked.
“The youngest daughter did know what a princess was, but she decided it would be prudent to lie and say she was one. ‘Yes,’ she said.
“‘I do not believe you,’ said the old man, who had become angry. ‘If you are a princess,
where is your ruby ring?’
“The youngest daughter was frightened by the old man. She remembered the gold box
her mother had given her and hoped that it contained something to keep her out of danger. So she opened the box. And what do you think was inside?”
“Okay, this time it has to be the antidote,” I said.
“That’s what I thought, too,” said Miranda. “But no, it was a ruby ring, just like the one
the middle sister found. So the youngest daughter showed the ring to the old man, and he took
her on as his apprentice.
“He forced her to sweep the rug for 16 hours a day and fed her only occasionally. He did not like princesses because he had been spurned by one in his youth. The youngest daughter
lived out the rest of her days in misery on the rug at the side of the road. But that was okay
because she had been walking away from Liu-Chien-Shih the whole time.”
I thought Miranda was finished, and I was happy that this part of the story wasn’t funny so I wouldn’t be tempted to laugh. But after a momentary pause she spoke again.
“The eldest daughter woke up after fainting from the serpent’s bite. Because she drank from the water lily pool before she was bitten, the venom did not kill her. She saw that the serpent had slithered into her flask and died from drinking the water that smelled of dead fish.
She picked up her 40 gold coins, filled her flask with water from the pool and continued on her
journey until she reached Liu-Chien-Shih, where she bought a small palace with her 40 gold
coins and found work in the market near the river.
“After the thieves tied the middle daughter back up, they noticed her ruby ring and decided that she had to be a princess. So they untied her and cooked her a meal of rice and lamb
kebabs and took her to Liu-Chien-Shih, where she wed the prince and found happiness in the
royal court.
“One day the new princess of Liu-Chien-Shih went to the market near the river because her servants were all sick from eating poisoned rice. She saw her sister working at a fish stall.
“’Sister, sister!’ cried the middle daughter, princess of Liu-Chien-Shih. ‘I have finally
been reunited with you!’
“They embraced and the middle daughter brought her elder sister to her palace, where
she became an exalted member of the royal court. The two sisters lived out the rest of their days happily in the court of Liu-Chien-Shih, and only once spoke of their lost younger sister.
“’She was very clever,’ said the middle daughter, princess of Liu-Chien-Shih. ‘I’m sure
she found happiness.’”
“Is that the end?” I asked.
“Almost. There’s a little part that’s sort of different. Would you like to hear it?”
“I suppose I have to.”
“No, I could stop there.”
“No, please go on,” I said. I felt like I was walking through a whale’s throat.
“Okay. A few centuries later a man came down the road that the youngest daughter had been enslaved by the old man on. And he saw the dead youngest daughter’s ruby ring sticking
out of the sand. So he put it on and walked to Piandjikent, which was the great city of the age.
Liu-Chien-Shih was long destroyed. When he reached the city, everyone saw his ruby ring and
declared him the lost princess, and he lived out the rest of his days happily in the royal court.”
I tried not to laugh and succeeded. I felt like I was drifting through the void of space and my eyes were boiling.
“That was the end,” said Miranda, who looked stoic. “Are you laughing?”
“No,” I said.
“Good. If I were dating you, I wouldn’t be breaking up with you right now.”
I thought about using that remark as a springboard to invite her back to my dorm, but I knew if I fucked her I’d be thinking of that six-year old girl getting gangbanged by thieves the
whole time.
“Well, thanks for the story,” I said.
“Really?” she said. “Most people feel weird after I tell it to them.”
“I do feel weird. I feel horribly weird.”
“Good, that’s normal. So did Stanley and Dave and Ben and Todd and Stacey.”
“Stacey?”
“She used to be my best friend.”
“Oh.”
“Once we went swimming in a river near my house. This was in Sacramento. And I caught a frog and I kept it as a pet until it died. She didn’t like it. She said it smelled like dead
things.”
“Did it?”
“Sometimes.”
Today I didn’t have any classes after my 9 until 3, but I wanted to leave so I told Miranda
I had to go to anthropology.
“I’m happy to have met you,” she said.
“Likewise,” I said.
I left the Chocolate Salamander. It was still raining so I couldn’t see through the window very well. I went back to my dorm and took a nap. I’d been out way too late the night before, and the espresso wasn’t enough to wake me up.
I never saw Miranda again, but a few weeks later I saw a little girl sitting on the porch of
an apartment building. My first thought was that her parents made her sweep the floor all day
and that’s why she wasn’t in school. My second thought was wondering how many men had fucked her senseless, and how happy her innocent older sisters were with their friends and in
their classrooms. She had bright, clever eyes, and I wished that she’d been born a little less
precocious-looking.

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Spitting Image

by Renee Gauthier ’12

The first thing most people noticed about Amy Healey’s four-year-old daughter Kelsey was that she was a miniature version of her mother. She had Amy’s brown eyes, her dishwater-blonde hair, and just the right amount of age-appropriate chubbiness. She was, by all accounts, an adorable little girl, except for when she was in the throes of an occasional temper tantrum.
Unfortunately for all involved, now was one of those times.
“I don’t like that dress!” she screamed, wiggling and waving her arms as her mother tried to grab one of the dangerously flailing limbs and stuff it into the sleeve of the offending garment. “I don’t like it!!!”
“You liked it just fine when we picked it out,” Amy said impatiently. “Stop moving, Kelsey!”
Kelsey redoubled her efforts to wriggle free and began wailing, “No-no-no-no-no-nooooo!” Amy ignored her and yanked the sleeve further up her daughter’s arm before turning her attention to the other side of the outfit. She glared at a few nearby mothers who were casting
critical looks in her direction and caught Kelsey’s other hand, guiding it with some difficulty into the other sleeve. Her movements thus restricted, Kelsey let out a long, wordless wail and dissolved into tears, standing stock-still as her mother zippered her up the back.
“You’d think I was torturing you,” Amy said in what she hoped was a lighthearted voice,
mostly for the benefit of the holier-than-thou mothers still watching. “Don’t you like this dress? Isn’t it pretty?” She glanced over at the mothers and gave them an apologetic smile. “She’s always like this before a big one. It’s the nerves.” A couple of the mothers nodded in
understanding and turned away, but one or two let their gazes linger on disapprovingly. Amy tried to ignore them. It was always like this on the pageant circuit. Some mothers just couldn’t stand the fact that other women’s daughters were cuter or more talented or more poised. Amy prided herself on her own attitude. She never resorted to the nasty looks or the passive-aggressive comments that came so naturally to some of the other moms. Pageants were her own thing, hers and Kelsey’s, and all that mattered was Kelsey’s own performance. And Kelsey’s performances were always winners.
At home, Kelsey’s bedroom was filled with trophies that proclaimed her Little Miss This
or That. Her walls were hung with sashes and medals, and she had so many tiaras that almost all
of her dolls and stuffed animals wore at least one. Sometimes when Amy was returning some
misplaced toys to Kelsey’s room or putting some clean laundry in the dresser, she would just
stop and stare at the titles—Grand Supreme, Ultimate Grand Supreme, Junior Miss Elite, Queen
of Queens—and marvel at what she and Kelsey had been able to achieve together. It was unfortunate that pageants got such a bad rap, she would muse as she blew some dust off a trophy
and straightened a teddy bear’s lopsided crown. Kelsey was learning poise. She was developing
a skill. Not many kids got those kinds of opportunities so early on — Amy certainly hadn’t.
She found herself thinking along the same lines as she managed to get a subdued but still
sulking Kelsey into a chair to have her hair done and her make-up touched up. Kelsey would
have the world at her feet. She could be a model, an actress, maybe even Miss America. She
could win a scholarship to college, a good college, not a two-year commuter school like the one
Amy had attended, the one that lost its accreditation the same year that Kelsey was born. She
would have dozens —no, hundreds— of options.
It was hard to explain all of this to a six-year-old, so Amy didn’t try. Instead, she teased
Kelsey’s hair and some lighter blonde extensions into a glamorous-looking pouf, curled the ends, and hairsprayed the hell out of it while Kelsey shielded her face with her hands. She reapplied the makeup where the tear tracks from Kelsey’s tantrum had messed it up and brushed some bronzer on top. She successfully inserted the flipper teeth to hide the gaps where Kelsey’s baby teeth had fallen out. And finally, she managed to get colored contacts into Kelsey’s eyes. This of course resulted in another tantrum and more makeup-retouching, but by the end of the entire ordeal Kelsey looked picture perfect. The deep turquoise dress made the blue contact lenses pop, and Amy couldn’t help but feel satisfied that they’d decided to try the contacts—they really completed the look. She applied a dusting of glitter to Kelsey’s face, gave her two air kisses so as not to ruin the work of the last hour, and sent her off—tanned, blonde, and sparkly—to wait her turn in the wings.
When Amy took a seat in the audience a few minutes later, the woman next to her smiled
at her. “Which one’s yours?” she asked, jerking her head toward the stage, where all the
contestants were parading out in a wobbly line. Amy told her.
“I’d never’ve guessed,” the woman remarked politely. “She doesn’t look a bit like you.”
And under the stage lights, with makeup and blonde hair and blue eyes and perfect teeth and a pretty dress, she didn’t.

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Mackinac

by Katherine Kendig ’12

The road was made of dirt – an improvement over the last road, which had been made
primarily of potholes. The horse-drawn cart that I found myself in hadn’t liked potholes, jumping nervously every time it encountered one. As a result I was constantly toppling in whichever direction physics chose to propel me, forced to grab at the sides of the cart to keep upright.
The cart had once been nicer – I could tell by the upholstery on the seat and the paint
that remained on the outside of the box that it would once have been called a carriage, the sort newlyweds would spontaneously take to romantic dinners. But time and perhaps winters in the snow had been hard on its polished planks. The rough cracks buried splinters in my hands each
time I clutched the boards for stability.
Splinters hurt and all the sliding around was hell on my dress, but I didn’t comment to
the silent driver, hunched in front of me with the reins in one hand and an iPod in the other. It
seemed petty to complain.

When Marian first told me about growing up in Mackinac, I found it hard to believe that
she came from a tiny island in Michigan that didn’t allow cars. It sounded like the kind of place
Gulliver would come upon if he were traveling today, or the sort of destination a tornado might
drop Dorothy into: a cheery town of fudge-makers and carriage drivers, numbering less than
five hundred. It didn’t seem possible outside of Amish country, but Marian assured me it was
so and constantly urged me to come and visit. I never had the chance – Chicago wasn’t that far
away, but once I’d settled into a routine after college every suggested step off the path seemed
exhausting and unworkable.
Opportunities are spiteful, sometimes: they strut along, batting their eyelashes, hoping to
be taken. But when they’re passed up, they make it personal – they seek revenge. “You should
have visited Marian when she asked you to,” they whispered in my ear on the night I heard of her
death. “Now you have the time, don’t you? Now you can come.”
I did come. I’d driven up from Chicago the night before and taken the ferry to the island
that morning. From the boat Mackinac looked charming and self-contained: a tree-covered hill
hemmed at the bottom like a hoop skirt with lacy fudge shops and patio restaurants and other
tourist temptations. Higher up, partial glimpses of pink and white houses spangled the hillside.
The whole image was clean and surreal – a movie set.
The funeral notice had said that free transportation to the church would be provided at
the entrance to the park, but I had some time, so I checked into my bed and breakfast and walked
along Main Street. I wandered into Ye Olde Fudge Shoppe and almost bought some cherry fudge
as a souvenir, but as I stood in line I realized how tacky that was, and retreated. On my way out I
saw a black ribbon taped to the corner of the door, a bow with a little M on it, and wondered if all
the stores had them.

The park entrance had been easy to find, but the transportation less so. I’d stood
hesitantly in the middle of a walking path, looking left and right for I knew not what as knots of
people threaded past me on both sides, until finally I’d seen the driver on his cart waving at me
from the dark shade under a towering pine.
“Funeral?” he’d asked me when I’d made my way over.
“Yes,” I said, and didn’t know what else to add.
He offered to let me sit on the front bench with him – “It’s a bumpy ride in the back” –
but I declined, not wanting to deal with the awkwardness of small talk and close proximity with a
man I didn’t know.
“Bit worse for the wear,” he’d mumbled, handing me up into the back. “I was gonna
bring a blanket or something, but…” He shrugged, squinting at his horse. As soon as he’d settled
back into the cart he turned his iPod volume all the way up, and faced unceasingly forward.

As the cart tottered up the hill toward the church, its lurching distracted me less and less
from my apprehension. My mother always told me that when it comes to death, more is more:
how much worse to have an empty service than an over-full church. But after seeing the tiny
world Marian grew up in – she must have known everyone in it, I imagined, must have been
family to them all – I felt like an intruder for coming all this way, inserting myself into a grief
I had no real reason to share. How close were we, after all? We had been friends, good friends,
in college, but graduation trimmed the fat off my social circle. Anyone unnecessary to my life,
no matter how beloved, had gradually faded out of it; and Marian’s sweetness and humor and
support could, apparently, be found elsewhere. What a terrible thing to acknowledge.
All of a sudden the grating of the wheels and the chattering of birds and the damp,
pressing quiet of the trees around us made me feel like a fraud. I hadn’t even known Marian
was sick until I got the call that she’d passed; I didn’t know her family; we’d only spoken a
few times over the last several years. There was nothing I could provide the people who would
truly mourn her loss – who would feel that the sky hung lower without her, that the sun could no
longer warm them – except another bowed head in the pews and a $25 donation to the American
Cancer Society in Marian’s name. How selfish, really, to go to a funeral and worry about my
own place in it – but there it was. My black dress and appropriate earrings felt like a costume. I
was devastated that Marian was gone, but every time I thought about it I feared the emotion was
getting thinner, as if I were wearing it away with overuse: It’s so sad, I kept telling myself, and
tried not to make it sound like a reminder.
We finally crested the top of the hill and I could see the clustered mourners, a black-clad
mass in stark contrast to the white church around which they stood and beyond that, the lake – I
didn’t know which one – sparkling cobalt. My hands started to sweat and I clenched them into
fists, driving the slivers I’d acquired deeper into my skin with little cuts of pain. I’m here for
Marian, I thought, trying hard to swallow. I can do this for Marian.
The driver pulled to a stop near a line of mingling horses and much fancier carriages
and turned off his iPod. It was nearly two, which meant I was probably his last load, if he’d had
others; he helped me down and disappeared and it occurred to me that he might be attending the
funeral himself. He didn’t bother to tie the cart to anything – apparently the horse was a trusted
member of the community.
I smoothed the skirt of my dress with wet hands. The sweater I’d put on over it had
gotten snagged on little pieces of wood more times than I could count on the way up, but I didn’t
have it in me to inspect the damage. I didn’t suppose anyone would care.
As I walked toward the church under the slow ringing of the bells, I tried to think of
Marian stories to tell, so that when people came up to me after the service and asked, “Were you
a friend of hers?” I would have proof of our connection, something substantial to show them
that I too had lost something when Marian left the world. But Marian had never been the type of
person who made for easy anecdotes: she was steady. We’d spend weekends together during the
semester sometimes, watching movies and talking and ordering Chinese, and on Mondays I’d tell
people I’d had an amazing weekend but be hard-pressed to make them understand why.
There was at least one story I could tell – I’d told it a thousand times, because it was
quintessentially Marian and yet the only story of its kind. It was Marian catching the light, just
for a moment, and glowing with it.
I’d come over to her dorm room one night to find her comparing paint swatches of off-
white beige with her off-white beige walls.
“What do you think?” she said, showing me the two closest matches. “Whitewashed
Taupe or Summer Sheep?”
I squinted at the blocks of color. There was the faintest difference. “Summer Sheep,” I
pronounced. “Why?”
Marian nodded and stepped back. “I’m going to paint my walls,” she said.
I raised an eyebrow skeptically. “You’re going to paint your walls the color they already
are?” I asked.
She cocked her head at me, which was her way of saying I sounded judgmental. I
respectfully removed the skepticism from my face in response.
“I’m going to paint them all sorts of colors, and then I’m going to paint them Summer
Sheep.”
This time I wasn’t judging; I was just confused. “Why?” I asked again.
“Because I’ll always know the color’s underneath,” she said. “And because Home Depot
is having a sale on paint.”
So that was that. We spent an entire weekend painting her walls. There was no pattern to
it: she’d paint bright swathes of red and cover them with smiley faces, and I spattered the paint
on like Jackson Pollock and made all kinds of flowers because they were all I knew how to draw.
Friends would wander in, drag a brush across the wall a couple times and wander out again. On
one wall Marian painted six large purple elephants.
“They don’t all have trunks,” I commented.
“I know,” she said. “But it’s their ears that make them cute.”
The result was a madness of colors and shapes, as if a hundred Crayola commercials had
exploded. We’d all written our names, somewhere or other, and the date. It was beautiful, and
Marian stood in her doorway looking at it all and grinning like I’d never seen before.
Two days later the paint was fully dry and Marian opened up six cans of Summer Sheep.
I worked on an essay on her bed in the center of the room while she rolled over our cacophony of
doodles with neat W-shaped strokes. It took three coats to satisfy her that the evidence was well
and truly hidden. When she was done the room looked exactly like it had before – a little better,
actually, because the scuff marks on the walls were gone.
“Well,” she said, “that was fun.” She threw away the paintbrushes, and the next weekend
we watched a movie.
The service was beautiful but restrained. They talked about Marian’s strength and
stoicism, her calm presence, her loyalty. Marian’s mother stood up and said that Marian had
been as perfect and serene as the water surrounding Mackinac. It was odd, to hear a daughter
described like that.
After the service I stood outside the church with the tightness of tearstains around my
eyes. I stared at its pristine white siding and wondered if Marian had somehow left an invisible
mark under its gleam, something I could stumble on with a few hours and a paint scraper. Maybe
I hadn’t paid enough attention – maybe everywhere she went she slipped herself into the context.
I tried to picture her poking little pieces of Marian-ity into pillows and underneath drawer
linings, or writing in heavy-papered cookbooks with white ink. I wondered how we had fallen
out of touch, exactly. Who had emailed last? I hoped it was me. I hoped against hope that she
had never been lying sick in a hospital bed on the mainland, wondering idly if I would manage to
respond to her last overture of communication before she was gone, trying to work up the energy
to tell me she was sick.
“Were you a friend of hers?”
I blinked away the blinding whiteness of the church and turned to smile a yes at whoever
had asked, but it turned out to be Marian’s mother, and I couldn’t. My face froze, guilty to be
caught even attempting a smile on an occasion that must be hideous to the exhausted woman
standing next to me.
A flicker of recognition crossed her features as I turned to face her full on.
“Oh,” she said. “Allie. From school – I recognize you from her pictures.”
I nodded.
“I’m so—” I choked the words out, forcing them from lungs that had suddenly
constricted. “I’m so sorry. I wish there was…” I trailed off, unable to finish the thought. The
woman’s daughter was dead; what did it matter if I wished there was something I could do?
She put her hand on my shoulder. “Thank you for coming, Allie,” she said, and turned
away.
I almost stopped her. I wanted to tell her the story of Marian’s walls, and give her that
moment of brightness; I wanted to make it worthwhile that I had come. But I thought of Marian
painting those steady Ws over her riotous coloring, without even taking a picture of it first, and I
thought of the way her mother had described her, and I decided I couldn’t. Not here in the place
where she must have known everyone; where she had been known by everyone, as sweet and
stoic and stable Marian. If Marian wanted her mother to know, she already knew. And if not –
well, it was a useless sort of loyalty, but it felt right.
There was a meal, served at wooden folding tables behind the church. No one I knew
had come to the funeral, but a garden of large pale bouquets near the podium had conveyed the
condolences of other college friends. I sat at the most remote table and talked to a distant cousin
of Marian’s about Mackinac winters.
When everything was done I decided to walk back down the hill to my hotel because my
shoes were sensible and I wanted to do something Marian had done. I scuffed along the dirt road,
listening to the clopping of horses in the distance and the rustling of squirrels. The houses were
beautiful there, surrounded by tall, spindly trees or overlooking the lake in all its vast expanse;
but it felt lonely, and limited. I missed Chicago’s crowds.
Around the time when my knees began to hurt and the light started to get dimmer, I heard
the beat of a horse’s hooves pacing up behind me. I stepped to the side of the road to let it pass,
but it slowed next to me and stopped. I looked up in surprise – my iPod driver, who had in fact
been at the service. He’d sat near the front.
“It’s a long walk,” he said. “I’ll take you the rest of the way down, if you’re tired.”
I hesitated at the thought of climbing back into his tumble dryer of a horse cart, but as the
sun set my sense of a long way down grew more forbidding. I knew there had been turns on the
way up – I didn’t think I’d know which turns, in the dark.
“Thank you,” I said, and moved to clamber into the back. I hesitated with one foot on the
step.
“Actually, can I – would it be okay if I sat up with you this time?” I asked, wanting, after
all, some proximity to another human being. The driver nodded and shifted courteously to the
left, and I carefully pulled myself up and settled a comfortable eight inches away from him.
We drove in silence for a few minutes, both staring at the horse and the road, until I heard
him clicking down the volume on his iPod.
“You knew her from college?” he said, glancing at me.
“Yeah,” I said, looking down at my hands, absently tapping one set of fingers on the
other. “She was a really good friend of mine.”
He nodded. “I used to drive her home from school, when we were younger.”
“Oh,” I said. “Like a…” I trailed off, unable to think of an appropriate synonym for
carpool.
“We were neighbors,” he explained. “I was a couple years older, she was just getting into
high school when I graduated. But before that.”
I made an empty sound of understanding and tried to picture taking a buggy home from school.
“This is it, actually,” the driver said, patting the side of the cart. “The one I used to drive
her in. I have a newer one, that’s nicer, obviously, but… I wanted to drive this one today. You
know?” His voice was thinner, a little forced. He looked out to the left, away from me, and
cleared his throat.
I sat motionless, brought back into sadness and unsure what to do. I thought of putting a
hand on his shoulder, but I was too much of a coward. Instead I nodded, out of his line of vision,
and asked him what Marian was like as a kid – praying that that wasn’t a wrong thing to ask, a
thoughtless thing to mention.
He let out a breath that was half-laugh. “She was an angel,” he said, and I felt oddly
disappointed. Then he turned back toward me, smiling a little.
“To most people, anyway. With me she was a total nutcase. She’d, uh…” He broke off,
laughing a little and shaking his head. “She’d take my lunches and somehow sneak out the good
stuff and leave these crazy notes in their place, but she’d never admit to it. The notes would say
stuff like, you know, squirrels had stolen my cookies to feed their starving children, and I could
accuse her for 20 minutes straight – match her handwriting, you know, find the plastic wrap in
her backpack, have all the evidence – and she’d just sit there innocent as can be. I never once got
her to admit it.”
I laughed, but the laugh was painful. How familiar that sounded, now that I thought about
it, little tricks and jokes she’d played coming back to me. How much I wanted to go back to
those little bright moments that sequined the fabric of our friendship, and this time truly notice
them. I’d always thought of myself as the funny one, the creative one, the leader, and yet Marian
had possessed these more spirited attributes. Looking back, I felt a sourness like humiliation.
“I always thought of her as a little sister,” the driver continued, in a tone that made me
wonder if he remembered I was there. “Until she came back from college the first year and she
was so… but by then it was too late to…I was older, you know, done with college, working. I’d
just gotten married.” He tried to remove the significance from the last word, but it left behind a
significance-shaped hole, and hung in the air still speaking long after he’d stopped.
I’m sorry, I wanted to say, but didn’t. “She was good at hiding,” I said instead, mostly
thinking of my own regrets, trying to assuage my own guilt.
To my surprise he nodded. “She was great at it. I don’t think anyone ever saw all of her.
At least not all at once. You know?”
“Yeah,” I said. I did know.
I thought about telling a story, continuing the conversation; but I felt that my companion
had said what he’d needed to say – to me anyway, to a stranger who didn’t know him or his wife.
And I certainly wasn’t going to pile my regrets on top of his. I needed my own stranger, someone
who hadn’t known Marian. So I said nothing, leaning back against the worn wood of the cart.
The darkness had gotten fuller, but the horse had a headlamp, so the way ahead was clear.
Going downhill must have smoothed the motion, somehow, because the ride wasn’t nearly as
jolting as before. I closed my eyes and the cart rocked me, side to side, back and forth, to the
measured clopping of the horse and the distant shifting of the lake. After a moment, I heard the
driver click up his volume again.

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Word-Inflation

by  Rebecca Rothfeld ’14

‘None even come close, the words.’
‘Word-inflation,’ Stice says, rubbing at his crewcut so his forehead wrinkles and clears.

–David Foster Wallace, Infinite Jest

Ferdinand Pierce extinguished his mutilated cigar in the ashtray to his left and thumped his meaty fist against the table. Perversely intrigued by the spectacle of his hand’s initial contact with the tabletop and subsequent expansion into a fleshy pulp, board members fell silent.
“Gentlemen,” Ferdinand said.
His audience widened its eyes, which widening was the Universal Symbol of Attentiveness.
“I’ve called you together to avert immanent crisis,” continued Ferdinand, all in one breath. “You represent the brightest minds of the Communication Corporation™” (the tacit “TM” unarticulated but undeniably present) “and America’s only hope.” He placed his hands on his heavy stomach in a gesture of support. “As you gentlemen know, The Communication Corporation™” (ditto) “is without competitors in its sector, save for The United States Manufacturers of Brail, who, rather obviously, have a very limited customer base.”
His statement was met with eye-widening signifying agreement (signifying also recognition of the subtly derisive unspoken omission of the unspoken “TM” which, rightfully, belonged at the end of “The United States Manufacturers of Brail”—an unstated slight only a room of Communication Corporation™ specialists could detect).
“Well, gentlemen, we’re about to return to a state of communicative anarchy. To the time of interpretative chaos.”
The board members, well versed in the Corporation™’s history, knew that the two preferred modes of expression prior to the invention of Words©, patented by the Corporation™ in their most rudimentary form early in the 1950s and perfected by the 80s (though never completed, as that was a poor business model), had been 1) elaborate pantomime and 2) flag semaphore. The transition to Words© had been gradual and had faced resistance from semaphoric scholars, who claimed the translation of silent works into Words© was near impossible and who violently gesticulated something to this effect at a series of wordless hearings. Academia opposed the operation, conspicuously not-articulating complaints that the proposed system was capitalistic, homogenizing, and impersonal, that to mass-produce communication undermined its private character, robbing each utterance of its singularity. In a deliberately vocal press-release, the then young (and surprisingly thin) Ferdinand Pierce had delivered the compelling counterargument that the effect of myriad individual languages (the accepted and inevitable result of speech-by-semaphore, a notoriously hermeneutically challenging medium, and speech-by-elaborate-pantomime, an art long considered to be the same. Since, both events have been incorporated into the Olympics, in formal recognition of their difficulty) was universal misunderstanding. This simple argument secured the Corporation™’s virtual monopoly on communication. The board members nodded in acknowledgement of the above specificities, all of which were implicit in Ferdinand’s statement, present in the interstices between his Words© (something only a trained Communication™ professional could be expected to recognize. This, incidentally, was the reason Implications© had been such an unsuccessful product, lasting only a month on the market and incurring monumental net losses).
Satisfied that they had understood, Ferdinand proceeded. “Throughout the Corporation™’s history, we’ve never been faced with as severe an inflationary cycle. As you know, Words© were initially in such high demand that we could barely meet it. Of course, since then, we’ve managed to expand our production capacity substantially, and we’re able to donate Words© to charities at minimal cost to the company and at maximum benefit to our public image.”
The board members knew he was referring primarily to the Articles© and Prepositions© lines, which were staples in any basic vocabulary, and which the Corporation™ allowed the government to distribute in basic welfare packages, along with food stamps and health insurance, for a reduced fee. Annually, the Corporation™, motivated by some combination of philanthropic seasonal spirit and concern for appearances, gave away baskets of Words© in the Ye Olde English© and Vintage 70s Slang© lines—lines that were doing poorly in standard retail settings anyway (something which, the Corporation™ adamantly maintained, had nothing to do with their selection as the Words© in the yearly giveaway baskets).
“But, gentlemen, the entire American economy has become dependent on the Love© line, a line whose production, I’m afraid, we’ve disastrously bungled.”
The board members, accustomed to Ferdinand’s habit of stopping just short of his meaning, as waves stopped just short of mid-beach, had grown expert at the art of Ferdinand-interpretation, and were well-informed enough to supply for themselves those vital pieces of information which he neglected to mention or euphemistically passed over. This was a prime example of the latter tactic. The Corporation™, in a gross initial underestimation of Love Words© success, had manufactured a number incapable of meeting market demand. Indeed, tales from this time of scarcity persisted, and, allegedly, words like “love,” “dear,” and “adore” had acquired, in their rarity, such a staggering value that to possess them sent people into ecstasies. These stories, to the modern and well-stocked American, had the “when-I-was-your-age-I-walked-miles-to-school-in-the-snow” quality of fiction, and were not widely believed. It was historical fact, however, that Love Words© had once been remarkably expensive. The couples who’d been privileged enough to own Words© of such immense worth and such incredible meaning were so few that they were all well-documented, the most celebrated example being that of Lauren Bacall and Humphrey Bogart, who won their set in an elite auction for the price of 20 million dollars (a sum worth more prior to subsequent inflation). There were rumours of imprudent couples who had sacrificed everything to purchase Love Words© and financially crippled themselves in the process. Reportedly, such couples were so enthralled with the new horizons of Communication™ opened to them that they hardly cared or remarked upon their living conditions. One such couple, the owners of a French edition of Love Words©, had been reduced to extreme poverty but had not even noticed until years later, when they found themselves suddenly destitute, which events reportedly forced them to deal in black market puns (an endeavor producing more financial difficulties in that it necessitated the further purchase of a Secondary Associations© set) in order to subsist. But, legend had it, even then, the couple was blissfully happy, steeped in incomparably valuable meaning, able to Communicate™ so fully that their entire frame of reference was shared. Love Words© were so rare, it was said, that each time one was spoken, it had the novelty of a word never-before-heard, a color never-before-seen, a pitch never-before-sung, and as such evoked indescribable sensations. Love Words© were startling each time they were repeated; they were forever unsettling, so strange and shocking that their owners never grew immune to their power. To own them was to learn them anew each time one spoke them, it was said, as to love was to fall in love with the object of adoration at each encounter [1]. This particularly popular account was generally considered to be the fabrication of the Corporation™’s wily advertising department, as such happenings appeared unrealistic to the point of unimaginability to jaded modern listeners, who were quick to point out that it was near impossible to ignore the indignity of operating a Punnery, even Paris’s first, in this era of directness and maximized efficiency.
Regardless.
The Communication Corporation™, upon realizing Love Words©’ profitable potential, launched an advertising campaign written by Pablo Neruda and entitled 20 Love Poems and a Song of Despair, a initiative purported to be the most moving and effective in advertising history. Again, however, the Corporation™ issued too few sets, provoking consumer outrage. In a final attempt to correct their error, the Corporation™ had so excessively overcompensated that the market was practically flooded with Love Words©, now purchased for any and all occasions. The phrase “I love you [2]” quickly replaced “thank you” as the country’s most common phrase. It became a response to almost anything, from the provision of information regarding weather conditions to the loan of a pencil. The preponderance of love served to quickly devalue Love Words©. In a touching and ironic return to the favoured speech patterns of the Silent Time, the romantic few relied on symbols—flowers, chocolates, and the like.
The board members knew all this. Some widened their eyes; others nodded.
“The Corporation™ won’t go under,” Ferdinand said, slapping the table heartily. “We’ve got lines whose obscurity renders them inflation-proof. The Literary Language© line, for one, is absolutely unsusceptible. Rare editions of the Philosophical Terms© line are priced at around a billion dollars. They’ve maintained their value and appeal. Gentlemen, I am not concerned for the company. No, I am concerned for America, for its integrity, for its ongoing economic and expressive crisis. And so, gentlemen, I turn to you to save the Love Line©, which, I will add parenthetically (is not our sole source of revenue but was, until this latest inflationary cycle, extremely lucrative). Gentlemen?”
The question hung in the air.

Silence. The board could not find words radical enough for their thoughts.

————————————————————————————————————————————-
1 Love©, Fall in Love©, and Object of Adoration© are the exclusive property of The Communication Corporation™.
2 Also the exclusive property of The Communication Corporation™–increasingly unenviably, much to the Corporation™’s dismay.

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The Undead

by  Billy Zou ’12

            
Though I know that evenin’s empire has returned into sand
Vanished from my hand
Left me blindly here to stand but still not sleeping
My weariness amazes me, I’m branded on my feet
I have no one to meet
And the ancient empty street’s too dead for dreaming
-Bob Dylan
A hushed stillness befalls Webster Avenue on Wednesday evenings when the rooms and basements of the houses close temporarily to outsiders to accommodate weekly meetings. Prior to ten o’clock small crowds of young men and women fill up the sidewalks, some by themselves but most in groups, a few dressed in formalwear or others in taut, garish flair, breathing in the languid night air as they sift through the avenue into their respective houses.
On such a night Matthew, a new brother at his house, is standing by the door. Someone would knock – two short raps repeated three times with pauses in between ― and he would open it. Sometimes the brothers yell: ―Open the door pledge! But his job is to not open the door unless they knocked the right way.
―Hey man, what’s up Danny, hey Chris, Jake, Alex, Pluto, how’s it going. Presently he lets in a big group and they ruffle his hair and bump fists on the way in.
―Come on Mike, it’s cold outside.
―Actually I’m Matt, but that’s okay.
Matt recognizes Robert, the president, black, broad-shouldered, and elegant. Jeremy comes in with him and they exchange greetings with Matt.
―Let’s go up. I think we’re the last ones.
In the upstairs room thirty or so are gathered, some lounging on the couches and others standing and talking. Around the room at one end there’s a widescreen TV, the circle of couches with tables in the middle, a refrigerator and bar at the other end topped with red beer cups and handles of liquor. Along the walls there are bookshelves and cabinets encasing plaques and trophies. Old posters and news clippings have been coated into the walls to avoid fire regulations. From the ceiling hangs a small chandelier.
Robert, the president, stands up on a table and pulls a name out of a hat. ―Pluto!
Pluto whose real name everyone seems to forget replaces Robert on top of the table. He’s holding two cups in his hands and a circle of beers are placed at his feet.
―It’s been a pretty crazy week, uh… He drinks one of the cups. ―Let’s see, I found out that my little sister is coming to Dartmouth, so that’s pretty cool. Cheers from the room. ―Hey, watch it. He chugs the other one.
―That’s all. He climbs back down but knocks over one of the cups on the table. A pledge comes over and cleans up the beer with a roll of paper towels.
―Matt, come here. This is Jeremy, one of the greatest guys I know.
―I think we’ve met. They shake hands. ―I hear you like to play squash.
―Matt, we need two more beers.
―I’m Mike. He’s Matt, says Mike, pointing.
―Pledges don’t have names.
Robert stands up and draws another name. ―Peter Jacobs.
―He’s not here.
―Where is PJ? I thought I saw him earlier.
―I think he’s at K_ pre-tails.
Robert resigns to his absence and shuffles the papers around. ―Jeremy, he grins, pointing to his friend who is standing across the room.
Jeremy finishes the beer in his hand and gets up onto the table. He deliberates, then shrugs. ―Emma and I broke up, so there’s that. He grabs a cup from his feet and knocks it back casually. The room seems to quiet down. He puts it down then gets a couple more.
―I’ve been working a lot with my ENGS group on our project. He chugs the one in his left hand, that’s two. ―We’re trying to build an automated ladder…Three. ―To help firefighters get up and down as quickly as possible. Four. ―The thing is it’s harder than it sounds because… five…though the mechanism is well established…six…
―What happened with your girl, Jerm?
Jeremy pauses, and no one is talking. ―I don’t know, he shrugs. ―We’re both pretty busy. Maybe she’s found someone more extraordinary.
―It’s been what, two years?
―Sounds like a bitch dude! Someone shouts.
―Shut up, says Pluto. ―He doesn’t know what he’s talking about.
Jeremy goes on. ―I talked to Kathy about our UFC funding the other day. Seven. He stumbles and hurls and someone brings over a trash can. They help him down from the table.
―I have an idea, says Robert. ―Why don’t we move tails to another night. I think it’d be cool to do something with just the guys.
―Zombies, someone suggests.
―Zombies! And everyone is shouting at once.
―Want to play, Jeremy?
―What’s Zombies? Someone whispers.
―Pledgucators?
Someone steps up onto the table. ―For those who are ignorant, Zombies is one of the beloved traditions in the house. The rules are simple. First, all the lights in the house are turned off. Two people start out being zombies, making known their identity as such by repeating ―Braaains! once every ten seconds at minimum, and may only move stiffly at a moderate pace. Everyone else is a hapless human, and thus will run, hide or do anything they must to stay alive. Anywhere in the house is game. However two humans will be armed with squirt guns with which to defend themselves. Depending on the rules, a zombie who is hit by water must remain paralyzed for ten seconds or is converted back into a human. However if a human gets tagged by a zombie, he is turned into a zombie. Any questions?
―Also bathrooms are out of bounds!
The count begins and bodies are scrambling up and down the stairs, into crawlspaces, behind shelves and curtains, under tables and counters. When they used to play sometimes the brothers would invite their girlfriends over, and the girls would be delighted by the initiation even though the game was ostensibly juvenile and unromantic. When the games started they would go off in pairs, hiding in the dark corners of the house, where the thrill of being discovered was compounded by pitch blackness and the moans of the undead, and the games rarely ended with a winner.
Jeremy wanders down by the pool room where once all the couches and chairs had been stacked impenetrably on top of and against the oak pool table for the summer. He sees shadows moving inside but he stands by the doorway briefly, his eyes still adjusting to the darkness.
They had climbed in and made an alcove out of two couches propped up against the chairs and the pool table. She’d pressed him to the floor, leaning down and her hair washing over his face, whispered things in his ear he didn’t think a girl like Emma knew to whisper. And she told him that she loved him, and she told him that he was the best person that she’d ever known.
No one came to look for them and they lay there and talked, one half of their faces dappled in shadows and the moonlight that came in through the window.
―These things you tell me about, you should talk to Robert or the other execs. Maybe they turn a blind eye and ignore that there’s a darker side to all of this. But they’d respect what you have to say. There’s more to it, too―you can do a great thing for this school. You, nobody else.
―I don’t know, everybody has their opinions.
―You can’t save anyone if you’re so afraid of hurting anyone.
―How about when I saved that girl from hypothermia.
She smiled. ―Well you got me wet. And she’d kissed him then, but as time passed it must have become apparent to her that he would never do the great thing she wanted him to, whatever it might have been, nor perhaps any great thing at all.
Someone runs down past him from above, and he hears the voice of zombie Robert coming down the hall. He goes up the stairs, and stopping at the landing between the second and third floors he notices the window over the roof and quickly he opens it, climbs out and shuts it behind him.
The brisk night air soothes his nerves and he walks out close to the edge of the tiled roof which slants southward to the street. When he visited his brother who had also been a member of the house there had been a roof deck where the third story is now, and he remembers watching hazily the murky, mercurial world below unfold from such a distance, the precession of wraithlike figures, as if held captive by some Jungian unconscious, callous and feral. Emma had said: ―It’s like the sun goes down and everybody loses their minds.
But then there was the energy, the overlapping beats of the music flowing out onto the avenue, the collective pulse of the weekend crowds. The seductive heat of summer. The supple, aloof bodies and tinkling of laughter.
The stars aren’t out yet and there are not many people out and about. Across the street is Kappa_ and all the lights in the house are on, and he remembers that there is a tails event or something similar. She lives in the house but her room is on the other side; most of the windows are covered and he can only make out silhouettes.
His eyes drift away from the house and he notices two people walking off the sidewalk from one of the houses up the street, talking loud and brusquely. One of them wears a Dartmouth sweatshirt and the other an athletic jacket and baseball cap. They spot him on the roof and one points him out to the other, pausing short of the house they turn toward him and casually shout: ―Jump!
―Jump! ―What are you waiting for?
He imagines they are just walking by so he ignores it. But they’ve stopped now before the lawn and don’t seem intent on going.
―Jump! One calls to him, snickering. ―Come on, let’s see it.
Jeremy smiles. ―You guys want a beer? Or maybe you’re looking for a fight.
―Hard guy.
―Watch out, he’s going to karate kick you from the roof. ―I bet he could do it.
―Well come on, stop wasting time.
Silence.
―Jump, motherfucker.
Someone inside the house sees him through the window. ―Look, someone’s on the roof. Braaaains. It’s Matt.
―Braaains! Hey, is that Jeremy? Robert comes over to see.
―Is it legal to be outside on the roof like that?
Robert taps on the window. ―Hey Jerm, you probably shouldn’t be on the roof. Then he hears the shouting from the street and slowly his dark, jovial face turns menacing.
He opens the window. ―Hey you idiots! Robert roars. ―It’s Wednesday, we’re playing a game, so fuck off.
―Yeah fuck you! The kid beside him chimes in.
They chuckle. ―I love the kind of games where someone jumps off a roof. ―What are you waiting for? They single him out. ―Afraid you’ll twist your ankle?
Matt pulls out his squirt gun and tries to hit them with the jets of water.
//
Claire wades through the room with a half-empty wineglass and finds Emma by the bar with Will. ―Hey Em, you should probably see this.
―What’s up? She asks, but Claire’s expression is serious. The three of them make their way back through the crowd toward the French windows leading to the balcony.
They step out onto the balcony with its white balusters, and look out across the street.
―Can you see who it is? asks Will.
Emma can see, and she feels the panic well up inside of her. Her senses sharpen and the alcohol drain from her head. She feels her heart race, the air press up against her lungs.
―¬You guys should go back inside.
Claire nods. ―Should I call S&S?
Emma thinks. ―No, don’t. Her eyes trace out the scene. She can hear the two boys shouting from the street and Robert’s roaring voice from the open second-story window.
―Dude you can’t get on the roof and then not jump. What kind of shit is that.
―You need to fuck off right now.
Claire puts her hand on Will’s shoulder. ―Come on.
―I’ll wait for Emma. Shouldn’t we call S&S?
―She’ll be right in. Claire brings him inside and whispers something but they stand and watch by the window.
Emma inhales sharply. ―Hey. But her voice dissolves thinly into the commotion. ―Hey! Now they turn their heads to see.
―What’s your name? She calls to them on the street. They turn away to ignore her, but this incenses her more. ―Hey! I asked you a question. What’s your name? I’m talking to you. My name’s Emma, what’s yours?
Jeremy sees her now. She’s wearing a yellow dress like the one she wore with him to Lake Champlain. There had been a formal on a boat out on the lake and music and dancing and there’d been a girl who had drank too much and fallen overboard, and he’d jumped in and pulled her out of the water while her date stood there and watched. It makes him dizzy to think about it now. His knees felt weak and he imagines momentarily the sensation of falling, the soft loamy impact of earth against his skull.
The boy in the sweatshirt whispers something to his friend. He pulls the hood over his head, his voice lackluster now and humorless. ―We’re not leaving until you jump, so you might as well get it over with.
Emma knew she had them. ―Hey I know who you are! She’s talking to their backs. ―You work in the President’s office. Your name’s Colin and his is Parker. You, you’re one of the Tucker chairs, aren’t you? I think we took a skiing class together one time.
―What the fuck? They try to laugh it off. ―Who is this girl? Do you know her?
―Let’s go, I don’t want anything to do with this.
―He’s not going to do it, let’s go.
One of them shouts back to her. ―Hey, I don’t who you’re talking about. They walk off slowly toward the library, their forms folding into the shadows, join once more the lurching, faceless figures of night.
Emma exhales. ― Jeremy you idiot, get off the roof. Go inside, you’re drunk.
―We were playing zombies. He smiles.
They stand there for a minute, her on the balcony and him on the roof. Emma with her hands curled up against the railing, Jeremy with his hands in his pockets, shoulders leaned back like he’s out observing the stars, their breath fogging up the air between their faces, and it’s not very far across from one side of Webster to the other or it’s true that the houses change their places because on some nights it seems that it’s an eternity escaping from the stale, musty underground to the comfort of the Choates and other nights it’s hardly a walk and yet others they all melt together indistinguishably…
―Rob help get him back inside, can’t you see he can’t stand straight. He’s going to slip and fall, he’s going to get arrested.
Robert steps through the window and grabs hold of Jeremy’s shoulder. ―Hey, come on. Hey Jerm. Let’s find some people with brains.
Jeremy pauses, his back turned to the people watching from the house, then smiling he reaches out toward her into the night with his limp, undead arms, and Emma looks at him, and she holds up her hands locked into the shape of a gun, and fires a single shot through the dark, impalpable stillness of Webster Avenue.

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Trains

by Huan He ’13

             When I want to really think, I mean really think, I like to fill my head with monotonous noise. For example, about five days after my 17th birthday, I sat on the roof of my house thinking and listening to trains aggressively drone past. I know this might sound counterintuitive to some people; especially those who like to contemplate in silence. But to me, the deafening silence pulls on my psyche. Only on rare days in my hectic life do I get to experience silence, turning the quietness into an experience of distracting sublimity. So I like to think while listening to trains, traffic, or even background conversation.
             That’s why I almost didn’t hear him when he first spoke to me. I was deep in mindless thought while chucking rocks toward the direction of the speeding locomotive. Then, a voice that sounded like he was speaking in ALL CAPS called to me.
             “Hey kid, can I ask you a question?”
             I was slightly startled. It’s easy to forget that other people live in the town when all I see is the brilliant blue Nebraskan sky and the vastness of the railroad. But I looked down.
             He was about five foot two and wore black socks in sandals. He sported a black shirt that stated “FBI: Female Body Inspector,” wore thin black glasses, and his hair looked like he had been rolling around in the grass. Without paying much attention, one might think that he was only 13 years old. But I definitely recognized him as someone from my small town high school.
             “What’s up?” I responded.
             “You’re Peter? You’re friends with Beth, right? I recognize you as someone in her posse. Anyway, my name is Seth, and I was wondering if you would support me in the Student Council election this coming Monday. I’m running for President. And can you tell your friends to vote for me as well?” He squinted at me, waiting for a response and trying to shield his eyes from the blinding sun.
“Why the fuck should I do that?” I said carelessly. I was in one of those indifferent moods.
             However, I could see I struck a nerve. Seth looked as if I had simultaneously excited him and slapped him in the face. “You think the new administration is doing anything good for our school? All they’ve done is screw up our dining options, change our school calendar, create the most pathetic joke-of-a-study hall period that just gives the kids in our already-failing school system less time with teachers. And the worst part is that nobody cares. I think it’s all so sad. I think it’s because they think we don’t care, they can get away with it. If you vote for me for President, then I’ll do something about it. I know I won’t have that much power, but still, the administration will have to at least hear me out. At the very least, I’ll get on the administration’s nerves.
             A train blasted by in full force.
             “Like it’ll really matter,” I said. “I mean, your idea sounds great and all, but like you said, none of the administrators care. Even worse, none of the students care. Most students are so psyched to just get a job these days and get their high school diploma that the last thing they want to do is actually learn. Why does it even matter when everyone in our class is going to end up living in this same town or another shittier town and married to someone else whose only dream for the future is to get a steady job at the local gas station. They don’t care because nobody cares. Even if they are smart and know better, they still don’t care.”
             “Do you care?”
             At the same moment I was about to respond, another train engine overpowered my voice.

~~~

             I started to notice Seth more and more at school. He didn’t win the Student Council election for President (Kylee Pierce, one of the bimbos of the school ended up winning because she had recently led the girls’ basketball team to a state championship). However, something about my rooftop conversation with him resonated with me. He was one of those kids that you probably saw all the time but didn’t know it, and now I just recognized him all the time, especially everyday at lunch. He would usually grab a slice of the cafeteria’s stale cardboard pizza and sit in a computer lab to finish his lunch in solitude. He usually kept to himself, but he never seemed bored. This day was one of those days where everything went well for me, and I feel particularly bold. So I decided to join him. I slowly opened the door to the computer lab and was greeted with a rush of A/C.
             “Hey,” I said.
             He turned around and stared at me. For a second, I thought he was going to ask me who I was. But his answer indicated his familiarity.
             “What do you want?”
             I quickly replied, a little startled by the confrontational response. “I was just sick of the cafeteria scene. Too many people all talking about the same crap they talk about everyday. Do you mind if I join you in here?”
             He shrugged.
             “What are you working on?” I asked.
             “Oh, I’m just working on a screenplay that I’ve been writing for the past few months.”
             “Can I read it?” I asked.
             “No.”
             The computer whirred. Seth continued to tap on the keyboard, creating what appeared to be a masterpiece on the computer. The writing was formatted to look like a real script. From what I could tell, the piece was a melodrama of some sort, an emo-saturated piece with the main character contemplating suicide. I liked it.
             “Don’t you have some other work to do? Or somewhere else to be?”
             “Yeah, probably,” I said.
             I watched as he typed more words. I was waiting for the perfect moment to tell him.
             “Hey, I’m sorry about the election. I know you really wanted to win. You would have been a good President,” I said.
He paused and looked as if he was about to say something immediately, but the moment passed. He just looked down at his keyboard. I thought he was going to remain quiet, but then he spoke.
             “I just think we could do so much better, you know? Is it wrong of me to actually care? Or am I just being stupid? I mean, I look at these students who just are so smart, who are so talented. But then in class, they just don’t give a shit. At all. They don’t care, and the administration definitely doesn’t care. As long as they graduate high school, the administration wouldn’t give two shits about whether they even go to college or not.”
             “Yeah, it’s fucked up,” I replied.
             His eyes shot me a piercing glance. “See, why do you curse?”
             “I…uh…,” I stuttered.
             “I know you know better. I know for a fact that you are smarter than that. Remember? We had 3rd year English together.”
I didn’t remember this fact at all.
“You probably were the best student in that class. I just don’t see why you have to lower yourself to that.”
             Seth had a valid point. But, before I could respond, the school bell buzzed the usual drone, and I left Seth in the lab typing away the day.

~~~

             It was about mid-school year now, and the days became lazier. The harsh Nebraska winter was nobody’s friend and all the students in the school seemed especially deflated. Nobody was especially motivated to succeed, and everybody just went through the daily motions.
             I had been spending a lot of time with Seth. I just happened to bump into him everywhere, and we eventually just started spending almost every lunch together in Computer Lab A. Sometimes, I would help him with his screenplay, or we would just sit and talk about the things we wanted to do after we left high school. I really hadn’t thought about any of this much, but Seth did.
             “I just want to go to college in a large city, you know. I don’t even care which city. I could care less if I get lung cancer from all the pollution or get mugged by a rando. I just can’t take these small towns anymore. It’s too suffocating. Sometimes, I’ll walk around and think about how my life is just withering away every time I hear the trains cruise through town and am reminded of the fact I live in this town.”
This computer lab at lunch became a second home for us, but eventually, we would start spending a lot of time together throughout the day and outside of school as well.

             I realized that life goes in cycles, that when things start going your way, it’ll usually stay that way for a while. And everything will be nice. No problems at school, at home, or with friends. But happiness is only temporary, and sooner or later, something goes wrong. That’s when you realize how powerless you really are.
             It was in the middle of February, and Seth was getting ready to head over to my house. I was waiting for him down the hall where I saw him putting books into his locker. A couple of boys in cowboy boots and overalls walked behind Seth, talking to each other. At first, I didn’t make anything of it. Then, the larger of the two checked Seth into his locker. A loud bang followed, and the boys disappeared around the corner of the hall.
             I ran towards Seth worried and furious.
             “Are you ok?” I asked. “What happened? Who were those guys?”
             Seth’s eyes were wide and frantic. He was out of breath, but he immediately got up and continued to put books into his locker.
             “What are you talking about? I am fine. They just accidentally bumped into me. That’s all.”
             “What?” I asked. “That was definitely not just an accident. Who are they?”
             “None of your business.”
             “Dude, I’m just looking out for you,” I said.
             Seth slammed his locker shut, picked up his backpack, and walked away without a word.
             I called after him. “Hey! I’m just trying to help!”
             He snapped around. His face was glowing red, flushed from anger. “What are you going to do, huh? You can’t do anything. Nobody can. I’ve talked to the administration about this, and they don’t care. They told me to go talk to my guidance counselor who doesn’t give a shit.”
             “Why didn’t you tell me?” I asked.
             I could see his eyes glistening with tears behind his now-crooked glasses as he spoke. “I didn’t want to bring you into this.”
             ‘Why? That’s why I am here. I’m always here for you,” I said.
             “You know, I don’t even know what I did to them. It doesn’t even matter now. You wouldn’t have been able to do anything anyway. I’ve dealt with this way too long. But you know, shit happens. That’s why I want to leave this town, this fucked up town.”
             I stared into his sorrowful eyes without a clue of what I should do next.

~~~

             A month passed, and so did any discussion of the incident between Seth and me. Occasionally, Seth would enter a depression, and I knew something had happened. But he would never want to talk about it. He was the best at pretending, actually. Not because he was usually successful at hiding his emotions but because he was able to consistently wear a fake smile to cover his emotions up. It was one of those lifeless smiles, the kind that you see people wear when they try too hard to make a good first impression. Seth was a master at it.
             Sometimes, I would see that he’d have a busted lip. Seth would write it off as a bad fall. Other times, he looked as if he was about to cry at any moment.
             I remember one afternoon afterschool when I was in Seth’s room in the basement of his house. We were studying for calculus together when we heard a truck drive past the house. Before we could go look at the window to see who it was, a rock smashed through the basement window. Shards flew everywhere. I couldn’t tell what was more frightening: the shards or the loud bang.
             Seth did not utter a word.
             “What was that?” I asked.
             “I…”
             This was the first time in my life that I saw real fear. Seth tried to formulate words, but none left his mouth.
             “Are you ok?” I asked.
             The old grandfather clock in the room ticked away slowly, making me frighteningly aware of the reality of what had just occurred.
             “I…I can’t do this.”
             Lost for any words of comfort, I approached Seth and embraced him.

             One brisk spring morning, I woke up to my phone ringing obnoxiously. I thought it was my alarm at first, but as I drifted into consciousness, I realized it was Seth’s caller ringer. I was so exhausted from the previous night of studying for calculus, that I just let the call go to voicemail.
When I finally rolled out of bed, I sluggishly reached for my phone to play the voicemail. Seth’s voice spoke.
             “Hey Peter, it’s Seth.” His voice sounded shakier, as if he was either out of breath or just plain cold.
             “I didn’t know how to tell you this, but I’m gone. I can’t tell you where I’ve gone, but just know that I’ve finally left. I’m finally free, Peter. I can’t tell you how amazing this feels. I just feel so…free. I wanted to tell you that. Maybe we’ll run into each other sometime, you know? Life can be weird like that.”
             I don’t know why, but I just stood there gawking at the phone for what seemed like a full minute. When I finally grasped my consciousness, my first instinct was to run to Seth’s house. So I ran and ran in my boxer shorts towards the corner house. I banged on the door, and his mom opened it with a frantic look on her face. I could tell she had been crying and that she knew. She was holding a note in her hand that Seth left her.
             She told me that she had just called the police, and that they would be arriving in five minutes.
             The police? This all seemed too real, and I just couldn’t sit still. I thought maybe by some stroke of luck that he was still in town. So I ran toward the train station, hoping with all my heart that I would find him waiting on a bench. Even though in my heart I knew it was impossible, I still ran.
             In the distance, I heard the booming sound of a train get softer and quieter. But I kept running. My legs pumped faster than they ever did in my life. It seemed like the faster I ran, the quieter the train became. Finally, my legs felt numb, and I clasped my knees gasping for air. The train was gone, and I listened to the silence ring.

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Heading Home

by Nick Jensen ’15

Ted yawned. “Don’t worry, sweetie, we’re almost home. You can sleep then,” said his mother, Julie. Ted’s father, Dalton, turned the car onto West Cedargrove, a few streets from Poplar,where the Birkner family lived. This was the turn off the foggy interstate into the darkened residential streets, the turn that always heralded the pull into the driveway and the hauling of luggage and finally, the return to normalcy after a week of hotels and photographs. Ted rubbed his eyes and tucked his arms into the sleeves of his juice-stained “I ♥ NY” t-shirt to keep warm.

“Did you have fun, Teddy?” asked Julie, stifling a yawn. It was 1:30. Dalton hadn’t wanted to pay for another night in a hotel.

Ted nodded in the dark. He felt that if he said something, it would intensify his tiredness. “What was your favorite thing?”

Ted considered this a moment, and decided on, “The hot dogs.” Julie began to laugh, but a yawn stopped her. Dalton said nothing. He wanted to concentrate. The soda he drank at the oasis to fight his descent into sleep had worn off or failed to work. At 11:00, passing through Ohio, Julie asked if he wanted her to drive the rest of the way, but he hadn’t.

Dalton turned onto Birchtree, the last street before Poplar. The headlight illuminated the lawns the car passed in a strange blue-green. The moon shone above the dim streetlamps.

“Oh!” yelled Julie as they passed a slight bend in the road. She pointed ahead and Dalton braked. Ted forgot to be tired and leapt up.

A buck and a doe crossed the paved gravel a few yards ahead of the car. The doe had paused in the street, a bit to the left of the center. The buck had been cantering across but stopped and turned toward the doe. Both pricked up their ears and listened to the still night. Neither really looked into the headlights of the car for more than a moment as they surveyed the street. Ted strained against his seatbelt and grabbed his father’s headrest for balance as he watched, entranced.

The houselights were off; no other cars had passed since they had turned onto Cedargrove. The deer stalled for a few more seconds and passed on into the yard across the street. Neither Dalton nor Julie nor, of course, Ted knew the people who lived in this house. They had a large backyard that was visible as you drove by, and a flowering crape myrtle near the front porch.

Ted became aware of the roll of the car’s engine, and heard his father fiddle with some machinery until the car again accelerated. He shrunk back into his seat.

“Well, how about that,” said Julie. “I wonder where they find food to eat? Or where their homes are?”

Dalton turned onto Poplar. Julie fished something out of the glove compartment and packed it in her purse. Ted stared back through the rear window into the hidden, fading night, where flying squirrels leapt through the sycamores and opossums lay dead in the hollows, where owls shrieked their violent war calls and pierced the windy, bluestem plains with their talons, where men with guns and winter furs ran triumphant into the forest, hunting skulking panthers and crying, I claim this land for America.

 

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The Botch of Egypt

by Rebecca Rothfeld ’14


The LORD will smite thee with the botch of Egypt, and with the emerods, and with the scab, and with the itch, whereof thou canst not be healed.

- Deuteronomy 28:27

            Her left knee itched. She thought it might be rude to interrupt his grunting efforts or to cease her approving yelping or even to readjust so the weight of him no longer rested on the offending knee; she felt it was her obligation to appear at all times consumed by a pleasure so intense it bordered on pain, a pleasure inhabiting her so completely that it dispelled internal narratives and minor sensations of thirst or hunger or itchiness, dispelled even the narrative of consciously dispelling narrative and even the narrative dispelling this. She felt that even now the distant thrusting above her should incite in her the wildest throes of primordial rapture. But her left knee itched. She could not think her way around the itch.  All tactile feeling was concentrated in concentric circles of prickling, set into rippling motion by the impact of this initial itch, ringing the central and original point of irritation. The knee in question grew enlarged, engorged. It swelled to enormous proportions and cast shadows over the rest of her body. It expanded to fill the space of her consciousness. The itching welled up in her ears. The itching rose up in her throat.  She could barely guide her steady moans of imitated pleasure around its obtrusive presence and towards the place where she estimated his ears might be, ears she imagined were eagerly opened like gaping mouths, awaiting her vocal commentary and favorable judgment so that they might consume it. But the itch drowned all this out, diluted all other concentrated thoughts with the strength of itself, and outsung the highest, loudest peaks of her frantic gasping. The itch commandeered her musings on the itch, enveloping them, colonizing them, taking them into its own substance. She itched. She itched and itched and itched. She convulsed with itch. Her skin crawled with itch. She was only itch.

She heard a distant utterance above her and realized absently that he was addressing a direct statement to her, to which propriety necessitated she respond (propriety reigning supreme even here, amidst facial contortions and inhuman groaning and one-leg-trapped beneath-another and sticky wet sounds of unknown origin issuing from some crevice presumably hot and damp and private, and how far this was, much to her now jaded disappointment, from the liaisons she’d dreamt and hoped, where she’d moved inevitably, with the certainty of instinct and need. Her counterpart was to have known, but how she could not have said, not only her every want and thought and wish but also her physical intentions, and he was to have waited ahead for her at some future moment of pleasure and needing, and here at this crossroads of desire they were to have met and intersected and dissolved into each other somewhat like sugar and water).

“What?” she said.

“I said, do you like it,” he said.

“Yes,” she said.

“Tell me you like it,” he said.

“I like it,” she said.

“Tell me how much,” he said.

“It itches,” she wailed.

“What?”

“It’s del-itch-ous. Delicious.”

“Good,” he said.

“I need to scratch it.”

“What?”

“No one can…match it.”

(And how different this was and continued to be from those immemorial dreams, dreams almost without origin, preceding her even as she dreamt them, dreams that had wrinkled the paper of her youthful pillow and quickened the slowly sleeping rhythms of her adolescent breath, urging her towards awakening, parting her lips with words she could not name, could not even pronounce, words that left charcoal stains on the white walls of her throat’s interior when she strove to swallow them).

Meanwhile, the itch. Always the itch. The itch extended in a web of connected tingling across her thigh. The itch engaged in expansionary endeavors, intent on securing the area between buttocks and mid-leg. The itch like some imperial army making its maddening way along uncharted limbs.

She involuntarily raised her arm to scratch it, but corrected herself and directed the rogue hand instead to his back, where she dug her nails into the mass of him in an act of fury or maybe an attempt to enter into him and detect his itches and unvoiced discomforts so as to relieve them. This tactic yielding nothing, nothing but endless itch. She struggled to remain considerate. She clutched at him and delivered the customary avowals and entreaties in convincingly breathless tones.

Strange, then, that she was disappointed by his inability to recognize her artifice, to perceive the itch, despite her every effort to conceal it. Even after the last high-pitched squeal of her feigned climax had died away, when he lay beside her with his hand in her hair, telling her he loved her, and she gazed at him adoringly and whimpered weakly for additional theatrical effect, she felt no pride in her performance.

“Do you love me?” she asked.

“Of course,” he said.

“Do you promise?” she said.

“I promise,” he said.

“I have to pee,” she said.

In the bathroom, she rubbed a rough towel over her itchy knee until it was smeared with watery blood. She put it back folded so as to conceal the stains. Then she went to bed and tried to sleep but it was too hot and his arm was angled under her uncomfortably and she didn’t want to wake him, more out of a deep-seated fear of awkwardness than out of actual consideration for his well-being, so she watched the dim glow of the digital clock changing hourly forms and resumed intermittently scratching.


 

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Pointing Me, Pointing You

     by Timothy Toh Yuan Feng ’15

It is dark outside. I am sitting alone on my bed, thinking. The room is empty, save the bed, the wooden cabinet in the corner, and the cold white light that sterilises the room from the tube on the ceiling. One more thing occupies the room. The chorus of the cicadas in the garden outside – their throaty groans hang heavy in the air, filling the room with the desperation of their first and final mating call. The sound of their love-making is to me an ache, a maddening tension poking at my ears, scratching at my eyes. I am now painfully aware that there is no one else in this room, no one else on this bed. There is, it seems, a permanent longing in my heart – for attention, for companionship, for union. It never goes away, faithfully pointing me to something, as if to say, “You were made for more than this.” At once, the sound stops, and the room is still. And I realize that I am sweating.

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Those Dogs

by Cassandra Hartt ’14

Inspired by Nick Hornby and Ben Folds’ “Your Dogs”

With a house that looks like this, at that price, we knew there had to be a catch.

It’s 2:31 AM and this is it.

Those dogs.  Barking in Next Door’s backyard.  At the moon, the dark, each other.  Barking for the fun of it.  Barking for barking’s sake.  Reveling in their deep Pitbull voices, talking to hear themselves talk, scaring my children and Mrs. Number Four’s Pekingese (she says it wedges itself under the armchair).  The sound makes my wife, beside me, grapple with the sheets until she’s awake.  She tries the surround sound pillow trick, which won’t work—it never does.  Finally she groans and swears and gives up.

It’s been three months, but we’ve still got boxes to unpack.  A lot of them, full of photo albums and all our dining ware.  Let’s just say, the paper plates have worn out their welcome.

She’s made me a honey-do list about fifty bullet points long.  Take care of the white birch, crooked and bent over as Mr. Number Fifteen, that looms over our patio table set.  Paint the family room a color, any color but the current hue.  The realtor called it “Guava Jam” and tried to use it as a selling point.

Those dogs were not a selling point.  Those dogs were not mentioned.

Anyone will tell you, Next Door is bad news.  A hooligan.  Trouble.  Mrs. Number Four says he’s 24 years old, and already a dad twice.  Maybe and maybe not with the same woman.

Maybe child support is why he just looked at me when I asked if he wants to chip in when I call Ferretti’s Tree Surgery to take care of the birch, so they can cut down the big dead branch on one of his own trees.  Otherwise someday it will snap and fall, maybe on one of those dogs or maybe through his roof.

Nobody can say I didn’t warn him.

Those dogs.  Barking as dark as the rocks I picture rumbling in the tumbler inside my head.  Rocks bleeding out my ears, polished and colored, the kind my son likes to spend too much of my money on when we go to science museums.

Probably those dogs are an anomaly of science.  They shouldn’t be able to bark so long, so loud.  When they’re good and dead they’ll be studied.  Some Sunday in the future, and hopefully not the too distant future, I’ll drink my coffee and read in the paper about the mutant Pitbulls that terrorized Fairway Drive.

“Five hours of sleep.  Is that too much to ask?” says my wife.  In the dark she is elbows and knees, frazzled hair and palms pressed against her eyelids.

She wishes we didn’t move; more of a constant emotional state than a thought.  My kids are young enough that they can make new friends anywhere, but my wife left behind her two brothers and her parents and her Bible study group and her favorite hair stylist and her yoga class Fridays at six.  She says you can’t replace those things, but she just doesn’t want to.

I guess it’s that Binghamton is just far enough away from Worcester—a little over four hours, if it’s not the Sunday afternoon of a long weekend—that spontaneity is not an option.  But it feels like it should be.  Still, I think Bighamton probably has sun salutations and churches, too.

“I could call over there.”  I hope the way I say it makes it clear that I won’t.

“Please.  I doubt he owns a phone.”

My own eyes are tight and crusted at the corners.  “I could call the police.”

She doesn’t say, “We’ve tried that,” but we have.  The thing about the young, anti-establishment types is they frankly don’t care.  Since he’s not starving or beating those dogs, there wasn’t much they could do about it after he said “Okay.”  And he put them inside and said, “Better?”

We lip-read these lines from the bay window in our eat-in kitchen.  The next night, guess which trio came barreling out of the slid-open screen backdoor?  Here’s a hint: they like to bark.

Plus calling made me feel old.  It’s something my parents would do.

Turning away from me, my wife mutters to her nightstand, “There’s a quicker solution, if you’d just man up and do it.”

That isn’t fair, even if she’s just saying.  It’s hardly a question of manhood.  More a question of another man’s property and whether or not is should be respected.  It should.  Like how Next Door shouldn’t repurpose the balls my kids lose over the fence as doggie chew toys.

I guess my relationship with Next Door started off on something like the wrong foot: we both happened to be in our backyards at the same time.  I waved.  He didn’t.

My new neighbors fell all over themselves to try and prove their sympathy for my home’s unfortunate location.  Their complaints could be aimed at any young person anywhere: he listens to loud music, throws parties, smokes and drinks.  If he’s employed, they say, it’s only as a drug dealer.  The only words Ms. Number Eighteen has for him are “white” and “trash”.

This explains some but not all of it.

Those dogs are nocturnal and think everyone else should be too.  Most days they lie in the yard, brown and baking in the sun like their own turds, exhausted and probably hoarse from the previous night’s exertions.  Except for the one time the back gate was left open and they got out.  It was trash day.  Think banana peels and cantaloupe rinds.  Corrugated cardboard and the Sunday funnies.  Used q-tips and soda bottles all with the smallest sip left inside, just enough to drain on my shoe when I picked them up and sorted them back into the blue recycling bin.

I make those cans.  At least, I supervise the people who make those cans.  They’re aluminum, not tin, for the record.  As supervisor, I listen to the Union’s complaints and make sure we’re hitting quotas, and then people getting their thumbs caught, jammed metal sandwich.  Gone like the Industrial Era.  This accident happened two and a half weeks ago.  This was somehow my fault.

It’s not Next Door’s fault, though.  The thumb or the garbage.  But all he’s got to do is put those dogs inside.  Just let them in, is that really so much to ask?

My wife turns on the lamp and after the brief initial ache of light, our skin and the sheets and the walls glow yellow.  She’s giving me a look, out of the corner of her eye but a look all the same.

“What?” I say.

“Nothing.”

“No, what?”

“Well, what else is the gun for?”

I know she doesn’t mean what she’s said, but what I don’t know is about this feeling in my stomach: is it because she’s not supposed to say this, or because she’s not supposed to have to say this?

This taunt is her favorite way to accuse me of the trite without coming out and saying it.  I didn’t help with the dishes after dinner.  I said I think it’s important for the kids to have somebody at home when they get off the school-bus, so maybe she should not work in the afternoons.  I brought her to godforsaken Binghamton.

Tell me, who the hell wants to live in Worcester his whole life anyway?

“That’s for…burglars.  If criminals broke into our house—”

“How are you going to protect us against fugitives if you can’t make a couple dogs shut up?”

I said criminals, not fugitives.  And there are three dogs, which is a few, not a couple.

“You’re the one who wanted to move here,” she continues.

Here we go.  I could say that I didn’t so much want to relocate as I wouldn’t have a job if we didn’t.  I couldn’t say that, despite the move, there’s a good chance I’ll be out of a job by Christmas.  Downsizing.  Also, finger pointing.  I haven’t told her about the thumb incident.  But these things are true too.

“I’m not going to shoot his dogs.”

“Why not?” she jeers.

I don’t know.  I just won’t.

“Why not?” she says again.  And, “Where are you going?”

“I have to take a piss.”

Lack of sleep does things to you.  You drink too much coffee and spend the rest of the day feeling hollow.  You’re always hungry.  You repeat mistakes you already learned from long ago: Tuesday I locked my keys in my car, like I was sixteen years old again.  And things that wouldn’t normally bother you do: unskilled baggers at the grocery store who put the eggs and bread at the bottom and the tomato soup at the top, for example.  You start thinking about things that don’t matter, like missing your kid’s preschool graduation and how when you say “fork” over and over it stops being a word.

You start thinking maybe your wife’s got a point.

In life, it’s strategic to think your wife’s ideas are good ones.  The home becomes a happier place.  You get more sex.  I doubt killing dogs would lead to more sex, but it would lead to more sleep.

I mean to say, you don’t hear about many insomniacs with crazy sex lives.

This is some but not all of it.

In the bathroom, I consider beating the barking out of my skull by hitting my head against the porcelain toilet bowl. I don’t wash my hands, because I know she will hear that I don’t and hate that.

I wonder if “manning up and doing it” could save me.  As it is, I get home from work and there’s still the same number of cardboard boxes.  Mostly in the basement, to trip over when we go down to take a steak out of the freezer for dinner the next night, but also in the dining room.  She doesn’t want her parents to visit until we’re “unpacked and settled in,” but she doesn’t want to unpack everything until the family room is re-painted.

By me.

Basically, all my fault.

I don’t go back to bed right away and instead pause in front of my closet.  Consider the possibilities behind its accordion-fold doors.  Because the bark of those dogs is the belly of my car scraping every time I roll over a yellow speed bump in the elementary school parking lot.  It scrapes again when my daughter is buckled in, talking about her day at school and waving her latest papier-mâché sculpture in front of my nose.  She reprimands me in an inadvertently uncanny impression of her mother, tells me those bumps mean you’re supposed to slow down, Daddy.

But this is moving up in the world.  The cost of living is lower in Binghamton.  My job pays a little bit more.  The best of the sprawl: a suburban development.  A private road, where we all have to pay dues in order to coax a snowplow to come our way, or so I’m told.  At the last meeting, I voted yes to make the neighborhood’s speed limit fifteen miles per hour, and to add a SLOW, CHILDREN AT PLAY sign.

It’s 3:04 and I’m tired.  And this barking is rubbing me the wrong way over and over, nail file, no, cheese grater style.  Fingernail clippers in the blender.  And nails, the tool not the hand kind, in the food processor.  And silverware in the Kitchen Aid mixer, all at once.  Sounds like these, you can’t think.

Or, you can only think insofar as to make them stop.

I picture myself hot with adrenaline and putting a bullet between each Pitbull’s eyes.  Next Door sees, and I maybe threaten him with the same fate of his dogs.  He doesn’t accept the challenge, just curls his lip and scowls like a surly teenager.  I picture myself walking back home, silence pressing against my ears.

I picture myself loving it.

These are the types of thoughts you have when you’re sleep deprived.

I seem worse than I am, at night.  Really I’m a tolerant man.  Everybody ought to live how he wants.  My neighbors are narrow minded.  Etcetera.

But there are things like the way that even though it’s the peak of autumn, Next Door hans’t touched a rake.  And his leaves keep blowing into our clean yard.  And the tattoo on his neck, some tribal-looking scribble, and the piercing in his nose.  Like a booger that can’t be wiped away.

I know you can’t judge people this way.  Probably there are things Mrs. Number Four hasn’t and won’t find out, like that he had an absent father or was abandoned by his mother, shot from foster home to foster home like a pinball.

25 points every time you disappear down the trippy tunnel with the flashing lights.

50 points every time you glance off a police officer and careen in a new, exciting direction.

100 points every time one of those dogs barks.

You get 3 chances.  9 if you’re a cat.  But you’re really more of a dog person.

I mean to say, probably those dogs are all the family he has.

But can’t he be just a little bit more like someone like me?

At the same time that I’m pulling-pushing the folding closet doors open, the barking changes pitch and tempo.  Renewed fervor and vehemence.  They’ve maybe seen a raccoon.  Just a little after those dogs get excited, but before they fall back into their boast of endurance, and at the same time that I’m pulling the locked gun case across the carpet toward me, a pair of small, slippered feet race their way into our bedroom.  I turn, gun heavy with possibility in my hands.  My son has launched himself into my wife’s arms, where he is recounting the nightmare he just had, in no way improved by those alarm clock dogs.

Looking at the handgun and my fingers wrapped around it, I wonder if I could do it.

I think I could.

“What are you doing?” my wife lipsyncs to the barking, and the sight of those lips, exaggerated mimes over our son’s shoulder, and the whites of her eyes makes me plant my feet in the carpet.  Defiant.  Powerful, like I could knock down a bridge with a nudge of my elbow.  Fall a forest with the shrug of my shoulders.  Splash in the ocean like it were a puddle and watch ripples become terrifying tsunamis.

These are the types of thoughts.

She unknots his arms from around her neck, encourages him to snuggle under the covers in the warm pocket I’ve left behind on my side of the bed.  To me she says, “Put that away.”

“What’s it for, then?” I mock.

“I didn’t mean it and you know it.”  And then she says again, voice stretched taut, “You know it.”  It’s a toss up as to whether she’s more worried for me or worried that what I’m going to do will be her fault.

Because I’m going to do it.  Because I can.

“Are you nuts?” she says, forgetting to keep her voice down and our son is wide eyed too now, peeking from sheets pulled up to his chin.  “Put it back.”

You get so tired that it looks like there’s only one cause for things.  Or there could be.

Those hangnails are because you didn’t get enough vitamin C last week.

My big brother went off the deep end that winter two years ago because he was never going to make it as an artist.

Our lives could be damn near perfect if those dogs disappeared.

We could be perfect.

These are the types of things you think about.

My wife blocks a sliver of the doorway with her slight frame.  She says don’t do it.  If I don’t, she’ll do anything.  At least give it until the morning.  Don’t act on anything you haven’t examined in the daylight, you know?

This is sort of like the time we were stuck behind an asshole on our way to the lake.  An asshole who couldn’t drive.  It had been a long week at work.  At home too, but there only in the way that life is long.  I just wanted to get there, to the spiderwebbed cabin and the planks of the dock and the fresh green water.

I had been planning to leave work early, at 2:00, but one of my managers started waving around a pocket knife at 1:45.  So there we were, all packed into the sedan and it getting dark, when we were supposed to get to Camp in time to have a cookout on the charcoal grill.  The rear view mirror was useless because we had the trunk crammed full of duffel bags and a picnic basket and inflatable rafts and footwear for all weather possibilities.  And this guy thought it’d be a good idea to drive five under the speed limit down a one lane back country road.

Naturally I tailgated him for the next eleven miles.  On the twelfth he deliberately slowed down, and when I honked, flipped me off.

The part that this is sort of like is then I started gesticulating that the man ahead should pull over and we could have it out and quit playing games.

“Knock it off.  I said, stop it.  We’re not in any hurry,” my wife said.  So instead we stopped for hotdogs and fries from a roadside stand and let the guy get ahead.   Probably for the better; I’ve never been in a fight.

I have fired a gun, once.  At a deer, the one time my dad took me hunting.  Missed.  But I get the gist of it.

Now she says, just think about this for one minute.  Please?

So I think about how, after, she won’t be able to say I don’t care.  Sure I do.  I’ll have killed for her.

I maneuver around her and she resorts to things like, “They’re God’s creations too,” and, “You’re going to get out there and you’re going to embarrass yourself.”  My daughter, her sleep also disrupted by those dogs, comes to the bannister of the staircase in her nightgown.

“Daddy, what are you doing?”

And I tell her, “Stay here, Sweetheart.  I’ll be right back.”

My family follows me, a chain of clasped hands and choruses of Daddys and Please, Honeys.  We navigate the new house poorly in the dark, hips finding table edges and jutting doorknobs.  The gun is the line leader, pulls us past granite countertops and oak cabinets, the refrigerator with stainless steel doors and under our  feet cold tile.

Opening the back door lets in a flood of barking.  The air smells crisp.  At the precipice of my backyard, I hover for only a moment.  I wonder how this will look to myself in the morning, but this thought is more interesting than troublesome.

I slide the door shut, hard.  Seal myself out.  My family stands at the bay window, a pyramid of huddled grog and apprehension.  I wave.

The dew is wet on my ankles, the moon pockmarked and cold blue.  Some leaves crunch under me and disintegrate between my toes.

Through the chain link fence we eye each other.  There are three.  Their ears form stiff peaks.  Lips peel back from teeth.  I might give a snarl of my own, but I’m not sure.  Mostly, I feel my legs under me.  Muscles taut.  Me with a purpose, and an audience.  The gun is at the end of my arm, pointing and bobbing with every step.

The fence is closed but not locked, its hinges vocal but not loud.  Those dogs stand their ground, fur bristled and whiskers quivering.  I’m close enough to see that.

I’m close enough to know that this time, I won’t miss.

The loudest is also the closest.  The fur on its back is matte and bruise-colored in the dark.  Every bark sounds like paper, throats tearing.   Every bark a refusal of the unanswered “Can I sleep now?”

I steady one arm with the other.  Plant my feet in the dying grass.  Cock the gun.  My face  wrinkles, grows years older in screwed up anticipation.  But I don’t close my eyes.  I want to see everything.

One for my wife: it’s blown off its feet.  Its flesh explodes.

The second for my kids: to still the scrambling paws, quivering jowls.

And even though I know it’s good and dead, the last shot, so that its body briefly jumps with life again, is for myself.

The other dogs shudder and whine, at a loss without a ring leader.

So this is what the wind sound like in New York.

There’s the sound of maybe the last crickets before winter.

Amongst the vinyl siding and black shutters of Next Door’s house, there’s a yellow window.

He’s awake.

Panic.  A little sweat, mostly on my upper lip, the palms of my hands.  Don’t yell, I tell myself.  Don’t run away.

And isn’t this what I wanted?

Man up, I mutter under my breath.  I wonder if my wife, my children are still watching my performance.

Thirty-two years old and this is what you’ve come to.

The gun doesn’t disappear afterwards but stays heavy, hanging, an extension of my arm.  I don’t know what to do with it.  I think it won’t be satisfied to return to its case in the closet for another six years.

Right now, I’m pretty glad Next Door is not like me.

Anything but what I know I have to do next would be running away.  But it would also be a hell of a lot easier.  I turn my back on the dogs: their eyes and teeth, their accusations.  I mount the wooden stairs, hollow sounding.  I knock on the glass.  Heart clunking along, then tripping over itself to beat in time with Next Door’s footsteps.

I always forget about the greasy black hair.  Does he have running water?  A shower?

Eventually, we all become our parents.  Maybe we keep them from visiting so we can forget that, and maybe some people live down the street from their parents, just to remind themselves.

Because I’m a coward and because there’s nothing to say, no words to say it with, I gesture behind me.  With the gun, not to emphasize or anything but by mistake.

The way his eyes stay flat, only flick over to the body before returning to my face, it’s worse than I imagined.

“You killed my dog,” he says.  A statement.

So I say I’m sorry.

“Jesus,” he says.

It’s just that we haven’t slept through the night in weeks.

“Yeah?”

Well.  That’s some but not all of it.

“Fuck you,” he says, and slams the sliding door shut.

But it doesn’t sound like a door.  It sounds like a familiar heavy fall and clink.

It sounds like my wife saying, “You forgot to put the toilet seat down again.”

So I say I’m sorry.  I uproot myself from where I’m leaning against the wall, across from the closet.  My feet are cold.  I return to bed, touch my son’s hair.  He’s asleep.  I wish I were, too.

Maybe the weed killer we spray in the spring will runoff into Next Door’s yard, toxic and  silent.  Or the Rid-X will seep out of the septic tank and wind its way into those dogs’ favorite water puddle.

Maybe tomorrow morning we will both wheel our trash cans to the ends of our respective driveways at the same time.  I will nod and so will he; he’ll have his headphones on, so he might only be acknowledging the music’s beat.  But I’ll pretend otherwise.

These are the things you think about.

 

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The Translation

by Sarah White ’11

On a warm November morning in Manaus, the local colonel asked me over the telephone if I’d like to get some drinks with him down at the Officers’ Club, and maybe lunch. I had met the colonel only once before and disliked him on sight, but I said yes, because by warm I really mean scorching, and the Officers’ Club is the coolest place in town. They also have the best Scotch in Brazil, as far as I’m concerned, but in weather like we were having, you care more about keeping cool than you do about anything else.

So I’d like to say that I accepted with reservations, but that wouldn’t be as honest as I’d like to think I am. I may have had an inkling that the colonel wanted something from me, or that he’d expect something in return for such a favor. On the other hand, as I said, I didn’t know him at all well, and I may be giving myself more credit for perception than perhaps I deserve. At any rate, I must admit that he timed his invitation like the expert that he was. I was lying on the crisp white sheets of my bed, fully dressed, when the telephone rang. It was about nine or half-past nine in the morning, but I was already soaked in sweat. The sound of the ring distracted me from an internal debate over whether it was worse to suffer the heat or to try to muster enough energy to raise my arm and fan myself with the dispatch I was holding, so you can tell that I was in a bad way. The colonel probably knew it, too—he’d seen enough newcomers in his time to be able to judge to a nicety when my breaking point would be.

I dragged myself to a sitting position and picked up the receiver.

“Yes?” I said.

The colonel sounded as crisp as I felt withered. “Hello, this is Colonel Wilkins speaking. Have I reached Mr. James?”

“Yes,” I repeated.

“Ah, good. Listen, I’d like to invite you down to the Officers’ Club for a couple of drinks if you aren’t too busy today. Around noon, maybe, and we could have a bit of lunch while we’re there.”

The sound of his invitation washed over me as a prophetic wave of cool air. “I’d be delighted,” was the only possible reply.

“Excellent, excellent,” said the colonel. “And I’m not inconveniencing you?”

“Not at all, I’m quite free today. Shall I meet you at the club at noon?”

“Oh, no, there’s no need for that. You live on Rio Street, don’t you? Just come down to the station and we can walk over together.”

I thanked him, and he hung up the telephone with a cheerful farewell. I put the receiver down, too, but my arms felt like they were made of lead. I had another two hours to get through before I could go and meet the colonel, and the heat was truly unbearable. I poured myself a glass of water from the pitcher by my bed and forced myself to drink it down. Dehydration would do nothing but make the dull ache in my head even worse, so I poured and swallowed another glass of the warm, un-refreshing water before I let myself lie down on the bed again.

After a few more minutes, I coaxed myself up and sat down at my desk in the next room. Usually once I get settled I can work steadily until I get hungry, but that morning I couldn’t bring myself to concentrate, and I felt like I’d never be hungry again. I’d only been to the Officers’ Club once, months before when I first arrived in Brazil. But I’d heard it spoken of since then as a place of cool refuge in the hot summer months. Its thick clay walls had been praised to me so often that I had come to firmly believe in their virtues. Those two hours when I waited for my opportunity to visit this mecca, for my chance to experience an atmosphere that was cooler by even a few degrees, felt like some of the longest of my life.

Perhaps I had been too much alone in the months leading up to that day, too immersed in my research. By the time the watch I had placed next to my book read eleven-thirty, I had worked myself into a state of almost delirium. I pushed back my chair and went back into the bedroom to retrieve my hat and jacket, but it took me half a block to regain control of myself and slow down to a reasonable pace. I told myself that I didn’t want to be too early—the colonel was a busy man, after all—but I needn’t have bothered. I would have given a lot at that moment to be already inside the deliciously cool haven of the Manaus Officers’ Club.

I presented myself at the colonel’s office at about a quarter to twelve and told his secretary that I was expected. She looked at me over the top of her steel-rimmed glasses and smiled kindly, which took me somewhat by surprise, but I smiled in return and took the seat that I was offered. The colonel came out of his office, jacket over his arm, just a few minutes later.

“Ah, you’re here. Excellent. Jane, Mr. James and I are going to lunch at the Club. You can take your lunch hour when I get back.”

“Yes, Colonel. Enjoy your lunch,” she said, and the colonel and I walked out of the office and made our way to the street.

“It can be a bit confusing to find the place at first,” said the colonel as we set out. “All these streets start to look the same after a while.”

He laughed, and I laughed, too. It wasn’t until I was with the colonel that I began to wonder what his possible motivation for inviting me had been, but I was still too hot to care.

The colonel must have noted my pale face and the sweat stains under my arms, but all he said was, “Awfully hot today, isn’t it, Mr. James? One of the hottest days we’ll have this year, I think.”

“I certainly hope so. I don’t think I can stand much more than this.”

“Ah, well, it’s only your first time being in Brazil during the hot season, isn’t it?”

“Yes, I got here five months ago.”

“That’s right, I remember. You came with the new doctor, I think. But don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.” I must have given him an incredulous look at that, because he laughed again. “No, really, trust me. I know you don’t believe me now, but everyone does. Of course, those who can’t leave Brazil swearing to never come back, but I think you have more backbone than that, Mr. James.”

“Thank you. I should certainly hope I do. I’ve wanted to come to Brazil my whole life, and it would be a shame to let a little sunshine and humidity drive me away.”

“That’s the spirit,” said the colonel, giving me a hearty clap on the shoulder. “I have doubts about your generation sometimes, but it’s chaps like you who always restore my faith.”

We were approaching the Officers’ Club now through the winding streets. The colonel stepped confidently through the maze, but his gaze was not as proprietary as one might expect from someone who had been here as long as he had. I remember wondering why, and how the colonel had ended up here in Manaus for so many years. I thought maybe I would ask him about it once we’d sat down for lunch.

“Ah, here we are,” said the colonel. It was a building that looked on the outside very much like those around it, built of wood and adobe. There was no sign. At the moment, just outside the door, almost on the doorstep, a beggar was lying. His ribs were painfully visible, and he seemed to have collapsed there. The only sign of movement was the quick, short pants that indicated he was alive.

“I’m starving,” said the colonel. He stepped over the beggar and went inside.

I stared at the person on the steps for a moment, just outside of the mecca I had been yearning for all morning. People had warned me when I first got to Manaus not to give anything to beggars. If you give something to one, the others will just take it from him, and then they’ll swarm all over you. This once, though, I reached into my pocked for a coin and dropped it into the sand next to him. For the irony, I thought, thinking of the colonel’s remark, he deserved it. Then I followed him inside.

It was dark and cool inside the Club. I stopped a few paces from the doorway to let my eyes adjust, but really all I could think of at that moment was the glorious drop in temperature. It was everything that I’d hoped for, and I felt a moment of profound gratitude to Colonel Wilkins for bringing me there. He probably knew that, too.

All of this took only a moment, of course, while my eyes began to take in the tan stucco walls covered in tapestries, photographs, and taxidermy heads. This was only the anteroom, and in a corner stood a desk with a servant in uniform standing behind it waiting to take my hat. I walked over and gave it to him before joining the colonel in the doorway.

“It’s awfully cool in here, isn’t it?” I said, most likely with a trace of the gratitude I had felt so strongly only a moment before.

He chuckled at my awed  observation and said, “That’s the first thing men notice if they’re new to Brazil. Middle of the road, they notice the space is completely ant-free.” I looked around. I was used to seeing ants on the walls, floor, or tables of every house I entered, including my own. The colonel was right: in the dining room, which we had just entered, I couldn’t see a single ant. But the colonel was going on. “Now for old-timers like me, the first thing we notice when we come in here is the smell of really good cigars.” He breathed in deeply. “Do you smoke, Mr. James?”

“Now and then,” I told him, “but I haven’t since I’ve been in Brazil. Even though they grown tobacco so near, I don’t like the cigarettes that are available in the stores. They’re too acidic somehow.”

The colonel smiled broadly. “Well, there’s none of that in here. This is our one chunk of Britain in here, and we allow nothing but the best.”

I found myself nodding along to this pronouncement in reverential approval. I felt a rather adolescent urge to prove myself to the colonel so that I would be asked to come back. I didn’t say anything, but then, the colonel didn’t seem to require any response. “Shall we have some lunch?” he asked, beckoning to one of the white, uniformed waiters to indicate that we were ready to be seated.

The waiter led us to a table for two in the corner. I was seated facing the wall while the colonel faced outward. A few feet above his head was a leopard’s head with open jaws and forbidding look in its eye, but the colonel proceeded to order unperturbed. “Do you mind if I order for you? I know what’s good.”

“Oh, yes, certainly,” I agreed.

Without looking at a menu, the colonel told the waiter to bring us whatever the fisherman had brought in fresh that day, with rice. He asked for the house Merlot, to which I added a request for a glass of water. I suspected that it would be cold here.

The waiter went away to get our wine, and the colonel and I stared at one another until I involuntarily glanced away at the leopard over his head. I felt irrationally that I had lost at something once I looked away, so I took a gulp from the glass of wine that I promptly received and plunged into conversation.

“How are things shaping up for the expedition to Peru, Colonel?” I asked.

“What? Oh,” said the colonel. “You academic fellows need to realize that the base won’t authorize any expeditions until we feel it’s safe in the projected destination.”

“Oh, yes, of course,” I agreed again, a little surprised at his abruptness.

“Peru is alright at the moment, but the areas you’d have to pass through to get there—and come back, I might add—are bordering on unrest. If things were to suddenly go wrong, I don’t want to have to send my troops out at the risk of their lives to rescue some academics who are digging up pots.”
“Certainly not. A very undesirable arrangement,” I agreed hastily, and lapsed into silence. The colonel drank his wine.

After he had motioned to our waiter to refill our glasses, the colonel said, “But I understand you’re not really in the archaeological line, are you, Mr. James?”

I glanced again at the leopard leaping down on the colonel’s head and replied, “No, not very much. My interest is more in ancient writings and languages.”

“Yes, very interesting. How many ancient languages do you estimate existed in this area?”

“Do you mean just in the region surrounding Manaus, or in the province as a whole?”

“Just around Manaus. An area of, say, fifty miles in every direction.”

“It’s difficult to say—of course any number of languages may have existed that were never written down, but I believe that there were about nine languages spoken in this vicinity in the ancient world.”

“And do you speak all of them?”

“I don’t really speak any of them, but I can read eight out of the nine.” I felt that I was boasting a little, but the colonel had asked me, after all.

“Why can’t you read the last one?”

“Well, because we’ve never found a sample of it.”

“Then how do you know it exists?”

“Existed, really. We know because some of the texts we do have make reference to a people who arrived here centuries ago from the north, speaking a strange tongue that none of the local inhabitants could understand.”

The colonel leaned forward. “What was this new group like?”

Just then the fish arrived, and the colonel sat back and took another drink of wine.

I thanked the waiter and cut a piece of the mango he had brought me before I went on. “Well, they were fabulously wealthy, from what the records say.” I took a bite of the fish with mango, which was delicious, and went on, because the colonel looked interested. “They came down the river in great canoes made of a strange kind of tree with their women and children with them. There were rumors that they were fleeing from a terrible catastrophe in their homeland far to the north.”

“What kind of catastrophe?”

“No one knew. The nomads didn’t talk about it. But there were rumors that they’d saved all of their wealth and carried it all the way to this area in their canoes.” The colonel was not eating the fish, but I took another bite.

“What happened to the nomads?”

“They were attacked by one of the tribes that already lived here and driven away. There was fierce competition for land that wasn’t water-logged, and the locals weren’t about to tolerate another rival.”

“Did that tribe take their treasure, then?”

“The records are confused at that point. It seems that they didn’t find anything valuable on the nomads, but the records still insist that they were wealthy. I believe there’s some kind of local legend that they’d hidden it in a cave out in the jungle before they even entered the city.”

The colonel nodded, and then he asked me a very strange question. “Do you think that you could read the nomad’s writing?”

“I have no idea,” I said. “It could have been related to the local languages, or it could have been something completely different. They were supposed to have come from very far away. At any rate, it’s a moot point, because there is no extant record of their writing, or even that they wrote at all.”

“I think they did,” said the colonel. He spoke in a tone intended to convey absolute conviction, and I looked up from my meal, startled. The colonel was grinning at me.

I took a sip of wine and he kept staring at me, daring me to ask. So I did. “If you don’t mind my asking, colonel, what makes you so certain?”

The colonel looked around and then leaned toward me. “Because,” he said in a low voice, “I have something they wrote.”

This surprised me, yet my first reaction was decidedly towards skepticism. I was quite certain, at first, that the colonel had been duped. “Can I see it?”

“I was, in fact, hoping that you would look at it, Mr. James,” he continued quietly. “I very much hope that you can find the means to interpret it, as well.”

“I’d love to,” I said. “I’ll have to authenticate it first, of course. At the university—“

“Oh, no,” the colonel interrupted. “No, Mr. James, I must ask you to keep this matter strictly confidential, in fact to speak of it to no one but myself.”

It was clear that he was serious, and of course I was interested. The waiter came and took away our plates—mine, at least, was empty—and then the colonel sealed the deal. “If you would, Mr. James, could you just look it over? We can come back here in a week’s time and you can tell me what you think.”

Not quite aware that I was doing so, I took the bait. I was faced with the prospect of emerging into the terrible heat again, and an offer of a return to this cool haven was too much for me to resist.

“I’d be happy to, colonel.”

“And you won’t show it to anyone?”

“Not to a soul, Colonel, if you think it best.”

“I do.”

“Very well, then. I give you my word.”

“Good,” said the colonel. He reached into his breast pocket, pulled out an envelope with two fingers, and slid it across the table to me. I reached for it, but for a moment he didn’t let it go. He looked into my eyes and repeated, “Your word.”

“Yes,” I said, and took the envelope. It was a plain army-issue one, revealing nothing of what might be inside. I put it in my pocket and buttoned the flap.

The colonel was still looking at me intensely, which was making me uncomfortable. “It’s safe with me,” I felt compelled to add, though I felt foolish as soon as I said it. But the colonel just said, “Good,” nodded curtly, and got up.

“Until next week, Mr. James.”

“Good day, colonel.”

“Good day.”

Reluctantly, I rose and threw my napkin down on the table. By the time I had done so, the colonel was gone, and I made my way back to the foyer, retrieved my hat, and stepped back out into the heat. It was perhaps a little cooler now than it had been when I entered the club, but it felt even hotter. The beggar was gone. The streets were mostly bare as I trudged slowly back to my apartment. Once there, I took off my coat and lay down on the leather couch, where I fell asleep. Much to my relief, it was palpably cooler when I awoke, thought I was nevertheless covered in sweat. For the first time that day, I felt as if I could think again, so I poured myself a glass of water and went to my desk.

The work that I was doing at the time involved deciphering what was written on some badly damaged wooden tablets—tedious work, but I delighted in it. It was the sort of thing that I had come to Brazil to do. But of course today as soon as I looked at my papers, I remembered Colonel Wilkins’s paper, so I retrieved my coat from the sofa and took it out of the pocket.

It was certainly not Guarani. In fact, at first glance it bore a closer resemblance to the Mayan alphabet than to any native language I was familiar with. Of course, the colonel thought it was the writing of the lost tribe, and it was vaguely possible that a group of Mayans might have made it as far south as Brazil. The paper was clearly a copy that had been made by being placed against an inscription on stone or wood and rubbed with a pencil, so I set out to make another version of it that would be easier to study. I still thought it most likely that the colonel was being duped by whatever person had shown him the inscription, but at least the trickster had made sufficient effort to carve it instead of claiming to have found an ancient piece of bamboo leaf preserved by being submerged underwater or some such ridiculous story. That was what I told myself at any event, but I think that it must be admitted that I was still operating under a strong sense of gratitude to the colonel, and I was already looking forward to going back to the Officers’ Club the following week. I wanted to have something to tell him at our next meeting, even if it was only a confirmation that his inscription had been forged.

Once I had made a fair copy of the letters, I cleared my desk of all other papers and set to work in earnest. Before I knew it, I was squinting at the lines and I was forced to light the lamp to combat the growing dusk.

I was utterly absorbed, and I had long since forgotten any idea that the text was forged. I was convinced both that the writing was ancient and that it was like nothing I had ever seen before—that is to say, it was sufficiently like other languages to convince me of its authenticity, but I, the foremost specialist on languages at Manaus University, had never seen this language before. I yearned to call the dean and tell him what I had found, but I was reminded of the promise I had made to Colonel Wilkins, so I refrained.

I didn’t sleep that night. I couldn’t tear myself away from the tremendous puzzle before me. I dined on bread and cheese at about nine, but it seemed I made a breakthrough each time I thought of leaving off for the night and going to bed. The sun rose at six in the morning, and by seven it was getting hot again, and I was finished. I had what I thought was a tolerable English translation of what the colonel had given me. I immediately phoned him up.

The call was answered by a sleepy-sounding sergeant, who informed me that the colonel would be in no earlier than eight, or perhaps nine, and refused to give me the number for his home. He grudgingly agreed to inform the colonel that I had called, but spoke disparagingly of the likelihood that he would return my call. With that I was forced to be content, so I had a glass of water and lay down on my bed, where I remained with my mind whirling until the phone’s buzz woke me from a profound sleep an hour later.

Disoriented, I groped for the receiver and picked it up. “Colonel Wilkins?” I asked.

“What do you want with Colonel Wilkins?” the voice returned in a suspicious tone. “When did you last see him?”

“I saw him yesterday,” I told the voice. “We lunched together, and the colonel asked me to let him know about a matter that we discussed at that time. May I speak to him?”

“I think you’d better come in,” the voice informed me.

“In where?”

“To the base,” it said sternly.

Still bewildered, I could only respond, “I’ll be right over.” The voice hung up.

I was still dressed in my clothes from the day before, so I only paused to pick up my coat from where it lay abandoned on the floor next to my desk. I put the colonel’s paper and my translation in my pocket, buttoned it as before, and left the house. Once again I found myself hurrying as quickly as I could down Rio Street towards the base. I felt weak and a little shaky, the signs of sleeplessness and dehydration, but in less than fifteen minutes I had reached the door of the base. A soldier waved me inside, and I went up again to the colonel’s office.

There were three men in the outer office, along with Jane, who was crying. They looked at me strangely when I came in, and one of them said, “Mr. James?” It was the voice from the telephone.

“Yes, I’m James,” I said. “Where is Colonel Wilkins?”

“The colonel is dead,” the voice told me. “He was robbed and murdered on his way home from the base last night. Was your lunch yesterday the latest you saw him?”

I had to sit down, though I had not been invited to do so. The other men remained standing. “Are you quite sure?” I asked him, staring very hard at the floor.

“Yes, Mr. James, quite sure,” he said drily, and I looked up, embarrassed. “When was the last time you saw him?” he repeated.

“Yes, it was at lunch,” I said. “We were finished at about one, and the colonel left before me.”

“What did the two of you talk about at lunch?”

“Nothing much,” I said. “The Colonel was interested in the work I’ve been doing with Guarani. He asked me a lot of questions about it.” My hand closed convulsively on the papers in my pocket.

“Do you know where he was going?”

“I don’t know. I thought he was coming back here.” I remembered the day before, which now seemed like a very long time ago. “Yes, he told Jane that she could have her lunch when he got back.”

“Jane?” The man who was the voice turned to her for confirmation, and she nodded through her tears.

“Yes, he got in a little after one, sir, and he stayed until six like he always does,” she sighed.

“And that’s the last time you saw him?”

“Yes, sir. And he said he’d been in early this morning, and that I was to have his coffee ready promptly at eight.”

“Very well,” said the man, and turned to me. “His widow may want to speak with you. Aside from his secretary, you were the last person to see him alive.”

I nodded dumbly, and he told me I could go. They would ring me up if I was wanted to speak to Mrs. Wilkins. I got up and walked slowly out of the room. Just as I was crossing the threshold, the voice stopped me again. “Oh, Mr. James?”

I turned. “Yes?”

“What was the matter that you wanted to speak to the colonel about?”

“It’s nothing,” I said. “The colonel wanted to know if I still had a book on languages that I recommended to him, and I rang him up to tell him I’d found it. It doesn’t matter now.”

The man nodded and turned away.

I slowly went home. I went to my desk and picked up all of the papers I had been working with all night and put them in my pocket with the colonel’s envelope and my translation. The telephone rang in the bedroom, but I ignored it and went out of the house again. This time I went the other way down Rio Street, down towards the river, and I walked along the bank until I was quite alone. Then I took out all the papers, tore them one by one into bits, and threw them into the river.

But I can still picture clearly in my mind the paper I scrawled my translation on, and I can still remember what it said.

“This stone marks the tomb of the children of the clan of Acat who died of hunger in the great rains. Any uncharitable man who touches it shall be cursed with our hatred and shall die at the hands of wrongdoers.”

As I walked home, I thought of the beggar outside of the Club and of the eager look in the colonel’s eye when he handed me the paper and made me promise to mention it to no one but him. I think I solved the mystery of why the colonel had been here in the backwater of Manaus for so long, and of what he had wanted from me when he so kindly asked me to lunch with him at the Officers’ Club. The colonel was hoping to find the treasure of the lost tribe, the tribe of Acat, and I believe that when he died, he was very close to it, indeed.

But I don’t think that he would have been very pleased if he had found out what it was.

I have never told anyone about what the colonel asked me to do that day, and I have made no attempt to find the stone with the inscription on it. I have no desire to know if I would be found worthy to touch it and live.

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The Aerialist

by Catherine Sinclair ’14

 

When she thinks of him, she thinks of hurtling down a hill, faster than she thought she would ever have been able to go. The stark winter landscape is reduced to its essence, the white flash of snow and the waving lines of the black pine trees resembling some incomprehensible piece of modern art. The wind blows in her face and her ears are so cold she thinks they are going to fall off, but she is happy.

He is right behind her, pretending that he is trying his hardest to catch her, but she knows that he is letting her win, that he is painting slow, looping curves across the canvas of snow, while her skis chatter and skid gracelessly as she makes sharp, quick turns, trying to beat him.

She never beat him though, because at the last minute he would always clap his skis together and bend his knees and fly past her, skidding to a stop with a celebratory spray of snow.

They first met on the ski hill, she tentative and unsteady, he zooming around so fast that she thought he was about to take flight. Which he did, on multiple occasions, turning each bump and dip on the slope into an opportunity to commune with the atmosphere. He always expected her to launch herself after him, but she never did.

His goal was to be the best in the world but he had to settle for third. She remembers the day, when he marched so proudly in the parade, skipping in a sea of red, white, and blue, laughing. It was commercial and false, a mere show of international cooperation, financed by avaricious sponsors on the hunt for a winning face for their cereal boxes, but she was caught up in it all.  She watched him throw himself on skis off an icy cliff of snow, turning and flipping in the air. She held her breath when he landed, a white puff of snow punctuating his descent back to earth. She winced when his left ski skidded, and it was that little mistake that had lost him the gold. Still, she was prouder than anything to see him on that podium, smiling sheepishly as they hung a medal round his neck. He held his bouquet like a winner of a beauty pageant, which made her chuckle to herself as the sounds of the Belarusian (for some unfathomable reason Belarus had a superb ski jumping team) national anthem filled the stadium.

He was always happiest in the air. He had started skiing almost as soon as he could walk. Perhaps that was why, graceful as he was on a mountain, he was so clumsy on flat ground.  He never learned to walk correctly: he slouched and swaggered, his knees sore and his feet rocking back and forth like a sailor on a ship even when his ski boots weren’t on. He spent so much time in the air that he forgot gravity, but gravity had never forgotten him.

So he drank, and he smoked, and he did other things that she is still trying to forget about. For an athlete he had little respect for his body, though through sheer willpower he kept in flying shape. Whenever she ran her hands over his bare back she was always surprised to find that he had earthly shoulder blades instead of wings.

Sometimes while flipping and twisting about in the air he imagined what would happen if he made a slight mistake, an understandable miscalculation, and landed on his neck. Twice he stopped imagining and tried it, but with pills and alcohol instead of a fall. Like a cat he always landed on his feet, and like a cat he seemed to have nine lives, and he remained alive for her to scold and berate and worry and cry over.

When the news comes she is not surprised. She has been waiting for him to kill himself for the past ten years.

She plays the message on the phone. She turns off the phone after the first four words: “I’ve got bad news—“ spoken by a vague female voice that is either his mother or his sister. She can’t tell them apart any more; all of his relatives coalesce in her mind to a faceless, haunting mass of people that resembles him but are in so many ways different from him.

Her nine-year old daughter Ava is shrieking for her, dragging her out of the past to exclaim over some new discovery. She sighs, and wipes the tears from her eyes. She has a vision, a prophecy: there Ava will be, sometime in the near future, crouched in an attic, the sun shining warmly on the rickety floorboards. She will find the beat-up shoebox filled with photographs of him. She will dig her child’s hands through them, pausing over the one that shows the three of them laughing in the snow. Her fingers will feel the cold metal at the bottom, a shiny bronze medallion hung on a frayed ribbon. She will hold it reverently in her hands, like a diver discovering treasure from a shipwreck. She will see his wide eyes reflected back at her. Time will hang still for a moment, and memory linger in the air, suspended and twisting like a fish on a line. Then she will hear a noise and start guiltily, putting the photographs back in the box, burying the bronze at the bottom. She will take one photograph and put it in her pocket.

But that is in the future, she knows. She knows there will be a day, not long now, when Ava will grow tall and fearless, and she will find the photograph lying carelessly on her daughter’s childish white dresser, and wonder what to say.

Before she had met him she had always thought that if something happened she would have gone straight to the clinic and have it taken care of, but he seemed such a breakable thing that she felt wrong killing a part of him. She did not know how he felt about it; she hadn’t given him much choice in the matter. She remembers the talk in the woods, the brown leaves crackling underfoot, a hint of snow in the air, her hand held protectively over her belly. She told him that she would raise it and that he didn’t owe her anything before he could get a word out. He nodded. To this day she does not know if he agreed with her only because that was what she wanted or if he sincerely didn’t care. When she is feeling sad and lonely she is sure it is the second case. When she is honest and remembers the look in his eyes as he reached out his arm and she instinctively recoiled she knows that he always wanted this child, perhaps even more than her, but he knew that she could not love him forever and that she had a right to whatever he could give her.

Within a year of her daughter’s birth she fled south, leaving him alone on his mountain. He kept skiing long after he stopped winning. She waited with dread for the injury, for him to be crippled and lose his wings for good. She could imagine it so well in her mind: a shattered bone, a torn ligament, a ruptured organ, or even, god forbid, a broken back. He would be bedridden and miserable. The weight of the air at sea level alone would suffocate him. It would be so easy then for him to die.

He was lucky though, and all his limbs kept working. His daughter grew up and mercifully didn’t look too much like him. She never had to explain to her that her father, who magically appeared with presents on birthdays and around Christmas, was dead.

Until today.

She steels herself, digging her fingernails into her palm. She will probably have to listen to the rest of the message, to think of something to say to Ava. At nine you know that parents don’t drop dead for no reason. She runs over possibilities in her head: gun, knife, rope, pills, poison. At least she knows he didn’t fall.

She presses play. “–bad news. Leigh’s dead.” The sound of muffled tears. “An accident. He was skiing by himself and there was an avalanche. Completely unexpected, a freak accident. The funeral—“ she doesn’t care about the funeral. Accident. She bursts into tears, out of both grief and relief. Accident. The mountain won after all. He would have tried to outrun it, she knew. He would have laughed at the game. He would not have been afraid when the rush of white crashed over his head. He had landed so many times on the mountain, his skis beating the ground with a clattering thud, that it was finally the mountain’s turn to land on him. The stagnant rocks were jealous of him, the snow, born from the air, only wishing for a little excitement, a chance to go careening down a slope, like him, in whatever direction it pleased.

She does not blame the mountain.

Her daughter appears at her side, worming her little brown head under her arm, knowing in the way of children that something is wrong. She strokes Ava’s hair, realizing that soon her daughter will grow up, go sliding at breakneck speed down the mountain to adulthood. She wishes that they can stay like this, no movement necessary. She wishes even more that he is still alive. She wishes he would be there to teach her how to fly.

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Sapiosexuals Anonymous

by Rebecca Rothfeld ’14

Language is a skin: I rub my language against the other. It is as if I had words instead of fingers, or fingers at the tip of my words.

-Roland Barthes

 

Hi, I’m Avril, and I’m a sapiosexual.

(Obligatory echo: Hi, Avril.)

I denied it for a long time. I was in the metaphorical closet, about as far back as I could get, pushed up against the metaphorical boxes of metaphorical keepsakes so old their metaphorical owners had forgotten about them entirely, or maybe remembered vaguely the fact of their existence but certainly not that they were in the closet—the metaphorical closet, that is—in the series of creased cardboard boxes against which I kept bumping in the semi-darkness. That’s how far in the closet I was. I mean, really far. I was going to great lengths to conceal what I was. Dating recruited athletes. Attending fraternity parties. Taking geology classes. Lightly lifting her bangs from her forehead in a kind of physical apology for having been embarrassed yet also for the substance of that which had embarrassed her and which embarrassed her still, both an apology for apologizing and an apology for that for which she apologized

I only left the metaphorical closet late at night, when the stacks were deserted and I could make secret visits to the aisle where they kept the D.H. Lawrence and there was a confidential silence and the warmth of my hands against the words and the delicate gasping of the pages fluttering between my trembling fingers. I lay with my cheek and ear against the breathing leather hearing in the book a heartbeat for which I was listening very hard, the way I heard the ocean in shells, maybe as a projection of my own desires. An imposition of want upon the book. Parting the pages angrily, bending the spine forward to push my insistent fingers into the volume’s opening against the creak of groaning binding.

But I don’t know that it was I touching the page, the words, so much as….so much as Verbal faltering in an implicit gesture of self-deprecation denoted less by her words and the precise and mappable area they designated as definition but rather by the greater lexicon of tone and subtle motion and small self-enclosing, a hunching of the shoulders around herself as if to protect her center the words touching me and feeling out my secrets and then drawing me out from within myself with each successive phrase, each of which had a new significance that languished before giving way to the next as smoke lingers around a candle before departing from its origin. And from each symbol, suddenly novel as hieroglyphics, I extracted a related phoneme that summoned some meaning residing deep in the word, somewhere beneath it or perhaps in the interstices between it and its predecessor or even between my parted lips—but in a space or a relation, never in a loneliness, always in warmth of ensemble. Secondary impressions and tertiary impressions sought out the secret places in indentation of neck or between my fingers and read the brail of my freckles, elbows, knee caps, breasts, flat expanses of stomach and thigh, archuate ass and bulbous shoulder. Because it found an opening and entered as no person ever had; because to talk is to demand entrance, and all speech is entry, and words are bridges, and I yielded (as I had to yield) to the long and quivering caress of that verbal seduction. Language being, of course, the only way to touch.

I woke up with annotations intaglioed on my skin where I’d rubbed against the page.

Uncomfortable at suddenly realizing the depth of her immersion, like someone suddenly awakened from a sleep, touching abruptly the bridge of her nose, purposelessly, a motion with subtle shades of signification that her audience, shifting with their own restless movements and adjustments, notes and interprets

It grew difficult to conceal from my boyfriend, then the captain of the football team, a surly boy who mistook my love of Werther for a liking of Werther caramels of the same name but drastically different connotations, and he grew suspicious of the “sexuality as humanisms” imprinted on unlikely body parts, and then came the final, damning cry of “Goethe!” during climax, after which I entered into a stage of extreme but manifestly futile denial. My boyfriend, who was at this point no longer my boyfriend, but whom I’ve termed my boyfriend and is recognizable in this narrative now only by that moniker, spread a series of nasty rumors about me and my various alleged infidelities that had, in fact, been more varied than he supposed, spanning, as they had, several centuries and five or six important literary movements. Regardless, the former boyfriend succeeded in functionally exiling me to the library.

I faced a lot of stigma. My friends pretended no longer to know me. My family was disappointed, my mother scandalized. She always did want me to marry someone with perfect teeth and more than the average number of squares on the grid of visible abdominal muscle.

And maybe I should have been unhappy but the truth was Exhibiting now the very beginnings of a private smile that was the expression of only the very surface of a much deeper joy, like the tip of a flower whose network of roots is concealed below I wasn’t, I wasn’t unhappy at all, I was happier than I’d ever been, I was blissfully happy, I was a social pariah, I had as much time as I liked to satisfy my textual frustration, I was initiated into a world of ongoing discussion wherein I felt protected and safe and as if I existed in a space that spanned time and any external disruption, and the more alone I was the less lonely I was because I was alone naturally, rather than artificially drawn into myself, the books pulled me out, I could tell them the truth, but people crowded me and forced me further in, and….Her inwardly-directed smile was spreading to encompass everything, an expression that signified finality, and her audience marked its progress until, perceiving its true denotations, Anonymous Collective said:

(Obligatory echo: thank you, Avril).

Hi, my name is Josef, and I am a sapiosexual.

(Obligatory echo: Hi, Josef).

I was never in denial to myself. To my family, though….a wince so exaggerated as to almost resemble an involuntary grin at the sight of something so funny it provoked an uncontrollable outburst but unmistakably signifying, here, a renewed opening of a partially-healed wound that encountered additional injury daily I came from a bigoted background, and, growing up, it was hard for me. My father was a business executive in name only, and was in actuality an idler, a golfer, and an avid collector of Rolex watches. My mother can be described only as a Delta Gamma, as this is, to date, her only defining characteristic or vocation. A deepening of the wrinkles on his forehead in which his audience could discern almost the exact shape and outline of his memories, or at least their color and unpleasant taste, and here foreshadowed was something beyond the facts of narrative, something unreadable in the rigor mortis of unmoving events but detectable rather in his voice’s fluctuations: a glimpse of the cold, separate rooms of a house saturated with dim disapproval and low, conspiratory voices Needless to say, their reception was not pleasant. They sent me to therapy, where I was diagnosed as a sexistentialist and watched episodes of Baywatch for weeks without exhibiting any signs of arousal. I was shipped off to an inpatient program where….well, I’d rather not discuss the particulars.

What I wanted was to touch not just the surface or the skin. Not the image but the substance. Not to see, not even to touch, but to hold. So I could not display the expected fervor at the spectacle of a basketball game, or react appropriately to the kind of photograph I was told healthy boys my age enjoyed. Eyebrows arched in angular criticism; inspection of nails in what was once anger now crystallized into tacit disapproval The implication being that I was not healthy.

I read voraciously, of course waving his hand as if to brush away any assumption to the contrary, a motion of invalidation and erasure, and a movement whose connotative sphere overlapped slightly with the area of his emerging self-assurance, but I also talked. I sought through talking some kind of contact or penetration or maybe I thought my loneliness would break like a fever, suddenly, late at night, and in the ague of shivering recovery there would be the stupid and unlikely scenario I’d always envisioned where the girl whom I held lovingly in my arms would melt into me and I’d move what I thought was my arm and instead she’d move, through some fluke of tangled wiring and interconnectedness.

Drooping of the head and upturning of the palms to expose thin, milky skin of wrist, precariously fragile and beneath which cursive vein was inscribed in blue ink; a supplication, a posed (in all senses of meaning) question But I found that the characters who populated books were more three-dimensional than the people I met in reality. They—the characters, I mean—continued to go about their business when the books were closed; people I met ceased to exist when they left the room. I want to transform them. It was anti-personification, textualization. And all touch is language. To enter is to speak.

The first girl I loved had yellowing skin on which I wrote a book in pinks and blacks, raspberry blues, stained ink-red around the edges. The italics were in crimson. The titles were green, fading into yellow. Chapter one began on the lobe of her ankle. Chapter two was a scarlet streak up the back of her leg. Chapter three was swollen, a spreading rouge on her left buttock. Chapter four was clotting scratches on arched lower back, the cup of curved behind rising into plain of bony shoulder (chapter four is a labor of love. I edited and revised, scratching away late into the night. First I started at the shoulder, tracing down diagonally. Terrible. Discarded it. Then I worked downwards, writing in indigo, bold and bright but still not right. I worked upwards finally and all the way across the collarbone. The indentations of clavicle were the second violet stanza. On the neck were magenta enjambments. Along the scalp the ruby marks beneath her hair, where there were violent exclamations). Chapter five—the last chapter—was over her rising chest, a web of rosy allusions along her hips. And all along her bindings.

His hands immobile and lifted to his head so that his hair was pushed mostly through his fingers but not entirely, as though he were a still-life captured on the verge of movement, rather than a person immobilized by the autonomy of words that had overcome him, and his audience, much attuned to his condition, said, respectfully:

(Obligatory echo: thank you, Josef).

Low rumble of preparation for departure: rustle of rain coats conforming to arms therein, slap of  lukewarm coffee against the walls of the cup containing it, the indistinct sounds of aging bodies straining against inertia. Until finally emptiness and silence in which

“Outstretched hand?”

“Tentative acceptance.”

“Fingers latticed; chilled skin beginning to melt into a warm sweat.”

“Anticipatory head tilt?”

“Complimentary head tilt.”

“Lowered eyelashes; timorous lean..?”

“Assertive waist-grab and impatient—

“Nose-crushing, tongue-fumbling kiss.”

Etc.

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by Rebecca Rothfeld ’14

Standing in line behind, you know, a man and a woman at a coffee shop, you’ll note that the pauses in the rhythm of conversation have a kind of shape wherein tacit responses respond to tacit responses and the silence of the woman formulates an answer to the question posed by the silence of the man. All silently. It’s like, you know, listening to one half of a phone conversation and understanding, somehow, what’s being said on the other end of the line, this art of listening to the conversation that a conversation has with the conversation, at a kind of higher pitch, or on another plane, or something. You know.  Like one person says something and you can hear an innate response kind of happening, just rising up, in the other, and then you can hear her refining it and whittling away at it and sometimes discarding it entirely and then you hear, you know, at a separate volume and in a separate key, her actual words, distinct from the initial artifact of her thoughts by varying degrees, depending. You know, like the conversation has bones and this entire anatomy and all you can see is the outside of it but the rest of is what gives it a structure. Like I said, silence has a shape. You know. Listening, you hear.

There’s only so much pseudo-concern I’m willing to affect in order to get you to keep sleeping with me because it’s not like I’m going to, I don’t know, marry you or something, the most I can do is make this face which suggests but does not promise (please note, does not in any way formally promise) engagement and concern about this shit, the shit you complain about endlessly, and it’s mostly just because where can you find a girl you can tell what you really want to do to her, nowhere, it’s only the really crazy ones who go on for hours on end about this shit, about their being and das sein or whatever, which they think is different from their capital B being, which must be some weird German thing because I’ve heard they capitalize all their nouns, but anyway it’s only the really crazy ones and I mean the really crazy weepy needy five-emails-in-a-row demanding endless affirmation ones who will let you, you know, do what you really want and my god what is problemetization,  is that even a word, I just want to tie you up and gag you, I didn’t ask for your whole existential history.

Did you not answer the email because you didn’t want to answer the email? Or because you were planning to and you have some lengthy profession of love saved in your drafts that you’re going to send me but not until you’ve got it just right? And what about the email about why you didn’t answer the email? The meta-email. I bet you just don’t check your email, that’s what I bet. I bet you just don’t check your email.

And my gosh the emails. You think that when I didn’t respond to first the email about whatever, her insecurities re the formulation of stable identity and how she thinks of herself as taking different elemental stages or something, you think she’d have taken this as a sign of my total disinterest, but then no, she doesn’t, she just kind of keeps trying and talking at you, she’s so desperate for someone to talk to. It’s a lot to put up with but I’m telling you, broaching the subject of bondage is awkward at best and restraint-order-inciting at worst and don’t even try it with the kind of girl you’d want to listen to talk because they aren’t near crazy enough to say yes. So it’s worth it, I guess, to try and look engaged. Looks good in that top too. It’s not impossible to pay attention, all things considered.

You must not check your email. Because I’m telling you this to gage your response, and you’re listening, you’re really listening, sitting forward like that with your eyes widened and your entire face so open, and you care, you have to care or you’d interrupt me or tell me to stop or something, you wouldn’t just let me bare my soul to you like this, and tell you how I feel like I expand and contract in different company. Like the earth responding to heat or cold. I change to adapt to environment and to fill the space, the way a gas fills the space, seeping into every available corner. With you, that is, I fill the space. And with everyone else I retract. Just sort of cave in. So you must not check your email.

I hope there is nothing between my teeth. Strange protrusion, there, between the tooth three down from the center two teeth and the tooth four down from the center two teeth, to the left. Possible remnants of turkey sandwich. Maybe that weird white residue that’s only noticeable in really close-contact situations. I’ll keep mouth-opening to a minimum, where possible. I think I’m expected to smile though. Close-lipped smiling just feels strange, like your teeth are visible through your lip, or something. And he’ll wonder why I’m smiling with my mouth closed. He’ll probably assume I have some kind of dental deformity. What if I just sort of wriggle my tongue over the offending area. When he’s not looking. Now, when he’s sort of playing with his napkin. Have I opened my mouth in a tooth-bearing fashion already? Maybe the bathroom? But I hate to associate myself with the scatological this early on in the relationship. It’s a well-known fact that girls don’t poop. Maybe if I swallow really hard, I mean really hard, the sheer force of it will act as some kind of gravitational wormhole or something and suck all particulate matter down my throat. Maybe.

Ich bin, du bist, er ist. I am actively not listening to you. Wir sind, ihr seid, sie sind. I am reciting German irregular verbs in my head. That is how little I am listening to you.

we are doing you a FAVOR young lady by bringing you up and you are LAZY that is what you are and we don’t have to pay for ANY OF IT young lady and we don’t have to let you live in this house we do that out of the KINDNESS OF OUR HEARTS young lady and when have you ever brought in any income hm you interrupt me at work every day calling me asking for something because you can’t PLAN AHEAD and you are lucky young lady that i am able to contain this because next time i won’t i’ll tell you just what i think of you i’ll tell you how difficult it’s been to raise you and how we can’t wait to have you out of the house and how sick i am of your INGRATITUDE

Ich entkomme, du entkommst, es entkommt. I am still not listening to you. I will not listen to you. Ich entkomme.

I think you do look fat in that dress, and your new hair cut isn’t doing anything for your mildly but definitively asymmetrical facial features, let me tell you.

Real life conversations are difficult because I’ve been staring at you from across the top of my cubicle for months now, just watching you answer the phone or whatever and play with your necklace and put it in your mouth as you talk, and twist your ring on and off your finger, and absently click the kind of pens that click. And now I don’t have Wikipedia at my disposal for the purposes of seeming erudite and knowledgeable and I’m not really sure how well I can fake it because I don’t remember too much about Schrödinger’s Equation. I had a pet cat as a kid though. Shit.

Maybe the whole “subjecting him to the Schrödinger’s Equation conversation needlessly” thing is a bit cruel. Maybe I should just tell him I have a boyfriend, spare him the discomfort. But no, this is too good.

Fuck. The cat was named Allan. No idea why. My older sister named it and my mom was near deathly allergic and had these tectonic coughing fits whenever it came near her. But I don’t really think that’s related. Is Schrödinger’s Equation even the same as Schrödinger’s Cat? Is Schrödinger spelled with an umlaut? Given my total ignorance regarding German (?) physicists (?), maybe I should just change the subject. Admit to not knowing. Say something seemingly brilliantly equivocal. Reference something else. Or just ask her to get a coffee. Maybe that.

Discomfort reaching maximum levels. Better extricate myself from this situation before he actually makes an advance and I’m forced to reveal that I’m just kind of sadistic. Also, Schrödinger is Austrian. Not German at all.
Just say it: Isupergluedhertothechair. Not like that. Not quickly, the way you just thought it. Say it, articulate it. I am very sorry, Mr. Miller. I apologize. I am responsible for The Super-gluing Incident. Or say this, this sounds good: Mr. Miller, I think I know what happened. I saw some men with black masks on coming in the window during recess. Carrying guns. And superglue. I thought this information might be relevant. No. That’s unrealistic. Just come out, say it. What can they do to you? I feel bad. I do. It just seemed like the kind of thing you have to do once in your life, super-gluing someone to a chair.

My cousin and her boyfriend used to make mashed potatoes every year at Thanksgiving when I was a kid—just like we’re doing right now—and I would sit nearby, doing something useless which I believed to be immeasurably useful, like cutting carrots into incrementally smaller and smaller pieces, and I would watch them forget that I was in the room and forget that the room existed altogether and forget that the house existed, and it was other-worldly the way that they seemed so completely still even when the rest of the house was moving and people came and went making pies or getting glasses and it was like water moving over rock, the people moving around them. And no one ever got between them, ever. No one so much as walked between them. And I wonder if you know how much it means to me, this ritual of preparing mashed potatoes together. We used to have Thanksgiving at my uncle’s farmhouse, which was cold and the air was thin and often it would snow, and not light November snow but snow that cemented the doors closed. Or maybe it grows deeper in my memory, the snow. The kitchen had an old stove and my cousin and her boyfriend sat in front of it peeling potatoes and glowing with the light of reflected fire and they seemed old and strange and completely at ease with each other in a way I hadn’t ever conceptualized. They made horrible mashed potatoes. But still. They did what we’re doing right now, all those years ago, engaged in a sort of wordless conversation. And now you. Kind of glowing that same way even though there is no fire. With your perfect nose and the freckle on your thumb. Peeling potatoes. And I wonder if you know how much it means. I wonder if would be alright to tell you, maybe.

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The Red Osprey

by Aaron Colston ’14

——————————–Catch.
———————————–Drive.
————————————–Finish.
—————————————–Recovery.

——————————–Catch.
———————————–Drive.
————————————–Finish.
—————————————–Recovery.

——————————–Catch.
———————————–Drive.
————————————–Finish.
—————————————–Recovery.

Otto sculled down the river, his rhythmic stroking pattern bearing him across the surface of the water. Like a bird soaring seamlessly through the air, Otto’s dolphin cut into the river; every time his oars slid into the water they made ripples that permeated the body of the river, creeping along the face of the water and becoming waves upon waves, eternally.

At three o’ clock Otto ended up at the boat house where a huge crowd gathered around the television in the lobby, peering over his uncle’s shoulders.

Otto got out of the dolphin, unlocked the oars, and sat them on the dock.   “Can I get some help here?” He asked, turning around. He everyone in the boat house was mesmerized by the program on the television, and ignored him. “Uncle Dave!” he hollered, and the man looked up, in a daze. He nudged his way out of the crowd and helped his nephew take the boat out of the river. Otto asked him what happened.

“You’re not going to believe it,” David said.

“Try me.”

“Jack Bailey died last night.”

Otto stopped walking. Jack Bailey? Dead? “You were right—I don’t believe it,” Otto managed to reply. “When did they find out?”

“This morning,” David told him, as they placed the dolphin on the rack.

“But he broke the world record two days ago!”

“That’s what I said. But I guess that doesn’t make you immortal.”

A couple people in the crowd hissed at Otto and his uncle. They sheepishly went over and joined them in watching the newsflash. It featured parts of Jack Bailey’s life: growing up as a boy, he was a prodigy in sculling and crew. As a man, he was a business owner, a world-record breaker, a legend.

When the documentary ended Otto walked over to the boat racks, where the singles were kept. His eyes fell immediately on Jack Bailey’s single, which was a vibrant red with a clean white stripe down both sides. Otto reached out with his hands to touch the single. His fingers shivered. He was touching Jack Bailey’s single. The same single he sculled in on the day he broke the record. Otto pried his fingers off the boat. He didn’t know why he was so excited. This wasn’t the first time he’d touched Jack Bailey’s single.

He remembered the night vividly. It was humid. Sitting on the dock of the boat house, he could see the sunset ebbing into the horizon, and the stars scattered across the sky. He tried finding constellations–Big Dipper, Little Dipper. Orion’s Belt. He couldn’t remember any others. He tried using his imagination to make some up, like drawing lines in connect-the-dots. There weren’t a lot of stars out tonight to draw with.

Jack Bailey slid his single beside the dock. In the moonlight, Otto could see Jack Bailey’s features as clear as day. The thick white mustache, the hair graying at the temples. The shoulders that could carry a horse down the fastest running river. The legs, lean and bulging with strength.

“Well, boy?” Jack Bailey called, holding onto his single as he stepped onto the dock. “Help me get her out,” Jack Bailey said. Otto leapt onto his feet and ran over to Jack Bailey. He and Jack Bailey took the single by the handles. They heaved the single onto their shoulders. Otto touched the stomach of the single, sliding his fingers back and forth like a pious, reverent child easing the beads of a rosary through his hands.

At a quarter to six, there were only eleven people left in the lobby of the boat house, lounging comfortably. Otto sat on the carpet and rested his back against the leg of the sofa, which he liked because he could see beyond the storage bay for the boats and look at the dock and the river. Normally when he sat like that he would imagine getting into a boat. In his imagination, he would scull out into the dimming light of sunset. This time, as he imagined going out onto the river and sculling, he saw himself in Jack Bailey’s single. There was completeness, an assured feeling of rightness somewhere inside of him as he imagined it. He sighed with longing.

“Jesus, he was a good man,” David burst out suddenly. He sat on the couch, near Otto.

“One helluva businessman,” one man said.

“I’m sorry?” Otto’s uncle asked.

“Come no one wants to talk about ‘business’. The man was found dead just this morning. Give everyone time to breathe.”

“I don’t think anything’s wrong with–” he paused. Collected himself. “The man’s left a legacy, a legacy. Can’t blame me for thinking about that. I worked with him for twenty-five years, I should be able to say something about it.”

Otto watched the man get up from his chair, who scratched his head. “It’d be a helluva waste, a helluva waste,” he murmured to himself. He breathed deeply. He stretched his hand out like an artist preparing to paint a picture on a gigantic canvas. He dipped his tongue into his palette of words and began to paint against the silence of the room.

“You walk into Bailey’s Sporting Goods…right in the boating section, you see it. Jack Bailey’s single.” Eugene paused, admiring his work. He continued. “The boat that broke the world record: ‘The Red Osprey’. It looks down at you, glistening–” then, with one sweeping stroke of the tongue “–it’s like it has a life of its own.”

The people in the lounge admired the man’s work. But then Otto’s uncle laughed. “So you want it up there, like a relic?” David asked.

The man shook his head furiously. “Not a relic!” The word made his face twist with disgust. “Remove that from your vocabulary, Dave. Snatch it, snatch it and spit it out!” Otto’s uncle quieted down, although he couldn’t help but snigger intermittently at the man’s sudden nakedness.

“Then what would you call it?” Otto asked. He was surprised that he had spoken up among all these adults. The people in the lounged looked at Otto in sympathy, and then looked at the man. He thought about it for a while.

“A treasure. A bona fide treasure,” he said.

“A treasure!” David cried, bursting into laughter.

The man sat down, his cheeks red with embarrassment as the chair rustled beneath him. Otto returned to looking at the river. He closed his eyes and thought back to the humid evening when he’d touched the single.

“What’s your favorite bird, boy?” Jack Bailey had asked, while he and Otto sat on the dock together.

“I dunno, Mr. Bailey. What’s yours?”

“Pandion haliaetus.”

“Oh,” Otto said.

“The osprey.”

“Why the osprey?”

Jack Bailey gave it a moment or two. “When I was a kid, I lived in a house by the lake. On the shore my father and I put up a pole. On that pole, every day at five o’ clock in the morning, an osprey would come and perch on it.”

Otto hung onto every morsel of Jack Bailey’s words.

“It would call: whew, whew. Or, a sharp cheeap, cheeap. Whenever I got up it was because of that bird. I’d get up out of bed and get out on my boat, and scull up and down the lake until I had to go to school. Then, when I got back from crew practice, I’d get back into my boat and watch the osprey—my osprey—preen its feathers, fly around the lake, making its calls.

Lots of times I saw it eat the fish in the lake. I would see it circling in the air, high, about eighty feet, and then swoop down and catch a fish with its sharp talons. There were lots of fish, so the thought never came to me that the osprey would go away.” “Did it?” Otto asked.

Jack Bailey nodded. “Lots of times.” He chuckled. “But the first time it happened I was scared it’d never come back. My mother (she was an ornithologist, you know) told me that they were common mostly in California, Florida and pretty much everywhere on the globe except New England. So I guess I should have felt pretty great that I had such a rare bird around.”

Otto and Jack Bailey let quiet sit between them for a little while. “But the bird would come back, right?” Otto asked him, suddenly. Jack Bailey grinned.“Yep. That would make my week. I could have the lousiest week a boy could have had, and if that osprey was there, I’d be great. If I had a great week, the osprey just made it better.” Now Otto was eager to see the bird. “Where is it now?”

The humor in Jack Bailey’s face left. He stared at Otto, and the boy could see that Jack Bailey was weighing whether or not to answer.

“As usual I woke up to the osprey’s call. I didn’t think the day would be any different. But when I got out of bed, I heard a pounding bang. I knew it was a gunshot, because of the way the bang tore at the air. Then, there was the screech, and right away I looked out the window. There I saw the osprey dead on the grass by the lake, floating in a pond of dark red blood.

“I ran outside and so did my parents. Sometimes I think about how I must have looked picking that bird up in my arms, my pajamas soaked with blood. If I’d known how much trouble ospreys make for fishermen, I wouldn’t have reacted so badly. I don’t blame the guy who shot my osprey. He had to do it.” Jack Bailey coughed.

“Everyday, without fail, I wake up at five o’clock in the morning, and hear that osprey.” Jack Bailey said those words as if he were amazed at himself. “Whew, whew, cheeap, cheeap. Every day, without fail.”

Jack Bailey’s eyes glazed solemnly. Otto looked at him for a while, and then at the single he and Jack Bailey had put on the rack. After that, Otto returned to looking at the stars. He watched them sparkle, and remembered from class that those stars were dead, but the light was just arriving to earth. The thought filled Otto’s imagination and was stirred in with Jack Bailey’s osprey the basin of his mind.

Otto looked at the clock on the wall. Six-fifteen. He set his watch to it, and made sure it was just right.

“I think there’s a better use for the boat,” a woman said. When Otto looked around the couch to her, he could see the woman biting her nails in thought. “It’s just a guess.”

Her figure shifted; she adjusted her shirt and crossed her legs. She dressed like she always did when she came to the boathouse: a bright-colored shirt, bright tennis shoes, mute-colored pants. Otto watched her carefully, up and down, up and down. She was very beautiful. Otto’s throat suddenly felt dry.

Otto remembered the sheer joy on the woman’s face and the great excitement showing all over her body the day that Jack Bailey won the world record.  Otto remembered the way she went over to Jack Bailey that day, how she strode down to the dock and embraced him like a flower embracing a bee, and how Jack Bailey grinned a big grin and kissed her on the mouth.

The lips that had kissed Jack Bailey moved. “We could give it to charity,” she said. “I think Jack would have wanted that.”

David leaned forward. “Are you saying that because you can’t have it for yourself?” He asked the woman, who sat across from him. Otto could see humor twinkling in David’s eyes.

“Oh, no,” she said. “If I got that thing I wouldn’t know what to do with it. I would probably hang it up on a wall or something too.” David’s chuckle betrayed his humor. “But wouldn’t it be nice to have it? The Red Osprey. Jack Bailey’s single. All yours. It’d make a pretty good conversation piece.” She shrugged.

“I suppose. But…God, I’d rather have him instead of that rusty boat. What’s a girl going to do with a boat, anyway? She can’t talk to it, can’t hold it, can’t kiss it. It’s just a boat–a rusty old boat.” A glossy film covered her eyes. They welled with water and gentle brooks streamed down her cheeks. The woman wiped her eyes with her fingers and took a tissue from the table.

David reclined into the couch, and Otto saw bewilderment splattered across his uncle’s face. “We’ll just have to wait for the will, Hannah,” someone in the group said to the woman. “He had to have left you something. He loved you.”

“He better have left us something,” David exclaimed, trying to cheer her up. “We let him use this place free of charge!” The people in the lounge laughed aloud.  Even Hannah, whose eyes were red and puffy, managed to smile a little. Otto smiled too and looked at the river. He could see himself sitting with Jack Bailey on the dock.

“So, what’s your favorite bird? You haven’t told me yet, boy.” Jack Bailey asked him.

“I don’t know anything about birds, sir.”

“Do they have wings?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Do they have beaks?”

“Yes, sir.”

“Can they fly?”

Otto remembered a lesson he had in class. “Well, an ostrich can’t fly, but it’s still a bird.” Jack Bailey shook his head. “Alright, as long as it isn’t an ostrich.”

“But I like the ostrich,” Otto objected.

“Alright, fine. So your favorite bird’s the ostrich.”

“No, I want to change it. I want it to be a falcon.”

Jack Bailey chuckled. “Are you sure?”

Otto looked suspiciously at Jack Bailey. “I changed my mind. I like the ostrich better.”

“Ostrich it is.” The way Jack Bailey said it made it sound official. Jack Bailey patted Otto’s head. “Ostrich it is.”

Otto looked at his watch and saw that it was seven o’clock. By now the people  in the lounge were beginning to leave. Only Otto and his uncle were left. Otto was told to double-check the inventory of oars and boats in the storage bay. He made sure each and every wherry, aero, dolphin and single were in their desired place. All boats were present and accounted for–including Jack Bailey’s single.

Otto put down the clipboard he used for inventory and approached Jack Bailey’s single. He let his fingers slide up and down its stomach. Near the single’s stern, he could feel scratches—scratches too deep to be accidental. Otto stood on the tip of his toes so he could see.

—————————————–“For Otto, the Ostrich.”

“Uncle Dave!” Otto cried.

When his uncle arrived Otto showed them the engraving. Otto’s uncle David tugged at the air as if he was pulling a train whistle and hollered. They saw, and believed.

Without a word, Uncle David helped Otto take the single down to the river. As Otto waited in the water his uncle went back to get the oars. Otto locked the oars in and took a deep breath.

He pushed against the dock, and the single glided along the face of the water. When far enough into the river, he began his stroke.

——————————–Catch.
———————————–Drive.
————————————–Finish.
—————————————–Recovery.

Went  down the river until his legs and arms and back got tired. When he couldn’t go anymore, he stopped. The water carried the boat along, and it slowly came to a stop.

Otto stared up at the stars, and this time he could see an entire galaxy’s worth. He connected the glittery dots, sketching and drawing shape after shape, until they became real, astral paintings, celestial masterpieces.

He drew Jack Bailey in the stars, the Jack Bailey that he knew and loved. He drew him looking down, watching the boy in his single.

Somehow Otto could see countless faces of people smiling ear to ear, causing an overwhelming joy to rise in him. He was raptured upwards with the boat, and he could see himself rowed across the black water of the sky. The stars waded in the rippling waves left by Otto’s single.

It was his now. The whole universe was his. He belonged now to the universe: there, living, breathing, rowing. Sleeping.

Otto sat up, his head swimming. From the look of it, it was morning. He glanced at his watch.

Five o’clock.

Otto yawned and stretched. He sculled back to the boat house, where an entire world was waiting.

—————————————–Catch.
————————————–Drive.
———————————–Finish.
——————————–Recovery.

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Jacqueline extends a business proposal

An excerpt from the novel, Neon Catalog
by Drew Lerman ’10

Enrique was supposed to meet Jacqueline at a little Cuban cafetería near his building, which pleased him because her Spanish was very poor.  She had asked him to meet her this past weekend at a Jewish deli in Aventura, but he’d said he was too busy to listen to her ask him for money.  She hung up and he finished his Scotch feeling, finally, happy to the bone.  He unpaused Andrea Bocelli whose voice returned flying high midchorus through “Con te partirò,” and he thought how nice it was to be alone in the world in a big leather chair in your state-of-the-art media room.  She called back later and they agreed to meet Thursday downtown near his office.

He arrived at the place at one twenty.  The tables were mostly taken and there was a din of loud Spanish in the humid interior.  Jacqueline was drinking iced coffee at a little table for two and seemed very involved in a bitter line of thought.  She looked gaunt and frail, and he realized that as the years passed his desire to fuck her was slowly returning.

“You’re late,” she said.

“What are you saying?”

“I’m saying you’re twenty minutes late.”

He sat down, laughing.  “You known me twenty-five years, I show up a little late and this is some kind of a surprise to you?  This is some kind of a shock wave?”

“Shock wave?”  Even repeating it seemed to pain her.

“I’m saying, you known me how long?”

She raised her hands and said, “O-kay.”  It was simultaneously a gesture of defeat and superiority, an I-won’t-sink-this-low.  It had traveled with them through years of marriage and then years of divorce, and by now it brought him a merry nostalgia.

He lifted the cup of water that had been waiting for him, and he drank still grinning.

“I think it’s a case of you like this,” he said.  “You like having this fight.”

“I don’t like having this fight.”  Her eyes were moving along the Cuban wall decorations now.

“You like it.  To you, it’s a lot of fun.  You get to the place on time, you know I’ll be late, and then when I’m late we get to have this little song and dance.  Then you say that in America when someone says one o’clock it means one o’clock.”

“Okay, Enrique.”

“Isn’t that the case?  Am I wrong?”

“You really are just a true wit.”

“Then I’m gonna say, you know what I’m gonna say.  I’m gonna say, this ain’t America, honey!  It’s Miami!”  He laughed with squinted eyes and banged the table.

“Right, very good.  Very funny.”

“Then we order some food and you say, So listen, I need some money.”

“First of all, false.”

“You say, Enrique baby, listen, I need some money.”

“First of all, no.  First of all, let me just say that I know Miami, I know plenty about Miami.  Miami doesn’t have appointments, people do.  Some people are on time and some people are late.  Second of all —”

Enrique was chuckling.

“Second of all, I’m not coming to ask you for money, I’m coming to you with a business proposition.”

“Oh, this I’m excited for,” he said.  “This I look forward to.”

A plump waitress came over and asked for their orders in Spanish.  Enrique took a long time ordering a lot of food, joking with her, changing his order halfway.  Jacqueline said, “I want like a salad.”  It was almost a dare and her hands were raised again.  “Can I have a salad with some chicken in it?”

The waitress glanced at Enrique and at Jacqueline.  Then she nodded.

Y para beber?” she asked Enrique.

Café cubano.”

Bueno.”

The waitress left and Jacqueline’s eyes lingered again on the walls.  “You see that look she gave me?”  Her eyes remained away from his.

Enrique shook his head.  “You’re crazy.  You’re like people who hear voices.”

“Okay.”  She gave that same look of mature surrender.  “I’m saying is that a bizarre thing to order?  To get a salad with chicken in a restaurant?  No.  I come in here, I don’t speak Spanish, I’m getting looks for ordering a salad with chicken.  This is why you bring me here.  You think I don’t know that?”

“I bring you here because I know you love to come here.”

“She’s giving me looks.  Meanwhile, welcome to America.  And look at the walls here, there’s like an out-and-out nativity scene.”

Enrique looked at the shelf she pointed out, where, sure enough, there was a little wooden nativity scene.

“You don’t like the baby Jesus?”

“It’s not the baby Jesus, it’s more like — or rather, I don’t know, you don’t like the twenty-first century?”

Enrique shook his head, spread his napkin across his lap.  “I don’t love it.”

“I’m saying, we’re not in a, a, an iglesia, here.  Which is where, which is where in the twenty-first century these things are relegated.  As opposed to, I’m trying to eat lunch.”

“I’m not crazy about the twenty-first century.  Take it or leave it is my opinion.”

“Uh huh.”  She sucked up the bottom of her iced coffee.

The door jingled open and Enrique watched a slutty-looking woman work her way through the restaurant and settle at a barstool.  Jacqueline gave him a look.

“So,” he said, “you came here to talk to me about money or about the baby Jesus?  I could do either.”

“I’m here with a business proposition.  And it’s something which, long-term, is going to save you a lot of money.”

“Oh I love this one,” he said, glancing again at the slutty-looking woman.  “A classic case of I’ll gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today.”

“Okay.”

“I’m saying Popeye.  That’s my favorite cartoon, did you know that?  Whatsisname.”

“Wimpy,” she offered.

“Wimpy, right.”  Enrique chuckled more, but sensed it was time to settle.  “Wimpy,” he repeated.

They sat in a brief stalemate and allowed the adjacent conversation — a woman and a man arguing about Castro — to occupy their table for a time.  Then Jacqueline widened her eyes to indicate her readiness to get down to business.

“So okay,” she began.  “I’m doing my part in this little game.  I go to the gym five, six days a week.  I have a trainer.  I’m on JDate, I have an account, I message people and I meet them.  I go to these charities and events and I — I network.  You know.”

“You’re telling me this.”

“Not to mention, you have no idea how good I’ve had to get at oral.”

“Ha, okay.”

“What I’m trying to convey is that I’m doing my part.  It’s not like I’m not trying.”

Enrique’s Cuban coffee arrived and he didn’t acknowledge the waitress or look at the cup before lifting it for a little sip beneath his mustache.  His eyebrows were arched at Jacqueline.  It seemed she was up to something real good this time.  Although, there was no doubt about it, she wanted some money.

“I’m waiting for the moment of I-get-it.”

“It’s simple,” she said.  “I mean, it’s your area of expertise.  Entrepreneurship.  If you want to succeed you’ve got to adapt, right?”

“Sure.”

“Let’s say you have a business, shipping goods.  Everyone’s going around in trucks and you’ve got a horse.”

“You’re saying that’s no good.”

“Of course,” she said.  “How can a person succeed when you’re basically working with old technology?  I’m saying you’re competing.  It’s survival.  It’s like what you say, like why did the dinosaurs go extinct but not the cockroach.”

“Because cockroaches adapted.  Sure.  I love that one.”

“Yeah it’s good, which is why I bring it up.  The cockroaches could adapt.  That’s entrepreneurship.  If you don’t adapt, you can’t survive.”  She let the words sink in a second and then she leaned in.  “So what I’m looking for from you is an investment.”

“Uh huh.”

“Which long-term —”

“Is gonna save me a lot of money, yeah, I heard about it,” he said and leaned in too, lowering his voice.  “How much are we talking?”

They shared a long stare down, neither cracking.  Their food came, but they only squinted their eyes and continued staring.

Finally, Jacqueline said, “I’m going to need eight thousand dollars.”

“No.”

“Now listen, just listen.  Like I said, I’m doing my part, I’m putting in the hours.  But you’ve been to South Beach, Enrique, you know what it’s like.  I’m competing with mutants out there.  Sure, I can give a guy the eyes and get myself a free drink, okay.  And I do JDate, I go out to dinner, but I’m gonna be forty-seven now.  Forty-seven.  I need to get myself remarried today.  Not tomorrow, not next Wednesday, and certainly not next year.  I don’t have that kind of time on my hands.  I go to the gym, I stay in shape, but the fact of the matter is that the streets are packed end to end with these . . . these creatures — tan and toned, everyone seems to be eighteen years old.”  She exhaled and briefly flashed the same dark expression he’d found on her face when he arrived.  She finished up quickly: “The fact of the matter, anyone my age who expects to stay in the game needs a boob job, and so that’s what I’m asking for.  Eight thousand dollars for a breast augmentation procedure thing — everyone else has one — and then I’ll get myself remarried and your alimony goes down, or goes away probably.”

Enrique smiled in a daze and shoveled a forkful of rice into his mouth.

“So will you do it?” she asked.

He lifted his napkin from his lap to wipe his mouth as he chewed.  “You’ve got to be fucking crazy,” he said.

“What?”

“You’ve literally got to be out of your mind.  Are you crazy?  Do you think I’m going to pay eight thousand dollars for you to get a boob job?”

“You’d be crazy not to!  I mean.  We’re talking about eight thousand dollars.  What’s eight thousand dollars?  Think what this is going to save you long term.  I mean do you have any idea what kind of money you’re paying me every month?”

“Do I have any idea?”

“Obviously you do.  My point is, this will save you eight thousand dollars so fast you won’t even miss it.  And more.”

“Jacqueline, no.  The answer is no.  You have my money, it’s yours to do what you want with.  Save it, spend it, I don’t give a fuck what you do with it, but that’s it!  That’s all you get.”

Jacqueline put two fingers to her forehead, annoyed.  “Enrique, you know that isn’t enough.  I’ve got the house and the maintenance and not to mention all these parties and charities, you can’t even imagine.”

“I can’t imagine?  Get a smaller house!  Who’s saying you have to keep the house?  Who’s saying you have to keep going to all of these cocktails and events and festivals?  Or — I don’t know — how about getting a job like everybody else!  Do you know that people go to work and sit in offices?”

“Enrique, don’t be ridiculous please.”

“Ridiculous?  I’m serious!  I never been more serious.”

“Listen, it’s not like I want a boob job.  You’re getting way too emotional about this, it’s a business venture.  I get myself remarried, your alimony goes down.  Plain and simple.”

“Okay.”  He frowned and looked through a near window.  “Okay.  Well, how do I know you’re going to get remarried?  What’s the security here?”

“Trust me, I know the whole infrastructure of it.  It’s not that hard, you just have to have everything in place.  I mean, like I told you I’m basically a goddess with oral now.  I’m smart, I’m fashionable, I’m tactful, I say the right thing.  I take care of myself, I look good minus a handful of wrinkles (which obviously that’s treatable).  Essentially, there’s a million older Jewish guys in Miami with money who I’m exactly what they’re looking for.  The boob job is the missing ingredient.  I know this.  I’m out there doing field work all day every day, I’m talking facts.”

Enrique shifted his weight and his eyes moved blackly beneath his brow.  “Sure, but why wouldn’t these guys just go for a thirty-five year old with a boob job?”

“Some men want women their own age.”

Enrique laughed and spit out some rice.  “That’s not true,” he said.

“Yes it is,” she said.

They ate a while longer in silence.  “It is,” she repeated.  “I’m doing my part out there, and there are all different kinds of people.”

Enrique said he would think about it.

Tagged with:
 

McFitz the Drag

by Frank Santo ’11

McFitz strides to the car like a king to his royal coach. He motions to Gordie to move into the back before opening the door and slithering into the still- warm passenger’s seat. The car instantly fills with the distinct scent of cheap cologne mixed with body odor. As I pull away from his white-brick house he starts up with his usual nonsense:

“Dude so later, after you guys left, that chick with the rack, remember that like huge rack, yeah well me and the chick with the huge rack went upstairs and like we’re getting into it and she was like, she was like making all these noises and I was just like ‘shutup bitch, I’m trying to concentrate.’” McFitz chortles with deep, throaty power and imitates the face some girl with a huge rack made while having sex with him. I catch Gordie’s eye in the rearview mirror and he quickly pretends to gaze out the window. McFitz continues his fascinating tale: “And the bitch just would not shutup. I wanted to pop her in the face and make her shut her goddamn mouth, Ha!”  My fingers rap on the steering wheel, improvising a hectic beat. “Dude that girl was hot,” I muster, and laugh casually.

All of McFitz’s stories end with him doing or wanting to do something horrible to someone else. They are never funny, and always leave a stale aftertaste, though I usually laugh anyway. The vacant holes behind his eyes compel me to. I want to rip my throat out when I hear my voice laughing. I stare forward out onto the dark road and press my foot on the gas with a little more urgency.

I turn left onto Church Street and McFitz immediately informs me that because we are meeting people in the woods behind the High School to get shithoused I should have taken a right, and therefore am a retard.  “Oh, shit,” I explain. Gordie passes the bottle but I decline softly. McFitz grabs it and swigs greedily. “Why do you always get such cheap shit Fagman?” he whines. He calls me Fagman because my last name is Bagman and he is extremely clever. I catch Gordie’s eye in the backseat and he smiles weakly like he always does whenever McFitz makes fun of someone other than him.

McFitz does not pass the bottle, preferring to swig greedily and complain. His oversized Adam’s apple swells and creeps down his skinny throat each time he swallows. His phone rings and he checks to see who is calling. He informs no one in particular that the person calling him is a fucking loser. “Yeah, dude” I reply, “fucking loser.”

My mind is fogged with a vague sense of guilt because earlier this week when I was sitting in my room thinking about death and violence my Father walked in without knocking and said we needed to talk. “You’re sleeping with dogs kid…” he’d said, leaving the aphorism unfinished. If I were to tell this to my two companions McFitz would tell me to cry him a fucking river and Gordie would smile weakly. Normally we just talk about pussy and how gay everyone is.

As I drive past the new housing development on Front St. McFitz talks about how gay our friend David is for hanging out with his girlfriend all the time. He tries to convince us that David isn’t really our friend anymore because he values getting laid over hanging out with his “bros.” His voice is fading in and out of my consciousness. The greedy animal has been ripping us off for a long time and we all know it.  He is a leech with fake diamond stud earrings. “What a bitch,” I hear my voice say. McFitz calls me fagman again and he and Gordie laugh. I chuckle to myself about something else.

I look out the window and notice that the moon would be especially beautiful tonight, but I’ve never liked the dim light. A black screen of leafless trees obscures my view of the grim white orb and brings my attention back to driving.

David calls my cell-phone and asks how everything is going and I tell him that I’ll call him back later. I flip the phone shut and turn it off. McFitz says I shouldn’t even answer that fag’s calls. I apologize profusely. It was only a few weeks ago that McFitz convinced David to help him break into his aunt’s house while she was on vacation and steal the money she kept hidden underneath the dresser. “She’s just some old bag,” he’d said, “I mean whatever its like three hundred dollars.”  The plan had worked flawlessly..

McFitz again complains that the whiskey is making his stomach flop. “You buy it next time,” I almost say. Talking back to McFitz is hardly worth the effort. I usually prefer to just imagine myself cutting him down with witty and biting insults. The moonlight pouring through the car window illuminates the right side of his face. He shifts uncomfortably in his seat.

McFitz fucks with the window controls as I speed past the High School. His grubby fingers smear the buttons with the oil from his pores. He starts talking again, killing the drone of the silence I was beginning to cherish: “I think we can go over to Lauren’s house tonight, a little later…” he says. I wait for him to make a remark about how he wants to fuck Lauren or what a dumb slut she is, but instead he stops mid-sentence. He is out of breath. The phlegm in his throat partially obscures his deep exhalations and creates a gargling sound. It is disgusting.

My heart drums to a tribal rhythm as I turn down the street that leads to Dekham Pond. I repeat over and over again in my head that I different from this. I am a good kid. I am a young man of dignity and honor. I am tired of the fleas. McFitz shifts in his seat again and rolls down the window because he thinks it is the heat that is making him start to sweat. The rush of air swirls through the car and cools me and Gordie’s seething brains. “Where the fuck are we going?” McFitz rasps, looking a little pale. I tell him that I hid some beers down by the water. Gordie’s mouth is twitching and he is straining to contain himself.

The road is sandy and full of potholes and I wonder if the Buick has four-wheel drive because I don’t want to get stuck in these woods. I start thinking about my father again. I am his only son. I used to sit on his lap and steer this car while he worked the pedals and pretended like it was really up to me what direction we headed in. I ease my feet off the gas. McFitz is sweating uncontrollably and complaining that we have to pull over because the goddamn retards at Burger King gave him food poisoning and he needs to throw up. Gordie and I assure him that they didn’t.

When the car stops McFitz throws the door open and staggers to the ground. He clutches his stomach and grunts like an agitated animal. The moonlight glints off his fake diamond stud earrings as he vomits onto the sandy ground. I make a face of sincere sympathy and pat his back. “Are you alright? How much whiskey have you had?” I ask, but he is too busy throwing up his swollen insides to appreciate my concern. Gordie tells us he’s calling 911 and runs down to the pond where there are fewer trees to find cell-phone service. I am perplexed to see tears rolling down McFitz’s grotesquely sweaty cheeks. It is always disturbing to watch another boy cry. If I ever cried he would call me a bitch and take a picture on his camera-phone.

After what seems like hours of me standing uncertainly over his body and asking if he needs help, McFitz finally stops moving around so much and lies flat on his back on the puke-stained ground.. He sputters inaudibly and I lower my head in closer, holding my breath because I don’t want to smell him. His voice sounds like it’s been punctured.

He tells me that he is going to die and that I am his best friend. “Stop being so dramatic” I laugh. He gargles something about his mother and asks me something about his little sister. He tells me I am his best friend. I hold his hand and note that he is displaying a considerable amount of emotion for such a callous son of a bitch. His hand feels slimy and wet. A pulse of venom runs through my blood as I bite my lip and repress the urge to spit in his face.

As he lies there staring at the sky and the moon, he babbles incoherently about all the things he’ll never get to do or see. His voice breaks as he whimpers like a girl and says he’ll finally get to see his father again. I almost laugh at the thought of Jesus at the gates denying him entry. He sputters one final spring of blood from his mouth before his grip fails and his arm goes limp. I check his pulse to make sure and look at the sky. I wish it were darker out.

Gordie comes back from pretending to look for cell-phone service and stands next to me and we stare down at the still corpse that looks so pathetic in the pallor of the moonlight. Gordie kicks it in the stomach. I tell him to cool down and we just stand there for a moment feeling content before we take hold of the body and drag it to the hole we spent the entire afternoon digging and throw it in.  “Shit-head,” Gordie sneers softly as the carcass hits the wet black sand. We walk back to the car and grab the antifreeze and the bottle of whiskey and throw those in the pond because I do not want that stupid bastard to get the pleasure of sitting down there in hell and watching me and Gordie get in trouble again.

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The Pen is Mightier

by Lalo Cura ’10

Everymatter is for the gods—Often when men are lying
prostrate on the black earth they raise them upright from their
misery, and often they overturn on their backs even those
whose stance was very firm. Then much misery is theirs and
a man wanders about in need of life and distraught in mind.

-Archilochus

I once knew of a man who suffered from the strangest affliction. It appears that he fell in love with his handwriting, much to his misfortune. Should you want to scoff at the veracity of this story, then I would ask you to imagine for a moment what this man himself might have felt was the truth of his situation. No doubt he would have liked to deny it, to swear to its impossibility. But the customs of fate belong to those higher wills to which we have no access. In any case, though you may not care to ponder the metaphysical cruelty thrust upon this man, his story is most interesting for it is a story of the mind against itself.

The man’s affliction first made itself known to him at his workplace. He would be writing some simple note—too brief to need an email or letter—to his secretary or a senior partner, sometimes just to someone talking on the phone. As soon as he began to write, however, something took place in which he seemed to lose himself in the act. He could not understand it. There was something mesmerizing about the way the ink laid itself onto the paper. He would write continuously—it was the ink that flowed forth without interruption, not the words whose shapes were only a pretext for the rhythm of the pen’s movement. He could scarcely pay attention to the content of his message without falling behind the steady march of black onto white, like a river bank trying to form itself in the wake of the water’s flow.

The first time this happened, he was startled out of the trance only after having written for a considerable amount of time, finding that his out-to-lunch note was nearing seven pages in length. Such a moment understandably frightened him though he could hardly grasp what had even happened. But over the comings days and weeks he quickly realized that something was not right. It was not just the inexplicable trances of writing that unnerved him. He was developing a deep fascination with composition in long hand and it fueled bewildering desires in him whose scope was not like anything he had known or believed possible. But it was an aching nonetheless. He constantly caught himself longing to press pen against paper. And though there could be no rational motivation for such work, he began to spot the trappings of this peculiar obsession everywhere, whether it was the stacks of blank white paper that  accumulated mysteriously at the edges of his desk or the pen he constantly found himself fingering with one hand, along with others gradually lining his pockets and drawers. Sometimes he would slip out in the middle of a meeting under the pretense of needing to use the restroom, but actually he would steal away to his office to grab a slip of paper and fill it with frantic writing before coming back, even though he usually really did need to go to the restroom, and so suffered doubly from the ordeal.

The man was becoming increasingly disturbed by these conditions apparently thrust on him from nowhere, but you can hopefully appreciate the absolute lack of ideas of how to respond to the situation that occurred in his mind. For he was a normal person like you or me. He had a job, he had a wife and a daughter whom he loved more than his life itself, and there was nothing all that unique about him. At least this what he told himself in the onset of his condition. Like a mantra, he repeatedly told himself he was not unique, not different, for that was the only way to comprehend such fears as he had. But whenever he tried to ignore the desire to write or actively prevent it—even going so far as to throw away all the pens from his office and put all blank paper in the copy machine down the hall—his guts ground together even more painfully, and his self-avowed normalness rang hollow. At such times his apparent need to write would ruin any chance of being able to focus on work, and he could barely even hold a conversation without his gaze drifting to some blank wall or to his secretary’s immaculate white blouse which he imagined covering in black scribbles and shapes. When his desire was at its worst, he feared that there would be no white space left on Earth unadorned with his black figures if it were up to him.

So when the man finally decided to partially indulge this perverse affliction lest it consume him, he did so very nervously and cautiously, in the manner most appropriate for someone suddenly willing to barter with rationality for a chance at sanity. In doing so, he decided that it might be better to give his new-found proclivity for the written word a carefully specified domain in his life, without either ignoring it or giving it any undue attention. But, alas, he could not deny the rapturous indulgence he felt every time he gave his writing-desire its allotted share of attention, and this undeniable enjoyment soured much of what had previously seemed an appealing sense of objectivity and clear-headedness. In other words, he could never shake the feeling of having given into something, though he remained committed to the idea that he was the authority in the situation.

Nonetheless the poor man managed to stymie the growth of his obsession, and he kept it from interfering with his life on the whole, save his mind’s inner life, where it occupied an increasing portion. Suffice it to say that he tried to regard the whole issue as a secret hobby that, dormant until now, had awoken in him with vigorous demands for the attention it had previously missed and which, once provided, would allow it to resume its proper and innocuous place. He thus remained determined to treat it this way. But for how long can the mind tell itself to itself? So he started buying high quality paper from a stationery store, both plain white and an assortment of monogrammed pads and letterheads. He stopped using his computer calendar and instead carried an appointment book in which he found he could practice containing his writing.

The man’s most profoundly important purchase in this period, however, was his pen. Few can say they belong to the elite community for whom finely crafted writing instruments mean something. But the man, whether his membership owed to conditions of madness, experienced the deep delight of possessing a pen of such a high quality along with the critical capacities to know it. At a well-known store selling hand crafted Swiss pens, he had scarcely looked over two of them before he saw the one he knew was to be his. A beautiful black fountain pen with a rhodium-plated 14K gold nib, highly polished platinum clip and fittings, and an elegant pattern of four laser-engraved tannish lines running down its black lacquer barrel. In no time he purchased it, registered it, and took it home, where he immediately seized the nearest piece of fine blank paper and, inspecting his new mistress once more in the light, wrote:

Here writes the first words of my pen, Hypatia.

And just below this he signed his full name so exquisitely and fittingly that he fleetingly regretted not having been given a longer name. He sat back, admiring the inscription next to which he laid the pen down, though he didn’t have the faintest idea where the words or the pen’s name came from in his mind.

For the next few months, with Hypatia constantly at his side, the man enjoyed a period of happiness. His desire to write and the passion it sometimes involved had not lessened any but he felt he could now contain it, or at least channel it. At the office he began to do some of his work in long hand which at first his secretary and some of the senior partners discouraged though they soon found that his work was more meticulous and comprehensive this way. They made no fuss. At home the man also spent increasingly more time writing. He told his wife that he had decided to finally tinker with a novel he wanted to write in his spare time, an idea he had had since law school and which his wife admired and had always hoped he would carry out. In truth, he had no idea what to write about, and even less idea about the origins of what he really did write in all those hours he spent with Hypatia in his study at night. But nonetheless, for the time being the man felt happy and increasingly confident that things were as he had imagined them to be.

Sadly, this was not the case for the poor man, for the darker side of his affliction had yet to fully emerge, though he had begun to miss signs that it was already loosening itself from his control. When he did notice, it was at his firm, where his colleagues expressed some concern about some of the work he had submitted in longhand. Though the complaints were not specific, he feared that they were not about the quality of his work but something more fundamental and ominous. It seemed to him that either his discipline had gone lax or his illness had progressed. In either case, the scent of something uncontrollable in his writing again sent frightening signals his way. On looking at some of the documents he had done he quickly realized that his basic coherence often disintegrated over the course of the page and its meaning tended uneasily towards dilapidation. His fear pointed to something he had tried so hard to disprove. Still, he acted quickly to rectify the threat to his work and switched all of his writing over to the computer again, even relegating his personal planner practice to his free time and only copying its content from his laptop. But he also knew this meant that he would have to increase his already large share of at-home writing. Though he reasoned that if that was what he had to do to keep the frontlines of his inner crisis from extending outward, then that was what he would do. He just hoped he could keep it from affecting his family life, whose integrity he placed above his own happiness.

The man was confounded by woes beyond remedy. He would look in the mirror and see age around his eyes and in the lines across his face, age in his soul. Even if others could not see what he saw, he knew it was there. And he knew that you can count the wrinkles on a face the same way it is said that you can measure a tree’s age by the number of rings in its trunk. But trees are without either worry or wisdom, which both advance secret years upon a person.

The man’s young daughter, however, had noticed her dad’s new-found affinity for pens and, having mistaken it for something like the innocuous hobbies and preoccupations that gradually adorn adult life but which are, however, controllable and voluntary—decided to give her dad a pen she decorated at school as an anniversary present. For the first time, the man realized that his formerly private crisis and confounding affliction had become visible to others. This aroused in him a distinct degree of uneasiness and led him to further consider the possibility of needing to reach out for help, though he was worried that such an act would irreparably damage the claim to sanity that the gesture itself would be intended to rescue.

Nonetheless, the man was of course very touched by his daughter’s gift even as it sent ripples of fear through his limbs. That night he even proceeded to use the gifted pen to try to articulate, on paper, his problem for the first time. And in the act he felt a touch of warmth for having made even a slight step toward asking for help. This letter, however, and the many others it led to, were themselves afflicted by the curse they tried to name, getting lost in their own writing and failing to communicate anything. In short, the attempt was disastrous. The letters were riddled with misspelled words, incoherence, and a worrying lack of grammatical recognizability. The writing itself began to veer wildly around the page, and the mass of sheets before him, littered with pretty scribbles and the hieroglyphs of madness, represented an undeniable milestone in the degradation of his written capacity for communication. Despair and anguish descended on him. The pen given by his daughter, a standard red ballpoint with glitter sparkles and colored pipe cleaners glued to its cap, began to taunt him. Nor could its tyrannical inadequacies escape his now highly developed critical understanding of the merits of various writing instruments. In his pocket he could feel Hypatia seethe with indignity in her soft cloth travel case. He threw the wicked gift aside angrily and, turning to a new stack of blank paper, unscrewed Hypatia’s cap and proceeded to write a new letter, this time addressed to his daughter. For two hours he struggled to articulate a lesson on the importance of gift-giving within the framework of familial relations. He tried to contain it in some larger life lesson so that he would not merely be playing to his frustration. But every letter’s message gradually withered away, leaving his true anger over the wretched pen lying naked on the page, all while Hypatia’s movements orchestrated the rhythm of his frustration. It was only after some twenty drafts had been rejected and after three calls for dinner had gone distinctly unanswered that he suddenly recoiled from the whole sinister operation and veritably broke down into fear and shame and helpless remorse. The last sentence of a particular page before him, itself roughly parabola-shaped, glared at him like a wicked and toothless jack-o-lantern’s smile: It is hard to understand the wiles of this cold world, my dear daughter Julia, but you cannot pretend that it will be any easier on you in life if you continually refuse to seek help from those institutionally most well-disposed to provide it: your family.

Had such a moment, for some unimaginable reason, not been enough for the man to seek help—which it certainly was—then what followed would in any case have guaranteed it. For not long after the man’s breakdown in front of all those awful letters, his wife came into the study carrying a box of his last month’s writings, and she looked deeply worried.

We need to talk, she told him. I’m worried about you. The man said nothing and just lowered his head down onto his hands on the desk in front of him.

Honey, I just want to know if you’re alright. I looked at your novel. Is this a joke? You have probably a thousand pages here, but it’s… frightening.

What do they say? the man said, looking up now. He was genuinely curious, you see, because he actually had no idea what he had been writing all these past months.

So his wife read some of it to him from the first few pages of the box. It was crazed and incomprehensible but also somehow severely eerie in its tone. She read several lines in particular to him:

The white bones that won’t bite but chomp and grind each other will not stop the bleaching souring, do not trust the white chomp, grind for it will not cure the bruxism in your soul, save only the night’s dark day when will white it cover out.

The man sat frozen. He had no idea that he could have produced such words, and something sinister in them deeply frightened him. She read another line:

As it is written, so shall it be done. For if you would not write it, then you would just as well try speaking with your ass for all the justice it will bring you in this world.

And another line, a few pages down:

Only in time will all the blank spaces in the world, so offensive in their lack of determination, be judged and sentenced to meaning. But until that time you must learn to conquer them still—circumscribe such spaces with characters and words. Let no space be uncontained by the figures that subjugate their meaning, just as each letter contains spaces though these spaces belong to the letter.

She stopped reading as her eyes began to water, though she remained silent. She put the box on the desk so that he could see the pages himself. At this point, I scarcely need to repeat what the general character of these writings was. On one page, titled “Transcendental Dietetics,” he had drawn a series of pill-shaped objects—it was a catalogue of vitamins—and next to each one he gave a name, a description of its properties, and an explanation of its importance for his well being. And not many pages below this, there was a binder-clipped mass of several hundred pages that described in relentless detail various biological processes occurring in the human body. These descriptions were complete with editorial comments on how to finish this project—the complete transcription of the body’s functioning into words—which alone would guarantee his physiological continuity, the notes suggested.

The man moved the box of papers away and closed his eyes. He was at last broken by his condition.

Honey, I need help, he said.

Now, I’m no philosopher. But I should say that although it is difficult to imagine this man’s hardships, I believe it is important to realize something deep beneath his story whose roots extend all the way down to the most fundamental questions that plague the universe. For the world is full of dire questions. There are more questions about what is than what actually is. And so most of us, especially after the last vestiges of childhood have gradually abandoned us, do not care to answer all these questions or even a great many of them. Nor do many find it worthwhile to search out such questions. But make no mistake—some questions find you. And when one does, as happened to this poor man, it will claim you entire, so that no aspect of your life will remain untouched by what it asks of you.

But, many months later the man was again living a relatively normal, happy life. He had gone through some counseling and had been able to give up writing by hand altogether. Nor did he suffer any longer from those ravenous episodes when the need to write would consume him. As for Hypatia, he knew she was a jealous mistress, and wary of destroying her, mailed the pen as a gift to his cousin in El Paso where it was sure to be lost to the world forever among the junk he hoarded. He even secretly blamed Hypatia for his condition, thinking she had orchestrated the whole thing even before he ever entered the pen store. And at work he was able to function just as he had before. He even found dictating his work to his secretary comforting in a way totally opposite to the rapturous frenzy inspired by long hand. Everything at last appeared settled, and was so for the next few years.

But one day, sometime later, when the man was at home alone he received an urgent phone call. It was the hospital. His daughter had been in a car wreck. His heart went numb, and he frantically began asking if she was alright. He was in the middle of saying that he was leaving right away to get there when the woman on the other end cut him off:

Sir, she is going to be alright, but she needs a blood transfusion, and I need you to contact your insurance company right now and have them send over some specific information from her medical records right away so that we can make sure she gets the best treatment as fast as possible.

Of course, I—

Sir, this has to be done right now, so please listen carefully and I’m going to give you something to write down. The man’s heart sank and fears flushed inside him.

Alright, are you ready to write this down? the nurse said. He was silent, and his lips fumbled wordlessly.

Sir, are you there? This is very serious, she said.

Yes, just let me grab a—, the man began though he choked before he could say pen. He looked around the room in panic. His laptop was in his car, and he knew it was out of battery anyway. He hadn’t touched a pen in so long, nor would he even let his wife keep blank white paper out in the open around the house anymore. Instead she used bright neon-colored paper pads which, even in the worst phase of his affliction he regarded a repulsive receptacle for the written word—but even these he could not find anywhere in sight. Worse, his wife was on a plane that moment, entirely unreachable.

It’s alright, I can remember it, just tell me, the man said, though he could barely force these words out of his mouth which, along with his thoughts, felt like they were sinking down into his quivering and uneasy stomach.

No, sir, that will not work. This is very serious, and I have to give you a hospital ID number and directory information. You cannot get it wrong. You must write this down, the nurse said sternly.

The man looked out the window in the hope that there might be some passerby whom he could enlist to help.  He would do anything for his daughter, he would jump off a bridge to prevent the least bit of harm from being done to her, but he could not stop the emotional terror inspired by the memories of his illness—all those terrible white sheets—and this made him feel indescribably horrible and ashamed. He couldn’t begin to tell the nurse about his problem—the idea of trying to describe it to her sincerely was almost as sickening as the nature of his malady itself. Then the man spotted his wife’s canvas tote bag on the kitchen counter. He knew she always kept a pad or two of his fine monogrammed stationery which he had ordered in considerable bulk and so had needed to be used somehow.

Okay, one second, I’m sorry, let me grab a piece of paper right here, the man said with choked terror. He pulled the bag over to him and dug inside it to grab the pad and the only pen he could find in it—a black ballpoint. He almost vomited at the click of the cap coming off.

Alright, I’m ready, the man said, almost whispering. He was so dizzy and terrified he thought he might faint, but he took a deep breath and closed his eyes as he began to write down what she said on the phone. When he opened his eyes again, he saw that he had written what she had said and nothing more. Nothing. A huge, cavernous feeling of nothingness came over him. He did not know whether it was a symptom of his madness or simply that his terrified expectations had not come true. But in any case, for the first time he felt he was free at last.

Epilogue

Later that week, when his daughter had already recovered almost completely and would suffer no permanent injury, the man received an unexpected letter in the mail from El Paso. Curious, the man opened it and immediately recognized that it was a thank you letter written on nice letterhead with his cousin’s monogram atop it, in long hand which was unusual for his cousin. But what he found even more unusual about the letter was that it was exactly eighteen pages long.

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One More Thing

by Emily Fiocco ’10

The suitcase handle slipped from my hand as I whirled back toward the street. I lifted a hand to call the taxi back, to tell the driver I’d made a mistake. But the door opened behind me, and it was too late.

“Sophie!” Aunt Tara’s tongue caught on the S and spit sprayed my cheek. She reached as if to take my luggage but wobbled, losing her balance. She caught hold of the doorframe and then smiled with her lopsided grimace. “Welcome,” she said.

“Hi.” I shrugged my shoulder to my cheek to get the spit off. “I’m here.” I tried to smile, but abandoned the effort.

“Come in!” Aunt Tara said. She backed up as she opened the door and grabbed her cane from where it leaned against the steps. “How was your flight?” Her mouth twisted all the words up. Saliva gathered in a cream on her lips.

“Fine.”  I looked away. We stood in the foyer for a minute. She shrugged her good shoulder.

“Your room is ready.”  She reached for the banister.

“I know where it is.”

I walked past her and up to my bedroom. The room I always stayed in when we visited. The room I was stuck in for a month. It was dim like the rest of the house, despite the windows. The glass was smudged; it refracted the light. Aunt Tara had made up the bed. I tried not to think of the effort it must have cost her. I waited until she called, and then went downstairs for dinner. I’d planned my dinner speech the entire way over.

“I don’t want to be here. My parents didn’t ask me. I’m letting you know this right now.”

She’d ordered in fried chicken. I finished my words and crunched down hard on my drumstick. The bone splintered. I had to pull fragments out of my mouth before they impaled my tongue. I couldn’t look at her. I wanted to punch her, or the table, or slash a hole in her orange velour sofa. Anything to get sent home.

When I looked up she was just staring at me. The left side of her face looked like someone took her skin and tried to yank it to her chin. But her eyes seemed very blue. The left one was smaller. The stroke she had when she was three stunted everything on that side of her body. I had never noticed the mole beside her right eye before. I looked back down.

“So we’ll stay out of each others’ ways,” she said.

Adrenaline made my thighs numb. I pinched my skin. “Really?”

Aunt Tara nodded slowly and her good eye stayed steady.

“Fine.” I ate another chicken wing. She hadn’t made it through her first. Without a word I got up, threw the paper plate in the trash, and went upstairs. That night, it was easy to fall asleep.

I’d thought I wouldn’t be able to sleep the first night there. Instead the fear came in the morning. Even with sun seeping through the window glass warm my face, it didn’t change the fact that I was stuck with Aunt Tara. It didn’t change the reasons I was stuck, either. Didn’t change the fact that my parents had been fighting for over a year, and apparently, it wasn’t going to get better. I jerked into a ball and the Fight played out again in my mind.

Dad had started the yelling. “You’re late. You’re always late.” He’d come in late from work but there still wasn’t dinner on the table. Mom and I had eaten a late snack. She put the frozen chicken in the oven ten minutes before he got there.

“You’re late,” she told him. “You’re an hour late. And you didn’t call.”

“A call? You need a call to tell you when dinner should be?” He wrinkled his lip.

“No point cooking if you’re going to be late.”

Dad stepped forward, opened his mouth—

“Come on,” I said. I got up and stood by Mom. She didn’t look over at me. “Food’ll be soon.”

Dad swept out his arm like a Shakespearian actor but his face was all twisted. He pointed at Mom. “You say I’m late? It’s you.” He hissed the words. “You want to talk about problems. You’re the problem.”

“Dad!” I was already crying, my voice rising higher. “You’re not being fair.”

“Shut up, Sophie.” His eyes squinted, narrow and mean.

I grabbed onto the table. He moved to the door.

“I’ve had enough,” he said.

“Yeah, sure,” I said. I still don’t know where the words came from. “I’ve had enough too. You’re a fucking asshole.”

I didn’t see her hit me. Just felt the burn of my cheek. When I turned she was still standing with her arm out across her body.

“What?” I couldn’t make sentences. “You hit me? Not him? He is!”

She took a step forward. I thought she was going to apologize. “How could you?” I said, and I ran to my room.

No one came up to find me. I sat in my room while the sky grew dark and dinner time passed. There were sounds downstairs, footsteps and words. Doors opened and shut and then there was silence. In the morning, Dad wasn’t there.

“He’ll be back soon,” Mom said. She didn’t look me in the eyes. I didn’t say a word, to her or to Dad either when he came back five days later. That’s when they gave me the ticket. Told me the plan to bus me off to Aunt Tara’s down the coast.

I said I wasn’t going. “It’s not fair,” I told Mom. “Even you can’t stand her.”

“She’s my sister,” she said. Her voice was very cold. She looked me in the eye, then. I had to go.

When my mind cleared the fear came back. I thought of the way Aunt Tara had watched me last night, during the meal. How when she blinked, the eyelid on her ruined side didn’t come up all the way. She listened like a radio antenna tuned into some arcane station. Calculating.

The next morning, there was no sign of Aunt Tara. I left the house as quickly as I could—packed a bag for the day and took off without looking for her. My parents have given me a credit card for what I “needed”—and I knew there’d be a lot of things I’d “need.” But it felt strange to be in the town without them. I walked by the General Store, white and ramshackle, where we’d get the picnic lunches they made me eat with them on the beach. A few times during the week at the least. Sand got into everything. I passed the candy store and the ice cream shop and the bathing suit depot…we’d been to them all.

I stopped in front of the entrance to the main beach. I could picture the beach like I was standing on it. The white sand, blue waves, nasty little kids screaming everywhere, girls on double-sized towels in tiny bikinis, mothers in too-small swimsuits and fathers who roasted their beer bellies in the sun. If there were cute guys the whole thing would be passable, but the male population was mostly middle schoolers. I kept walking, into the heart of the beach town. The stores were the same and different—the maternity shop had turned into a wig store, the display window full of blonde and brown and even red and purple hair. The jewelry store had expanded but my favorite coffee shop next door was still in place. A new bookstore, a renovated deli. Another used clothing store. It didn’t take long to walk the three main streets of town. I went through them once, then again, and then got on the road that led out of the cutesy places, and on towards the city a few miles away.

I didn’t know how long I would have to stay in this place. They said they’d have to work things out. They said it might be a while. Might be a while, to resolve a year of fighting.

The fights started a year ago. Dad came home later and later and when he got home he’d yell about anything. During the school year it was the worst.

“Where are you going,” he asked when he found me getting ready to leave the house on a school night.

“I’m done. Going to hang out.”

“It’s a school night. Answer is no.”

“Dad—”

“Greg, I think—” Mom would start. I didn’t want her protecting me. He turned on her.

“She has to learn sometime. Work ethic. It’s important. She needs some sort of example.”

Because Mom taught flute lessons out of the house. And she wasn’t teaching many. She cried a lot in her office during the day.

“You’re not fair,” I screamed.

But I never had the guts to just leave. I just stood up and went to my room while the fight continued. I closed my door and waited it out, talking for hours with my friends on the phone. Pretending like nothing was wrong.

By the time I got to the main city my flipflops had rubbed my feet raw. Already the tops of my arms and shoulders had turned red in the sun. I welcomed the pain. There wasn’t anything interesting in the regular city. Just a mainstream bookstore. I went in and got my SAT book. That and pre-class English essays were my only activities for the summer. I stayed at the bookstore for a while with a magazine. The café was quiet and I sat at a little square table, drinking cold coffee and pretending I was from a big city. Pretending I was older than a sophomore. Imagining I had moved out and my parents had nothing to do with me anymore. I tried not to cry.

The walk back home took almost twice as long. I did most of it barefoot. It was almost dark when I got back. I sat down on Aunt Tara’s porch. There were buildings in the way of the beach but the sky seemed wide open. Before the sun fell below the buildings across the street the sky shone purple and blue and pink and gold and gulls looped, black silhouettes, through the glory. There was a creak, and then I heard stuttered footsteps.

Aunt Tara limped out onto the porch and sat down at the chair by the door. I didn’t move. We both sat, not talking, until the sky faded. Without a word she got up and went back into the house. I sat on the steps in the dark. The quiet was strange, but everything seemed soft. Muted. Or it was just my thoughts. I’d buried them on the walk and their absence surprised me. I got up, and went to my room to sleep.

She was in the kitchen the next day when I went to get breakfast.
“Good morning,” Aunt Tara said. The orange juice in her pitcher sloshed near to the sides as she brought it to the table. Two glasses already sat at the table, empty.

“I made it myself,” she said, and gestured towards the juice. Orange halves lay on the counter, twisted and mutilated, their leftover pulp spewed on the counters.

“Oh,” I said. I sat down. I poured a glass of the stringy juice and took a sip. The acid and cold hurt my teeth and I tried not to grimace. She sat next to me. She smelled all over like oranges. Orange pulp stuck to her wrists and even her useless hand.

“How is everything?” she asked.

I put the glass to my lips but then put it down. “Fine,” I said. “Busy.”

“Busy?” Aunt Tara raised the eyebrow on the good side of her face. “I thought you might get bored.”

It took me a minute to understand her speech. “Nope,” I said. “Got work to do.”

“Do you remember Benny?”

Benny. Last time we’d visited they’d made me babysit this kid because I’d complained about being bored. I hate kids. I’d let them all know that after the fact.

“No,” I said. “Not going to babysit. Not going to happen.” I got up.

“If you want it,” she said.

“I don’t.”

At the end of a parking lot on the far edge of the town, up a dune and through a hole in the fence, a private beach stretched rocky and kelp-strewn for a few hundred meters. A landscape full of dull green and brown and grey. But ugly meant empty—even the people who lived in the apartments it belonged to just went to the tourist beach.

I’d found the beach a few years ago. It took until middle school for my parents to let me go off on my own, but that first vacation I was freed, I explored everything. One day, I went through a parking lot, under a missing slat in the fence, down a dune, over some rocks and a patch of long sharp grasses. There it was. Once I found it, it was mine.

Now, it was the only place I could think of to go. I had to hop across the sand; the gravel and broken shells burned on my open blisters. I didn’t go far before I spread out my towel. Took out my books and put on a hat and figured I’d just read for the rest of the day.

Time didn’t pass as quickly as I thought it would. Even the sun distracted. Sweat popped from my pores. I put my book down and tiptoed through the shells and seaweed to the edge of the water. Waves caught my ankles, pushed up to my calves—I jumped back. When I was little I took swim lessons at the YMCA.  I never learned to open my eyes. Chlorine made them burn. Mom and Dad towed me out into the ocean, years ago. They tried to make me swim through the waves. “Open your eyes,” they said, but I was paralyzed, terrified of what swam beneath the water. I kicked and screamed and sobbed. When they let go, I sank. Finally they brought me back in to shore. I fell onto the sand, crying my heart out, feeling over and over the sensation of the wave dragging over my head, pulling me under.

The waves broke in little white spurts of foam. There was a buoy line a hundred meters out or so. No life guard at this beach. Even thinking about the deeper part got me high stepping out of the water. My ankles had turned numb. I walked back to my towel. Shells crunched under my feet and I thought I’d cry with the pain. I lay back on the towel and let my feet throb. The heat baked my skin and melded with the pain in my feet. I closed my eyes. No one was around. No one to tell me what to do. No one to shout.

Things could be worse.

Benny came to the beach the very next day. I put down my towel and just minutes later I heard scrambling behind me.  I jumped up. Sand poured into the hollow of my towel.

“Sophie?”

His face was still scabby—from eczema or heat rash, I’d never known. He looked almost the same as three years before—knobby knees, light-white hair. Invisible eyebrows. In his hand he had a little rubber duck. If it was the same one, I couldn’t tell.

“Benny. What are you doing here?” I sank back down into my sandy towel. I hadn’t realized how much my heart rate had sped up. I breathed in.

Benny shrugged. He kicked at the sand. Looked up, then down.

I sighed. “You still carrying that thing around?”

Benny looked at his duck. He thrust it in the back pocket of his swim suit. “Why haven’t you come over?”

“I’m not babysitting you this year.” I crossed my arms. He looked serious, like always. “I mean it,” I said. “I have other things to do.”

“I don’t need a babysitter. I don’t have to have one.” He jutted out his chin. I had to stop myself from laughing.

“What are you? Five? Six?”

“I’m seven!”

“Okay,” told him. I brushed sand off the towel and lay down on my side. “That’s just fine.”

He came closer. Then he sat down.

“Really, Benny?”

Benny didn’t say anything. He looked up and he didn’t even pick at his face. He pulled his knees to his chest and rested his cheek on them. His shoulders were small, thin. His spine bumped down his back and blue veins traced faint paths beneath skin.

“Alright,” I said. I sighed again.  “Just don’t bother me.”

He came the next day, and the next. I could walk down to the beach town and he’d find me there.  Anywhere I went, he appeared. My albino shadow. Then he didn’t show.

I tried to read. But I kept thinking every movement on the beach was him. I waited for him to jump out and surprise me. For him to hand me a shell and tell me it was cool, or run laughing out of the water, coming to tell me about the latest way he’d amused himself. I couldn’t concentrate. I walked around town and when I found myself looking at all the little kids for the one with the bright-white hair I shook my head and walked faster.

That day I went home early.

“Hi,” Aunt Tara said. She sat at the kitchen table. I’d gotten all the way to the sink without noticing her.

“How’d you get there?”

“How are you?” she asked. She’d left her hair down. It was thick and chestnut colored. She pushed it back with her good hand and her neck showed, slender and white. I was staring.

“Fine,” I said. I got my water.  I sat down at the table kitty-corner to her, poised to leave. She looked over and she smiled.

“It’s nice to have a friend,” she said.

My stomach lurched. I shrugged. Aunt Tara massaged the stiff skin around her mouth. “They’re good to keep around,” she said. She ran her good hand down her crippled arm to the useless hand that clenched small like a claw. I thought of my friends back home. Of my parents. My arm twitched and I almost threw the glass I held at the wall.

“I’m getting dinner,” I said. I never stayed in when she was in the house. I started walking towards the door. I stopped, and turned back around. “You want anything?”

. Aunt Tara sat still at the table. After a minute, she looked up. She smiled her half smile. “I’m fine,” she said. She pushed herself up from her chair. Took a jerky step towards the sink, then another. She had no cane. I didn’t see it anywhere . Suddenly, I was afraid.

“Bye then,” I said. I turned and ran out the door and didn’t come back again until dark.

A week went by. Same activities, different days. Benny came most days. I never asked him where he was when he wasn’t with me. But without him the beach seemed like a vacuum. I’d sit there with all my work laid out in front of me but I didn’t do any of it. I missed them. I missed having my parents around to laugh when a gull flew too close. My dad always fed them. I missed our trips. One time we’d gone whale watching. The ocean sprayed everywhere, the engine was loud. We went so far the shore disappeared and if I didn’t look back I could pretend we were going to go forever. Saltwater flew up and hit my face and I loved it, all of it, and didn’t care there were no whales, even though Dad tried to get his money back.

I knew it wasn’t like that anymore. Even if they’d been there we’d be fighting all the time. I had to remind myself of that. I left my stuff and went on walks, back and forth over the sand and then down roads around the town. I walked until the sweat ran down my back and I was so thirsty all I could think about were the fifty cent slushies, lemonade and cherry flavored, at the entrance to the main beach. And then I walked a little more before I let myself get one. I made it through another week. One thing at a time.

Then it rained.

“Good morning,” Aunt Tara said when I finally came downstairs. I’d hoped she’d be gone. She’d made another pitcher of orange juice. I aligned my elbows with the worn grain in the table and ignored her. She sat down across from me.

“Your parents called last night.”

I couldn’t move.

“You should probably call them.”

Her fingers tapped the table and the good side of her mouth began to turn up.

“What are you happy about?” I asked.

“I’m not,” Aunt Tara said. Her smile disappeared “But maybe you will be.”

I opened my mouth to yell at her but Aunt Tara stood up and walked out of the kitchen, leaning on her cane. Her yellow skirt swished like a beaded lampshade in an earthquake. She didn’t look back.

I ran out the door, crying. Ran down the streets of the town; only the bars were open. Music played through the rain—Queen and James Taylor and all the oldies and beach songs in between. I stopped under an overhang and dialed my parents.

“Hi sweetie.” Mom answered.

“You called.”

“We did.”

I tapped the cell phone on the wall, waited for her to keep talking.

“Your dad and I have been discussing some things.”

“Where is he? Where did he go?”

“He’s not here right now.”

“You mean he’s already moved out?” My voice rose high. No one was around to hear it. I squeezed my phone, fingers wrapped around it. It shook. There was a silence. “Mom!”

“Honey,” she said. “We just think it’s better if we—”

“I can’t believe you. I can’t believe this.” My throat hurt, I couldn’t speak. I tried to swallow but I gagged instead. “You’re actually. No.”

“Sophie—”

“No!” My throat went raw with the scream. I slammed the phone shut and stood shaking. Then I ran through the rain to the private beach.

My t-shirt caught on the barbs of the fence. I heard the rip and felt the sting as the barbs tore through to my skin. “Dammit!” I shouted, and shook like a dog to get the sand out of my shirt. My hair flew everywhere, un-pony-tailed and tangled, and sand sprayed from everything. Grains ground my skin under my bikini, my shorts. The rain had soaked my shirt and it clung to me, covered in gray sand.

Gulls shrieked overhead. There was a fish laid open on the sand. The birds cawed and fought as they tried for the meat. Others swooped to pick up the crabs marooned from the night before. One flew near my face and I swung at it. The bird landed and cocked its head. It hopped once, then twice, closer to me. Its white feathers glistened in the rain.

“Get,” I said. “I don’t need you.”

I walked the length of the shoreline to the apartment complex, then back again. My soles had grown tough but I pressed down hard with my heels to feel the sharp edges. Beached seaweed seeped fish smell into the wet.  I walked four laps before Benny showed up.

“What do you want?”

Benny’s eyes went wide. He came a little closer. He had the duck in his hand. With his hair plastered to his head he almost looked bald.

“You okay?” he asked.

“Yup.” Tears formed in my eyes so I turned around and walked the other direction.

“You’re lying.” He hopped to get in front of me.

“You’re annoying.”

“I got an idea,” he said.

“Don’t care.” I scuffed my feet in the sand and kicked a clump of it over his shins.

“The boat. Let’s take out the boat. We can run away.”

“You’re an idiot.” I stopped, crossed my arms. Then had to uncross them to wipe away the tears that fell out when I blinked. They mixed with the rain. The rain had grown lighter, just a drizzle, just a spattering of real rain drops mixed in. Wind blew and I shivered.

“Come on,” Benny said. “Look at the boat.”

“What boat?”

He grabbed my elbow. His fingers were small and hot. He wrapped them tightly and pointed down the beach. There, half in the weeds and sand in a dune was a yellow boat. I’d seen it before but it had faded into the landscape—beyond notice long ago.

“I don’t like water. I’m not getting in. It’s raining”

“Please? Look, the rain stopped.” he said. He had the duck out and his thumb was going furiously, polishing its little yellow head.

“What’s it to you?” I wanted to be cruel. Wanted to say, get the fuck out of here, you little twerp. I hated him.

“It would be fun.” His voice was low and he’d already turned to walk away. He reached up to pick some scabs off his head. It made me want to puke and I picked up a handful of sand to throw at him. I thought of his delicate skin. Of how he sat so close when he came to visit. The way his whole forehead wrinkled up when he smiled. I dropped the sand.

“Get the boat then.”

Benny turned and ran to the boat. By the time I’d gotten there he’d pulled it from the dune. Just a little yellow pedal boat. Dirty and swampy on the inside, but intact. It was surprisingly light to pull, just bumped and slid right along behind as we took it over the slant of sand to the water. “Get in.”

It didn’t take us long to get clear of the beach. I pedaled and Benny sat up on the seat back. I didn’t realize how close we’d be to the water. The rain had become a steady stream of droplets soaking us from above. Waves slapped up on the yellow plastic and then washed over it, icy splashes on my thighs. We were almost eye level to the ocean. I swallowed down a panic. There were things beneath us. Things in the water. I pedaled faster so I didn’t scream. We got to the buoy line and then passed it. My thighs started to burn.

“We’re too far.” Benny slid off the top of the boat to the seat. The boat rocked. Dead bugs in the bottom of the boat brushed my legs. I flailed them in the air.

“Hold still!” I told him.

“Too far.”

I looked back to shore. It was close. Just a little smaller. A little grayer, through the rain. “How are we going to run away if we can still see land?”

“You didn’t say we were running away.” He took out his duck and threw it up. He caught it and did it again. And again.

“You said we were, dumbhead. And anyways, no one will care. No one will care if we disappear.”

Benny picked a scab on his face. His forehead wrinkled down in a frown. A little spot of blood bumped up on his chin where he’d been picking. Grey lights raced over the rain-pockmarked waves, water mirroring the sky. In the silence and stillness the rain and the waves hitting the boat seemed even louder. The rain pattered steadily while the waves hit with a wet thwop, then a suctioning sound. A barge moved slowly across the horizon, edges blurred by the rain.

“That isn’t true,” said Benny. He looked back towards the beach, but no one ran out to look for us. He held his duck and rubbed its head.

I took the duck. He watched me with mouth half-open but didn’t try to take it back. I ran a finger over its head, felt the smooth narrowing body. It was just a little damp and I smoothed the water over its body. When I was little I had stuffed animals I’d carry everywhere. My lucky charms. I felt the ridges imprinted in the rubber of the duck for wings, the smooth round outcropping of bill. It grew warm in my fingers and I put it to my lips. The rubber felt warm, intimate. I brushed it against my cheek then held it down in my lap. Benny stared.

“But it is,” I said. “It’s true. No one would know.”

“I want to go back,” he said.

I started to pedal again. I reached into the waves and mimicked strokes I’d learned once with a canoe paddle. I strained at the pedals. Benny helped. We got the boat turned back towards shore. We pedaled and pedaled but the beach didn’t seem to get any closer. The rain fell harder. Drops slid into my open mouth, slipped over my forehead into my eyes. They were salty from my skin and the ocean. I slitted my eyes and did my best to see.

“I told you we were too far out.”

“We’re not. How are we supposed to escape if we don’t go far out?”

He didn’t answer. I kept pedaling and he did too.

“I want my duck,” he said.

I’d forgotten I was holding it. The plastic was slick like a bar of soap. “This?” I held it up between finger and thumb.

“It’s mine,” Benny said.

I stuck it behind my back. “What you want it so bad for?”

“It’s mine,” he said again. “I want it back.”

I held it up, just out of Benny’s reach. “I’ve got it right here,” I said. “You want it?”

Benny stood up. He lurched on the wet plastic and the boat rocked. I steadied the boat. I looked up at him. I held the duck in my hand. My heartbeat sounded in my ears and I could feel a smile growing on my face. He started to climb over the divider but the boat rocked again and he almost fell. “Come on, Benny,” I said to him.

He stood up again. He was tiny in the boat, the divider coming up almost to his waist. The rain fell harder, sleeting in a thousand pinpicks. My hair spread like seaweed over my cheeks and shoulders, the sand washing out and salt taking its place. Benny came towards me but he’d grown even smaller, so small I didn’t see him. I didn’t see the duck, either. I could feel the boat rock and tip and sway and I held on but it was no use. I was in the water. Dark spread around me, and Benny, and the boat on the ocean. The water was cold, and I was numb.

The Coast Guard brought me back. Found me dangling on the side of the boat, crying. I’ve cried a lot since then. They picked me up and they said I said, “ducky, get it, the ducky I’m sorry” over and over. When they asked me if anyone else was in the boat, I shook my head.

Aunt Tara picked me up after the paramedics came. They said I would be fine. She brought me back to her house. My parents wanted me home but she said I wasn’t fit to fly. I lay in bed. Sweat on my skin, wet sheets, sleep, nothing. Aunt Tara put food in my room. Sometimes I ate it. I kept my mind a blank. But in a few days there were voices, thoughts, all clamoring in my head. Finally, I stood up. They fell back away.

My legs shook but I put my hand on the wall so I wouldn’t fall, and I walked downstairs. I only wanted water from the kitchen. But my aunt sat at the window in the front room. Without thinking I went and kneeled in front of her. I held onto the feet of the chair and tears burned at the corners of my eyes. The room wasn’t lit. Neither she nor I spoke and the room got darker.

“Tell me what happened,” she said, finally. Her words were slow and precise. I shifted back to my heels but kept looking down. I shook my head.

“I don’t remember.”

She was silent. Aunt Tara’s cane stretched across the floor in front of the chair. Every grain shone perfect and preserved in the polished wood, grayscale in the dimness. I shivered and looked up. She stared towards the window so I looked, too. Her face glowed in the dirty glass of the window, a blurred reflection. In the warped surface it was almost her, but everything different, like the time when my friends and I stole a couple cases of Mike’s Hard and drank them down like we’d always drunk lemonade, and giggled when everything started to shift.

“He tripped,” I said, words coming to me. “He tripped and hit his head and he fell.”

Aunt Tara nodded.

“I tried. I jumped in after him. I couldn’t save him.” It hurt to talk. “I held him,” I said. “He was too heavy. He fell in.”

I couldn’t swallow so I stopped talking. I thought she was watching me but when I looked she still was watching window. Minutes passed. Then Aunt Tara turned towards me. Slowly, she shook her head. She stared at me, her small eye growing bigger until it was symmetrical in her face. The wrinkles on her left side pulled taught. I saw the whites of her eyes and my chest stopped moving, stopped pulling in air—I couldn’t breathe.

Finally, she looked away. My chest released and I drew in a breath then followed her gaze to the window. Lights sparkled at the corners of my eyes, white static in my vision. My sight shifted; I could see outside, now. I saw how the sky was lighter than the pavement. Everything was grey, moonlit. The beach wasn’t far—it would only take six minutes to get there. Wouldn’t even have to hurry.

Then everything shifted again. Rain blurred everything. The little plastic boat glowed in the landscape, the brightest color around. I had the duck, and Benny stood and asked for it. Demanded it. I was going to hand it to him but it was so slick. I teased him, holding it over the boat, and then it dropped. Benny saw it drop. He dived in after it. Hit his head coming back up—I could feel the thunk of his head on the boat. I couldn’t see him so I dived in. Couldn’t see anything in the rain, but I got a hold of him. He wasn’t supposed to be heavy. He was always so little. When my arm went numb, when my legs stopped working, when everything was frozen—he fell below the water. I caught hold of the boat and held on. I didn’t want to fall down deeper. I was afraid. Then I was numb. At some point, the Coast Guard came.

On the floor of her house, I looked at my aunt and moved my fingers. Even after a week, they’d still felt empty. I felt empty. “I didn’t mean to do it,” I said.

But Aunt Tara shook her head. She didn’t speak. Her face was stern and her mouth twisted down. A cloud moved and moonlight glanced out from behind slatted clouds. Light lay across the floor in slanted bars of light. It broke the light filling my head. I reached out, clutched the chair in which Aunt Tara sat.

The floor rocked like I was still in the boat. I cried out and spread my fingers on the carpet, trying to hold on. Benny reached out, asking for the duck. I laughed at him, at how small he looked. I knew I could do anything I wanted. Knew Benny couldn’t stop me. I laughed and then reached back, and even as he yelled, demanded his duck back, I reached up and then I flung the duck as far as I could.

Benny stared at me. His mouth opened—not in surprise, but in anger—to yell. He climbed over me, punching and kicking and then he jumped into the ocean. He swam out far, looking for his duck.

“Come back, Benny,” I yelled. But he kept going, cutting through the waves like a small pale sickle. But then I couldn’t see the spray from his kicks anymore. I barely saw his arms flashing above the waves.

I yelled at him again and in a minute he stopped moving. He splashed as he moved forward or stayed in one place—I didn’t know if it was him or the boat that was moving. I saw his arms start to move again. It took a long time but he got bigger and bigger and then he was there. Just a foot away. He treaded water, panting. He opened his mouth and reached up an arm.

“Help?” His face was so pale.

I stuck out an arm. “Here,” I said. “Grab me.”

He pulled. The plastic was slick and the boat already tilted. Even as I tried to hang on he pulled me down. I screamed. “What did you do?” I asked, or tried, but there was water in my mouth, in my throat and I choked on it. He didn’t say anything. Just grabbed onto my waist as I clung to the boat. “You can’t do that!” I said. He was dragging me down.

But he didn’t say anything. Just hung on. It got harder to hold on to the boat—I was holding up two of us and my arms were so tired. The plastic so slippery.

When his grip started to weaken I could do nothing. Could only gasp against the side of the boat. The rain fell around us and mixed with my tears as my biceps strained. Then suddenly, the load was less. I clung to the boat and didn’t look down as he fell deeper in the ocean.

No, I said. My mouth hadn’t moved. “No,” I said again, out loud, to Tara. “No. No!”
She had stood sentinel over me and I lay on the carpet after it all, arms outstretched.  She looked back out the window. Light moved across her face. Her mouth pulled down and showed briefly, a slash in the darkness.

“No,” I said, but it was only a keen. I wrapped my arms around my knees and felt the breath go out of me with the sound.

I went home the next day. Bought a ticket. Took a taxi to the bus station and left, and didn’t look out the windows until I’d gotten home. Only my mother was still there. It didn’t matter, anymore. I didn’t talk to either of them. Wouldn’t. It was easier to think about, though, then the rest of it. Think about how that went wrong. About when the fights started, and why. What made them fall apart, after having me, and all those years together. Maybe they never should have gotten married in the first place. Wonder when they figured that out.

I thought about how in their wedding pictures, they looked happy. How in the one they framed, my father cups my mother’s elbow and wears a proud smile, like he’s just won a trophy. My mother cocks her hip just enough to have it brush his thigh, and looks up at him like she couldn’t wait for the rest of her life.

I thought about the pictures to block out the other memories. But when I closed my eyes they played on my eyelids like a movie, as clear as though it were the day before. Sometimes all I could see was Aunt Tara.

Even now, hiding in my room in my own house, I can feel her touch. Like a scar, burning, throbbing, ancient. When my eyes come open and I gasp for breath, trying again to think only of my parents, to think of nothing on the beach, my hand burns. Nothing can stop it. Nothing makes it go away.

Over, and over I see how Aunt Tara leaned over. She reached out with a claw, and touched my hand.

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The Day After it Rains

by Frank Santo ’11

“Wake up, stud.”

His eyes creaked open. His first sight was of the cracks in the ceiling plastered over in a shade of white just barely off. It was getting light grey outside the window as Jack wondered both where he was and who was talking to him.

The walls were stained and the orange light of the lamp by the bed cast the room in a dim murky glow. The girl grazed her sweat-dried fingers over the stubble on Jack’s chin. He closed his eyes. Where was I last night? I vaguely remember… But this isn’t your apartment Jack. No one buys maroon curtains. She isn’t my Eve.

“I … uh…” He spoke slowly as lingering early-morning dreams faded into reality. I am here now.

“I got places to be, ya know,” the girl said, laughing lightly. Jack noticed a flash of silver in the back of her throat as she spoke. Tongue ring: classy lady – really picked a winner this time. I am the pig god. Pulse, pulsing pulses. Eve’s freckled face, crying in the light of the lamppost. She wore a white sun dress last time you saw her.

Jack’s bleary eyes moved across the room, his vision jumping with each successive pulse of his pounding head. Blue jeans on a blue chair. Wallet on the ground contents spilled must have spilled them. Window: open. View of the broken window of a neighboring burned out building.  A neon sign’s buzz. City-limits. OK.  Grey skies. Looks like rain again, Jack. It always rains the day after it rains.

He was struck by an image. from two weeks before. Eve speaking in her refined tone: I love you Jack, I do… I did. I really thought I did. It’s just… He hadn’t meant to hit her then.  His arms had disconnected from his body. She’d crashed to the ground. He’d kept the ring he’d bought for her ever since.  I should have seen the warning signs. She didn’t need me after all.

Jack tried to blink the image of Eve’s face from his eyes. But where am I now?

“I gotta…” he tried to speak. Shame and empty bottles. This is the motel room in your soul. Pray to God and Eve in a white sun-dress.

The girl rolled off the bed, and to Jack’s surprise was already fully clothed in a black miniskirt and a scant red halter-top. She stepped with cheap grace through the glowing room. She had a tattoo of a heart on her lower back, half-covered by the laces at the bottom of her shirt. Her blond hair dangled lank and stringy.

“Gotta what daddy?” Her voice was detached. She reached into her purse for a small pocket-mirror and smacked her lips at her reflection. Jack squinted. Daddy?

Another memory from the night before. The cab ride to this motel: The girl had sat on the opposite side; the middle seat between them as they drove through unfamiliar streets, Jack’s strange guilt spinning the city passing by the cab-window.

“Gotta ya know, gotta…you know… get…” He blinked. Christ.

Jack, She’s just a girl. Probably a nice girl. Talk like a person. You’re a person, aren’t you Jack? Barely.

“Listen, baby, daddy, whatever.” the girl said, the flirtation running away from her voice, “I have to go now.” She stood looking back at the bed with her hand on a jutted hip. Her red lipstick shone black in the weak lighting.  She tapped the floor with the silver high heel of her shoe. Her white purse bumped against her elbow.

Looking the girl up and down as she stared at him with one eyebrow slightly cocked, Jack remembered for an instant the image of her naked, fake-tanned thighs squeezing his waist with it pushing through the hole of his plaid boxers and his blue button-down shirt still hanging off his neck. Sadie was her name, he remembered. She’d called out her own name in the moment. Goddamn. S-AIDS-ie. Tell me you wore a rubber Jack. Sexual health is an oxymoron. Why do I fuck things? Jack put his arm across his eyes. Leave me to rot alone. She doesn’t look at all like my Eve.

He followed the cracks in the ceiling with his eyes, willing them to split apart and crash the whole structure down upon him. AIDS and tongue rings in motel rooms. How could Eve have left him? It was so close, attainable – happiness. She didn’t love you, Jack. So you showed her. Shut-up. Death and violence. Sex explosions. Shut-up please. It’s such a nice ring too, Eve.

Sadie kept staring at him, her impatience growing. She swung her purse to her other shoulder and bent down to pick up his discarded wallet from the carpet. She fingered his driver’s license and inspected it like a diamond appraiser. Eve running past me, terrified and tearful, pushing through the door. I love you Evie I miss you I never would do… My arms were disconnected.

The girl stood up again, her face red and her hand twitching perceptibly. “Listen Jackson K. Densmore,” she said,there isn’t any money in your wallet.” There was a crack in her tone.

Jack’s mind ground to a halt.

Money?

“What do you mean… Money?” His voice was barely audible. Of course Jack, of course.

“I said there better be a good fucking reason there isn’t any money in your wallet. Don’t tell me this is a stiff-job Jackson.K. Densmore who lives on… 321 Fensview Drive. Me and my man Big T downstairs know this ain’t a stiff-job.” Her voice was shrill and desperate. Room: flashing, lights spinning. Evie smile through the tears baby. Pulse, Pulse, Pulse. Memories of  frantic kisses, as if her lips would disappear soon. Eve’s freckled face. The world is collapsed. I am the pig god. The motel room in my soul with the hooker of my heart. Dead-beat low-down Evie come back I’m dying. There isn’t any money in your wallet Jack. The cracks in the ceiling writhed like burning snakes.

“You’re a… ?” And then he felt the cold metal press against his throat. She held the edge of a six-inch jack-knife to his jugular and pressed her other hand on his forehead, preventing any possibility of a bloodless escape. Evie, my Adam’s apple. There isn’t any money in your wallet, Jack. Why do I fuck things? The girl’s hand trembled slightly, scraping the blade across his neck hairs. How do you like this Jackie-baby? Deathfiresexexplosion. Help me something. He looked up into the girl’s burning, tear-filled eyes. He could see his reflection in them.

“I’ll tell you whats gonna happen stud, either I… Either I slit your throat and your little rich boy ass bleeds out in a motel room, or you find a way to pay me fast. I do not need this weak-ass bullshit today. Her voice was not the confident and hardened bark she’d intended. Instead she sounded rasping and frantic. Jack barely heard. His mind was flashing in and out. Eve and I dancing at a party, my hand around her waist as the light emits from her eyes. She laughed at my two left feet and pressed her head into my chest. The way she looked at me from across the quad, back in school, we hardly knew each other I guess. It’s over, Jack. It’s over Jackie-boy. No more sacred glances. Look at me now Evie. Where are you? How could you? It was such a nice ring, too.

The cracks in the ceiling faded as his vision blurred. His head still throbbed. A gentle rain began to tap against the window glass. He slowly exhaled the memories. Motel room world.

“There’s… there’s a ring in my pants.” He said it with grim resignation to the reality of his degradation. Why do I fuck things? Just let me die alone.

The girl looked over at the blue jeans on the chair. She looked back at Jack. Tears slowly traveled down his face in jagged lines toward the pillow. She pulled the knife from his reddened throat and stepped cautiously towards the chair.

“Don’t you move now. All I do is yell, and Big T will be all up in here. He don’t fuck around with your john-ass payment plan.”

She eyed him while she reached into the pocket of the jeans. She pulled out a velvet-covered jewelry case. She held the case in her hands, admiring the feel of the velvet on her skin, then gently opened it, revealing a small golden ring.

The girl paused for a moment, her mouth slightly agape. She took the ring out of the case and turned it over in her hands, as if feeling the sensation of metal on her skin for the first time in her life. She looked back at Jack. Then she slowly walked over to the lamp, stepping lightly in high silver heels, and held the ring under the light. Jack couldn’t bear to watch.  Take it. Take it and leave me here alone for the love of God and Eve just go. Jack prayed that the bed would sprout teeth and swallow him whole.

The girl squeezed her finger into the ring and held her hand in front of her face, beholding the glint of the gold and the delicate inscription on the band: For E.F, Love J.D. A thousand dollars and two years gone forever. Life is lowly lover boy.

But then, as Jack stared blankly out at the room, taking in the misery of the moment, he noticed something shining on the chair.  At first he didn’t believe it. She’d left the knife on the chair. The stupid girl had left the fucking knife right on the fucking chair. Jack looked back at her. She was clutching the ring to her chest with her eyes closed. Grab it Jack. Throw her into the wall. Grab the knife and get the ring and be out the door faster than she can say “chlamydia.”

Jack sat up in the bed and gripped the bed sheet tightly underneath him. Do it. Be a man. Man beats woman. Throw her into the fucking wall. That’s Eve’s ring. That’s your ring Jack. Memories of shoving Eve to the ground flashed through his mind. The power. Jack spat on the ground and he swung one foot off the bed. He braced himself for a sprint towards the knife. But then, the soft sound of the girl’s voice arose: a forced whisper barely rising over the sound of the rain against the window.

“No one has ever given me a ring before,” she said. “Funny this is how I get one, huh.”

She looked back at him. Right into his eyes. Tears were flowing freely down her cheeks, and she smiled weakly. Her blonde hair framed her face. She was a pretty girl, Jack couldn’t deny it at that moment, and younger looking than he’d originally figured. Innocence. Jack sat back: paralyzed. I’m sorry Evie. I would never have… I just… couldn’t… No one has ever given me a ring before. Look at her Jack, goddamn. She needs it, too.

“I’m twenty-four years old and no one has ever given me a ring before,” she said. “Imagine that. He’s going to make me sell it. T would never let me keep something this nice. But still… She must be something to deserve a ring like this. Some girls have all the luck I guess.”

The girl tried to smile sweetly at Jack, but she could not sustain the expression. She averted her face and wiped the tears from her eyes. She looked down at the first ring she’d ever owned in her life and wiggled her fingers. Laughing with bitter softness, she exhaled. Then she glanced over at the bed one final time, grabbed the knife from the chair, and walked out the door. It closed behind her with a dull thud.

Jack lay on the bed, alone and naked. Goodbye Evie.

Tagged with:
 

Danny

by Frank Santo ’11 

 

Alright so yeah he’s dying laughing in the darkness and I here Danny coming and he dives into my car through the window and hes like we gotta go we gotta get outta here without even saying shit else to me. In his hand hes got this little bear or some shit like this tiny stuffed pink bear like something my little sister would have and im like whats up with that and hes like oh this its my buddy Wilbur I just grabbed it for its sentimental value. He says words he knows I dont understand when he doesn’t want to explain something so I’m just like whatever gets you going man its your gay little bear.  And then hes in the car and he fixes his hat back to the angle he likes and hes still giggling to the pink bear like the world is some joke between people and stuffed bears and then he shakes his head and I’m like what the shit dude and he’s still smiling like a slut on Sunday you know like he’s done something bad but looks at me with that look he gets and he goes Walshie if you don’t make trouble with the gas pedal its curtains for Wilbur here that’s the bear here and me. I’m like what and then he laughs some more and bangs his head on the dashboard like a head drummer and starts singing a song but he changes the lyrics to say Walshie just drive or else Tommy Donough is coming out here with his baseball bat and meat head. But I can tell its just some song he made up so I tell him to stop singing like a Mary this aint American Idol huh tell me what the hell is going on. Than he gets real serious for a sec and says you like this car Walshie huh, and I say yeah and he says, well Tommy Donough don’t like my ass that much and my ass is right here sitting in the front seat of your car and I have locked the door so the only way he is getting to me is through this door, you catch me? Then I see through the window that Tommy Donough is in a rage approaching the hog and I’m like shit and than I floor the hog cuz old Tommy Toughnuts aint kidding around most of the time. 

So we’re driving for a little and he just can’t stop laughing and its like it’s a regular fucking laugh riot in my car and I cant stand that shit so I stop the car and Im like you know what Danny you better tell me what the fucks going on you call me at 1 in the morning and you’re laughing like somethings funny and saying my cars getting fucked up on account of you and you know its just getting irritating you know. So he catches himself and tilts his hat again and he goes Walshie get this so I go to this party cuz I was gonna sell a gram to this guy I know and after I hang around for a little you know see whats up. And you know man I just get so fucking depressed cause its all those cocksuckers from high school and their all you know sucking each other cocks and talking about their fraternities and colleges or some bullshit whatever the fuck they’re trying to impress each other with.

And then he Danny looks out the window for a second like the street signs are gonna tell him something and hes got that look he gets sometimes.

And then he says I’m just like gag me you know, I didn’t put forty bucks up my nose just to listen to sico-pants sico-panting and people keep asking me hows school man hows school like they don’t know but I know they fucking know all about it everyone in this fucking town knows I’m sunk. So anyway I’m sitting there feeling bad for myself you know how I get but then Shayla Henderson sits down next to me and I start talking to her you know pass the time, shes pretty cute wearing a sweater you know I got shit else to do.  You remember Shayla huh Walshie? I had a class with her back in high school, biology I think, frogs and eco-systems and shit. She lent me a pencil once and didn’t even ask for it back, that kinda kid you know. Tonight too, She didn’t want to talk about her college either, you know her grade point average or foreign study jerk-off like the rest of those cocksuckers and she was looking me in the eyes and she didn’t pretend not to know my situation so she asks me what I’m gonna do now since all that shit went down with me. And so I’m talking about it you know trying to be earnest and everything, how it feels to know I’m probably sunk. But she’s looking at me like I’m some sort of rebel you know, not just some fuck up.

Danny kisses the pink bears nose and than says Wilbur here concurs with that don’t you Wil? I’m  just a rebel not a fuck up right? I’m a goddamn martyr eh Wilbur? He laughs to himself a lot and he does now like theres a comedy act in his head and I’m like Danny then what happened you fucked her right? And Danny calls me a philistone or something I don’t get but smiles and keeps talking. He says Anyway she’s all up on it and we’re flirting a little and I’m doing my thing and its going well and then I lean in and say I’m interested by you Shayla, and shit Walshie you know how girls get when they’re drunk, you know like flies on shit so she giggles and says me too. So I smile all smoothly and give her my look, you know that look I get, and I lean in and say what about Toughnuts over there don’t you go with him now? And she’s like what about him? So I know I’m in business right then, and I’m like allright lets go to your room upstairs this is your ma’s house right and she pretends to hesitate but then’s like yeah and her green eyes are positively reflecting. I can see green things my mind is making up you know so I give her my look and  she can’t resist. So we go up there and I’m pretty sure right then that Tommy Donough doesn’t know shit cause he’s such a dumb fucking ape and than Shayla and I we’re getting into it you know, and I can’t really get it up cause I’m too fucked up, you know that happens Walshie don’t even say shit about that. I mean its not easy when you got so much poison in you and there are stuffed bears watching and the worlds such an ordeal you tell me how am I supposed to keep s veritable erection huh? I’d like to know. Anyway I’m doing other stuff to her cause I got such magic hands I don’t need nothing else, that’s what the ladies say, you know they call me Magic hands Magee to each other I’ll bet but anyway she moans my name Danny Danny Danny and then fucking the door bursts open and the light pours in like an explosion and there who the fuck do you think it is huh Walshie its fucking TOMMY DONOUGH fucking Tommy Toughnuts himself how ya doing nice to see ya how ya been see ya lata.

Dannys stops his story cause he’s laughing too hard too talk at this point and I have to admit its a pretty good story so far so I’m not that pissed he made me pick him up at 1 in the morning even though I was with Joanie and also I know Danny would do the same for me 10 times outta 10 cuz no matter how fucked up he gets hes always a friend when you need one and so am I. His eyes get all crinkled when he laughs even though their all red and huge and shit from god knows what else he’s on I tell you that shits for the birds but I can tell right now he’s actually happy cause Danny’s mostly happy whenever he really pisses someone he doesn’t like much off.

Anyways he keeps telling his story and I’m laughing with him and he drums on the dashboard with his hands this time. Then he says so Toughnuts sees I’m on his girl doing all types of magic tricks and he just loses it and comes after me cause you know meat heads like him the only things they understand are sports and violence so he chooses violence and he comes at me charges at me you know like Tedy Bruschi or something and I’m fucking scared at this point you know, what the fuck am I supposed to do I’m on the bed, fucking floral sheets, holding my wet noodle like its gonna help and this dumb monkey heres coming to lop my head off with his big retard paws, you know, but right as he almost reaches me I throw one of Shayla’s shoes at his head and it hits him in his face and I grab Wilbur hear that’s the bear here off her bed cause I’d grown to like him for his expression and I clothesline Toughnuts and his massive fucking glandular frame crashes into the wall and I sprint  down the stairs out the front door. Picture it Walshie, this big fucking galoot just eats absolute shit because of my impact. I impacted him. He plays football down at Retard State or something probably. So than I’m hiding in the woods and I call you cause I knew you’d help me out. And Wilbur and I we just start celebrating, Wilburs a pretty good dancer you know and he and I are just fucking cutting the rug. But then since I can only dance for minutes at a time so I get bored and then I’m sitting there you know idly cause you Walshie took fucking twenty minutes to dismount or whatever. Anyway I’m bored and I don’t want to reflect too much, I never like to reflect too much, so I call Tommy Toughnuts cause I had his number cause I sold him a fake back in high school and I’m like hey Tommy come meet me I’m right outside the front door ya fucking jamoke. So I see him go out the front door and he’s pacing around like a retard in heat and swinging the bat at squirrels or whoever the fuck he thinks hes scaring and I can here him yelling my name, Danny Danny Danny and calls me a faggot or something hes a real wit you know. So I wait until I see you pulling down the street in the hog and then I call out TOUGHNUTS like a war cry and he comes storming into the woods cause he can tell where I’m yelling from but its too dark to see me so I book it right past him for your car and now here we are. Huh? Pretty good huh?

We both laugh for a while but then our voices trail off and it gets real quiet in the car. Danny starts playing with the faggoty little bear again, you know holding it by its arms and making it dance and he speaks in a low voice to just the bear and I have no clue what kinds of ideas hes getting. Danny really does get in weird moods sometimes, especially since things started going real bad for him a few months ago and he got arrested and kicked outta his school. Me I didn’t go to school that shits gay plus my Dads in the Union so I’ll be alright but Danny here he thinks he’s sunk so sometimes he pulls shit like he did this night. Its not that he doesn’t care though its almost like sometimes he just wants bad things to happen just to see how he can handle it even though half the time he cant really handle it. He’s a funny guy Danny hes my buddy though so Im used to it.

So yeah anyway we’re driving for a little and Dannys playing with the bear and I’m thinking about dropping him off at his house but then like he remembers something he goes lets go to fucking Providence tonight huh Walshie I want to see some breasts, you know I’d really like to just lose myself in nice set of breasts. How bout it huh? And I’m like yeah can’t say I’d mind to see some tits but dont you have work tommorow Danny, because I know he has work tommorow and also I only half want to see some tits because I know Joanie’d be pretty pissed if she found out I went back to Balloons again. Danny smiles and gives me that look he gets and goes fuck that its you me and strippers breasts tonight Walshie I aint going to sleep till I see breasts what do ya say kid. And I just hate seeing him let down when hes so excited so I’m like fuck it you know I only work nights and I got tonight off so fuck everything you and I are going to Providence my friend. So then we decide it and head for the highway and Dannys all pumped and he sticks his head out the window and yells fuck you Tommy Toughnuts and fuck you UMASS and fuck all the world who aint Dannywilburwalshie or strippers breasts in Providence. I know hes getting in a mood again but he’s my friend so like I said I’m used to it and I don’t mind much anyway so I yell yeah fuck you too to the air outside the window and Danny and I yell like madmen all the way down 128 to Providence and drink the vodka I keep in the glove compartment until its almost empty and Dannys thrown it at a truck that passed and yelled fuck you truck stop delivering products everywhere so much. 

And than we go in and by this time I’m fucked up too and the bouncer says you got an I.D to Danny cause hes on the small side ands got a face like a little kid plus you know is holding the fucking pink stuffed animal which makes him seem a little younger. Danny smiles like he does and shows him his I.D even though I know he wants to make a scene because he hates when people don’t believe he’s his real agell. He says to the bouncer I like your goatee it looks nice and manly and you don’t look like a porn-star who couldn’t make it cause his dicks too small at all. The bouncer raises his eyebrow like he’s gonna do something but then just shakes his head like he really fucking hates his job and lets us go through and Danny feels bad because the bouncer hadn’t been much of a dick so he gives him a five dollar tip even when I’m pretty sure its not the bouncers your supposed to tip at strip clubs.

Anyways Balloons is this strip club in Providence and its really this fucking horrible place we come to you know its almost like a whore house half the time you get a lapdance the girl will tell you can fuck her for like twenty more dollars but its not the money that makes it weird its just the idea you know? And its always packed until like 5 in the morning and there are all these mirrors when you don’t really wanna look at yourself and the strippers aren’t usually even that hot and half the guys are old white guys with glasses and the other half are young black kids with gold teeth and stripes on there hats and theres not much place for normals like me and Danny but still we come here sometimes cause strippers are awesome if your in the mood even if there not that hot.  So we walk in and techno is bumpin and all the angry black kids are staring at us and all the old white guys are hoping we wont look at them and Danny pushes through the crowd until were right in front of the stage where some girls are naked and dancing and other ones are naked and crouched right in front of guys staring up at them and pretending to flirt with them. Danny puts Wilbur fuck I mean the little pink bear up on the stage and starts making him dance too.

So yeah we’re standing there like assholes you know and Danny pulls a baggie out of his pocket and then does a line off the stage thing and says come on Walshie its gonna be a good night it better be a great night because I really need this to be a great night you know one of those nights so do a line with me Walshie-boy. I say no though cause that shits for the birds and if I make the Union than I’m gonna get drug tested and so Danny shrugs and offers some to Wilbur the pink stuffed bear who also declines by having Danny move his pink hands over his eyes. Theres like three girls on the stage and theres poles to and you know there doing there thing which is pretty good but I just feel kind of out of place so I tell Danny I’m going to sit down and he says yeah and we 3 sit down at a table away from the stage.

Then a girl with black hair and tan skin that is only a little overweight and is still wearing the bottom part of her silvery outfit slinks over and we ask her to get us some drinks. So fellas, she says when she comes back with three shots, how are you doing tonight did you come looking for some fun? Danny laughs and says not really I just wanted to see the night a little before I go, I’m sure you can empathize. The girl smiles like she can emphasize.  She wants us to believe her name is Ivy and Danny laughs to himself for a moment but says that nothing is funny when Ivy asks him whats so funny. She looks at me and she gives me a pretty nice smile for a stripper in Providence and says so what are you guys back from college looking for a good time? I say  I was about to ask you the same question Ivy trying to be charming and she smiles and it seems like shes got a decent sense of humor you know like she thinks its kind of weird too that she works in a strip-club now.  Danny interrupts my game-spitting and says, I’m Chaz nice ta meet ya I’m back for the summer from Harvard and my buddy Chip here goes to Yale and Wilbur here that’s the bear here he’s getting married tomorrow and we’re just trying to show him a good time you know, his last night as a free man you know?

 And then Ivy kisses Wilbur on his nose like its normal in this strip club in Providence to kiss a pink bear and says well Wilbur you better enjoy it while you can and then Danny says I’m trying to I mean Wilbur’s trying to but its kind of hard to enjoy things when you know they can’t last but would you mind terribly my dear Ivy if I gave you a kiss?  And this chick Ivy seems like she wouldn’t mind anything too terribly but for a second she looks over at the bouncer with the goatee who hadn’t been much of a dick and then she looks back and says you know its thirty dollars for a lapdance Chaz you know we get our own private booth and everything you can even bring Wilbur. It seemed like a pretty good deal to me and I was gonna grab my wallet cause I’ve got some dough but then Danny gets one of those looks he gets and says nah I’ve got a girlfriend Shayla Henderson at home in her sweater and you know shes got her silly little rules but I would appreciate ever so much one little smooch because Ivy darling you are positively radiant.

And then Ivy smiles this time but looks a little more tired and says again extra sweet you know you can have a lot more than a kiss if you want it baby you just have to pay up I know you can afford it with that fancy watch you’ve got on. Dannys face then gets a little darker and he looks at me and shakes his head and then he looks at Wilbur and shakes his head and he says you know Wilbur this is what I was telling you about girls only want your money and your dignity I can’t say I envy you getting married getting locked up for all those years. Ivy looks over at the bouncer again and this time he looks back at her.

Danny squints his eyes a little and says with that edge in his voice you know you should be paying me I’m a real catch you can just ask Shayla or Tommy Toughnuts but either way I cant get it up given my current state and condition so I don’t think I’ll be getting that lapdance, but I will gladly pay you thirty dollars to take Wilbur here that’s the bear here into that booth and give him the most erotic experience you can think of. I start laughing now because Dannys turning into an asshole which even tho I think hes got a good heart he likes to do sometimes but then I look at Danny and he isn’t laughing he almost looks like he might start crying. Then the stripper says like she really fucking hates her job you know we have bouncers hear and I don’t have to tolerate getting made fun of by two creeps and a bear you know just because I work in a strip club it doesn’t make me a bad person so fuck you. This cheers Danny up a little and he laughs again like a madman even though I feel kinda bad because Ivy had a nice smile for a stripper in Providence and then Dannys like no it makes you fucking Mother Teresa now get us three more drinks please toots my friends Chip and Wilbur are positively parched. And then Ivy just sighs and walks over to the bouncer and starts talking to him and pointing to us and Im like Danny why’d the fuck you have to go do that now there gonna kick us out and I didn’t even get to get a lapdance yet. And Danny just growls thats not the fucking point you know sometimes you just don’t get it do you Walshie and then he says watch this and chucks his shot glass at the bouncer but he misses and it smashes against the wall and then everyone sort of stares at us even the strippers on the poles who we are supposed to be staring at. The crashing of the glass seems to make Danny even more wild and Im like oh shit oh shit but Danny’s still laughing and then he yells too everyone staring at us about how everyone who wants can get a piece of him if there man enough even the old white guys with glasses and loose ties who think its still ok to come to strip clubs and the black kids can shoot him or rob him or whatever they want and the bouncer who wasn’t really that much of a dick but still had a miserable goatee better do something about him because he isn’t going to calm down anytime soon and that Wilbur is a mean motherfucker and that his boy Walshie is a black belt who goes to Yale and is a formidable opponent to just about anyone.

 And then I’m just like oh shit oh shit oh shit and then three bouncers including the one Danny tipped in black shirts and black goatees come towards us and Danny smiles at me and says what do ya say Walshie think we can take em and I’m like fuck no this is to much and then I put my hands up and say hey fellas we were just leavin guys my friend here is just a little upset you know, but then like they cant here me they grab us around our necks without caring how fucking much it hurts to have your neck grabbed like that and drag us out and Danny’s holding onto Wilbur but then he drops him and Wilbur falls on the floor and gets stepped on by people who don’t care much about the importance of stuffed pink bears being dropped in strip clubs.

The bouncers drag us towards the back of the club and Ivy is watching us and Danny says to her please my dearest save my friend Wilbur he’s getting married tomorrow but Ivy just rolls her eyes like this kind of thing happens to often and than Danny yells out something I don’t understand but he doesn’t sound so cocky anymore. Then we’re out back near a metal fence and theres trash cans everywhere and it smells like cigarettes and we can still hear the techno coming from inside Balloons and Dannys yelling about how the world killed Wilbur and there a bunch of murderers with goatees and that nothing they could do to him would be as bad as whats going to happen to him in a few weeks and then one bouncer holds him from behind and then the one who hadn’t been much of a dick just rocks him in the face and Danny falls a little but then smiles and spits out a tooth right onto the guys black shoes and says he hits about as hard as a stuffed bear. Im just standing there in a fucking half nelson trying to think of ways to not get rocked in the face that hard and I’m like guys why am I gonna get beat up to I didn’t do anything but then I get rocked in the face too and I see lights for a second and it hurts like a motherfucker and I go down like a sack of potatoes.

 Then from the ground I’m kinda woozy and I hear Danny say in a slurred voice why’d you do that the poor motherfucker didn’t do shit I’m the troublemaker here, I’m the rebel, I’m the martyr why don’t you just end it man fucking kill me huh I got nothing better going on Wilburs in there I’m never gonna see him again he was supposed to get married tommorow I’m going to jail for distribution in three weeks why don’t you just do me a favor huh and kill me you fucking pussies but let Walshie go he didn’t do anything but try to get me to stop. And then he spits on the bouncer who punched him in the face and so they kick him in the chest and then they drag both of us through the fence and leave us on the sidewalk staring at the sky that’s starting to get light and coughing and spitting out blood back onto our own faces.

Danny says are you ok Walshie and I say I think I’ll be fine are you ok and he says no but I don’t think its anything serious. Then we just lie there for a moment like you know time isn’t going anymore and it feels like its going to be early morning outside a stripclub in Providence forever and then since the silence wont stop I say I didn’t know you were going to jail I thought you were just getting probation. He says I know Walshie me too but I just had a meeting with the ADA the morning brown suit motherfucker and I’m going to plead guilty and go to jail for only a year hopefully.

The sky is that hazy almost purple color and there aren’t any stars and it looks like its glowing and there is the sound of police sirens going off somewhere far away across Providence and we can still kind of hear the techno going on inside Balloons and some of the black kids are starting to leave I think and I can here them talking to each other about them titties and shiiiit motherfucka was a crazy motherfucka knowwhatimsayin.

Danny’s nose is bleeding and so is mine and we look like a couple of hobos stretched out on the grey sidewalk underneath the purple of the sky and we feel like that too. Danny rolls over and looks at me and says I was going to tell you about it earlier but I haven’t had anytime to think about it yet you know I don’t like to reflect that much you know. And then he gets real quiet and says I just cant win Walshie you know its either the ADA in his brownish suit or my roommate who ratted me out or Tommy Donough or a stripper named Ivy or a bouncer with a goatee and a tiny dick you know everywhere I turn I’m sinking and theres nothing I can do but make a scene about it and I’m just not cut out for anything and I guess I belong in jail with the other degenerates who never figured out how to float. You’ve got it figured out Walshie you know just play it straight and don’t bother anyone but you know I’m just not built that way. I’ve just got too many holes. I cant even keep a stuffed bear from getting fucked up.

And then we just lay there for another minute and Danny’s never been this quiet and its just not right that’s not how things work so I look at the moon because it’s the only bright thing in the sky and I say its allright buddy and I stand up and I help Danny up too and I feel kind of you know complimented but also man my best friend you know my oldest buddy is going to jail real life jail with  actual criminals and hes one hurtin puppy. But then I’m like Danny would do the same thing for me 10 times outta 10 so I say you to him through the blood in my mouth you know what fuck it we’re going back in there. And Danny turns his head real fast to look at me and says what the fuck are you talking about and I’m like you know what fuck it you’re right fuck those guys, we can’t leave Wilbur in there inside that hole you know he’s better than that he just can’t defend himself that well. And then Danny looks at me for a second and he shakes his head and he’s like no way Im gonna let you do that they’ll kill you in there look what just happened last time I tried shit you know those guys are just look for an excuse to kick people in the chest.

But I’m not gonna listen to him this time I know Wilbur has become too important to him he’s just coming down like he does sometimes so I say Danny don’t be a little faggot I’m going in there right now and I am getting Wilbur and theres nothing you can do about it so you can either help me or you can watch bouncers with goatees kick the everliving shit out of me and do nothing about it and then think about it in jail you know how big a pussy you were right now at this moment for a whole year so whats its gonna be.  And then Danny thinks for a moment then starts laughing a little gets his look back you know almost like I gave him his look back and he smiles and spit out another tooth and says Wilbur is getting married tommorow it wouldn’t be right to just leave the poor guy in there not with all that horrible techno and venereal disease and you know that motherfucker really didn’t have to kick me in the chest so hard that was pretty goddamn unneccesary so lets fucking do it, I’m with ya Walshie-boy.

So we try and think of a plan for a while but I’m not that smart about that kinda stuff so pretty much Danny’s the man with the plan and im just really pumped up about everything hes saying so he’s like fucking pretty much what we need to do is have one of us distract them and the other one of us will run in and get lost in the crowd it’s a plan that is beautiful in its simplicity and I’m just like fuck yeah simplicity awesome and I feel like I’m Danny in his high moods a little you know just this feeling like I’m a fucking man and what cocksuckers gonna tell me im not you know.

So yeah I walk around to the front of the building where the neon Balloons sign is buzzing above the door and theres only that one guy who at first hadn’t been much of a dick but than later rocked us both in the face working the door because the other two must be inside somewhere you know picking their dicks or whatever so I go up there so they can see me and I yell hey Dick come try me without your two boyfriends we’ll see whats what, even though I know he would beat me down without much of a problem cause I’m not even all that big. The cocksucker squints at me as if he doesn’t believe me or something and hes not really that mad more just annoyed like he really fucking hates his job and hes like you again huh kid wheres your little psycho friend cmon homeboy don’t make me kick your ass again its been a long fucking night tonight huh, don’t you want to live to see tomorrow? And even though I do want to live to see tomorrow cause I’m feeling like a superhero right now I take another step closer because I see Danny sneaking up the side of the building smiling like tiger with his two front teeth missing. I’m telling you don’t make me do it man says the bouncer its been a long fucking night with you assholes don’t test me. But I just keep stepping closer because I am untouchable now and so is Danny and then I’m only like 10 feet away from him and he just looks at me like he really fucking hates me like pure hate like I’m everything he’s ever hated and he just says I fucking warned you and starts coming at me and then I yell GO and Danny yells WILBUR like a war cry and sprints around from the side of the building and pushes through the door. The bouncer looks at me like a dumbass and then he just turns around and runs through the door so I whoop as loud as I can you know sprint to the hog on the side of the building you know pull it around to the back of the club where Danny’s gonna come out and wait there with the engine going. 

So I sit there in the car and I just keep my eyes on the back door through the metal fence and I just pray to whatever cuz sometimes that’s all you can do you know that Danny’s gonna pull it off and that stuffed bears can live alone in strip clubs for twenty minutes and you know that the world is allright but then I start getting worried cuz what if you know shit gets fucked. You know three bouncers thats a lot to handle even for a smart guy jacked up on coke like Danny what if they catch him. What if when that door opens all three of them are carrying him out and he’s bleeding everywhere and this time he cant even spit out his teeth he’s so messed up and they just throw him out there and hes fucking dead you know finally sunk for good and itd be my fault you know I talked him into this. Suddenly I don’t feel so ballsy you know these what ifs just kinda cut away and leave my nerves kinda jumpy. I don’t like to think so much because after a while I’m just so nervous all I can do is look up through the moon-roof at the sky without any stars and think that maybe that’s a bad sign and fuck all my best friend is not only going to jail but hes dead too. God I say if youre real even though I don’t think youre real maybe you can help old Danny-boy out a little cause you know he needs some fucking help huh. Don’t be a dick God I say out loud, don’t you do it too him too.

Then I hear the techno get louder for a second and then door flies open and here comes Danny laughing like the fucking total fucking Danny Magee fucking steam-engine he can be sometimes and hes holding the pink stuffed bear over his head even though it looks pretty dirty  and he’s yelling WILBUR like a war cry and he jumps the fence and dives in through the window like he did earlier and goes go go go and then two of the bouncers in their black shirts and goatees run out the door too but there not even close and there not even running that hard and I gun the hog and Danny yells WILBUR’S MINE YOU COCKSUCKERS and we pull away from the strip-club and leave the neon sign getting smaller behind us as we rip through the empty muddy streets of Providence. Both of us laugh like madmen back down the highway. I ask Danny how he did it I can’t believe it fucking worked you animal and he says cause I’m a fucking badass that’s how and youre my best friend in the world Walshie and strip club bouncers and Tommy Toughnuts and the ADA in the brownish suit aren’t much at all and you cant hold a good bear down and one year isn’t even that long. I fucking clotheslined him he says, I impacted him right at the door and blew a kiss to that Ivy bitch and techno music and then I was out PEACE Balloons you miserable fucks. You saved me Walshie he says and I Danny saved Wilbur here the bear here.

On the way home we don’t yell anything out the window because we’re both so pleased and theres no need anyway and I’m still pretty drunk but its ok because I drive better drunk anyway. So yeah after a while Danny falls asleep with Wilbur in his lap and I look at the air outside the window and laugh because I’ve never been this happy about a fucking gay little stuffed bear before and even though Danny might not end up allright at least for a moment hes not sunk and also cuz Tommy Toughnuts and some bouncer in a strip club in Providence both got their asses whooped real bad this purple night by Danny Magee and me his friend Walshie. So yeah that’s pretty much what happened.

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